for Dreams of Adrian Pacheco8/4/2009 c1 
4k.maag
Thank you for this story. What an interesting perspective on the hot Mexican guy. ;D
Now, I love the emotions and descriptions in this story. They make it seem more real.
My only suggestion would be exactly that-make it more real.
In a story like this where you have three characters, one of which has most of the attention, one of which has some of the attention, and one of which is merely described for the benefit of the reader, you need to focus on what the first character would really think about, rather than what the reader wants to hear from you. Margaret's voice in the first part of the story seems slightly insincere and frankly, psychotic for portions of it, just because her thoughts are entirely focused on describing Adrian, exact facts that are not relevant to her experiences, and the feelings that come from looking at him and marrying him rather than what most people would think about. Most people in a situation like that would probably focus on their selfish and lustful feelings, rather than their poetic nature. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't think Wordsworth when I think about my mom taking my man-I think "my mom is a %@*&(%#!"
Again, your writing is exceptional, but I suggest that you focus on motives that actually exist instead of beautifully written ones. The story behind this piece is ugly, and the writing should probably be as well.
Happy writing!
4k.maagThank you for this story. What an interesting perspective on the hot Mexican guy. ;D
Now, I love the emotions and descriptions in this story. They make it seem more real.
My only suggestion would be exactly that-make it more real.
In a story like this where you have three characters, one of which has most of the attention, one of which has some of the attention, and one of which is merely described for the benefit of the reader, you need to focus on what the first character would really think about, rather than what the reader wants to hear from you. Margaret's voice in the first part of the story seems slightly insincere and frankly, psychotic for portions of it, just because her thoughts are entirely focused on describing Adrian, exact facts that are not relevant to her experiences, and the feelings that come from looking at him and marrying him rather than what most people would think about. Most people in a situation like that would probably focus on their selfish and lustful feelings, rather than their poetic nature. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't think Wordsworth when I think about my mom taking my man-I think "my mom is a %@*&(%#!"
Again, your writing is exceptional, but I suggest that you focus on motives that actually exist instead of beautifully written ones. The story behind this piece is ugly, and the writing should probably be as well.
Happy writing!