for Getting Scared?4/7/2009 c4 
28Radioactive
I really like this story. Very moody and involving, kind of like a "Doubt" meets "Hard Candy", and I like how you're sort of playing with the reader's perceptions of morality. I'd like to read about the two characters' pasts, how Father Vincent met Nagi, how the abuse started, etc., maybe there could be a nice juxtaposition between Vincent's past torture of Nagi with Nagi's present torture of Vincent, that would be very compelling.
28RadioactiveI really like this story. Very moody and involving, kind of like a "Doubt" meets "Hard Candy", and I like how you're sort of playing with the reader's perceptions of morality. I'd like to read about the two characters' pasts, how Father Vincent met Nagi, how the abuse started, etc., maybe there could be a nice juxtaposition between Vincent's past torture of Nagi with Nagi's present torture of Vincent, that would be very compelling.
4/3/2009 c2 8Lea Ai
CHARACTERS - You have done a good job of creating a sympathetic character in Nagi. I don't really know what to call him because he is kind of a villain and yet he is also the "good guy". He is very believable as a person who has gone over the edge through years of torment and has begun to take on the bad traits of his aggressor. I enjoyed this section: "He was human. Not the devil-child Father Vincent had called him. He would show mercy, right? He couldn’t be like this unholy being." It showed his inner conflict and gave great depth to the character.
WRITING - I think the chapter overall was a bit short. You could easily have combined chapters 1 and 2 and they would have fit well together. However, the words flowed smoothly. You did not bog us down with unnecessary descriptions.
I was torn about this sentence: "The young albino quickly pulled the bag out from the hiding place, pulling out a long piece of fabric." Part of me thinks its great how you put a clear description of Nagi here without "over" describing him. But another part of me found it confusing-I caught myself wondering if he had an accomplice hiding with him in the woods. If you reordered the words it might flow easier: "He pulled the bag out from the hiding place; the long piece of white fabric he removed matching his albino skin perfectly." Regardless if you change the sentence or not, I recommend changing "pulling out" to removing to avoid word redundancy (pulled, pulling).
PACE - I felt you got to the end of the chapter too quickly. The first four paragraphs went smoothly, then you got to "It took time." This sentence didn't make sense. What took time? Was it trying to get him down the hallway or trying to get him to the woods. Since it took time, I feel this would have been a good place to add in some action sequence-you say that "most people were asleep", but maybe there was a night janitor or someone going to the kitchen that Nagi needed to dodge. It just seems if he was dragging someone out to the woods and it took 30 minutes, he would have made some noise or ran into someone or something. Maybe if the first two chapters were combined, this might be unnecessary, but this chapter is so short it just needs something else.
ENDING - The ending was well thought out. I enjoyed the cliff hanger. What is he going to do to him? It definitely left your reader with a need to find out. The "lesson" and "returning the favor" left my mind spinning as to what evil he had planned to repay Vincent.
Overall, enjoyable reading...I just wish it were longer!
8Lea AiCHARACTERS - You have done a good job of creating a sympathetic character in Nagi. I don't really know what to call him because he is kind of a villain and yet he is also the "good guy". He is very believable as a person who has gone over the edge through years of torment and has begun to take on the bad traits of his aggressor. I enjoyed this section: "He was human. Not the devil-child Father Vincent had called him. He would show mercy, right? He couldn’t be like this unholy being." It showed his inner conflict and gave great depth to the character.
WRITING - I think the chapter overall was a bit short. You could easily have combined chapters 1 and 2 and they would have fit well together. However, the words flowed smoothly. You did not bog us down with unnecessary descriptions.
I was torn about this sentence: "The young albino quickly pulled the bag out from the hiding place, pulling out a long piece of fabric." Part of me thinks its great how you put a clear description of Nagi here without "over" describing him. But another part of me found it confusing-I caught myself wondering if he had an accomplice hiding with him in the woods. If you reordered the words it might flow easier: "He pulled the bag out from the hiding place; the long piece of white fabric he removed matching his albino skin perfectly." Regardless if you change the sentence or not, I recommend changing "pulling out" to removing to avoid word redundancy (pulled, pulling).
PACE - I felt you got to the end of the chapter too quickly. The first four paragraphs went smoothly, then you got to "It took time." This sentence didn't make sense. What took time? Was it trying to get him down the hallway or trying to get him to the woods. Since it took time, I feel this would have been a good place to add in some action sequence-you say that "most people were asleep", but maybe there was a night janitor or someone going to the kitchen that Nagi needed to dodge. It just seems if he was dragging someone out to the woods and it took 30 minutes, he would have made some noise or ran into someone or something. Maybe if the first two chapters were combined, this might be unnecessary, but this chapter is so short it just needs something else.
ENDING - The ending was well thought out. I enjoyed the cliff hanger. What is he going to do to him? It definitely left your reader with a need to find out. The "lesson" and "returning the favor" left my mind spinning as to what evil he had planned to repay Vincent.
Overall, enjoyable reading...I just wish it were longer!
3/30/2009 c1 9Dot Cubed
Initially, when I saw how short the first chapter was, I was very skeptical about this story, but now that I've read it I'm pleasantly impressed. Although the subject line is not really one I would read willingly, I feel like you've captured the situation quite realistically.
For some reason, I absolutely love your opening line. It just grabbed me right from the start.
I also loved the way you depicted the emotions of Nagi; they were very realistic and really put me in his mindset. The poor guy!
I also loved your descriptions, too. I felt like I could see the scene in my mind, no matter how gruesome it was. Excellent start, and I can't wait to see where this goes!
9Dot CubedInitially, when I saw how short the first chapter was, I was very skeptical about this story, but now that I've read it I'm pleasantly impressed. Although the subject line is not really one I would read willingly, I feel like you've captured the situation quite realistically.
For some reason, I absolutely love your opening line. It just grabbed me right from the start.
I also loved the way you depicted the emotions of Nagi; they were very realistic and really put me in his mindset. The poor guy!
I also loved your descriptions, too. I felt like I could see the scene in my mind, no matter how gruesome it was. Excellent start, and I can't wait to see where this goes!
3/28/2009 c2 109ADSpencer
This only occurred to me after I'd read all the chapters you have so far, so I had to backtrack to leave another review. Anyhow, I was thinking about the story and the atmosphere of the story when I looked up at the title and thought 'well, that doesn't give it justice'. I'd try thinking of another title for this one, something that hints at the religious content or the context of the story. Something along the lines of Devil child, monster, something like that you know. Did that make sense? Sorry, I'm a bit of a rambler.
109ADSpencerThis only occurred to me after I'd read all the chapters you have so far, so I had to backtrack to leave another review. Anyhow, I was thinking about the story and the atmosphere of the story when I looked up at the title and thought 'well, that doesn't give it justice'. I'd try thinking of another title for this one, something that hints at the religious content or the context of the story. Something along the lines of Devil child, monster, something like that you know. Did that make sense? Sorry, I'm a bit of a rambler.
3/28/2009 c4 ADSpencer
Oh dear. It sounds as if Vincent might rather die than have Nagi take his vengeance out on him. Nicely done. Interesting exploration of Nagi's psyche. It would be nice to hear about Nagi's relationships with others, if he doesn't want a particular person to know of his monsterous behavior (or of what Vincent did to him). That sort of thing.
Good work so far.
Oh dear. It sounds as if Vincent might rather die than have Nagi take his vengeance out on him. Nicely done. Interesting exploration of Nagi's psyche. It would be nice to hear about Nagi's relationships with others, if he doesn't want a particular person to know of his monsterous behavior (or of what Vincent did to him). That sort of thing.
Good work so far.
3/28/2009 c1 ADSpencer
You've introduced a very startling character in a short amount of time. One can learn a lot about a person by how they justify their actions, and it was interesting the hear what Nagi thought of God's...testing. Nicely done. And there's a stark spark of truth behind the madness. After all, evil from evil, as the saying goes. Very interesting work :)
You've introduced a very startling character in a short amount of time. One can learn a lot about a person by how they justify their actions, and it was interesting the hear what Nagi thought of God's...testing. Nicely done. And there's a stark spark of truth behind the madness. After all, evil from evil, as the saying goes. Very interesting work :)
3/27/2009 c1 6Kalista Jia
ah Interesting characters. It makes me think of my own story (A Tale of Woe) *smile*
Go kick Vincent! he is a perv! (well so are my characters, anyway!) Lol Nagi... you just called him "Boy"? that is just evilly adorable (can we even say that? Never mind)
Poor Vincent, he must be terrified. Nagi, you evil naughty kid.
Nice dark start!
OH! Welcome to Fictionpress. Cute avatar..._ by the way.
6Kalista Jiaah Interesting characters. It makes me think of my own story (A Tale of Woe) *smile*
Go kick Vincent! he is a perv! (well so are my characters, anyway!) Lol Nagi... you just called him "Boy"? that is just evilly adorable (can we even say that? Never mind)
Poor Vincent, he must be terrified. Nagi, you evil naughty kid.
Nice dark start!
OH! Welcome to Fictionpress. Cute avatar..._ by the way.
3/27/2009 c3 1Scarlet Moose
I have to say, I read this, and I really liked it. It was so well written and captivating, I got mad at the site when some sections of the site went down with only the two chapters left =p.
Nagi was a lovely character, I couldn't help but feel all sorts of pity for the boy, no matter how malicious he got. At the end, when you wrote he took out his sewing kit, and implied he'd sew Vincent's mouth shut, I literally gasped.
Like 'Kneecap' said in a comment before me, Vincent could have had a couple redeeming features, that made you feel pity, that you didn't want to feel.
Awesome job! I'll be looking forward to future stories =3
1Scarlet MooseI have to say, I read this, and I really liked it. It was so well written and captivating, I got mad at the site when some sections of the site went down with only the two chapters left =p.
Nagi was a lovely character, I couldn't help but feel all sorts of pity for the boy, no matter how malicious he got. At the end, when you wrote he took out his sewing kit, and implied he'd sew Vincent's mouth shut, I literally gasped.
Like 'Kneecap' said in a comment before me, Vincent could have had a couple redeeming features, that made you feel pity, that you didn't want to feel.
Awesome job! I'll be looking forward to future stories =3
3/26/2009 c4 1Kneecap
Well, I've just read all the way through this, and I must say, your writing style is really quite fluid. Nicely done. This is also pretty...grim, as these things come and go o_O.
If I have some problems, these were them: the dialogue was a little sketchy. Sometimes some of the things that were said didn't quite fit into the situation. Like, when Vincent said "“Listen…if you let me go, I’ll forget this ever happened…and, and…and I’ll leave! How’s that? I’ll leave this church and it’ll be like this stuff never happened at all!”" It just didn't sound desperate enough. And some of the things Nagi said were a little too poetic to ever really be the kind of things young boys say in casual conversation.
And also: the characterisation of Vincent was a bit vague as well. I have no problems with Nagi's character: he was well and truly developed :D. But Vincent was consistently shown as the bad guy, and had no redeeming features at all. If you wanted to make your story just a little bit more poignant, you could try to give Vincent a few good things about him that make the reader feel a bit of pity for the character, even if he doesn't deserve it. It makes it more powerful, and brings up big moral questions.
But overall, that was really quite excellently written :). Nicely done. I'm not sure if this is finished or not, (it seemed as if it should be: that was a fitting ambiguous note to end on, as I'm assuming Nagi's going to show his lips together), but if it isn't, do PM me to let me know!
1KneecapWell, I've just read all the way through this, and I must say, your writing style is really quite fluid. Nicely done. This is also pretty...grim, as these things come and go o_O.
If I have some problems, these were them: the dialogue was a little sketchy. Sometimes some of the things that were said didn't quite fit into the situation. Like, when Vincent said "“Listen…if you let me go, I’ll forget this ever happened…and, and…and I’ll leave! How’s that? I’ll leave this church and it’ll be like this stuff never happened at all!”" It just didn't sound desperate enough. And some of the things Nagi said were a little too poetic to ever really be the kind of things young boys say in casual conversation.
And also: the characterisation of Vincent was a bit vague as well. I have no problems with Nagi's character: he was well and truly developed :D. But Vincent was consistently shown as the bad guy, and had no redeeming features at all. If you wanted to make your story just a little bit more poignant, you could try to give Vincent a few good things about him that make the reader feel a bit of pity for the character, even if he doesn't deserve it. It makes it more powerful, and brings up big moral questions.
But overall, that was really quite excellently written :). Nicely done. I'm not sure if this is finished or not, (it seemed as if it should be: that was a fitting ambiguous note to end on, as I'm assuming Nagi's going to show his lips together), but if it isn't, do PM me to let me know!
3/26/2009 c4 12Demented Hellion
One thing that I liked about this story was the description, I could really see the characters in the movie and their actions as if it was a movie. The story was really good because of that. Another thing that I really liked about it was the fact that you informed the reader of what had happened to Nagi without going into gory detail. By doing that, you didn't turn the reader away with scenes they may or may not be able to handle. Overall, nice job it was very well written.
~DH~
12Demented HellionOne thing that I liked about this story was the description, I could really see the characters in the movie and their actions as if it was a movie. The story was really good because of that. Another thing that I really liked about it was the fact that you informed the reader of what had happened to Nagi without going into gory detail. By doing that, you didn't turn the reader away with scenes they may or may not be able to handle. Overall, nice job it was very well written.
~DH~