for Zahra4/12/2009 c1 
4chel bel
For a first story, it was really good. Your imagery was wonderful. The words you used to describe things were perfect and really did paint a picture in my mind. I really liked the two opening paragraphs, they were beautifully written. The quote at the end was also cleverly done and very fitting. Still, I do have some things to critique on. One thing is that half-way through the third paragraph, you switched from past tense, to present tense, and then kept doing that throughout the rest of the story. Make sure you're consistent with the tense you start in. Choose either present or past tense and stick with it. The second thing I have to say is that I also found it a little odd that he would go up to a complete stranger and offer to let her come into his house without her seeming the least bit wary of it. His instant infatuation with her seemed a little too unrealistic, but I did find it kind of sweet as well. Overall, you did a wonderful job on this, especially since it was your first story. I'd like to see some more works from you, so keep it up! :)
4chel belFor a first story, it was really good. Your imagery was wonderful. The words you used to describe things were perfect and really did paint a picture in my mind. I really liked the two opening paragraphs, they were beautifully written. The quote at the end was also cleverly done and very fitting. Still, I do have some things to critique on. One thing is that half-way through the third paragraph, you switched from past tense, to present tense, and then kept doing that throughout the rest of the story. Make sure you're consistent with the tense you start in. Choose either present or past tense and stick with it. The second thing I have to say is that I also found it a little odd that he would go up to a complete stranger and offer to let her come into his house without her seeming the least bit wary of it. His instant infatuation with her seemed a little too unrealistic, but I did find it kind of sweet as well. Overall, you did a wonderful job on this, especially since it was your first story. I'd like to see some more works from you, so keep it up! :)
4/9/2009 c1 Chancee
Well I am flying in to give you the review that you seek...
Tis I Momo from The Promised Land Forum #3!
I like the description throughout. They are masterfully done. YOu have a good writing skill of not only painting the picture but letting us experience what is around us. Excellent job of this.
I felt it was a little rushed for the emotion he felt however. I was not sure where he was. I am assuming he was in his house an saw her, because of the armchair. I could not understand why he would go out to a perfect stranger also and she seemed very easy about it. You might want to give her a bit more of surprise at being asked by a stranger does she want to go to his home for coffee. Her response yet reserved was a little to relaxed.
I thought that his meeting the husband was rather realistic and it sets us up for a very awkward scene that you wrote out well. Good job with that. I was not sure if he had seen her before but you might want to play up the time he spent looking at her like, something along the lines of, for the first time I see a real angel, or something if this is the first time of him seeing her. If he has seen her before maybe a day or two here and there then you just need to set him up so it does not seem odd for a perfect stranger to go to another perfect stranger. I hope that makes sense.
Over all it is an excellent one-shot and I think that you are well on your way to writing even longer and really dramatic things with just this peek.
I am MOMO like I said and if you would like to get even more reviews then go to my bio and click on the forums there to meet some really nice people and get even more reviews.
I hope you update or continue this! I will be keeping an eye out for your work. Great job!
Well I am flying in to give you the review that you seek...
Tis I Momo from The Promised Land Forum #3!
I like the description throughout. They are masterfully done. YOu have a good writing skill of not only painting the picture but letting us experience what is around us. Excellent job of this.
I felt it was a little rushed for the emotion he felt however. I was not sure where he was. I am assuming he was in his house an saw her, because of the armchair. I could not understand why he would go out to a perfect stranger also and she seemed very easy about it. You might want to give her a bit more of surprise at being asked by a stranger does she want to go to his home for coffee. Her response yet reserved was a little to relaxed.
I thought that his meeting the husband was rather realistic and it sets us up for a very awkward scene that you wrote out well. Good job with that. I was not sure if he had seen her before but you might want to play up the time he spent looking at her like, something along the lines of, for the first time I see a real angel, or something if this is the first time of him seeing her. If he has seen her before maybe a day or two here and there then you just need to set him up so it does not seem odd for a perfect stranger to go to another perfect stranger. I hope that makes sense.
Over all it is an excellent one-shot and I think that you are well on your way to writing even longer and really dramatic things with just this peek.
I am MOMO like I said and if you would like to get even more reviews then go to my bio and click on the forums there to meet some really nice people and get even more reviews.
I hope you update or continue this! I will be keeping an eye out for your work. Great job!
4/9/2009 c1 73Senorita Diabla
I love your descriptions! Gorgeous mental images :].
One sentence that seemed a bit confusing to me: "The girl sits down on a bench next to her..." Next to who?
"her eyes looked as beautiful as ever"
He's just met the girl, so I suppose that's an easy statement to make ;].
The quote at the end is gorgeous, and very fitting I think.
I adore the name Zahra.
Nice writing, especially delightful for a first :].
73Senorita DiablaI love your descriptions! Gorgeous mental images :].
One sentence that seemed a bit confusing to me: "The girl sits down on a bench next to her..." Next to who?
"her eyes looked as beautiful as ever"
He's just met the girl, so I suppose that's an easy statement to make ;].
The quote at the end is gorgeous, and very fitting I think.
I adore the name Zahra.
Nice writing, especially delightful for a first :].