for Token11/8/2010 c1 
11Lucid Lune in Acoustic
Yes, I love Tizzie and her family! They are a hilarious bunch, and the people that visit their salon. Mm! They are all nutty as fruitcake, I think, but that makes them interesting. Still they seem like real people. I cannot believe Tizzie cut his hair - even if it was an improvement! If he doesn't get a lot of tail from his new 'do then she might get sued. I don't see that happening though. Oh, what is his name by the way? We never found that out, I don't think. I'm curious as to who Cole is as well. He seems to have some authority over the 24-year-old, and maybe that isn't even a correct way to describe it. He seems like a father figure with as much influence as fathers tend to have over their sons. ~_^ That is not code for a lot or a little.
*Peace.
11Lucid Lune in AcousticYes, I love Tizzie and her family! They are a hilarious bunch, and the people that visit their salon. Mm! They are all nutty as fruitcake, I think, but that makes them interesting. Still they seem like real people. I cannot believe Tizzie cut his hair - even if it was an improvement! If he doesn't get a lot of tail from his new 'do then she might get sued. I don't see that happening though. Oh, what is his name by the way? We never found that out, I don't think. I'm curious as to who Cole is as well. He seems to have some authority over the 24-year-old, and maybe that isn't even a correct way to describe it. He seems like a father figure with as much influence as fathers tend to have over their sons. ~_^ That is not code for a lot or a little.
*Peace.
6/18/2009 c6 22effervescent-sentiments
Howdy!
I finished reading your story in the bathtub on my phone (probably TMI, sorry), so I unfortunately couldn't review it chapter-by-chapter, or even review it directly after - so some of my critique is lost. Sorry!
First off, I'm really enjoying this! I have a few minor things, though:
I might suggest getting a beta-reader for your story. There are some minor grammar issues, and quite a few places where the language could be tighter. A good editor can help you with that. :) You can PM me for some beta-reader suggestions if you don't have your own means, if you like.
Also, Tizzie's family is DECIDEDLY Italian. I think you pull that off pretty well (I lived in Italy for the better part of my adolescence, so I'm not just talking haha), personality wise, but I am definitely not convinced by Tizzie's red hair and Detta's blonde hair. I would think that Italian features (which often means hooded eyebrows, larger nose, not unattractive, though), dark hair, and olive complexion, would be the dominant gene, and would DEFINITELY cover up a redheaded gene (which are recessive).
Other than that, I'm curious how you get these two together. ;) Even if it's a little cliche, you still retain the rights to a little bit of mystery! I like it. Very much. Can't wait for an update!
Jules
22effervescent-sentimentsHowdy!
I finished reading your story in the bathtub on my phone (probably TMI, sorry), so I unfortunately couldn't review it chapter-by-chapter, or even review it directly after - so some of my critique is lost. Sorry!
First off, I'm really enjoying this! I have a few minor things, though:
I might suggest getting a beta-reader for your story. There are some minor grammar issues, and quite a few places where the language could be tighter. A good editor can help you with that. :) You can PM me for some beta-reader suggestions if you don't have your own means, if you like.
Also, Tizzie's family is DECIDEDLY Italian. I think you pull that off pretty well (I lived in Italy for the better part of my adolescence, so I'm not just talking haha), personality wise, but I am definitely not convinced by Tizzie's red hair and Detta's blonde hair. I would think that Italian features (which often means hooded eyebrows, larger nose, not unattractive, though), dark hair, and olive complexion, would be the dominant gene, and would DEFINITELY cover up a redheaded gene (which are recessive).
Other than that, I'm curious how you get these two together. ;) Even if it's a little cliche, you still retain the rights to a little bit of mystery! I like it. Very much. Can't wait for an update!
Jules
6/14/2009 c6 6Harriet Usher
Ooh, what's Elliot's game... (reads on) well darling Elliot, perhaps *your* head would be hard enough to crack open nuts anyway...
(affronted) There is nothing wrong with reading for pleasure. NOTHING, y'hear me?
Ahem...
Yes... yes I'm going to stop talking to your character now...
"And you, sir, are a first class provoker!”
I love that quote so much, I want to propose, marry it in the summer under blossom trees, and then have lots of little baby quotes, before growing old together.
xD, no, kidding. As everyone knows, it is not possible to procreate with a line of text. Well...
I don't think so anyway.
But hey, in this modern day and age, anything goes...
Whee, Tizzie seems to be warming up to Ellie. Yes, I like that nickname. No, never again will I refer to him as Elliot. He's a girl in my head now.
Marco? AH HAH, WE HAVE A NAME! Lemme guess, Marco is the 'he' in connection with the camera incident. Am I right or am I right? Or wrong...
- Harriet.
6Harriet UsherOoh, what's Elliot's game... (reads on) well darling Elliot, perhaps *your* head would be hard enough to crack open nuts anyway...
(affronted) There is nothing wrong with reading for pleasure. NOTHING, y'hear me?
Ahem...
Yes... yes I'm going to stop talking to your character now...
"And you, sir, are a first class provoker!”
I love that quote so much, I want to propose, marry it in the summer under blossom trees, and then have lots of little baby quotes, before growing old together.
xD, no, kidding. As everyone knows, it is not possible to procreate with a line of text. Well...
I don't think so anyway.
But hey, in this modern day and age, anything goes...
Whee, Tizzie seems to be warming up to Ellie. Yes, I like that nickname. No, never again will I refer to him as Elliot. He's a girl in my head now.
Marco? AH HAH, WE HAVE A NAME! Lemme guess, Marco is the 'he' in connection with the camera incident. Am I right or am I right? Or wrong...
- Harriet.
6/14/2009 c5 Harriet Usher
And thus the plot thickens...
Can't wait to find out who 'he' is and what happened with the camera. And yayy for seeing more of Elliot's background! There are too many male love interests out there who are just two dimensional prizes to be won by the heroine.
I was thankful for the translation at the bottom, because avô and mãe confuzzled me a bit. ^_^ T'was handy.
And tehe, I imagine Elliot isn't going to react well to the idea of four months in Hollowhill.
^_^ fun chappy.
- Harriet.
And thus the plot thickens...
Can't wait to find out who 'he' is and what happened with the camera. And yayy for seeing more of Elliot's background! There are too many male love interests out there who are just two dimensional prizes to be won by the heroine.
I was thankful for the translation at the bottom, because avô and mãe confuzzled me a bit. ^_^ T'was handy.
And tehe, I imagine Elliot isn't going to react well to the idea of four months in Hollowhill.
^_^ fun chappy.
- Harriet.
6/14/2009 c4 Harriet Usher
Wish *I* had the guts to run away when my mother wants me to do something...
I thought I lived in the middle of nowhere, but we *do* have asphalt. And TVs, and cars. The prospect of a world without them is a strange one, but not necessarily unpleasant. It could be rather nice.
(wonders if Tizzie will tell her off for using the word 'nice.' Decides she doesn't care.)
A fun little chapter, and ah, what better way to get them to connect? xD, seems to happen in most romance stories- there'll be a scene where the two protagonists are locked in together. Fun chapter, and I like the sound of the town. (makes up mind to go live there someday.)
- Harriet.
Wish *I* had the guts to run away when my mother wants me to do something...
I thought I lived in the middle of nowhere, but we *do* have asphalt. And TVs, and cars. The prospect of a world without them is a strange one, but not necessarily unpleasant. It could be rather nice.
(wonders if Tizzie will tell her off for using the word 'nice.' Decides she doesn't care.)
A fun little chapter, and ah, what better way to get them to connect? xD, seems to happen in most romance stories- there'll be a scene where the two protagonists are locked in together. Fun chapter, and I like the sound of the town. (makes up mind to go live there someday.)
- Harriet.
6/14/2009 c3 Harriet Usher
^_^ yay fur Mr. Hoity toity! And yes, he does seem to have a thing for woolen sweaters...
T'was a nice little chapter, and when/if Tizzie and Elliot actually get together, I'll look forward to seeing Detta's reaction. xD, t'will be fun.
Toodles!
- Harriet.
^_^ yay fur Mr. Hoity toity! And yes, he does seem to have a thing for woolen sweaters...
T'was a nice little chapter, and when/if Tizzie and Elliot actually get together, I'll look forward to seeing Detta's reaction. xD, t'will be fun.
Toodles!
- Harriet.
6/14/2009 c2 Harriet Usher
(extremely painful snort of laughter)
It's like a law, isn't it? Things will always go wrong at the worst possible time. Like how a boy will only ever see his crush straight after being involved in a car accident that leaves him totally unharmed but with no trousers on. The same rule governs the eggs breaking.
xD, very fun chapter. I liked the description of Winny and the Coffee Pot. Again, the name sounds very plausible for a shop, soemthing I have problems with. (The only name for a building I ever came up with that I liked was 'The Clockwork Orange' for a nightclub.)
- Harriet
(extremely painful snort of laughter)
It's like a law, isn't it? Things will always go wrong at the worst possible time. Like how a boy will only ever see his crush straight after being involved in a car accident that leaves him totally unharmed but with no trousers on. The same rule governs the eggs breaking.
xD, very fun chapter. I liked the description of Winny and the Coffee Pot. Again, the name sounds very plausible for a shop, soemthing I have problems with. (The only name for a building I ever came up with that I liked was 'The Clockwork Orange' for a nightclub.)
- Harriet
6/14/2009 c1 Harriet Usher
Whoop, Tiziana. There's a name you don't hear every day. But I quite like it.
By a stroke of luck, my Canadian penfriend has Italian blood in her, so when she mentioned 'Nonna' I actually knew who they were talking about, xD.
I like the slightly zany humour that's been in this story so far, and now I wanna know why Detta's so enraged.
(pootles away towards the enxt chapter)
- Harriet.
Whoop, Tiziana. There's a name you don't hear every day. But I quite like it.
By a stroke of luck, my Canadian penfriend has Italian blood in her, so when she mentioned 'Nonna' I actually knew who they were talking about, xD.
I like the slightly zany humour that's been in this story so far, and now I wanna know why Detta's so enraged.
(pootles away towards the enxt chapter)
- Harriet.
6/3/2009 c6 1Jeni D
Ah...yes, I do sense a change in Tizzie. But, not very much so in 'Ellie'. It wasn't very kind of Elliot to to take Tizzie into the lake with him. It ruined Ally's goodbye. and Tizzie's fun of course. Anyway, I hope you update soon!
CHEERS!
~Jeni
1Jeni DAh...yes, I do sense a change in Tizzie. But, not very much so in 'Ellie'. It wasn't very kind of Elliot to to take Tizzie into the lake with him. It ruined Ally's goodbye. and Tizzie's fun of course. Anyway, I hope you update soon!
CHEERS!
~Jeni
5/24/2009 c6 24stargazerlost
haha I think they are so cute together, I'm glad she's starting to see him a different way. Now if only he'd loosen up about her some more. I'm excited to see them getting closer.
24stargazerlosthaha I think they are so cute together, I'm glad she's starting to see him a different way. Now if only he'd loosen up about her some more. I'm excited to see them getting closer.
5/24/2009 c6 holly is fainting
You ALWAYS update right when I'm thinking, "Hey, haven't gotten a new chapter of Token recently..." And then you update like the next day. Kinda creepy, really. lol. :P
Great chapter! Ellie, that cracked me up.
You ALWAYS update right when I'm thinking, "Hey, haven't gotten a new chapter of Token recently..." And then you update like the next day. Kinda creepy, really. lol. :P
Great chapter! Ellie, that cracked me up.
5/24/2009 c6 1AlphaBeatKayGee
Well...you haven't died! Uh...i think C...I'm forgetful...charlie?connor? Should come home before she leaves and bam! Best friends! There is certainly a little change in Tizzie. Uh...so can't wait to see where the story goes from here
1AlphaBeatKayGeeWell...you haven't died! Uh...i think C...I'm forgetful...charlie?connor? Should come home before she leaves and bam! Best friends! There is certainly a little change in Tizzie. Uh...so can't wait to see where the story goes from here
4/25/2009 c5 holly is fainting
Yes! You updated! I was so afraid you'd forgotten this story. Great chapter. I like how it's more than the usual fluffy story, there's real depth to it. I hope next time the update comes sooner. :D
Yes! You updated! I was so afraid you'd forgotten this story. Great chapter. I like how it's more than the usual fluffy story, there's real depth to it. I hope next time the update comes sooner. :D
3/17/2009 c4 holly is fainting
Classic. Trap them in the car. haha. I love this part: "Whatever you say, pretty boy." "Prettier than you." "That's just unnatural." "Deal with it, street urchin."
*rolls on the floor in raucous laughter* I could just SEE them during this whole exchange. They're a little bit like Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell in My Girl Friday, I think.
A few things I would work on... it feels like you're trying too hard in some spots. An example: "she’d be tied down with chores that rivaled titanium in their strength of binding." There were a couple other metaphors which just didn't seem to...fit. My personal opinion is that you should not worry about similes and metaphors, let things come as they will.
(also, do you really need 'the lagomorph'? Considering your target audience, I think it'd be better just to stick with hare, or bunny, or rabbit. ^_^)
And finally, Strunk & White (every author needs that book, 'Elements of Style' if you don't have it get one NOW! :P) say to omit needless words and make definite assertions. So, we have this "She seemed to be utterly satisfied and content." But how about a stronger, more to the point sentence? Something like: "She was perfectly content with what she was doing." There's no need for the "seemed", say that she WAS. A positive assertion. And utterly, satisfied, and content all seem to say the same thing. I'd go with one of those words or go huntin' for a different, single word that better conveys what you mean.
I hope you don't mind all the constructive criticism. It really is because I like your story so much. Usually I just ignore errors and things I think could be improved because I'm a busy person and I just don't care enough. But I really like your story and think you have immense potential so I am taking the time for you. :D Love it and can't wait for the next chapter.
Classic. Trap them in the car. haha. I love this part: "Whatever you say, pretty boy." "Prettier than you." "That's just unnatural." "Deal with it, street urchin."
*rolls on the floor in raucous laughter* I could just SEE them during this whole exchange. They're a little bit like Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell in My Girl Friday, I think.
A few things I would work on... it feels like you're trying too hard in some spots. An example: "she’d be tied down with chores that rivaled titanium in their strength of binding." There were a couple other metaphors which just didn't seem to...fit. My personal opinion is that you should not worry about similes and metaphors, let things come as they will.
(also, do you really need 'the lagomorph'? Considering your target audience, I think it'd be better just to stick with hare, or bunny, or rabbit. ^_^)
And finally, Strunk & White (every author needs that book, 'Elements of Style' if you don't have it get one NOW! :P) say to omit needless words and make definite assertions. So, we have this "She seemed to be utterly satisfied and content." But how about a stronger, more to the point sentence? Something like: "She was perfectly content with what she was doing." There's no need for the "seemed", say that she WAS. A positive assertion. And utterly, satisfied, and content all seem to say the same thing. I'd go with one of those words or go huntin' for a different, single word that better conveys what you mean.
I hope you don't mind all the constructive criticism. It really is because I like your story so much. Usually I just ignore errors and things I think could be improved because I'm a busy person and I just don't care enough. But I really like your story and think you have immense potential so I am taking the time for you. :D Love it and can't wait for the next chapter.