for Remember Me4/21/2009 c1 
4PhantomBialystock
This was such a beautiful and touching piece. Every line seemed to be filled with emotion and really drew me in to read more. It was short, but to the point, and it was still able to evoke strong emotions in me.
My favorite part of all would probably have to be your description. It was so vivid and really added to the story. One of my favorite lines was:
*roses, bright red like blood against the white stone.*
It was so descriptive and set a solemn mood. Very nice!
I found only one error in this:
*I know this place, this is Vimy Ridge.*
This is a run-on. To fix this, either put a semicolon between "place" and "this" instead of a common, or make two sentences. Either way will work.
I really enjoyed your writing. Keep up the great work!
4PhantomBialystockThis was such a beautiful and touching piece. Every line seemed to be filled with emotion and really drew me in to read more. It was short, but to the point, and it was still able to evoke strong emotions in me.
My favorite part of all would probably have to be your description. It was so vivid and really added to the story. One of my favorite lines was:
*roses, bright red like blood against the white stone.*
It was so descriptive and set a solemn mood. Very nice!
I found only one error in this:
*I know this place, this is Vimy Ridge.*
This is a run-on. To fix this, either put a semicolon between "place" and "this" instead of a common, or make two sentences. Either way will work.
I really enjoyed your writing. Keep up the great work!
4/18/2009 c1 612simpleplan13
Since fp killed fp killed my first April Fool's review, here's my best attempt to write it again. (I'm sure it's slightly different, but oh well). Sorry it's late!
"sometimes stopping to touch the white stone with a shaky finger."... It took my a second to realize here you were referring to the tombstone because I normally think of them as grayish. So that confused me a bit at first.
"“Danger, stay on the Path, unexploded mines.”"... is that literally the sign? 'Cause it seems odd that only path would be capitalized in the actual sentence, though that might be their oddity not yours.
Though I'm not Canadian or French, I think every country has a very similar place. Although in America most are not exactly where the battle took place. I really like your descriptions, they were unique and sad. My favorite one was "One tree for each dead soldier, a forest of heroes."
I also liked how it was so ambiguous about who this person was to you. A father? A grandfather? An uncle? That was a nice touch so people can interpret it how they want.
612simpleplan13Since fp killed fp killed my first April Fool's review, here's my best attempt to write it again. (I'm sure it's slightly different, but oh well). Sorry it's late!
"sometimes stopping to touch the white stone with a shaky finger."... It took my a second to realize here you were referring to the tombstone because I normally think of them as grayish. So that confused me a bit at first.
"“Danger, stay on the Path, unexploded mines.”"... is that literally the sign? 'Cause it seems odd that only path would be capitalized in the actual sentence, though that might be their oddity not yours.
Though I'm not Canadian or French, I think every country has a very similar place. Although in America most are not exactly where the battle took place. I really like your descriptions, they were unique and sad. My favorite one was "One tree for each dead soldier, a forest of heroes."
I also liked how it was so ambiguous about who this person was to you. A father? A grandfather? An uncle? That was a nice touch so people can interpret it how they want.
4/18/2009 c1 13gigglebug
RG April Fools Review! (And it's incredibly late. My sincerest apologies.)
I really like the description you have for the white tombstones and the contrast of the red roses. It's really vivid, and I can imagine it in my head quite easily.
The way you use words to appeal to the senses is stunning. I couldn't stop reading the second half of it because it was so beautiful, so lifelike, so inspiring. It felt like I was actually there. Gorgeous. Simply wonderful.
and I REALLY like the line, "even those victorious lose. How high is the price of peace!" because it is SO true. I've never really thought about it that way, and that is really commendable.
Excellent job, once again. Despite your beta not proofreading, it was really well done.
=]
~Sheriff
13gigglebugRG April Fools Review! (And it's incredibly late. My sincerest apologies.)
I really like the description you have for the white tombstones and the contrast of the red roses. It's really vivid, and I can imagine it in my head quite easily.
The way you use words to appeal to the senses is stunning. I couldn't stop reading the second half of it because it was so beautiful, so lifelike, so inspiring. It felt like I was actually there. Gorgeous. Simply wonderful.
and I REALLY like the line, "even those victorious lose. How high is the price of peace!" because it is SO true. I've never really thought about it that way, and that is really commendable.
Excellent job, once again. Despite your beta not proofreading, it was really well done.
=]
~Sheriff
4/14/2009 c1 9Sugarloafin
Freebie Prize!
I really liked the detail about the narrator not realizing how many 11 thousand is. When reading about war it's so easy to throw numbers around without showing what they mean. It makes your story very real to me to see someone reacting to being confronted with the magnitude of the number.
I also enjoyed how the narrator can feel the presence of the one, or ones, resting there. It's a very interesting way of telling the story.
9SugarloafinFreebie Prize!
I really liked the detail about the narrator not realizing how many 11 thousand is. When reading about war it's so easy to throw numbers around without showing what they mean. It makes your story very real to me to see someone reacting to being confronted with the magnitude of the number.
I also enjoyed how the narrator can feel the presence of the one, or ones, resting there. It's a very interesting way of telling the story.
3/22/2009 c1 12gangrene
I see next to no mistakes, so you obviously didn't need a beta-read, lol.
But, in all seriousness, the reason I favorite-d this is because I was at Vimy Ridge too. It was almost horrible, being there, because there was so much raw sadness, but you are right-I did leave a changed person. Three of my ancestors, as it were, died there, so it's almost a personal thing.
Anyways, you described the feeling of being there more clearly and expressively than I'll ever be able to, and I'm glad that you could. :) It was a great read, thank you.
12gangreneI see next to no mistakes, so you obviously didn't need a beta-read, lol.
But, in all seriousness, the reason I favorite-d this is because I was at Vimy Ridge too. It was almost horrible, being there, because there was so much raw sadness, but you are right-I did leave a changed person. Three of my ancestors, as it were, died there, so it's almost a personal thing.
Anyways, you described the feeling of being there more clearly and expressively than I'll ever be able to, and I'm glad that you could. :) It was a great read, thank you.
3/22/2009 c1 6Kalista Jia
"Each white grave marker is adorned with a Maple Leaf, carved into its marble surface. There are flowers growing around them; roses, bright red like blood against the white stone."
Maple trees and pine trees, native Canadian trees, all planted by our government. One tree for each dead soldier, a forest of heroes.
It is a very beautiful description.
I walk on alone, now surrounded by dozens of happy tourists chattering away about mundane things.
I wonder at them, and am even a bit angry. Do they not know? Do they not care, that you lie dead beneath their feet?
I am glad you point this important point out.
It is a very beautiful... no it is more than beautiful... I don't know how to express it... the whole story is very calm and smoothering... indeed is a story that should be read by every Canadian.
6Kalista Jia"Each white grave marker is adorned with a Maple Leaf, carved into its marble surface. There are flowers growing around them; roses, bright red like blood against the white stone."
Maple trees and pine trees, native Canadian trees, all planted by our government. One tree for each dead soldier, a forest of heroes.
It is a very beautiful description.
I walk on alone, now surrounded by dozens of happy tourists chattering away about mundane things.
I wonder at them, and am even a bit angry. Do they not know? Do they not care, that you lie dead beneath their feet?
I am glad you point this important point out.
It is a very beautiful... no it is more than beautiful... I don't know how to express it... the whole story is very calm and smoothering... indeed is a story that should be read by every Canadian.
3/10/2009 c1 3Jeex
I think this peice is meant to be powerful but some lines seemed to be forced.
I think it is supposed to make you feel as if you were there and and that it does. It without a doubt makes you wish that you were anywhere away from the scene that you brought to life.
I wish that I could stop reading because I could see the blood spilt the same colour as the rose you wrote of.
It is a very nationalist peice to me, like it is discribing one of those 'visit Canada' commercials. The great scenery, the history and the things that bring you to the area.
I feels as if there could be more, I don't know if you wanted this to be purely non-fiction. But if you decide to continue another line of Vimy Ridge, you could do a piece on one of the names on the grave stone, or many names and their story are intertwined because war makes soldiers like brothers.
Overall, I really liked this. It really sold Vimy Ridge to me.
3JeexI think this peice is meant to be powerful but some lines seemed to be forced.
I think it is supposed to make you feel as if you were there and and that it does. It without a doubt makes you wish that you were anywhere away from the scene that you brought to life.
I wish that I could stop reading because I could see the blood spilt the same colour as the rose you wrote of.
It is a very nationalist peice to me, like it is discribing one of those 'visit Canada' commercials. The great scenery, the history and the things that bring you to the area.
I feels as if there could be more, I don't know if you wanted this to be purely non-fiction. But if you decide to continue another line of Vimy Ridge, you could do a piece on one of the names on the grave stone, or many names and their story are intertwined because war makes soldiers like brothers.
Overall, I really liked this. It really sold Vimy Ridge to me.
2/26/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there! Thanks very much for your review on A Ranger's Tale. :) Anyway, onto the review. Well tbh I do find this a good read. It's like some kind of journal if you get what I mean. I don't know if you mean this as a pure historic piece or soemthing deeper. If it's the former, well I guess it's okay from what you've written here. But if it's the latter, my suggesttion is that you can do so much more in doing the details on the character's emotions. Something like a flashback can be a good catalyst as long as you've got the imagination to visualize what could actually be going at that point of time. And I don't know why, but this work did scream patriotism and nationalism staright at me lol! :D Apart from that, nothing to say. And yeah, thanks again for your review on A Ranger's Tale. Hope to see more of the reviews for it soon. ^^ Bye! :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHerro there! Thanks very much for your review on A Ranger's Tale. :) Anyway, onto the review. Well tbh I do find this a good read. It's like some kind of journal if you get what I mean. I don't know if you mean this as a pure historic piece or soemthing deeper. If it's the former, well I guess it's okay from what you've written here. But if it's the latter, my suggesttion is that you can do so much more in doing the details on the character's emotions. Something like a flashback can be a good catalyst as long as you've got the imagination to visualize what could actually be going at that point of time. And I don't know why, but this work did scream patriotism and nationalism staright at me lol! :D Apart from that, nothing to say. And yeah, thanks again for your review on A Ranger's Tale. Hope to see more of the reviews for it soon. ^^ Bye! :)
2/24/2009 c1 criti-sized
Can you believe I read and reviewed this the day that FP messed up and my review didn't go through? Lol, absolutely sucks.
Anyways, this was really nice. I liked the vague emotion that you had in it that expressed so much still. The narrative wa very unique, and fit just fine, giving the story an element that it wouldn't have had in past tense.
Great short.
C.S.
Can you believe I read and reviewed this the day that FP messed up and my review didn't go through? Lol, absolutely sucks.
Anyways, this was really nice. I liked the vague emotion that you had in it that expressed so much still. The narrative wa very unique, and fit just fine, giving the story an element that it wouldn't have had in past tense.
Great short.
C.S.
2/21/2009 c1 Chancee
I felt the mood of your words, whether Canadian or not. I think you were displaying your raw emotion of respect and thanks to the fallen soldiers.
To me it was a tasteful piece and well deserving of many more reviews. I love the description that brought me with you on the walk through the cemetery and the viewing of the soldiers slain on the memorial.
You do a wonderful job of this even without your beta and I truly did enjoy it. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
Pay it forward the Roadhouse~
I felt the mood of your words, whether Canadian or not. I think you were displaying your raw emotion of respect and thanks to the fallen soldiers.
To me it was a tasteful piece and well deserving of many more reviews. I love the description that brought me with you on the walk through the cemetery and the viewing of the soldiers slain on the memorial.
You do a wonderful job of this even without your beta and I truly did enjoy it. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
Pay it forward the Roadhouse~
2/19/2009 c1 raineyday
My God, this is beautiful. Your first sentence is so chilling and powerful. The whole piece is, for that matter. The mood of this story just pierces straight through to the reading immediately. It's very, very effective.
"The sunshine is bright, obscenely joyful, but it cannot touch this frosted scene."
That line is positively gorgeous. I know precisely what you mean by the sun being "obscenely joyful." It seems to love to shine at the most inopportune times.
"In War, even those victorious lose. How high is the price of peace!"
This line, too. Beautiful. All around, a phenomenal piece of writing.
My God, this is beautiful. Your first sentence is so chilling and powerful. The whole piece is, for that matter. The mood of this story just pierces straight through to the reading immediately. It's very, very effective.
"The sunshine is bright, obscenely joyful, but it cannot touch this frosted scene."
That line is positively gorgeous. I know precisely what you mean by the sun being "obscenely joyful." It seems to love to shine at the most inopportune times.
"In War, even those victorious lose. How high is the price of peace!"
This line, too. Beautiful. All around, a phenomenal piece of writing.
2/19/2009 c1 4Hrothgar
Wow... That's really all I have to say. This is a very beautiful piece. It was very thought provoking. There were a few errors here and there, but nothing that really detracted from the story. Very well done!
4HrothgarWow... That's really all I have to say. This is a very beautiful piece. It was very thought provoking. There were a few errors here and there, but nothing that really detracted from the story. Very well done!
2/18/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
[cemetary]
Should be 'cemetery.'
I tend to have mixed feelings over present tense, but I think the unsure and 'happening as you read' nature of it works well here. Good job for pulling off.
[One tree for each dead soldier, a forest of heroes.]
I like that analogy, of a 'forest' to represent the amounts of soldiers that died.
[Even the land still bears its scars, the ground is bumpy with craters and shell holes.]
Comma splice.
[There are signs shouting “Danger, stay on the Path, unexploded mines”. ]
Period goes in the quotations.
[It’s the ubiquitous Government of Canada signs, the traditional font and colours.]
Comma splice, missing conjunction, like 'with' or 'in.'
[I wonder if you feel that too.]
I am confused. The person is dead, so don't you mean 'felt'? Or is it in that metaphorical sense or whatever?
[talking happily]
Adverb usage. Chatting in place of it? Chattering away?
[Do they not care, that you lie dead beneath their feet?]
I am unsure about that comma.
[lookly down in sorrow at all her dead children.]
'Lookly?' Should be 'looking.'
[I feel you then, watching and waiting.]
I like you spreading the word 'feel' throughout at intervals.
[marble , lost but not forgotten.]
No space after marble, the comma should be right after.
[These tears come now, I cannot stop them.]
Comma splice again, I think. I think it needs a conjunction like 'and,' or just start a new sentence. Perhaps a semi-colon, I'm not sure.
[Its ninety years now since that day.]
It should be "It's," as in 'it is.'
Good job on maintaining the mood throughout the story.
[cemetary]
Should be 'cemetery.'
I tend to have mixed feelings over present tense, but I think the unsure and 'happening as you read' nature of it works well here. Good job for pulling off.
[One tree for each dead soldier, a forest of heroes.]
I like that analogy, of a 'forest' to represent the amounts of soldiers that died.
[Even the land still bears its scars, the ground is bumpy with craters and shell holes.]
Comma splice.
[There are signs shouting “Danger, stay on the Path, unexploded mines”. ]
Period goes in the quotations.
[It’s the ubiquitous Government of Canada signs, the traditional font and colours.]
Comma splice, missing conjunction, like 'with' or 'in.'
[I wonder if you feel that too.]
I am confused. The person is dead, so don't you mean 'felt'? Or is it in that metaphorical sense or whatever?
[talking happily]
Adverb usage. Chatting in place of it? Chattering away?
[Do they not care, that you lie dead beneath their feet?]
I am unsure about that comma.
[lookly down in sorrow at all her dead children.]
'Lookly?' Should be 'looking.'
[I feel you then, watching and waiting.]
I like you spreading the word 'feel' throughout at intervals.
[marble , lost but not forgotten.]
No space after marble, the comma should be right after.
[These tears come now, I cannot stop them.]
Comma splice again, I think. I think it needs a conjunction like 'and,' or just start a new sentence. Perhaps a semi-colon, I'm not sure.
[Its ninety years now since that day.]
It should be "It's," as in 'it is.'
Good job on maintaining the mood throughout the story.
2/18/2009 c1 2Morohtar
Here from the Roadhouse.
This is a very powerful piece, and one which I really like. It is your own personal response to war and the experience of being exposed to it, and so I feel almost bad about critiquing it - it sounds as if I am critiquing your own personal views.
Still, this is a very well written piece and one which stirs emotions in me at the least. It is a very pro-Canadian piece which I think is cool - it is always good to see decency and patriotism. You manage to show that without being negative about anyone else - tying Vimy Ridge to the moment Canada became a "big boy" in the world. I don't know if that is true or not, but it is certainly a "crowning moment of awesome" for the young nation.
This is great stuff, I enjoyed reading it and it definitely made me feel proud to be from a country which was on the Western side in WWI.
Pay it forward!
2MorohtarHere from the Roadhouse.
This is a very powerful piece, and one which I really like. It is your own personal response to war and the experience of being exposed to it, and so I feel almost bad about critiquing it - it sounds as if I am critiquing your own personal views.
Still, this is a very well written piece and one which stirs emotions in me at the least. It is a very pro-Canadian piece which I think is cool - it is always good to see decency and patriotism. You manage to show that without being negative about anyone else - tying Vimy Ridge to the moment Canada became a "big boy" in the world. I don't know if that is true or not, but it is certainly a "crowning moment of awesome" for the young nation.
This is great stuff, I enjoyed reading it and it definitely made me feel proud to be from a country which was on the Western side in WWI.
Pay it forward!
2/18/2009 c1 27Ember Eyed Girl
Very nice. Nostalgic and melancholy. Normally I like humor, but the quiet somberness of this peice is refreshing. This is a good read. Only suggestion I can make is not to be so vague in some areas.
27Ember Eyed GirlVery nice. Nostalgic and melancholy. Normally I like humor, but the quiet somberness of this peice is refreshing. This is a good read. Only suggestion I can make is not to be so vague in some areas.