for Types of Perfection6/16/2010 c3 
10close enough to speak
Nice to have you back! This couldn't have anything to do with FIFA, could it?
I was pretty confused at the start, I think because I haven't read the rest of the story in a long time but also the dialogue was a bit confusing... "Sloppy", to quote Spencer. It doesn't flow super well, I think you could improve.
On the other hand the pacing was really good, and you handled the game really well. Nice action to detail to dialogue balance. And Spencer had some good, natural character growth moments.
Please post the next chapter within three year :)
10close enough to speakNice to have you back! This couldn't have anything to do with FIFA, could it?
I was pretty confused at the start, I think because I haven't read the rest of the story in a long time but also the dialogue was a bit confusing... "Sloppy", to quote Spencer. It doesn't flow super well, I think you could improve.
On the other hand the pacing was really good, and you handled the game really well. Nice action to detail to dialogue balance. And Spencer had some good, natural character growth moments.
Please post the next chapter within three year :)
6/16/2010 c1 15perfectly bemused
I started reading your story because it seemed like a twist on the fall in love with your bestfriend's brother, but it's almost too cliche. They hate each other, and that's convenient, because then they can fall in love with each other. I know people like cliches for a reason, and everyone is guilty of writing them, but right now there's nothing new or special in your story that makes me want to keep reading.
You've practically given away your plot line in this first chapter. Austin had a crush on Ava, she holds a grudge, but of course things will work out.
I can't see myself coming back to this story as it is, with a little editing and maybe better character portrayals, maybe something beyond the extreme dislike between Ava and Austin, then maybe I'd keep reading.
There are also a lot of dialogue tags, which is a little distracting. At one point when Kate and Ava are talking every line spoken has a tag, maybe get rid of a few of them, and then the ones you do use will have a greater meaning to the actions of your characters.
Alright, maybe I'll read another chapter later, just to check back in.
15perfectly bemusedI started reading your story because it seemed like a twist on the fall in love with your bestfriend's brother, but it's almost too cliche. They hate each other, and that's convenient, because then they can fall in love with each other. I know people like cliches for a reason, and everyone is guilty of writing them, but right now there's nothing new or special in your story that makes me want to keep reading.
You've practically given away your plot line in this first chapter. Austin had a crush on Ava, she holds a grudge, but of course things will work out.
I can't see myself coming back to this story as it is, with a little editing and maybe better character portrayals, maybe something beyond the extreme dislike between Ava and Austin, then maybe I'd keep reading.
There are also a lot of dialogue tags, which is a little distracting. At one point when Kate and Ava are talking every line spoken has a tag, maybe get rid of a few of them, and then the ones you do use will have a greater meaning to the actions of your characters.
Alright, maybe I'll read another chapter later, just to check back in.
1/4/2010 c2 6Yoron
Maybe you should compare the first chapter to this. Here it's all conversation. I really liked the way you started the first with 'looking around' caching the exterior and also describing characters etc. It's difficult to make that a 'flow' but when you succeed it's worth it. If the first chapter was a 'nine' near a ten then this I'll give a eight at most.
Doesn't have anything to do with the way you write, it's still a 'flow' but not as interesting to me :) So I'm being subjective here, but hey, i'm also giving you good pointers, well, if you would ask me that is ::))
Good work all the same.
Yoron.
6YoronMaybe you should compare the first chapter to this. Here it's all conversation. I really liked the way you started the first with 'looking around' caching the exterior and also describing characters etc. It's difficult to make that a 'flow' but when you succeed it's worth it. If the first chapter was a 'nine' near a ten then this I'll give a eight at most.
Doesn't have anything to do with the way you write, it's still a 'flow' but not as interesting to me :) So I'm being subjective here, but hey, i'm also giving you good pointers, well, if you would ask me that is ::))
Good work all the same.
Yoron.
1/4/2010 c1 Yoron
Okay, I'll give you a review, and I'll do it with pleasure. This is one of the most mature and interesting starts I've read here. You build up your characters very well in it. And kept my interest through it all. You are right, this is one of the best you've made (yet:)
One of the things I'm finding 'cliché' though, that you need to move out of, is all this being f*ng rich, lectual and stuff. It's people you're describing, not money, and I would have read it with the same pleasure even if Ava just was a normal street urchin, do you see my point?
You have a really good romance brewing here.
Okay, I'll give you a review, and I'll do it with pleasure. This is one of the most mature and interesting starts I've read here. You build up your characters very well in it. And kept my interest through it all. You are right, this is one of the best you've made (yet:)
One of the things I'm finding 'cliché' though, that you need to move out of, is all this being f*ng rich, lectual and stuff. It's people you're describing, not money, and I would have read it with the same pleasure even if Ava just was a normal street urchin, do you see my point?
You have a really good romance brewing here.