for Forget Me Not3/7/2009 c1 Tawny Owl
I enjoyed the build up of tension in the first few paragraphs. The mention of a debbt that needs to be payed off is always intriguing.
I did find the first line a bit confusing. You mention he isn't supposed to be there, and anyone would question it, but then say he's an admiral after all. As that's a high rank it didn't make sense to me. Or am I being dim?
I liked the tangle of right and wrong in this as well. It's always nice when things aren't simple.
It was an enjoyable one shot. Thanks for posting it.
I enjoyed the build up of tension in the first few paragraphs. The mention of a debbt that needs to be payed off is always intriguing.
I did find the first line a bit confusing. You mention he isn't supposed to be there, and anyone would question it, but then say he's an admiral after all. As that's a high rank it didn't make sense to me. Or am I being dim?
I liked the tangle of right and wrong in this as well. It's always nice when things aren't simple.
It was an enjoyable one shot. Thanks for posting it.
2/21/2009 c1 FuckMeAlice
This is a really tantalizing first chapter. I want to learn more about Regulus and his history with the pirate. Even though the chapter is decidedly short, I found it was really well-done and dynamic. I can't wait to see more.
-Stardust.
This is a really tantalizing first chapter. I want to learn more about Regulus and his history with the pirate. Even though the chapter is decidedly short, I found it was really well-done and dynamic. I can't wait to see more.
-Stardust.
2/21/2009 c1 
11Fay Diablo
This was pretty good! I think you tried maybe just a teensy bit too hard with the first paragraph, because it seemed stiff and uncomfortable to me, but other than that...
Oh, and I too lurk in the Promised Land...you should go to the off-topic topic and see how insane we all are.
♠ Pyro-Fay ♠
11Fay DiabloThis was pretty good! I think you tried maybe just a teensy bit too hard with the first paragraph, because it seemed stiff and uncomfortable to me, but other than that...
Oh, and I too lurk in the Promised Land...you should go to the off-topic topic and see how insane we all are.
♠ Pyro-Fay ♠
2/21/2009 c1 6Indie Tangles
This was definitely an interesting piece, but I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
At first I felt like the writing was a little bit stiff and overly formal, (you also do a bit of repetition - in the second paragraph you have two "breaths" and in the next, two "tightens".) But then I realized it was a period piece, so I guess it fits; it feels very straight laced and old fashioned.
I really liked the last line, it was kind of ... resonating, I think is the word I'm looking for, the kind of thing that sticks with you and has you thinking about it later, but it didn't feel very resolved.
6Indie TanglesThis was definitely an interesting piece, but I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
At first I felt like the writing was a little bit stiff and overly formal, (you also do a bit of repetition - in the second paragraph you have two "breaths" and in the next, two "tightens".) But then I realized it was a period piece, so I guess it fits; it feels very straight laced and old fashioned.
I really liked the last line, it was kind of ... resonating, I think is the word I'm looking for, the kind of thing that sticks with you and has you thinking about it later, but it didn't feel very resolved.
2/21/2009 c1 Fractured Illusion
Nice story! I liked your descriptions. They fitted well with the story and gave me clear mental images to go by :)
Sometimes you didn't have a new paragraph when another person spoke, try to edit that.
"Eldon took one deep breath"
Personal preference, but I think "a deep breath" reads better. Do what you will, though.
The ending was my favorite part. Particularly the last line. It was very beautiful in a simple way.
Good one-shot. Keep it up.
Frac
Nice story! I liked your descriptions. They fitted well with the story and gave me clear mental images to go by :)
Sometimes you didn't have a new paragraph when another person spoke, try to edit that.
"Eldon took one deep breath"
Personal preference, but I think "a deep breath" reads better. Do what you will, though.
The ending was my favorite part. Particularly the last line. It was very beautiful in a simple way.
Good one-shot. Keep it up.
Frac