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10/4/2009 c3 Khazkhaz
this is a funny chapter you should totally continue
8/25/2009 c2 2Apoptosis
Hm... quite a bit of dialogue, but most of it is sufficiently funny and clever. Does seem rather fast-paced, maybe slow the action down a tad? Also, this has inspired me to ensure that, if I ever have a daughter, she will not be permitted to hitchhike with possible pedophiles. I'm sorry, but that's definitely where I'll draw the line. Keep writing.
7/21/2009 c2 Ivix
enjoying so far =)
7/21/2009 c2 Reader
Lol. Great chapter.

Even though there were dramatic parts, where she was encountering danger, you still made it funny. I love that. Wonderful job.

I'll be back for more, so please update! ;p
7/21/2009 c2 abcdefgh
Your characters are very interesting. Your protagonist is hilarious. A cheese grater? LOL!

If you're having difficulty writing the story, you should sit down and write an outline of the entire plot, then write out drafts of the chapters ahead of time. Edit them and follow the outline while making any necessary changes. Planning and knowing what's going to happen next and how the ending will turn out is key to writing a good story. Lack of planning or outlining will just lead to more writer's block and make you more inclined to quit. Keep writing.
7/21/2009 c2 1CranberryL2
funny.
7/21/2009 c2 25KelaBelle
Brillaint! good chapter. x
4/1/2009 c1 13Marie St. John
I like the humorous, and sarcastic expressions of your characters. It makes for an enjoyable read. I think you might want to slow down the pace a little bit and provide some more background information though, like where they live that has such disagreeable weather. Otherwise, your characters are easy to picture. I do like your original meet-que of Teya and the guy - outside of the mensroom is definitely a new one! Keep up the good work.
4/1/2009 c1 Isca
"“Get your arse down here now.” Ava said from the other line." LOL! I loved this line-it was so comedic! :)

"He scoffed. “Of course I am.” Ah! How self-absorbed is THAT! :P But, it's realistic of some superficial people, so hey, kudos for creating a realistic teenage boy.

The ending! Hitchhiking! Oh no no no! From a parental POV, that just can't be good :P. But, it's a good cliffy :)
3/31/2009 c1 4B. J. Winters
I enjoyed your dialogue. It sounded like two teenage girls and there were touches of humor. In contrast, I think I would have the boy talk less. Save some of the facts for later (random coincidence that he's in the same grade, etc). I would have liked more body language and description here, rather than dialogue. The gas station is an odd place to meet so I'd keep the encounter more chance than foundational.

Loved this line: He turned away from me again and briskly walked out of the gas station to where it looked like his dad waited by his car. He wasn’t so great. He still needed a parent in the car with him to drive. I wasn’t impressed.

Two other things leapt out at me. She can't see without her glasses, but seems to be able to function just fine until she gets to school. Maybe you should say something like she was wearing contact lenses before (and had to take them out with the lotion). I wear glasses, and trust me I don't forget them.

Second, it takes 12 minutes to walk home - but 15 minutes to drive...that threw me. Selfconscious teen would change her clothes too (and she didn't that surprised me). I would have liked to stay at the school awhile longer. Not sure of the scene change purpose, and the chapter ending doesn't quite feel like a ending it just sort of stops. The hitchhiking thing - where was Mom...

Hope to see more from you. I think the main character has potential.
3/30/2009 c1 Reader
This story is very interesting so far and has great potential to turn into an amazing story. Keep up the good work. Youshould have several reviews for this chapter and the ones to come. I think you need an even catchier summary for this good story though. Ouerall, I enjoyed it. =D
3/30/2009 c1 Anon
This chapter was very captivating! I can't wait to read more. This sounds like a very humorous..and interesting read. ^-^
3/30/2009 c1 8jmc13t
This is really good, really kept me interested throughout the whole chapter! :)
3/30/2009 c1 12SuzannaR
Review Game

Hmnn interesting first chapter. I don't usually like reading about high school romances but I found this chapter funny so I didn't mind reading the whole thing.

First thing I noticed is your dialogue. You seem to have rather a lot of it! It's hard to read blocks and blocks of dialogue.

Grammar:

arse is british? lol I thought it was American country!

" faucet water"- I know what you meant but it sounds so ackward to say it like that. Why would you not say tap water?

"Ava! Stop the car it burns!” - you should have a comma or stop after stop the car.

"but I just got hit dead on"-surely you meant head on?

"he was just posed to have one on"- supposed?



In addition, I would have closed with "This was quickly turning into the worst first day of school in my life." rather than the sentence after it.

Also I noticed that your summary pretty much tells the whole story already. It wasn't going to be a cliched love story, he was going to fall for her friend (probablt Teya?). If I were you I'd make the summary more mysterious, don't give away the whole story in it. Why would people want to read it then?

It was funny though,

s

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