7/8/2009 c1 12Mr. Aek
Assisium

@.@ I already can't stand this name - keeps making me think of ass...

Nicholial - guy or girl? I'm confused, it looks like you are trying to hard on names... or did you just button mash till something looked good?

Nicholial’s hand tightened around Assisium’s. Nervousness stalked him more securely than it had Assisium since they’d woken up when the Earth’s dawn touched the rim of their domain’s outskirts. Early mornings this stringent usually stressed Assisium the most, but anticipation had reversed their roles.

- doesn't flow, half the time I can't tell if your talking about Ass person or Nichol-wha (I think i need a pronunciation guide here)

Stringent - strictly controlled or enforced.. I would think an early morning as stagnant - still or unmoving (calm)

Quisty - this makes it look like you changed names... make it sure you let the reader know its a third person.

"Keeping his eyes fixed down on the top of the head he’d brought with him aided that endeavor." - too many comma's you didn't need them.

Quistastin - another name i cant pronounce - still, trying too hard.

Fair, limp tresses slid over his face and shoulders, served as a veil for his vacant countenance.

- your sentences are confusing.

Fair limp tresses slid down over his face and shoulders, they served as a veil for his vacant countenance.

Lycoriast - lycor wha? still, very odd names.

Aravelo - who? a nickname? if so, tell someone its a nick!

I stopped editing after the first few bits cause i got frustrated with the story. Personally i wouldn't of read past the first two paragraphs after the odd names and vocabulary I saw in the story. You use a lot of complex words, is that to make yourself sound smarter or something? you have to dumb it down for the normal reader otherwise your only get retired couples who read way to much or snobby high-end college students in IV league schools reading your book. And I'm sure you would want a larger audience than that small percentage.

You also lack ANY description of the couple (i think?) you even failed to mention which one was the girl and which was the guy - and the names are too.. odd for anyone to figure it out by that. You also leave out and description of what was around them. The entire story was dialogue and lacked anything else.

you also leave out enough description of what they were doing i see stuff like this 'He made a gesture with his hand' - Great! ... what gesture? this description here is garbage.. i don't want to know 'he made a gesture' i want to know 'He separated his his pointer and middle finger from the rest of the hand and loosely aimed the two fingers at the boy with a blank expression standing still next to him.'

also explain what the hell is going on BEFORE they start talking. in other words lay out the area around them, how many people are there, where they are standing, and what they all look like. THEN start the conflict between the couple and Quisty. I don't want to think there is only two people looking at the sunset (or rise) then suddenly have more and more people spawn out of thin air and force me to rearrange my perception on the story.

only grammatical problem i noticed was way to many comma's try to thin it out a bit and make the story flow better.

-Well, I reviewed it for yah,

Lamma

I would give this 1 out of 5 stars, vocab was too complex and the names confusing. There was no description of what was going on and only dialogue. Sorry!

*O