for Tell Me Why You Cry12/15/2009 c4 Ukitsu
Okay, now that I've read up to your most recent chapter... It was good.
Damn good.
Really, really, really damn good.
The choice to make him an average guy is a good direction to go. He's definitely a sociopath. Frightening stuff, when you consider that we could all know a person like this but not ever really be sure of just who it is. Good show. Damn good. I loved the feeling of self-righteousness he gives off, if only to help show just how dang evil he really is!
One thing I must say, however; I cringed, and I'm being honest, when reading about his murdering children. Not that I am telling you to shy away from the starkness, the raw, gritty truth that is murder, but I still cringed. And to me, that makes you damn good as a writer. You elicited actual emotion from a reader. Damn good show, Gobs.
I'd not expect any less from you.
All I can say is; damn good show.
Hope to see more soon,
Ukitsu
Okay, now that I've read up to your most recent chapter... It was good.
Damn good.
Really, really, really damn good.
The choice to make him an average guy is a good direction to go. He's definitely a sociopath. Frightening stuff, when you consider that we could all know a person like this but not ever really be sure of just who it is. Good show. Damn good. I loved the feeling of self-righteousness he gives off, if only to help show just how dang evil he really is!
One thing I must say, however; I cringed, and I'm being honest, when reading about his murdering children. Not that I am telling you to shy away from the starkness, the raw, gritty truth that is murder, but I still cringed. And to me, that makes you damn good as a writer. You elicited actual emotion from a reader. Damn good show, Gobs.
I'd not expect any less from you.
All I can say is; damn good show.
Hope to see more soon,
Ukitsu
12/15/2009 c1 Ukitsu
Looking over this, the first thought that popped into my poor, tired lil' ol' noggin was, and I'm serious I'll have you know: "How would she know whether dried blood on someone was itchy or not?"
Mind you, this was before I remembered that, you know, people can indeed bleed without keeling over instantaneously. :) Good thing, too, because with everything I know about you I'd be more inclined to call ol' Dudley rather quick. However, this has nothing to do with the story.
This does.
This first chapter was unique for me since I'm not really sure whether this guy is misguided and thinking he's doing right, or if he's just some sick, sadistic cretin with too much time on his hands. One thing for sure; If you ain't homeless and/or are begging on the streets, don't cross this guy.
That'll stick with me for a helluva long time.
The writing was great, though others have critiqued that. I especially agree that the idea to have him narrate (from the safety of his mind. Stream-of-Conscience as Lee said) his tale is a good idea. It makes it so much more interesting to see into the killer's mindset, I'd say.
I'm going to keep this short since this is only the first chapter. I think I'll read what you've written through the most recent chapter before I review again. Anyways, good idea and great start.
I'll see you later,
Ukitsu
Looking over this, the first thought that popped into my poor, tired lil' ol' noggin was, and I'm serious I'll have you know: "How would she know whether dried blood on someone was itchy or not?"
Mind you, this was before I remembered that, you know, people can indeed bleed without keeling over instantaneously. :) Good thing, too, because with everything I know about you I'd be more inclined to call ol' Dudley rather quick. However, this has nothing to do with the story.
This does.
This first chapter was unique for me since I'm not really sure whether this guy is misguided and thinking he's doing right, or if he's just some sick, sadistic cretin with too much time on his hands. One thing for sure; If you ain't homeless and/or are begging on the streets, don't cross this guy.
That'll stick with me for a helluva long time.
The writing was great, though others have critiqued that. I especially agree that the idea to have him narrate (from the safety of his mind. Stream-of-Conscience as Lee said) his tale is a good idea. It makes it so much more interesting to see into the killer's mindset, I'd say.
I'm going to keep this short since this is only the first chapter. I think I'll read what you've written through the most recent chapter before I review again. Anyways, good idea and great start.
I'll see you later,
Ukitsu
10/12/2009 c3 geek604
woah, good stuff here that i like x_x "She leans on my desk, low buttoned crisp shirt barely containing her breasts." dayum girl you know how to describe a woman. I liked the conversation in how he picks up the little boy. Good stuff good stuff, keep it up ^_^
woah, good stuff here that i like x_x "She leans on my desk, low buttoned crisp shirt barely containing her breasts." dayum girl you know how to describe a woman. I liked the conversation in how he picks up the little boy. Good stuff good stuff, keep it up ^_^
10/12/2009 c2 geek604
Another absolute fun chapter for me to read, best one i find out of the 3 you put out so far. I enjoyed the way the narrator didn't tell us he has problems himself, it was the thoughts he had going on I'm assuming. Also it's great how this isn't too long, or too short, but enough for the reader to capture the scene here.
Another absolute fun chapter for me to read, best one i find out of the 3 you put out so far. I enjoyed the way the narrator didn't tell us he has problems himself, it was the thoughts he had going on I'm assuming. Also it's great how this isn't too long, or too short, but enough for the reader to capture the scene here.
10/12/2009 c1 geek604
Oh wows, this is something new for me to read and I enjoyed it minus all the swearing you put into this. I loved how in the beginning you described the boy's life "Day after day, he got driven home from school. Came home to a hot dinner. Maybe a shower. With goddamned soap bubbles. Sat at the table. Ate with his mom and dad. Had ice cream; vanilla, perhaps. A choice between vanilla or strawberry." How you keeping everything realistic and the point of the view here.
Oh wows, this is something new for me to read and I enjoyed it minus all the swearing you put into this. I loved how in the beginning you described the boy's life "Day after day, he got driven home from school. Came home to a hot dinner. Maybe a shower. With goddamned soap bubbles. Sat at the table. Ate with his mom and dad. Had ice cream; vanilla, perhaps. A choice between vanilla or strawberry." How you keeping everything realistic and the point of the view here.
8/19/2009 c3 
10Caecilia
I really love the length of your chapters, btw. You grab just enough of the story to make it interesting, but you're not tied down by extra boring info, or unnecessary dialogue.
[ickticktickticktick] So intense. 0.o
Really like watching the interaction between Linda and Riket. Really cements in my mind how fucked up *his* mind is. 0.o
[smooth and without resistant after the pills] without 'resistance'
[HOLY MOTHER OF CRACKNUTS, SHUT THE FUCK UP!] Gotta say, 'cracknuts' made me burst out laughing. XD
Can't wait to see an update, lady =)
Great chapter, and your story is absolutely amazing!
- Cae
10CaeciliaI really love the length of your chapters, btw. You grab just enough of the story to make it interesting, but you're not tied down by extra boring info, or unnecessary dialogue.
[ickticktickticktick] So intense. 0.o
Really like watching the interaction between Linda and Riket. Really cements in my mind how fucked up *his* mind is. 0.o
[smooth and without resistant after the pills] without 'resistance'
[HOLY MOTHER OF CRACKNUTS, SHUT THE FUCK UP!] Gotta say, 'cracknuts' made me burst out laughing. XD
Can't wait to see an update, lady =)
Great chapter, and your story is absolutely amazing!
- Cae
8/19/2009 c2 Caecilia
[Someone threw a film reel into a blender.] I love that line.
You're such an amazing author, Gobsy!
I really love how you mix in Riket's background while still keeping the story going. Way better than I could've ever done it. XD
And your creepy and disturbing tones? Totally top of the line =x
Amazing job! Can't wait to read the third chapter! =)
- Cae
[Someone threw a film reel into a blender.] I love that line.
You're such an amazing author, Gobsy!
I really love how you mix in Riket's background while still keeping the story going. Way better than I could've ever done it. XD
And your creepy and disturbing tones? Totally top of the line =x
Amazing job! Can't wait to read the third chapter! =)
- Cae
8/19/2009 c1 Caecilia
I can't believe I haven't reviewed this, or added it to my Favs on here. Why do you put up with me, again? XD
Anywho.
[No, it was just another kid.] Before you refer to the kid as 'he'. Why change to 'it' now?
This is a freaking amazing story, and I love the chapter as much as I did when I first read it. I really like the personality that's so apparent here. Riket's thoughts jump from place to place in the middle, although they're still related. It's a nice touch I think.
Amazing job, Goblette.
Sorry for the slowness in reviewing.
- Cae
I can't believe I haven't reviewed this, or added it to my Favs on here. Why do you put up with me, again? XD
Anywho.
[No, it was just another kid.] Before you refer to the kid as 'he'. Why change to 'it' now?
This is a freaking amazing story, and I love the chapter as much as I did when I first read it. I really like the personality that's so apparent here. Riket's thoughts jump from place to place in the middle, although they're still related. It's a nice touch I think.
Amazing job, Goblette.
Sorry for the slowness in reviewing.
- Cae
7/18/2009 c1 2xtwoleftfeetx
Its different. I like different. Its also not very elaborate, but enough so that you can kind of get an image of whats going on. I recommend looking at a thesarous. Not that you have used too many words too many times, just because its fun to use new words. I always carry around a notebook, pencil, thesarous and a dictionary. All in all I like how you write, but I think it could be better.
2xtwoleftfeetxIts different. I like different. Its also not very elaborate, but enough so that you can kind of get an image of whats going on. I recommend looking at a thesarous. Not that you have used too many words too many times, just because its fun to use new words. I always carry around a notebook, pencil, thesarous and a dictionary. All in all I like how you write, but I think it could be better.
7/16/2009 c3 1Engineer of Words
Okay, getting around to reviewing this thing. Sorry I'm late.
Anyway, the stream of consciousness you use as the narration seemed to be both more logical and more entertaining. It's effortless, the combination of completely different thoughts and ideas. This guy's got some serious issues and the reader by this point definitely knows it, especially if he can ping-pong from office crony to social darwinist that quickly.
Although, it's interesting to see that the kid raises an objection to "using His name" but not Arden saying the f-word. Maybe he's too young for that, but it seems like you may not have thought about that while writing.
How do you perch hats dangerously? I'm assuming he doesn't have some sort of James Bond Villain Hat where the brim is a serrated edge.
Other than that, it was a fun albeit brief read. Here's to an expedient write of chapter four!
1Engineer of WordsOkay, getting around to reviewing this thing. Sorry I'm late.
Anyway, the stream of consciousness you use as the narration seemed to be both more logical and more entertaining. It's effortless, the combination of completely different thoughts and ideas. This guy's got some serious issues and the reader by this point definitely knows it, especially if he can ping-pong from office crony to social darwinist that quickly.
Although, it's interesting to see that the kid raises an objection to "using His name" but not Arden saying the f-word. Maybe he's too young for that, but it seems like you may not have thought about that while writing.
How do you perch hats dangerously? I'm assuming he doesn't have some sort of James Bond Villain Hat where the brim is a serrated edge.
Other than that, it was a fun albeit brief read. Here's to an expedient write of chapter four!
7/16/2009 c3 6ephemeral dance
Another good chapter. Your narrative is extremely well done. I love the grasp you have on this disturbing, horrible man. It's almost like I hate to love this- just because it's so rough and disturbing, you know?
Good job!
6ephemeral danceAnother good chapter. Your narrative is extremely well done. I love the grasp you have on this disturbing, horrible man. It's almost like I hate to love this- just because it's so rough and disturbing, you know?
Good job!
7/16/2009 c2 ephemeral dance
Another good chapter! I love how you reveal details such as the schizophrenia without having the narrator actually telling us.
The ending line was great. Definitely connects with the reader and gives them an eerie sort of feeling. We can't relate to the horrific things this guy thinks/does, but still he "just like us." Good job with this!
Another good chapter! I love how you reveal details such as the schizophrenia without having the narrator actually telling us.
The ending line was great. Definitely connects with the reader and gives them an eerie sort of feeling. We can't relate to the horrific things this guy thinks/does, but still he "just like us." Good job with this!
7/16/2009 c1 ephemeral dance
Wow. Heavy and intense. I normally shy away from pieces like that due to just... my nature, but once I read them I always end up liking them. This was incredibly well-written. I enjoyed the entire bit about the sheltered child and his upbringing that doesn't allow him to see the cruelities of the real world.
I got kind of a Palahniuk-y kind of vibe from this. A good thing, of course, because I adore the man. I liked it quite a bit.
Overall: excellent job on this! I'm intrigued and moving on to the next chapter!
Wow. Heavy and intense. I normally shy away from pieces like that due to just... my nature, but once I read them I always end up liking them. This was incredibly well-written. I enjoyed the entire bit about the sheltered child and his upbringing that doesn't allow him to see the cruelities of the real world.
I got kind of a Palahniuk-y kind of vibe from this. A good thing, of course, because I adore the man. I liked it quite a bit.
Overall: excellent job on this! I'm intrigued and moving on to the next chapter!
7/16/2009 c3 Krazz
Hai. :) See? You got a review already!
To begin with, I really liked this chapter compared to the other two prior to it. With a bit of comedic flow to it, this chapter really hits the spot.
However, I'll still think that it'd flow better if it was "look at cavemen" since you're using plural nouns and adjectives in the same paragraph. Because of that, I think that it'd flow better if it was "They hid in their caves..." for the whole singular/plural agreement.
Also, I believe you meant to say "I assumed so, it's the largest church..." instead of "a largest church." Typo?
I think that's all to nitpick from my end. Hopefully, some could be of use. Amazing work, as usual. :) If you had a book, I'd definitely buy it!
;) Until next time.
Hai. :) See? You got a review already!
To begin with, I really liked this chapter compared to the other two prior to it. With a bit of comedic flow to it, this chapter really hits the spot.
However, I'll still think that it'd flow better if it was "look at cavemen" since you're using plural nouns and adjectives in the same paragraph. Because of that, I think that it'd flow better if it was "They hid in their caves..." for the whole singular/plural agreement.
Also, I believe you meant to say "I assumed so, it's the largest church..." instead of "a largest church." Typo?
I think that's all to nitpick from my end. Hopefully, some could be of use. Amazing work, as usual. :) If you had a book, I'd definitely buy it!
;) Until next time.