for Two's a Pair and Deuces are Wild9/18/2009 c11 
10MikiSweety
[Writing] A few things with the writing strikes me as odd, such as the point-of-view you’re taking. Your narrator is not quite omniscient but does not quite align himself behind any particular character either… It does not pull you into the story, which is essential for any fantasy. Like your opening with the sun, and the girl who drops the water jar, was it? It breaks the flow. My advice: get to the action. And that reminds me…. Your action sequences are more telling than showing. The sentences aren’t snappy enough. Tighten it up.
“She looked pissed, but also smiling at the same time.”
I’m sure there’s a better sentence here. By using “pissed” (slang) in such a story, it doesn’t quite work. Also, sticking “also smiling at the same time” is likewise to casual and… amateur? Be exact and brisk with your description. Show. Maybe, “a small amused smile was at the corner of her lips,” or, “Though she smiled an amused smile, a dangerous glint shined at the corners of her eyes.”
Likewise, “The whole earth beneath her felt as if it was convulsing like mad” shortened to. “The earth beneath her convulsed.” Short, snappy. Convulse is already a strong enough word. You do not need “like mad”, too conversational.
I would also like to note not to overdo your vocabulary. Nigrescent? Aureate?
[Grammar] Your syntax is off. The formation of some senses and the usages of some words struck me as strange. Perhaps it contributes to the story not having a strong sense of narration, so it becomes very confusing for the reader. For example:
“stared defiance back at the young woman.”
Stared in defiance?
“she would have never taken the leniency to give her enemies a break”
You’re using leniency wrong. “She would’ve never been so lenient as to give her enemies a break in the midst of battle,” perhaps, or “She would’ve never shown leniency by giving her enemies a break.”
“Trying hard to suppress her anger, Chloe sighed exasperatedly again.”
Exasperatedly and trying hard to suppress her anger means the same thing. In a way, this is what I find odd. There are simple mistakes in your story, directly parallel to the SAT words you use. There’s an odd disconnect.
“Chloe felt it in her core – a raw stench of fear.”
Stench is smell. You used the word “felt”, so put an adjective corresponding to that verb.
[Characters] I have a feeling I not suppose to find Hekate appealing, but I do. She has a “damn it all, I do what I do and take the consequences as they come,” attitude which I really like. Whereas Chloe seems much too weak to be carrying those weapons around, too naïve to be on such a journey. Perhaps it IS good Hekate is with her. Then again, Hekate kills to easily, so that it’s disturbing in a way (even though I do like her). Perhaps an enchantress’ view of commoners / normal humans are distorted… or is that just Hekate?
[Other] This is the first chapter that I have read of this story, and I have to say though the beginning had quite a lot of rough patches, you redeemed it by the end. Your strength lies in simplistic description and vivid dialogue… plus you earn a whole punch of brownie points for Hekate. Work on your descriptions and action sequences. The ending is nice. I know about nothing of the main plot, but what I see of this chapter is that it moves forward the story considerably, even if I still feel your world is too disjointed (partly modern – through the slang? – and partly “olden”). I enjoyed most when you stuck to the ridiculous, odd-ball storyline whose appeal can be seen in Hekate, instead of the beginning’s solemnity. Odd-ball does not necessarily mean throw-away, after all. In any case, good luck.
10MikiSweety[Writing] A few things with the writing strikes me as odd, such as the point-of-view you’re taking. Your narrator is not quite omniscient but does not quite align himself behind any particular character either… It does not pull you into the story, which is essential for any fantasy. Like your opening with the sun, and the girl who drops the water jar, was it? It breaks the flow. My advice: get to the action. And that reminds me…. Your action sequences are more telling than showing. The sentences aren’t snappy enough. Tighten it up.
“She looked pissed, but also smiling at the same time.”
I’m sure there’s a better sentence here. By using “pissed” (slang) in such a story, it doesn’t quite work. Also, sticking “also smiling at the same time” is likewise to casual and… amateur? Be exact and brisk with your description. Show. Maybe, “a small amused smile was at the corner of her lips,” or, “Though she smiled an amused smile, a dangerous glint shined at the corners of her eyes.”
Likewise, “The whole earth beneath her felt as if it was convulsing like mad” shortened to. “The earth beneath her convulsed.” Short, snappy. Convulse is already a strong enough word. You do not need “like mad”, too conversational.
I would also like to note not to overdo your vocabulary. Nigrescent? Aureate?
[Grammar] Your syntax is off. The formation of some senses and the usages of some words struck me as strange. Perhaps it contributes to the story not having a strong sense of narration, so it becomes very confusing for the reader. For example:
“stared defiance back at the young woman.”
Stared in defiance?
“she would have never taken the leniency to give her enemies a break”
You’re using leniency wrong. “She would’ve never been so lenient as to give her enemies a break in the midst of battle,” perhaps, or “She would’ve never shown leniency by giving her enemies a break.”
“Trying hard to suppress her anger, Chloe sighed exasperatedly again.”
Exasperatedly and trying hard to suppress her anger means the same thing. In a way, this is what I find odd. There are simple mistakes in your story, directly parallel to the SAT words you use. There’s an odd disconnect.
“Chloe felt it in her core – a raw stench of fear.”
Stench is smell. You used the word “felt”, so put an adjective corresponding to that verb.
[Characters] I have a feeling I not suppose to find Hekate appealing, but I do. She has a “damn it all, I do what I do and take the consequences as they come,” attitude which I really like. Whereas Chloe seems much too weak to be carrying those weapons around, too naïve to be on such a journey. Perhaps it IS good Hekate is with her. Then again, Hekate kills to easily, so that it’s disturbing in a way (even though I do like her). Perhaps an enchantress’ view of commoners / normal humans are distorted… or is that just Hekate?
[Other] This is the first chapter that I have read of this story, and I have to say though the beginning had quite a lot of rough patches, you redeemed it by the end. Your strength lies in simplistic description and vivid dialogue… plus you earn a whole punch of brownie points for Hekate. Work on your descriptions and action sequences. The ending is nice. I know about nothing of the main plot, but what I see of this chapter is that it moves forward the story considerably, even if I still feel your world is too disjointed (partly modern – through the slang? – and partly “olden”). I enjoyed most when you stuck to the ridiculous, odd-ball storyline whose appeal can be seen in Hekate, instead of the beginning’s solemnity. Odd-ball does not necessarily mean throw-away, after all. In any case, good luck.
9/15/2009 c11 1Crimson Dizzy
I like your descriptive style. It's pretty, without being too purple prose-ish, andn ot overly wordy. The dialogue was good for the most of it, although in some places it seemed a small bit stiff.
I found one grammar mistake. "she should be glad that Hekate had ate them all and not her". i think "Ate" should be "Eaten".
My only problem with what I've read (admittidly it is only one chapter, so I could be wrong) is the character Chloe. I've seen the extremly skilled warrior girl in a lot of writing, so be careful that she doesn't start to border the Mary-Sue line. Maybe you did this in a previous chapter, put perhaps make her negative charictaristics clearer to the reader. It's hard to relate to perfection.
Keep writing!
1Crimson DizzyI like your descriptive style. It's pretty, without being too purple prose-ish, andn ot overly wordy. The dialogue was good for the most of it, although in some places it seemed a small bit stiff.
I found one grammar mistake. "she should be glad that Hekate had ate them all and not her". i think "Ate" should be "Eaten".
My only problem with what I've read (admittidly it is only one chapter, so I could be wrong) is the character Chloe. I've seen the extremly skilled warrior girl in a lot of writing, so be careful that she doesn't start to border the Mary-Sue line. Maybe you did this in a previous chapter, put perhaps make her negative charictaristics clearer to the reader. It's hard to relate to perfection.
Keep writing!
9/12/2009 c12 3Wind's Fury
Alright so a review...
First off, I really liked the descriptions in this chapter, it looks like you put a lot of effort into making them stand out, it worked. They really seem rich, I can picture the scenes.
But, some of your grammar is off by a little bit, and that's probably the only thing wrong with the story...
"The man shrugged helpless, while maintaining posture and poised ready." That quote just has wrong grammar, I couldn't really tell you how to fix that one. "However, because it was only her second time," here it seems like you just cut off in the middle of sentence, maybe the person talking interrupted her thoughts? "Wincing, she shut her ears with both hands," Here I think plugged, not shut, would be a better description.
Over all, it was really good! Bravo!
3Wind's FuryAlright so a review...
First off, I really liked the descriptions in this chapter, it looks like you put a lot of effort into making them stand out, it worked. They really seem rich, I can picture the scenes.
But, some of your grammar is off by a little bit, and that's probably the only thing wrong with the story...
"The man shrugged helpless, while maintaining posture and poised ready." That quote just has wrong grammar, I couldn't really tell you how to fix that one. "However, because it was only her second time," here it seems like you just cut off in the middle of sentence, maybe the person talking interrupted her thoughts? "Wincing, she shut her ears with both hands," Here I think plugged, not shut, would be a better description.
Over all, it was really good! Bravo!
8/3/2009 c1 Tawny Owl
I get what you mean in the first sentence but it’s a bit clunky. The image of the single greave stepping out of the shadows accompanied by the muttering is a really strong one, and kind of sinister. It also gives us a good idea of what sort of place we’re in and coupled with the copious amounts of blood and flashing lighting it makes for a really dramatic beginning.
Your description of the mess the warrior is in is good, but there are some really long sentences. The paragraph that begins ‘yes’ was really hard to get through and I think you’d make much more of an impact if you split it up, or shortened and focused on less things at once. And for a man on his last legs the general does a lot of talking. He has the makings of an interesting character seeing as there has been the victim of some political skulduggery and the efforts he went to to see his children. It will be interesting to see what role his sacrifice gets to play later on.
It was sad, and yet slightly creepy having the image of the bloody warrior telling them that daddy was home.
I get what you mean in the first sentence but it’s a bit clunky. The image of the single greave stepping out of the shadows accompanied by the muttering is a really strong one, and kind of sinister. It also gives us a good idea of what sort of place we’re in and coupled with the copious amounts of blood and flashing lighting it makes for a really dramatic beginning.
Your description of the mess the warrior is in is good, but there are some really long sentences. The paragraph that begins ‘yes’ was really hard to get through and I think you’d make much more of an impact if you split it up, or shortened and focused on less things at once. And for a man on his last legs the general does a lot of talking. He has the makings of an interesting character seeing as there has been the victim of some political skulduggery and the efforts he went to to see his children. It will be interesting to see what role his sacrifice gets to play later on.
It was sad, and yet slightly creepy having the image of the bloody warrior telling them that daddy was home.
5/20/2009 c4 4Minoan Ferret
Good to see Serena's character coming on. She does come across as a bit too perfect princess-y, but the uncontrollable strength balances it out. I do feel sorry for her. But at least now it looks like she'll get some training in using it. That should be interesting! But I have to switch to her sister for the next chapter.
The end was a bit morbid and creepy! I wonder what it means? Whatever it is, it can't be good...
Sorry for the short review!
4Minoan FerretGood to see Serena's character coming on. She does come across as a bit too perfect princess-y, but the uncontrollable strength balances it out. I do feel sorry for her. But at least now it looks like she'll get some training in using it. That should be interesting! But I have to switch to her sister for the next chapter.
The end was a bit morbid and creepy! I wonder what it means? Whatever it is, it can't be good...
Sorry for the short review!
5/17/2009 c10 Night Innocence
Great story!
The best thing about it would be the action. It's very intense and well described and the imagery is just overwhelming. I can't wait for the battle between Hekate and Chloe! :)
By the way, Chloe is definitly my favorite character.
Great story!
The best thing about it would be the action. It's very intense and well described and the imagery is just overwhelming. I can't wait for the battle between Hekate and Chloe! :)
By the way, Chloe is definitly my favorite character.
5/15/2009 c4 15Greenery
Imbued is such a cool word. I love that you used in the second paragraph. Really random, I know, but I felt compelled to mentioned it. *Imbued.* It does not get any cooler.
Your opening (first paragraph) is a little cliché. It's nice imagery, but a little overdone. It doesn't really speak of anything original to come.
"'Why is that, Emma?' She suddenly asked," — here, the S in "she" shouldn't be capitalized. It's a speech tag.
You overuse Serena's name. It's a little distracting. Since she's the only one you're talking about in this scene, it'd be perfectly fine to just use "she."
"When she was twelve, Serena defeated the junior academy’s biggest bullies; and their parents too. It was an accident though." Cute and amusing line. I like that you don't elaborate. It keeps it light and funny.
"'Come in, princess.' Her father called out to her using her nickname." — should be "'Come in, princess,” her father called out to her using her nickname." Again, it's the speech tag thing. Anywhere you use "he said, she said, called, answered, replied, variant" you're gonna want to use a format like this.
Over all, not a bad read. The writing's pretty good. I like the storyline, so good work.
15GreeneryImbued is such a cool word. I love that you used in the second paragraph. Really random, I know, but I felt compelled to mentioned it. *Imbued.* It does not get any cooler.
Your opening (first paragraph) is a little cliché. It's nice imagery, but a little overdone. It doesn't really speak of anything original to come.
"'Why is that, Emma?' She suddenly asked," — here, the S in "she" shouldn't be capitalized. It's a speech tag.
You overuse Serena's name. It's a little distracting. Since she's the only one you're talking about in this scene, it'd be perfectly fine to just use "she."
"When she was twelve, Serena defeated the junior academy’s biggest bullies; and their parents too. It was an accident though." Cute and amusing line. I like that you don't elaborate. It keeps it light and funny.
"'Come in, princess.' Her father called out to her using her nickname." — should be "'Come in, princess,” her father called out to her using her nickname." Again, it's the speech tag thing. Anywhere you use "he said, she said, called, answered, replied, variant" you're gonna want to use a format like this.
Over all, not a bad read. The writing's pretty good. I like the storyline, so good work.
5/12/2009 c3 4Minoan Ferret
Good to see Serena now! She's got a very interesting appearance. I like her as a character; she's nice enough but her power's beyond her control. Quite a problem, especially with the arranged marriages. I really feel sorry for her. Empathy is something that doesn't seem to come across too often in FP stories.
A few minor grammar errors, but again nothing too major. I just notice them easily.
Good job!
4Minoan FerretGood to see Serena now! She's got a very interesting appearance. I like her as a character; she's nice enough but her power's beyond her control. Quite a problem, especially with the arranged marriages. I really feel sorry for her. Empathy is something that doesn't seem to come across too often in FP stories.
A few minor grammar errors, but again nothing too major. I just notice them easily.
Good job!
5/11/2009 c2 8Written
this is for the review game.
I think that if you're worried about overuse of the word "golden", you could skip it altogether, because the repetition IS a little annoying. I think that words like "tawny" could be used instead, but that's just my opinion.
I liked how the action scene flowed; it shows us that chloe is a capable character, which is good!
I didn't like the "majestic cat" line, because it sounded melodramatic.
I was also amused that the academy was called "eagle scouts" because it reminds me of my brother's boyscouts group... haha. I guess it is sort of similar to that, however.
that's all for now! good work. I thought it was a good beginning, though I did skip the prologue.
8Writtenthis is for the review game.
I think that if you're worried about overuse of the word "golden", you could skip it altogether, because the repetition IS a little annoying. I think that words like "tawny" could be used instead, but that's just my opinion.
I liked how the action scene flowed; it shows us that chloe is a capable character, which is good!
I didn't like the "majestic cat" line, because it sounded melodramatic.
I was also amused that the academy was called "eagle scouts" because it reminds me of my brother's boyscouts group... haha. I guess it is sort of similar to that, however.
that's all for now! good work. I thought it was a good beginning, though I did skip the prologue.
5/9/2009 c10 4lookingwest
First of all, I want to tell you a secret I found out! You need to take the time to go to The Review Game on the Forums, the website is:
/forum/The_Review_Game/1867/
If you review someone, they'll review you basically, and you can get a TON of feedback, I just joined about two weeks ago and I have about 32 reviews for a seven chapter story so far. Seriously, this is good writing and I recommend that you take the time to contribute and join the game! Then it will get read! Just make sure you read some of the directions!
Now to the story!
Oh good so far! I like the descriptions of Macbeth ect. As always, you seem to have a good idea of your setting. Ek! Chloe in trouble?
*Edit* You can just say, "Hi nice to meet you," (High means...to be high as in direction)
I really liked this chapter a lot, it was longer than others it seemed too and the ending was cool with the addition of Hekate. Dead spirits huh? I look forward to the next chapter, and I hope dearly that you can find some more feedback!
4lookingwestFirst of all, I want to tell you a secret I found out! You need to take the time to go to The Review Game on the Forums, the website is:
/forum/The_Review_Game/1867/
If you review someone, they'll review you basically, and you can get a TON of feedback, I just joined about two weeks ago and I have about 32 reviews for a seven chapter story so far. Seriously, this is good writing and I recommend that you take the time to contribute and join the game! Then it will get read! Just make sure you read some of the directions!
Now to the story!
Oh good so far! I like the descriptions of Macbeth ect. As always, you seem to have a good idea of your setting. Ek! Chloe in trouble?
*Edit* You can just say, "Hi nice to meet you," (High means...to be high as in direction)
I really liked this chapter a lot, it was longer than others it seemed too and the ending was cool with the addition of Hekate. Dead spirits huh? I look forward to the next chapter, and I hope dearly that you can find some more feedback!
5/9/2009 c1 A.A
i loved it,wow. the beginning is great, and i loved the characters, and your bringing something that's never been used before, so its great.
i loved it,wow. the beginning is great, and i loved the characters, and your bringing something that's never been used before, so its great.
5/5/2009 c2 4Minoan Ferret
Another good chapter. I could say I'm hooked now. Chloe's an interesting character; smart, a good hunter, and with a mysterious power. I just hope she's not TOO perfect! The writing describing her hunting of the boar worked really well, flowing on and keeping me going ever forward. There's not a lot of action scenes that are written well and interesting on FP, so well done.
It was nice to learn more about one of the characters last seen as an infant and I look forward to seeing her sister next chapter.
There were a few grammar niggles, but nothing major. I can't complain when the rest is to a high standard.
So, an interesting second chapter and I hope to learn more of Chloe's power, and what exactly the catalyst is (is there a reason why it's underlined, out of curiosity?).
4Minoan FerretAnother good chapter. I could say I'm hooked now. Chloe's an interesting character; smart, a good hunter, and with a mysterious power. I just hope she's not TOO perfect! The writing describing her hunting of the boar worked really well, flowing on and keeping me going ever forward. There's not a lot of action scenes that are written well and interesting on FP, so well done.
It was nice to learn more about one of the characters last seen as an infant and I look forward to seeing her sister next chapter.
There were a few grammar niggles, but nothing major. I can't complain when the rest is to a high standard.
So, an interesting second chapter and I hope to learn more of Chloe's power, and what exactly the catalyst is (is there a reason why it's underlined, out of curiosity?).
5/5/2009 c1 Minoan Ferret
It took a while, but I'm returning the review you gave me ages ago. And I'll stick around and keep reading to boot!
First off, a good first chapter. The descriptions are great and vivid, and don't bog down in detail too much. I particularly liked the twins' descriptions; they really stood out.
And while heaps of stories start off with a character fleeing something and then dying, this was still a good start. It sets a foreboding feeling for the rest of the story, where I'll have to keep reading to see if I'm right.
English is your second language but I can't really find anything at fault, except one sentence somewhere that seemed to lack a main verb. I can't find it now, but don't worry! I'm not much of a writer so I can't complain.
So overall, an interesting start, nice description, and good premise. I'll be sure to keep reading.
It took a while, but I'm returning the review you gave me ages ago. And I'll stick around and keep reading to boot!
First off, a good first chapter. The descriptions are great and vivid, and don't bog down in detail too much. I particularly liked the twins' descriptions; they really stood out.
And while heaps of stories start off with a character fleeing something and then dying, this was still a good start. It sets a foreboding feeling for the rest of the story, where I'll have to keep reading to see if I'm right.
English is your second language but I can't really find anything at fault, except one sentence somewhere that seemed to lack a main verb. I can't find it now, but don't worry! I'm not much of a writer so I can't complain.
So overall, an interesting start, nice description, and good premise. I'll be sure to keep reading.
4/29/2009 c9 4lookingwest
as always, nice beginning, I could really capture the scene! I really am enjoying how Serena's character is developing, she really is starting to become not only strong physically but also mentally, or at least trying, which is always good. Haha, I love the "musicians" lines about fearing not for the heroes of justice have arrived, that's hilarious, what a justice league!
So I've noticed you also do a really good job with accents, you're able to keep them realistic and stable, and that takes talent too, I'm no good with accents, like talking slang ect...
O, a handsome man with a BIG sword, I just love handsome men with BIG swords (Ichigo from Bleach anyone?). Ecthel sounds really cool! (Really random) But I dyed my hair blue once and it kind of turned out a weird greenish color by mistake, but it was still cool, so that's what I've kind of got pictured here, haha. People kept asking me if there was copper in my tap water because I guess that turns your hair green, I dunno, it was weird, haha.
4lookingwestas always, nice beginning, I could really capture the scene! I really am enjoying how Serena's character is developing, she really is starting to become not only strong physically but also mentally, or at least trying, which is always good. Haha, I love the "musicians" lines about fearing not for the heroes of justice have arrived, that's hilarious, what a justice league!
So I've noticed you also do a really good job with accents, you're able to keep them realistic and stable, and that takes talent too, I'm no good with accents, like talking slang ect...
O, a handsome man with a BIG sword, I just love handsome men with BIG swords (Ichigo from Bleach anyone?). Ecthel sounds really cool! (Really random) But I dyed my hair blue once and it kind of turned out a weird greenish color by mistake, but it was still cool, so that's what I've kind of got pictured here, haha. People kept asking me if there was copper in my tap water because I guess that turns your hair green, I dunno, it was weird, haha.
4/25/2009 c8 lookingwest
Great beginning, you really get a sense of foreboding coming on about the scene. What fun new characters! I love Shin's guitar, bard's are always a great addition to any story, haha. Good luck with your midterms!
Great beginning, you really get a sense of foreboding coming on about the scene. What fun new characters! I love Shin's guitar, bard's are always a great addition to any story, haha. Good luck with your midterms!