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for Character Building

5/4/2010 c1 12lianoid
In the beginning this piece was a little confusing – due to the character description-names, but as the story progressed I really got into it. It sounds like an interesting group - of shall I say creatures - you have created. You have a shapeshifter, a couple of dead people, dogs, winged warriors; quite a varied mix. I really like this. Overall, your writing was excellent, and aside from my confusion in the beginning, the descriptions and dialogues were wonderful. Fantastic job.

4/9/2010 c1 6The Saturday Storytellers
It looks like, in the absence of names, you're using short descriptions ("Taller-dead-one", "scaredy-girl " etc.), but I wonder whether they should have capitals to denote their makeshift names.

I'm finding it difficult to get a handle on this story - neither the first sentence or the following paragraph really give me anything solid to hold on to. So I don't quite know what it is I'm reading... although I have a vague impression that this is some kind of prison scene?

What's the obsession with dogs, though?

It would help, too, to establish who Murray is, I think. Notably, he's the only one in the group who has a proper name, but that's not quite enough. Is he the gaolor?

"winged-warrior." Who/what is that? An eagle, perhaps?

"...her fingers plunging straight through Murray's pole-cat head. It was an irritating sensation." I'm afraid I've got no idea what to make of that particular fragment. What?

So... Murray's a ferret/pole-cat, is he? Okay. Is this something to do with refugees who've brought their pets with them?

A talking pole-cat?

"Murray didn't currently have any solid internal organs..." *sigh* this must be some kind of supernatural story. Otherwise I can't make much sense of this.

I think, if you're keen to keep this story up as a show-piece, that it needs more description, more placement. It's taken me most of the way through to get even a rough idea of what's going on. I'd liked to have known earlier so that I was less distracted by trying to make it all make sense.

Is 'dead-one' Murray's slang term for a human?

"Let's see how that lot liked meeting a tiger..." Ah, so ultimately he betrays those he was trying to protect? Why? Out of malice or because that'd somehow help?
3/22/2010 c1 1JaffaFoose

Actually, I’m kidding.

“Scaredy girl had begun to scratch at her collar bone in nerves”

Maybe it’s just me, but ‘in nerves’ seems like a pretty weak substitute for ‘nervously’. I’d change it, but your call.

“He signalled them, and the rest of his soldiers forward, as Murray sent the mental message "SHIT'S HIT THE FAN!" to scaredy-girl”

Missed the ending period.

Other than that, I have absolutely no complaints whatsoever. This is awesome. Would be even if the story started here – although, admittedly, that would be a bit more odd.

I love the way Murray doesn’t address anyone properly. Very nice touch to his character.

Very nice writing style altogether, and a very interesting story in development.

Just, very good!
1/28/2010 c1 Anise Cary
your summary totally caught my attention and I just had to read this, you have some amazing imagery in this piece: Half-dead-boy paced about the cellar with the frustrated anger of a caged animal, is so clear in my mind. I'm intrigued by your characters. I like the lack of names, it provides even more importance to Murray. Would be interested to know what the larger piece was that this came out of.
11/18/2009 c1 4lookingwest
Wow. Unique, wonderful! I loved this, it caught and held my attention and it was far from ordinary. I just like the style of your writing in this narrative, it's almost conversational and it flows right from the beginning, such as "White-eyed-dog and girl-dog (Murray was finally over calling her ‘bitch’) had spent the day racing around the group..."-just talented smoothness to me.
4/15/2009 c1 Chancee
Very interesting.

It took me a bit to realize that the MC was giving nicknames to others. I did not realize what was going on in the beginning, then I think I figured out they were in a cellar hiding? Well the detailing was good, but a little vague.

I liked the fact you kept us in the dark about Murray being a shapeshifter, but I was not too clear on the battle. Did they run pass Murray? Or where they about to when Murray turned and ran away? Slightly confused on that point.

Over all very clever indeed, and I hope you finish this.

Good luck with the contest.

4/13/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
General note: "If the quotation is embedded in the middle of a sentence, where the sentence begins with a speech tag and continues after the quotation, the last word before the quote is followed immediately by a comma, then a space, then the quotation mark, then the capital letter to begin the quote. The last word of the quote is followed immediately by a comma, then the quotation mark, then a space, then the sentence continues with a lower-case word (again, unless the word in question is a proper noun)."

[The smile stretch wider, showing off his sharpened teeth, “It’s really quite exhilarating.”]

Should be a period after teeth, as it's an action and not a tagline (variation of he/she/it said/asked).

[“Let me have it Sir,”]

Should be a comma before Sir, as it's an expression of address (or whatever the proper name is).

The "boss-man" and "scaredy-girl" and all those name things were interesting/unique.

Creative, and I'm sure somewhere in my mind I have a clear image of what happened, haha.

Good luck in WCC!

- Sesshy
4/12/2009 c1 7Duckies
The first line was slightly confusing, but after a couple of lines it all made sense :) Told from a very interesting perspective, and a very interesting storyline. Liked the way you gave nicknames to the characters, it enhanced the feeling of the story and helped me to understand the characters better. Great emotive language used. I'm genuinely excited to know what happens next! Good luck for the WCC!
4/11/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there! new reviewer here. :) Anyway, interesting story here with you not naming all the characters except for Murray. Wonder why you actually chose to do that. Anyway, interesting starting chapter here. I truly wonder what will happen next especially with the odds stacked against Murray. With that being said though, I got this idea that you meant this work to be some kind of parody. I maybe wrong though since that's just a gut feeling. And I like the term boss-man. It sound funny to me lol! :D

If there's any CCs I can give, it will be that maybe you can do a certain part on what warranted the scenario in this chapter. imo this aspect is rather blurry to in a sense that I don't know what actually sparked the whole thing. Apart from that, nothing to say. :)
4/9/2009 c1 41Dreamweaver38
hm very thrilling and exciting, but kinda confusing in the beginning... I'm still not sure what was happening in the beginning.

anyways, still, excellent job! Good luck in WCC!

4/9/2009 c1 4Frayling0
This is really clever! I started reading it and I was just like... Wha...? But then I reread it and began to understand the nicknames e.t.c More complex than I first thought! Anywayz great piece, well worth the read - Luke
4/9/2009 c1 Link Broken
you've got a great scene here. it's got emotion, drama, action, it's spontaneous. there is one crutial thing it's lacking though: why? I enjoyed reading it, but I had no idea why what was going on was going on.

your imagination really shows through in this work. some of these charactors are unlike anything i've ever read before. it was great!
4/8/2009 c1 9Luuk
Haha, interesting story. I did get a "WTF" factor when I began, such as "Taller-dead-one had found the cellar – a lone remnant of a long destroyed house left in this nowhere place." through me off, but I soon understood it was nicknames Murray was giving the peopel around him. I found that creative and amusing as I read. However, I had no idea that Murray was an animal, let aloen a ferret until I got to certain parts where he was slightly described. But, you probably write about these characters before and I never read them, so I doubt that's an issue then.

Left me hanging though...but I liked it! I found no grammatical errors while I was reading, but I may have overlooked them, who knows?
4/8/2009 c1 22effervescent-sentiments
Heh, how fun! This was really clever. I'd love to learn more about this world, how it works, why there are all these different kinds of supernatural creatures, et cetera. It's really fascinating.

I'd suggest keeping Murray 'he' even when he's shapeshifted into a 'she.' Other than that, I'm just waiting for more! I'll put it on story alert in case you choose to develop it.


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