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for Hell and Back

4/16/2009 c1 11Renee Patterson
I loved the beginning of the story and the man who helped her really intrigued me.

But there's just one thing that i would like to point out - i don't mean to be mean/harsh or anything - but the punctuation is a little...i'm not sure how to put it but maybe replacing some of the comas with full stops might help.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the chapters and hope that you update soon.
4/6/2009 c3 9Alteng
I still find this story fascinating in its concept, but you do raise more questions than you answer.

Was she raised from Hell by a wizard . . . the 'they' the man refers to? I would think that she would have a definate opinion of that one. If she clawed her wayout of Hell herself, given her personality, I think she would brag it.

She is a hard character to like, but I can deal with that bit.

The swearing from the man seemed to be out of character for him. I do believe he would swear but in different words. Maybe less severe curses.

Your grammar seems to be still way off, and it is a bit of a headache to deal with. This is partially my problem, because I tend to pick up writing styles in my own work. This irratates me to no end, mind you.

Two essential things that I see you do is that you don't use the word 'you're', which means 'you are'. You constantly use 'your', which is the possessive of you only.

You need to use the word 'too' as well. 'Too' means either also or an over abundance of something.
4/5/2009 c3 luv me like no other
I really like your writing, but I kinda wanna see it move a little faster. Each chapter gives just a tiny little glimpse of the details behind the story. Not complaining though, cause I am mad interested in where you will be going with this...
4/5/2009 c2 Alteng
The eating scene was nice. You did a good job of the descripiton of her eating and the enjoyment of it.

The bit you have about her being washed was a bit hard to understand due to typos. I never did figure out one of the lines. (I have drafts in handwriting that I wrote some time ago that I still don't know what the line is.)

Rene is not really a nice person, and I wonder as to her return to the living. Was this of her own volhilition or did the man help her out of Hell? If he is the summoner/necromancer, he does make for a different kind of character of that nature.
4/5/2009 c1 Alteng
This is an intereseting start to a story. It makes me womder about both characters and their situations and relations to each other.

There does seem to be a bit of repetition at the beginning about the cold and wet. The repeating of the pain might be good if it is something that phases the character, despite her words.
4/5/2009 c2 Illumined
This kinda reminds me of how Kresley Cole’s first chapter (prologue) of the first book from ‘The Immortals After Dark’ series. Considering the fact that I’m not really a fan of that genre, I think it was exceptionally written. It’s actually become one of my favourite book beginnings.

So my authomatic reaction was to compare this story with that book. In light of that, I think you wrote this quite well. I’m really interested in how this ends up.

There were a few areas of improvements that I’d like to mention too. Could you proofread before you post a chapter? I know authors get pissed when reviewers point out grammatical errors, but spelling mistakes just happen to be one of my pet peeves I can’t overlook. Reflect badly upon the author.

There are a few questions that have arisen that I’m sure will be answered in the future (e.g., who is the human? Why did he help? How did ‘she’ escape/leave? Was it really hell she was in?)

I wish you had another title for the story. This one seems to be a bit...umm...unoriginal perhaps? That’s completely up to you though, it’s a very minor thing that can’t even be considered a weakness.



I hope I didn’t come off as harsh.

I meant well. I do hope to see you improve since your chapters so far has left me very interested and wanting to read the rest.

Cheers,

Winged Unicorn
4/3/2009 c2 luv me like no other
This only gets more and more interesting, however, I noticed a few typos.
4/2/2009 c1 luv me like no other
very very interesting. caught my attention immediately!

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