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for The Right kind of Fear

12/15/2009 c1 4HighOnBrokenWings
Intruiging preface. One of those that calls for a read on. Wonderful use of language.
5/2/2009 c3 MarloCarlo10
Another odd chapter but I'm glad we're learning about the characters! I'm surprised they're both virgins ;)
4/20/2009 c2 9Bleeding Air
Hello hello :)

I appreciate you offering crit for one of my stories, even if it's an old, dusty thing... haha. So, what more can I do but return the favour?

The first chapter was sort of compelling. The guy with glasses sounds interesting. You made it seem like he's gonna pop back up.

I like the "vanity mirror" part. The narrator seems like a bleak, broody person to me. . . and that kind of adds to it.

I'm not used to the ' instead of ", except in Harry Potter. . . haha. But even so, you need to punctuate your dialogue with , and . and blah blah.

Also, I'm not sure if the time is really that important, but it keeps popping up, and seems kind of unnecessary. I mean there's six mentions of the time in seven small paragraphs.

In any case, maybe she's anxious, but it doesn't seem that way.

"he was standing just 2 feet away" - two.

You also keep switching tenses. It's distracting.

"It wasn't a bad smell, but not a pleasant smell either, just the smell of him." - I love the indifference to that line, and the simplicity.

Sentences that don't rely relate to dialogue should be separated by a period, not a comma. Like this sentence: " I was amused, 'It does not work that way at all'. " and the sentence after, etc.

Also, the narrator has such a formal way of speaking, in both her thoughts and words. It makes the reader feel detached. More contractions would make her feel natural.

"My self" should be myself.

"I thought it was the most saddest thing I have ever heard" - don't use both "most" and "saddest". It's either "It was the most sad thing I have ever heard" or "It was the saddest thing I have ever heard."

“The Arts building was purposely built to look like where Mozart would live, except the colours were all out of place.” - That’s such an original description, and although it’s simple, it paints a good picture in the mind’s eye, without even needing to really describe it.

“In roughly 5 more minutes. . .” - five. Etc.

Haha, Coral sounds cute. Their adventures together also sound amusing. That part made me laugh, especially the handcuffs bit. Also loved the pet bed for her, haha. Very nice.

“You keen?” - LoL. Cute.

I don’t see where this story is going. . . which is good, because it’s unpredictable, right? :b

There’s quite a few grammatical and punctuation errors, and the tenses keep alternating, but over all I do like the pessimism of the character. Not much has happened, but this is only the second chapter.

And e, I really dissected that. Hope I could be of help :)
4/15/2009 c2 MarloCarlo10
Good chapter!

The beginning was odd but cool!
4/13/2009 c1 MarloCarlo10
I don't know but I think I'm going to stick with this story. Its very alluring =]

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