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for The Book of the Moon

3/31/2009 c1 6Runningflame
I was wondering when you would post your NaNo story. ^_^

First off, the title is a really good title. I can't tell yet, of course, whether it fits the story or not, but it really drew me in. It sounds mysterious and a bit thoughtful.

I don't think one chapter is enough to evaluate the strength of the concept, plot, or characters, but I will say you did a good job of introducing the concept through action rather than exposition. I particularly liked the unexpected appearance of Serre's wings. Several of the names sounded familiar, but I've been guilty of reusing names too, so I guess I can't complain.

I caught one typo: In part I, Sayurr's father says, "Maybe you should say." But that's all. You've gotten much better at editing before you post! :^D I had trouble finding any wording to critique either, but I do think a slight refinement could be made to the paragraph in part I where you're describing the caves in the hillside. The way you've done it is to talk about how they ARE, but you don't say anything about how they LOOK. The more imagery you can inspire, the better. What color is the cliff? What color are the fur entrance curtains? Is there a contrast there, or do they blend in? Are all the caves spread along the foot of the cliff, or are some of them (inhabited or uninhabited) farther up? A lot of writing, in my experience, involves asking yourself a bunch of questions like this. You don't have to answer everything, of course, but I'm assuming this setting is going to be rather important, so you may want to describe it a bit more.

I've said this before on other stories, but keep going on this one! X^D


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