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9/12/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
Technical Aspects: Overall I really enjoyed the strong prose that you created in this, here’s something that caught my attention though: “My sister sat next to me, beside herself that I agreed to sit on the roof with her.” From beside herself onward didn’t really go so well. It get what you were trying to say and it makes sense but it also sounds really jumbled.

Flow: the waxing and waning rhythm of the poem was very nice, I enjoyed how you continually referred to the seasons, and the aspect of nature was almost a third sister in this story. I wanted it to go on honestly, I did not want it to end.

Word Choice: Your word choice was pretty simple in this, and I liked that, and it fit with the overall theme of these girls’ story. They seemed young to me, not even teenagers and had you used foppish and stylistic words it would not have read the same in my mind. I liked how you kept it simple, although the story you told was far from that.

Other: I feel like you should have continued on with this- you set a surrealistic scene of unusual weather, the girls huddled together on the roof, moons yawning and naked trees, and I feel like there was a clear theme throughout. Having said that though, I can’t find thee meaning, or revelation that you wanted the writer to feel when reading it. Unless you meant the meaning to be very simple and uncomplicated- merely two sisters sharing a moment together, but I feel like you could have gone deeper in this. You have the talent, and it wouldn’t be hard. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

3/12/2009 c1 495mate.feed.kill.repeat
[review game: depth]

Even though this piece is not poetry in the traditional form, it still feels like poetry. It's moving and engaging. Everything about this piece had depth and emotion to it.

Your description of the white dresses and running through the fields were my favorite part of this piece. I think they are the strongest and clearest lines-they tell the story that the rest of the piece just supports. The paragraph about the night was easy to feel. It reached into my mind and showed me exactly what you meant. I loved the ending lines of the second paragraph. They are deep and meaningful.

This piece flows smoothly from one topic to another. It doesn't leave any questions left unanswered and it doesn't feel like you were jumping around at all.

Your spelling, grammar, and English are perfect. This piece doesn't need an additions or corrections in any way. It is a complete idea from start to finish.

2/16/2009 c1 29Vince Loring
very nice. very nice. i like it.

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