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for Survival of the Fattest

9/18/2010 c1 4Screaming Dean
This kind of reminds me of Terminator the TV series. It's pretty good.
9/4/2010 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
The first paragraph is a bit static, it seems that every sentence starts with John or 'he'.

[John was looking out the window of Nina's apartment. He had woken up with no recollection of the past three years of his life. He had gotten fat for no reason. John looked in awe as he was in a desert and ahead were cities and houses in ruins]

Change the sentence structures a bit. As well as this, you could take out the 'as' in the last sentence and replace it with a comma, might help it flow better.

[Nina looked up in emphasis.] Can you look up in emphasis? It seems a bit odd. Maybe 'Nina looked up, emphasising her point' or something?

Again, I think you need scene breaks when it switches from earth to the aliens.

['Fat' and 'fit' don't go together] Hmm...sayings are usually quite general, whereas this seems to be very specific to what's happening :P

Anyway, the plot seems to be moving on nicely, as I've pointed out there are a few things you could edit but the characters are interesting and the plot keeps you hooked. Nice work.
9/2/2010 c2 1esthaelum
Hehe. Well, the plot of this story is definitely different and amusing.

I'm just as confused at Nina... Well, there wasn't much happening in this chapter,

but it was nice to see more of Nina. She looks like an interesting character so far.

It was also nice to read some of Jen and Nina's dialogue, so good job on that.

9/1/2010 c1 9Sakina the Fallen Angel

When I read that the race was called the 'Domintradox', I immediately linked the word to dominatrix, not sure if that was your intended effect. Anyway, you kept on jumping from the past tense to the present tense, which was a little distracting, so I'd just pick one tense and stick to it.

Spotted an error:

Eventually they were disappointment [disappointed] from the result of the men's failure to satisfy them and instead led them to their hatred of all men all over the galaxy.

Also, the paragraph beginning "Nina was a 25 year old brunette." felt too disjointed because you weren't varying your sentence structure enough, and were also just telling us too much information. As other reviewers have said, it's much more effective to show us, rather than telling us the facts as that will engage the reader more.

Your story idea is totally unique, so kudos to you on that! But, there are a lot of kinks that need to be worked out in this chapter in order to make it more polished.

~ Sakina from the Roadhouse x
8/29/2010 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Firstly, the chapter seems a bit jumpy, especially right at the start; maybe put in some scene breaks? I'm still a little confused as to why they'd fatten him up, surely it's putting them at risk? Maybe you could portray them as a bit more arrogant, over-confident that there's no one who could destroy them?

Be careful of tense; you seem to switch between past and present tense, it might be best to stay in past tense.

[make him gain 100 pounds so he can fulfill his destiny, which is to destroy them,] numbers should be written in words, so maybe "gain a hundred pounds so he could fulfill his destiny; to destroy them." or something like that?

I like the confusion he has when he wakes up, and his reaction to her dress, however part of me feels like their attrativeness is mentioned a bit too much; maybe make it a little bit more subtle?

I'm really enjoying this; it's an interesting idea and I can't help but wonder how he's going to destroy them whilst being oveweight :P Nice work.

-from the Roadhouse
8/27/2010 c3 6MeAsIAm
Interesting chapter. You could divide it in two parts by a line breaker or something because when the focus shifts back to Earth, it gets a bit confusing.

/One of them,/ a slender female humanoid wearing a metallic suit that spread through her entire body and face walked towards a long wide window showing Earth.
8/25/2010 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
Show, don't tell! How does he look surprised at the end?

"I am amazed you are thinking fast." Jen frowned.' One of the few things I noticed, maybe add a comma after amazed?

I've got one major question; why do they want him fattened up if it's going to be someone fat who saves humanity? I think I asked it in my previous review but it's just something that's bugging me.

Anyway, interesting idea and the end of that chapter left a good hook, good work with that.

-from The Roadhouse
8/23/2010 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
Firstly, cut down the paragraphs. The first, especially, feels like a bit of an info-dump; maybe you could change it into a prologue with the scene of the aliens abducting him? As well as that, I'm assuming the aliens knew of the prophecy but humans didn't, in which case...why would they make someone overweight? Even if they do see the prophecy as a joke. It doesn't seem very clever of them.

Also, be careful of telling, rather than showing. Instead of telling us Nina is a warrior, show us; maybe have her fighting one of the aliens in a flashback or something?

Other than that, this seems like quite a funny idea and I look forward to seeing where you take it.
8/21/2010 c1 1esthaelum
The paragraphs are a bit too big for my eyes... I'm one of those people who get intimidated by large blocks of writing. Perhaps split the paragraphs into small ones? Also, when someone talks, you need to start a new line, which you didn't on the first paragraph.

I see you pay attention to women's appearance and large breasts... xD. Reminds me of one of those animes that are ecchi or whatever. Basically, they revolve around girl and big breasts. I'm not a big fan of them, but meh. It doesn't bother me. *shrugs*

Anyway, good start so far. This story is very unique so far. It's good. Keep writing.

8/17/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
0_0 my jaw dropped about reading.. wow how funny xD the dude as to gain weight! wow lol... I look forward to reading more of this =)

8/17/2010 c1 4Frayling0
Wow! Possibly the most unique first chapter I have ever seen! The whole thing put a smile on my face and made me laugh, not a lot else to say, except this was great fun and I look forward to reading more! ~ Luke
8/17/2010 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there from The Roadhouse. :) Okay, so basically this seems to be some sort of parody humour work here with a somewhat a major touch of the erotic factor. In Japanese terms, I guess one can call it ecchi. ;) Anyway, for a starter chapter, this one is pretty decent in terms of contents. But I think you can pretty much improve on it. Firstly, you could have given more details on the past events where the individual thoughts of the major players during that era is concerned. For starters, you could have given more insight on John's character so as to create a stronger relevance to the plot apart from the whole cause and effect issue.

Secondly, the starting part on Nina's introduction was that of a third party job. Try to do it via the first person view instead because by the way you're doing it, you're telling rather than showing, which takes a lot from the potential appeal of the story. Also while I don't mind the more erotic aspects of her thoughts, it would be so much better if you can actually include certain issues on her mind that would bear a strong relevance to the plot and a stronger insight on her character. So far to me, she seems rather flat as a character due to my previous statement. Try to let the readers know more about her via her body language, the nature of her emotions, etc.

Apart from that, nothing much to say here. Sorry if this review sounds harsh for a starting review, but as writers, we are all here to learn from critique, right? That plus I've got serious issues in communicating. So erm yeah. That's it.

P.S: Pay back this review via A Ranger's Tale. :)

-From The Roadhouse. :)
8/16/2010 c1 7Zaarah
I really like your style of writing. It's witty and sharp. The paragraphs are really easy to read through too, but you might want to make them smaller. Most people find it hard to read out big paragraphs on the screen, i've been told that too. Your style is reminiscent of Douglas Adams'! I really enjoyed reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. To be honest when I read the title I thought it was going to be the same high-school story revolving around a fat guy, but i'm pleasantly surprised! Well done. I will come back and read the 12 chapters! Happy writing :) I hope you had as much fun writing this as I did reading it.
8/16/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Via the roadhouse

The paragraph are too dense, and coupled with the passive voice, it makes it a weary read. I'd like to suggest that you cut out the first paragraph and make it into a opening chapter of the story. The passiveness suits that paragraph, but it does not bode well in the next paragraphs. As the paragraph contains less descriptions in general, it would serve nicely as an opening chapter. Then again, its upto you really.


-At some point[in history], a young man

-There /is/[was] a prophecy that /suggests/[suggested that] an overweight man will save Earth

(prophecy by whom? will save earth from whom/what?)

-You can change the tenses in the first para to past, except the last two or three sentences.

- The discussion about her outfit seemed long drawn. You can cut that bit out, and add it in a slightly lighter vein.

- Overall, you have an interesting concept that can develop into a pretty good story. :)
8/16/2010 c2 8Kobra Kid
Another good chapter. The introduction of Jen was good, but remember to show, don't tell everything. :)

Besides that, it was enjoyable! All of the characters seem to be realistic, and the dialogue is very well-written as well. And the 'make him 300 pounds or the world will be destroed' was rather funny, since its completely ridiculous. xD. Good job!

~B. Cross from the Roadhouse

-Can you payback these two reviews via Ace Of Spades? Thanks :)
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