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for Writing a Fanfiction

9/2/2011 c1 Me
4/4/2011 c1 errihu
First, technicalities. I understand that English is not your first language, and that said, you are doing very well indeed. I noticed a few erorrs in word use and punctuation, these are very minor but they are fixable. You have "Writing stories was a real pain in the ass sometimes , but heck it was loads of fun too!", it should be "Writing stories was a real pain in the ass sometimes, but heck it was loads of fun too!" with no space before the comma. The word "nock" should be "knock", a nock is the part of an arrow that you fit to a bowstring. "We arn´t gonna kiss because you tell us." should be changed to ""We aren´t gonna kiss because you tell us." And finally, "Why are.." should have three dots at the end for a full ellipsis, and become "Why are...".

Story-wise, it's a pretty decent fic. It's simple and sweet, perfect for its rating. I applaud and admire anyone who can tell a complete story in under 10 words. I can't tell a complete story in anything less than 6k, haha. And this is a complete story. It has a beginning, an event, and an end.

The story could benefit from a little more dialogue between the characters on TV and the unnamed fanfiction writer to flesh out what's really going on here, but that's just my personal opinion.

-errihu of Critics United
3/28/2011 c1 Darkwinter999
Hey, noticed your post in the CU help request. Don't know if anyone's going to help you out, so I figured I'd do it myself. I'm kind of intrigued anyway.

/She was snuggled onto her couch with a blanket…/

Up on, not onto. Onto means she isn’t already there, but she’s getting there during the sentence. Your sentence has her already there though, so up on (two words; upon is entirely different) is more appropriate.

/…a grin plastered onto her face from time to time./

This sounds weird. ‘Plastered’ denotes permanence, which is then contradicted by ‘from time to time’. I think something more like ‘overtaking her face’, ‘creeping across her face’, or ‘swallowing her face’ would work better with what you want to show.

/It looked a bit battered already as the young woman carried it around with her where ever she was…/

Wherever is actually one word in this context.

/…just to be sure she had it with her./

You need another comma between sure and she. At first I thought she needed to be sure she had it with her, but that didn’t make sense. You might change the previous comma to a semicolon though…I think that would work best.

/The show she had been waiting for had started a few minutes already!/

There’s two ways you can go with this: …had been going a few minutes already! or …had started a few minutes ago! Either works, but this mishmash you’ve got doesn’t. Started is past tense, but already assumes present progressive.

/…after all they were caring for each other already and well it would look nice all the same./

More missing commas. After ‘all’ and ‘well’ you need commas. Are you sure you want to go with ‘caring’? It doesn’t sound like something a native speaker would say. ‘Liked’ is common. Or ‘into’. You could say they cared about one another, but as vague and soft as that sounds, it could easily be simple friendship, not something that could blossom into love.

/"Why are.." she started but the woman interrupted her./

Wouldn’t an interruption look more like "Why are—"?

/…after all this was only a dream. Yes only a dream./

Comma after ‘all’ and ‘Yes’.

/...she asked him and resumed to what they had been talking as her partner nodded slightly./

Nix the ‘to’, it’s not necessary. Also, ‘what they had been talking about’ reads better as ‘ their earlier conversation’. It’s less words and you sound more like you know what you’re doing.

/With a sigh, she turned out the TV…/

Off. You turn out a light, but you turn off a TV.

/Completely unaware to the faint male voice coming from the now dark TV-set./

Sentence fragment. It’s built as a continuation of the previous sentence, which means it’ll die without the previous sentence, like a foot separated from the body. Quick! Emergency surgery! Sew it back on, or give it its own central nervous system!

Also, I don’t know how they do it in the UK, but in America TV set isn’t hyphenated. I did notice you’re going off UK rules and spelling, so this may not be wrong.

I noticed a lot of your sentences seemed very long, not just because there was a lot to say, but also because you used a lot of words to say it. To, it, or, and, at, the and other tiny words may be small, but they really add up when you pile a bunch of them into a sentence. Also, there were some areas where it felt like there was just an easier way to say it. Like instead of using a specific verb or noun, you described all the stuff you wanted that verb or noun to say. It made the sentences seem very roundabout and long.

/"No!" It came faintly from the TV-set after the girl had, more or less still wrapped up in her writing, 'told' the characters to kiss./

First of all, with such a long identifying sentence, it took forever to figure out which girl said it. Being a little more direct would make this move faster:


The muffled yell seemed to come from the TV-set.

The rest of the sentence wasn’t even necessary. If you think the info about her being wrapped up in her writing is important, I would suggest working it into the previous paragraph.

/…she repeated now, looking stern at the young woman who nearly dropped the notebook she had just been grabbing./

You have too many ‘she’ characters in this sentence. It’s confusing trying to work out which identifier goes to which character. I had to read this three times to figure it out, and I’m unusually focused today. Something like this is easier to read:

…the character repeated, sternly staring down the young woman. The author’s arms went slack, nearly dropped the notebook she had just been grabbing.

I had to think very hard about what you were trying to describe. You had the ‘right’ words, but not the RIGHT words, and it was like trying to translate Pig Latin. With having to do that all the time, it makes your sentences appear much longer than they are.

I know you wanted this all to be vague and generic, but I think there was too much character interaction for things to be clear, yet vague. If you had at least named the fanficcer it would’ve made things MUCH easier.

As you can see, most of the problems I found were entirely due to writing in another language. Great work.

Anyway, I thought this was pretty funny. There are a LOT of shipping fangirls out there that seem to want everyone that says two words to each other to get down and dirty with one another. I’ll admit, there’s lots of promiscuous people out there, probably now more than ever, but that’s not everyone. Probably not even MOST people.

Nicely done.

These might need a second look:

/…grabbed the huge dictionary sitting [one] the couch just beside her./

/"We [arn´t] gonna kiss because you tell us[.]"she repeated now…/
1/29/2010 c1 28surrealphobia
I really liked this parody. It's funny how fanfic's just come to us, isn't it? I remeber that my first fanfic was awful! Well enough about me, huh? I really liked the description in your sfirst paragraph. The endless distractions that come during writing were illustrated here, and in a great way. A lot of personality shows through in the little details that most people wouldn't write. The picture covered notebook is a cute idea. This parody was really upbeat and it kept me smiling.
5/6/2009 c1 48Julia Wall
That was hilarious! I'm adding it to my favorite stories. Can't stop laughing!
2/27/2009 c1 SamuelH73
Very nice! I like the twist at the end. It actually sounded like me after being up for hours and hours at a stretch. *Laughs* Keep it up!
2/25/2009 c1 xkiagax
That was pretty amusing, I will admit. You definitely captured the essense of what fanfiction writers do and how they behave. Having the characters 'retaliate' back and refuse to do what she says was brilliant. Good job!

A few nitpicks:

"The notebook was one of her writing pads that were actually dedicated for use at university"-be careful of including words you don't really need as they bog the writing down. 'actually' doesn't help the sentence along does it? When constructing sentences, read it to yourself- does it flow smoothly? I think you'll find words can be cut out to make it flow better, and often times this simple step improves the writing.

"Absentmindedly the young woman swept a strand of dark brown hair out of her face, looking annoyed as her braids were once again dissolving due to the shorter hair framing her face."- put a comma after absentmindedly. Also, the sentence reads as a bit repetitive. When next to the other sentences, it feels a bit forced. Try saying something like "..dark brown hair from her face.." and then so on.

“braids were once again” and “once again.”-different sentences but one below the other. It is repetitive. The first is ok but perhaps you could change the second one around. (“She turned her focus back to the notebook.”)

So I guess my major issue with this is the repetitive words: ‘as’ ‘sigh’ ‘tired’ ‘on to’ etc…while it gets a bit redundant, in some strange way, it adds to your piece. This often happens in fanfiction writing and somehow your flaws work to your advantage. This probably isn’t the best way to explain it, but it makes the parody more believable.
2/25/2009 c1 77dmk77
Hm, I seem to detect some missing commas, even though I am not an expert in grammar. "'She was snuggled onto her couch with a blanket, scribbling furiously into her notebook,'" 'Absentmindedly, the young woman...' I feel the 'she's are getting a little out of control. At 'After she had spent..." you might want to change it into 'After spending another few minutes writing, she sighed...' The word 'swear' is not a noun, but a verb, so you cannot use it like this. Perhaps you can substitute it with 'curse', 'profanity', 'expletive', etc. Comma: '...dictionary, the notebook, and the pink...' Comma: '...already and, well, it would look...' Comma: she repated now, looking stern... Comma: 'Yes, only a dream.' You've used the 'mind playing tricks on her' again. Perhaps you can express this with different words, so not to be repetitive. Comma: 'With a sigh, she...' 'to' becomes 'of' in 'Completely unaware to the faint male voice coming from the now dark TV-set' I ignored the spelling mistakes because I believe those were just you not having extensively read through your story. This was different. I haven't read something about actually writing. About the humour. Hhm, I wouldn't say it was particularly funny but, hem hem, yes, it did attempt. Okay, okay, shedding away my niceness and tentativeness, the story was standard. It just shows competence. Don't get me wrong, I liked it... somewhat. But I like that it has a purpose to it, judging by the finish. It was fine. Ordinary. ...I'm sorry, I'm not a bad person, I promise!
2/25/2009 c1 24Miss Bob
Oh good heavens! This is such an amazing idea! I really really love it! :D

The plot is good, nice and simple opening with a character we can *ALL* (especially at FP) relate to and then that wonderful twist when the TV talks back to her! I adore the whole knocking on the glass of the screen idea, that's a very nice touch. The last line made me laugh, and it leaves enough mystery to leave the reader wanting more! (e.g. me)

Just few little things that caught my attention:

[She was snuggled onto her couch with a blanket scribbling furiously into her notebook] There needs to be a comma after 'blanket', otherwise it sounds like she's scribbling on the blanket :P

[After she had spent another few minutes writing she sighed and grabbed the..] comma after 'writing'.

[With a swear she dropped the dictionary] Maybe say 'curse' instead of 'swear'? It might sound better.

["Kiss!" she just murmured,] Might not need the 'just'.

["No!" it came faintly from the TV-set] Either the 'it' needs to be capitalised or you could say 'The word came faintly' or '"No! came the faint word. '(you rememeber Sesshy and adverbs, right? XD)

[Her favourite two characters where amidst a conversation about some new topic] Should be 'were' not 'where', and say 'having' instead of 'amidst'? something like 'Her two favourite characters were in the middle of a conversation'

Okay, that's the review done, hope it fit the specs!

2/25/2009 c1 18Queen of the Shadylands
Hee hee, I talk at the tv all the time, I wouldn't blame them for telling me to shut up if I was them, my flatmate certianly does. Loved the end line.

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