for The Death of His Happily and Her After
34/21/2009 c1 Spazz-O-Spades
WONDERFUL DAHLING.
I still can't beileve this didn't win the contest.
YOU WIN THE SPADE'S CONTEST OF AWESOMESAUSE!
You trophy is this lovely stalkee.
=D
~Miki
WONDERFUL DAHLING.
I still can't beileve this didn't win the contest.
YOU WIN THE SPADE'S CONTEST OF AWESOMESAUSE!
You trophy is this lovely stalkee.
=D
~Miki
4/10/2009 c1 Chancee
Well hello there,
I am cleaning up our reviews and request so you are number one!
Now I found that in the beginning your two paragraphs have some pretty long sentences. Run ons. I think in the second paragraph you meant to put a period there somewhere but I am not sure where. It also is one big run on. LOL'd, watch out for that okay.
The descriptions and details are well written in my opinion and I think this was well paced. The tone of depression, hurt, and comfort I think was well illustrated in her body language and through his words. It seems they could have been a couple if not for the interference of teenage society. This gives your story a relatability element that the reader can connect with.
Great job there.
Now what I did not understand is why he did not pull her out of the situation with the no good guy in the room. Was he afraid? Or was it some silent agreement between them that he would not interfere now, since it had been so long?
The last kiss tipped me off that it would be her last so good job with showing that in a grim way and the follow up sentence of "This is just how the world is." was a nice touch of feeling to show that through it all she did have just a little good left for him to see before she left him forever. At least that is how I felt after reading it.
Very good choice of words for the dialogue and the end was unfortunate but not a surprise. The hurt of both of them was well done and I think you did a good job with this story.
Kudos to you ma dear and I have to read more of your work very soon!
This review was brought to you from the PLF #3 Review Group!
(Name will possibly change but for now you know who this is.)
Momo~^_^
Well hello there,
I am cleaning up our reviews and request so you are number one!
Now I found that in the beginning your two paragraphs have some pretty long sentences. Run ons. I think in the second paragraph you meant to put a period there somewhere but I am not sure where. It also is one big run on. LOL'd, watch out for that okay.
The descriptions and details are well written in my opinion and I think this was well paced. The tone of depression, hurt, and comfort I think was well illustrated in her body language and through his words. It seems they could have been a couple if not for the interference of teenage society. This gives your story a relatability element that the reader can connect with.
Great job there.
Now what I did not understand is why he did not pull her out of the situation with the no good guy in the room. Was he afraid? Or was it some silent agreement between them that he would not interfere now, since it had been so long?
The last kiss tipped me off that it would be her last so good job with showing that in a grim way and the follow up sentence of "This is just how the world is." was a nice touch of feeling to show that through it all she did have just a little good left for him to see before she left him forever. At least that is how I felt after reading it.
Very good choice of words for the dialogue and the end was unfortunate but not a surprise. The hurt of both of them was well done and I think you did a good job with this story.
Kudos to you ma dear and I have to read more of your work very soon!
This review was brought to you from the PLF #3 Review Group!
(Name will possibly change but for now you know who this is.)
Momo~^_^