for The Story You Shouldn't Know2/22/2011 c32 
12The Smile Machine
I'm a bit ashamed to say that I have quite a bit of homework I have to complete tonight. All because of your story. Took me three days, and a lot of emotion, too! First of all, I love how it's so well-written. It's so difficult to find a decent story in the T section of fictionpress nowadays. Secondly, the exquisiteness in which it was crafted amazed me. Everything in the story was explainable and understandable, and I find that extremely admirable. Thirdly, I love how you twisted it-we've all heard the devil/angel cliche, but not quite to this level. It's extremely creative and well-executed. The ending isn't quite a happy ending (I'm a huge fan of super happy endings, so I would know), but it leaves this...completeness, nostalgia. I can't quite describe it. But I can't quite describe how incredible it was to read this. I was so lucky to read it here, and I was always half frightened that you'd take it down for publishing, which is probably why I read through it so quickly. Poignant. That's how I'd describe this story if I had only one word. Consider this my thanks for bestowing me with such a wonderful story when I was despairing that I'd never read anything good again.
12The Smile MachineI'm a bit ashamed to say that I have quite a bit of homework I have to complete tonight. All because of your story. Took me three days, and a lot of emotion, too! First of all, I love how it's so well-written. It's so difficult to find a decent story in the T section of fictionpress nowadays. Secondly, the exquisiteness in which it was crafted amazed me. Everything in the story was explainable and understandable, and I find that extremely admirable. Thirdly, I love how you twisted it-we've all heard the devil/angel cliche, but not quite to this level. It's extremely creative and well-executed. The ending isn't quite a happy ending (I'm a huge fan of super happy endings, so I would know), but it leaves this...completeness, nostalgia. I can't quite describe it. But I can't quite describe how incredible it was to read this. I was so lucky to read it here, and I was always half frightened that you'd take it down for publishing, which is probably why I read through it so quickly. Poignant. That's how I'd describe this story if I had only one word. Consider this my thanks for bestowing me with such a wonderful story when I was despairing that I'd never read anything good again.
2/20/2011 c32 2Skyterra
Hi,
I have a few things to say about this story, and I'm going to try and be truthful. I think your sentence structure and grammar is really good, and that's one of the things that I really like and look for when I'm reading stories; it just bugs me when people don't write properly.
When I first started this story, I was really excited because it seemed really good; however, there's something I realized. I think if you were ever to rewrite this story, this is just something to consider: It seems like Anna is the main character since we read from her point of view first. Even though Anna obviously changes throughout the story, it seems like most of the action happens TO her. Like she doesn't do anything herself. To be honest, it kind of bothered me because I felt like I wasn't really reading about a heroine... I felt like a bunch of crazy things were happening to her, and she was just reacting.
It kind of felt like Josh was always there for her when things got dangerous. I think I would have liked it if she actually used the full extent of her powers once without having him intervene at the last moment.
Also, I believe the genre for this story should be Romance and Supernatural (it is listed as Romance/General on my FP).
I actually really liked this story. I don't mean any offense whatsoever. You did a really good job explaining everything. I do have one question, though: How come Josh was like, 7 in the prologue, and he's like 16 now, but it said he's been alive for a really long time? I'm wondering why he aged... like why wasn't he 16 to begin with?
Great job! I have to check out your other works - I really enjoyed this one. Thanks!
Sky
2SkyterraHi,
I have a few things to say about this story, and I'm going to try and be truthful. I think your sentence structure and grammar is really good, and that's one of the things that I really like and look for when I'm reading stories; it just bugs me when people don't write properly.
When I first started this story, I was really excited because it seemed really good; however, there's something I realized. I think if you were ever to rewrite this story, this is just something to consider: It seems like Anna is the main character since we read from her point of view first. Even though Anna obviously changes throughout the story, it seems like most of the action happens TO her. Like she doesn't do anything herself. To be honest, it kind of bothered me because I felt like I wasn't really reading about a heroine... I felt like a bunch of crazy things were happening to her, and she was just reacting.
It kind of felt like Josh was always there for her when things got dangerous. I think I would have liked it if she actually used the full extent of her powers once without having him intervene at the last moment.
Also, I believe the genre for this story should be Romance and Supernatural (it is listed as Romance/General on my FP).
I actually really liked this story. I don't mean any offense whatsoever. You did a really good job explaining everything. I do have one question, though: How come Josh was like, 7 in the prologue, and he's like 16 now, but it said he's been alive for a really long time? I'm wondering why he aged... like why wasn't he 16 to begin with?
Great job! I have to check out your other works - I really enjoyed this one. Thanks!
Sky
2/13/2011 c32 Riley T
ah this is about her parents kind of shocked to find her mother was a murderer and had mental illness and is as assume Gabe is short for Gabriel as in the angel thanks for this it tied the ending to this story quite nicely
ah this is about her parents kind of shocked to find her mother was a murderer and had mental illness and is as assume Gabe is short for Gabriel as in the angel thanks for this it tied the ending to this story quite nicely
2/13/2011 c30 Riley T
wow this was a great story i throughly enjoyed reading it the ending was so sad yet so sweet thanks for sharing
wow this was a great story i throughly enjoyed reading it the ending was so sad yet so sweet thanks for sharing
2/6/2011 c32 1Triangle
I used to come onto Fictionpress and find all these breath-taking, amazing stories that made me laugh. Then, I started to want to read more adult stories. I tried going back to the ones I used to read, but I kept spotting flaws in the plot and writing.
I constantly came back on here to find a new story that would capture me like they used to, but I couldn't. Then, I came across this. I must have liked the sound of it, so I bookmarked it. About three months later, I came across this again, and I started to read, just curiously. (I think I was procrastinating - I was probably supposed to be writing. xD) And I have to say, I'm so glad I started to read this. Everything seems perfect - the plot (how did you even come up with this genius idea?), the characters, the balance between humour and angst, the pace, the side characters, the writing. I would say that a different ending would have been better, but I know that's just my attachment talking. You couldn't have finished it more perfectly, but it still leaves me feeling depressed, even though they both technically lived.
If this was made into a book, I'd definitely buy it. But the publishing process is more difficult then it seems and I know that on fictionpress, you'd get feedback directly from your readers, whereas if it were a book, you wouldn't. :P
I don't know if you've considered inkpop - that's where I go to read now, seeing as though fictionpress's standards seemed to have dropped. (Your story has definitely upped my standards) Honestly, some of the top stories on inkpop don't compare to this. :D
Anyway, just wanted to say all this (it's an essay. Sorry!) but this story touched my heart in ways some published books haven't. I'm looking forward to any more of your work, if you do some. ;D
1TriangleI used to come onto Fictionpress and find all these breath-taking, amazing stories that made me laugh. Then, I started to want to read more adult stories. I tried going back to the ones I used to read, but I kept spotting flaws in the plot and writing.
I constantly came back on here to find a new story that would capture me like they used to, but I couldn't. Then, I came across this. I must have liked the sound of it, so I bookmarked it. About three months later, I came across this again, and I started to read, just curiously. (I think I was procrastinating - I was probably supposed to be writing. xD) And I have to say, I'm so glad I started to read this. Everything seems perfect - the plot (how did you even come up with this genius idea?), the characters, the balance between humour and angst, the pace, the side characters, the writing. I would say that a different ending would have been better, but I know that's just my attachment talking. You couldn't have finished it more perfectly, but it still leaves me feeling depressed, even though they both technically lived.
If this was made into a book, I'd definitely buy it. But the publishing process is more difficult then it seems and I know that on fictionpress, you'd get feedback directly from your readers, whereas if it were a book, you wouldn't. :P
I don't know if you've considered inkpop - that's where I go to read now, seeing as though fictionpress's standards seemed to have dropped. (Your story has definitely upped my standards) Honestly, some of the top stories on inkpop don't compare to this. :D
Anyway, just wanted to say all this (it's an essay. Sorry!) but this story touched my heart in ways some published books haven't. I'm looking forward to any more of your work, if you do some. ;D
2/5/2011 c31 4shallow is as shallow does
I adore this story. I found it on SKOW at 12 this afternoon and am just now finishing. I love the harry potter references and Annas attempts at being funny. Very unique story and sweet as well. Thanks for writing it!
4shallow is as shallow doesI adore this story. I found it on SKOW at 12 this afternoon and am just now finishing. I love the harry potter references and Annas attempts at being funny. Very unique story and sweet as well. Thanks for writing it!
2/5/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
"Hello, wolfie." =D
There are certainly a lot of laughs in the first chapter of this! Aw, I hope Anna doesn't give up on the angel thingy. The problem was that the last part of the chapter was way too rushed. Pace it out slowly, and describe a bit more. The beginning is perfect, though! Decent first chapter.
x mandy
~review marathon, link on my profile~
5thefaultinourpatronus"Hello, wolfie." =D
There are certainly a lot of laughs in the first chapter of this! Aw, I hope Anna doesn't give up on the angel thingy. The problem was that the last part of the chapter was way too rushed. Pace it out slowly, and describe a bit more. The beginning is perfect, though! Decent first chapter.
x mandy
~review marathon, link on my profile~
2/4/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Fifteen Years Ago, Marcus Romanian's School for the Unusually Gifted
-Highly unnecessary. I suspect that we'll learn how old the girl is that gets dropped off when we return to the present time, but we'll know we've jumped to the present when we get there. Take a page from Harry Potter, in the first chapter when Harry is dropped off on the Dursley's front door, it doesn't say "twelve years ago", and we will learn what the school's name is when we read your narrative-trust the readers, and integrate the details into your writing.
Her mind was buzzing...
-Style: watch your passive voice, here it could be "Her mind buzzed"
(she was; her short greying hair pinned back firmly, her blue eyes cold and stern in her square face, her clothes crisp on her skeletal frame)
-Style: I thought this was sort of a very cliche way to describe a character-looking into a mirror? Though you gave realistic purpose, instead of say, her waking up in the morning and looking into the mirror, I'm still not fond of the way you parenthetically did this, I think you could work it into the narrative in a more creative way, and describe her more creatively as well
Shouldn't the Headmistress realistically have a secretary of some sort to deal with people who are coming to register children? There should be a third party, I should think, to organizing this-that's how most homes would work. I found it unrealistic that she had to get up from her desk and go answer a door-or that the person was yelling "Headmistress!" how did they know there wouldn't be a doorman or someone there to answer? It would seem more formal that way.
"I'm afraid our fees are rather exorbitant ... far too expensive for – "
-But apparently they can't pay for a doorman or a secretary?
"Thank you ... so much."
-Edit: when you use ellipses in writing, there isn't a need for spaces between them, it's grammatically incorrect. I notice you do that a lot, also with your hyphens, which are different than dashes. Make sure to keep in mind that you don't need extra spaces between either of those, and maybe look up the difference between a hyphen and a dash in narratives...
Nine Years Ago, Around Marcus Romanian's...
-Again, I don't think this is necessary, especially because you're narrating form a third person perspective. Also, why "around"? We have no concept of where that is until you start the story, and again, you can work in the location and name of the school into the narrative. Perhaps begin with, "Nine years after Anastasia was given to the Headmistress of Marcus Romanian's...she woke with a start" or something to that effect.
Anastasia woke up with a start.
-Style: can omit "up"
The pace in the opening of the second part is quite fast. I would have enjoyed more description, and you don't achieve keeping your audience on edge while Anna goes to the door. The tension fell *completely* flat. I would have liked you to build it more so that we were actually just as tense and frightened as she was, but instead everything happens rather quickly and you don't linger on it. Even though she's a brave kid, it wasn't as "holy crap, a wolf!" as I would have thought it might have been.
Also, again, is she in the school? Where is she? Does anyone else live in this house with her-like an adult? If this Supernatural stuff happens all the time with her, then shouldn't there be adults watching her more closely than others? I don't think you've provided enough background about the school to justify this scene. I feel like you were eager to get to the wolf and the transition may have happened to fast. I also expect the Headmistress to be a more severe woman, but it appears like Anna has had a pleasant childhood so far-she was even nice to the woman at the door? Why build her up to be frightening and "severe" when she transitions completely from that initial characterization?
But back to setting, so we have Bugs Bunny, and a reference to fortune cookies, but she lives by a forest, so this obviously isn't taking place in a city area. Give us a bit more about the surrounding area, is her house in a town? Again, why is she only visitied some times by the Headmistress and playmates? Does she live by herself, does she not go to school then? There are so many questions that could provide a more contextual backbone for the scene, and paint the descriptions better. Is it dark? What kind of dark? What's the entryway to the house like? Does she fear waking up anyone by talking to herself?
"...some sort of
birthmark. It's really light though."
-Edit: this should all be in the first paragraph, just a typo, I'm sure, but I just want to let you know
She smiled up at him and, overcome with happiness...
-Style: omit the comma after "and"
The second to last sentence was a little awkward because you repeated on his wrist" more than once, I think there could be a better structure for it-try reading it aloud to get a feel for how it should sound.
Overall, I'm kind of surprised that this is in the most creative plot category at SKoW, haha, just because right now you've got a set up that's a lot like Harry Potter, and humans talking to wolves isn't something that's never been done before or that new. I'm assuming it gets a lot more interesting as the story goes on, so I'm looking forward to seeing where you might go with it.
I think my biggest criticisms so far is the inconsistency in the Headmistress's character, and the pacing of the second part. It could have been a lot richer and it just felt like it was rushed because you wanted to get the White Wolf introduced.
That being said, I did like the mystery surrounding the mark on the wrist-kind of again, reminds me of the scar on Harry's forehead. And then, if there is a prophecy involved, then that's going into even more of a cliche realm of young adult fantasy, BUT, like I said, this is showing potential as far as plot, and I like that you might bring these two characters together eventually-the boy at the end, and then Anna. Kind of reminds me of His Dark Materials and The Subtle Knife, in that sense, but with a romance factor I'm sure this could get pretty fun.
Review brought to by the The Review Marathon at The Review Game (link in my profile)
4lookingwestFifteen Years Ago, Marcus Romanian's School for the Unusually Gifted
-Highly unnecessary. I suspect that we'll learn how old the girl is that gets dropped off when we return to the present time, but we'll know we've jumped to the present when we get there. Take a page from Harry Potter, in the first chapter when Harry is dropped off on the Dursley's front door, it doesn't say "twelve years ago", and we will learn what the school's name is when we read your narrative-trust the readers, and integrate the details into your writing.
Her mind was buzzing...
-Style: watch your passive voice, here it could be "Her mind buzzed"
(she was; her short greying hair pinned back firmly, her blue eyes cold and stern in her square face, her clothes crisp on her skeletal frame)
-Style: I thought this was sort of a very cliche way to describe a character-looking into a mirror? Though you gave realistic purpose, instead of say, her waking up in the morning and looking into the mirror, I'm still not fond of the way you parenthetically did this, I think you could work it into the narrative in a more creative way, and describe her more creatively as well
Shouldn't the Headmistress realistically have a secretary of some sort to deal with people who are coming to register children? There should be a third party, I should think, to organizing this-that's how most homes would work. I found it unrealistic that she had to get up from her desk and go answer a door-or that the person was yelling "Headmistress!" how did they know there wouldn't be a doorman or someone there to answer? It would seem more formal that way.
"I'm afraid our fees are rather exorbitant ... far too expensive for – "
-But apparently they can't pay for a doorman or a secretary?
"Thank you ... so much."
-Edit: when you use ellipses in writing, there isn't a need for spaces between them, it's grammatically incorrect. I notice you do that a lot, also with your hyphens, which are different than dashes. Make sure to keep in mind that you don't need extra spaces between either of those, and maybe look up the difference between a hyphen and a dash in narratives...
Nine Years Ago, Around Marcus Romanian's...
-Again, I don't think this is necessary, especially because you're narrating form a third person perspective. Also, why "around"? We have no concept of where that is until you start the story, and again, you can work in the location and name of the school into the narrative. Perhaps begin with, "Nine years after Anastasia was given to the Headmistress of Marcus Romanian's...she woke with a start" or something to that effect.
Anastasia woke up with a start.
-Style: can omit "up"
The pace in the opening of the second part is quite fast. I would have enjoyed more description, and you don't achieve keeping your audience on edge while Anna goes to the door. The tension fell *completely* flat. I would have liked you to build it more so that we were actually just as tense and frightened as she was, but instead everything happens rather quickly and you don't linger on it. Even though she's a brave kid, it wasn't as "holy crap, a wolf!" as I would have thought it might have been.
Also, again, is she in the school? Where is she? Does anyone else live in this house with her-like an adult? If this Supernatural stuff happens all the time with her, then shouldn't there be adults watching her more closely than others? I don't think you've provided enough background about the school to justify this scene. I feel like you were eager to get to the wolf and the transition may have happened to fast. I also expect the Headmistress to be a more severe woman, but it appears like Anna has had a pleasant childhood so far-she was even nice to the woman at the door? Why build her up to be frightening and "severe" when she transitions completely from that initial characterization?
But back to setting, so we have Bugs Bunny, and a reference to fortune cookies, but she lives by a forest, so this obviously isn't taking place in a city area. Give us a bit more about the surrounding area, is her house in a town? Again, why is she only visitied some times by the Headmistress and playmates? Does she live by herself, does she not go to school then? There are so many questions that could provide a more contextual backbone for the scene, and paint the descriptions better. Is it dark? What kind of dark? What's the entryway to the house like? Does she fear waking up anyone by talking to herself?
"...some sort of
birthmark. It's really light though."
-Edit: this should all be in the first paragraph, just a typo, I'm sure, but I just want to let you know
She smiled up at him and, overcome with happiness...
-Style: omit the comma after "and"
The second to last sentence was a little awkward because you repeated on his wrist" more than once, I think there could be a better structure for it-try reading it aloud to get a feel for how it should sound.
Overall, I'm kind of surprised that this is in the most creative plot category at SKoW, haha, just because right now you've got a set up that's a lot like Harry Potter, and humans talking to wolves isn't something that's never been done before or that new. I'm assuming it gets a lot more interesting as the story goes on, so I'm looking forward to seeing where you might go with it.
I think my biggest criticisms so far is the inconsistency in the Headmistress's character, and the pacing of the second part. It could have been a lot richer and it just felt like it was rushed because you wanted to get the White Wolf introduced.
That being said, I did like the mystery surrounding the mark on the wrist-kind of again, reminds me of the scar on Harry's forehead. And then, if there is a prophecy involved, then that's going into even more of a cliche realm of young adult fantasy, BUT, like I said, this is showing potential as far as plot, and I like that you might bring these two characters together eventually-the boy at the end, and then Anna. Kind of reminds me of His Dark Materials and The Subtle Knife, in that sense, but with a romance factor I'm sure this could get pretty fun.
Review brought to by the The Review Marathon at The Review Game (link in my profile)
2/2/2011 c31 AranaBanana
Hello there!
That was such an amazing story! I really, REALLY loved it. Though at first I thought "she's crazy, there's just no way some half-angel could love such evilness without going mad", you proved me wrong. The way you described the characters' conflicted feelings was just awesomely done. I also loved all the references to well-known things (the Bible, Harry Potter...), it gives the story an humoristical side which is refreshing.
So really, in my opinion this story is flawless. You had me hooked from the beginning until the very end. So I'd really like to thank you, a big huge thank you for writing and sharing it.
Hello there!
That was such an amazing story! I really, REALLY loved it. Though at first I thought "she's crazy, there's just no way some half-angel could love such evilness without going mad", you proved me wrong. The way you described the characters' conflicted feelings was just awesomely done. I also loved all the references to well-known things (the Bible, Harry Potter...), it gives the story an humoristical side which is refreshing.
So really, in my opinion this story is flawless. You had me hooked from the beginning until the very end. So I'd really like to thank you, a big huge thank you for writing and sharing it.
2/1/2011 c1 1Bisepadi
*sigh* You know, if u had, at the VERY least, attempted a build-up, rather than trying to forcefeed me ur world in the first chapter, I might have taken this story a tad more seriously...
1Bisepadi*sigh* You know, if u had, at the VERY least, attempted a build-up, rather than trying to forcefeed me ur world in the first chapter, I might have taken this story a tad more seriously...
1/20/2011 c32 Lemoncheesekake
Amazing. This is the first time I've attempted to read anything of the supernatural genre and believe me when I say that I'm not disappointed at all. I actually began reading when I saw your location (it's not everyday that we see someone from Egypt xD) and I'm glad that I did. Iblees was a djinn actually (I think I read somewhere in your story about him being an angel, that's why I'm clarifying. Sorry if I read wrong!), made from fire but he was the most pious of all and when he refused to bow to Adam, he was cursed. I can't imagine Shaytan having kids...and Josh? You almost broke my heart by making him a devil. A guy that cool shouldn't be the devil...but then, it's right that you made him this way. I mean evil IS appealing. I didn't know the thing about the number 6...is it true? And you are right. If evil is removed from the world, it would be...I don't know. How would we be judged if all was well?
Again, the story was Amazing. Like really really amazing :)
Amazing. This is the first time I've attempted to read anything of the supernatural genre and believe me when I say that I'm not disappointed at all. I actually began reading when I saw your location (it's not everyday that we see someone from Egypt xD) and I'm glad that I did. Iblees was a djinn actually (I think I read somewhere in your story about him being an angel, that's why I'm clarifying. Sorry if I read wrong!), made from fire but he was the most pious of all and when he refused to bow to Adam, he was cursed. I can't imagine Shaytan having kids...and Josh? You almost broke my heart by making him a devil. A guy that cool shouldn't be the devil...but then, it's right that you made him this way. I mean evil IS appealing. I didn't know the thing about the number 6...is it true? And you are right. If evil is removed from the world, it would be...I don't know. How would we be judged if all was well?
Again, the story was Amazing. Like really really amazing :)
1/18/2011 c30 4tktktk
Wow I read all of this today and... Wow! It's just amazing. You're a very talented writer and have a charisma in your writing that's so rare in stories. I loved the bittersweet ending. Are you planning on writing any more long novels like this? Maybe you could check out my story, Ishiki. I'd love to get your opinion on it :)
4tktktkWow I read all of this today and... Wow! It's just amazing. You're a very talented writer and have a charisma in your writing that's so rare in stories. I loved the bittersweet ending. Are you planning on writing any more long novels like this? Maybe you could check out my story, Ishiki. I'd love to get your opinion on it :)
1/11/2011 c32 themoderngirls
This is the greatest story i've read! It should totally get published and be made into a movie or something! I love how the epilogue is about the mother; very unique :) Thanks!
This is the greatest story i've read! It should totally get published and be made into a movie or something! I love how the epilogue is about the mother; very unique :) Thanks!