for Killing Kevin6/18/2014 c5 Guest
Nooooo it's over?
Nooooo it's over?
3/20/2013 c5 
5Esther K. Binny
I've recently made a new FP account. But I read this story ages ago and thought it was wicked. It's such a refreshing difference to other things I read. I hope to see more of it if you're still writing it!
Peace!
5Esther K. BinnyI've recently made a new FP account. But I read this story ages ago and thought it was wicked. It's such a refreshing difference to other things I read. I hope to see more of it if you're still writing it!
Peace!
1/19/2013 c5 6Pirate Bones
I love how his world is almost spinning around Rosemary. How he needs to calm her down to calm himself down.
Also, I'm super intruiged with the "other place" where he's Killing Kevin. I have a strange feeling he's all just deluding the life with Rosemary... Because it is rather perfect and all. I'm looking forward to seeing more of the red head!
Also I really love this whole little community feel it has. Please, keeP it up! Really enjoying it! :-)
6Pirate BonesI love how his world is almost spinning around Rosemary. How he needs to calm her down to calm himself down.
Also, I'm super intruiged with the "other place" where he's Killing Kevin. I have a strange feeling he's all just deluding the life with Rosemary... Because it is rather perfect and all. I'm looking forward to seeing more of the red head!
Also I really love this whole little community feel it has. Please, keeP it up! Really enjoying it! :-)
3/3/2010 c5 10closetninety
holyfuck!
This is really trippy. How come things are so funky? It's wierd.
I'm kinda curious though. What's wrong with Kevin?
This kind of reminds me of postmodernism. Is it?
If it is, then it's kind of brilliant.
10closetninetyholyfuck!
This is really trippy. How come things are so funky? It's wierd.
I'm kinda curious though. What's wrong with Kevin?
This kind of reminds me of postmodernism. Is it?
If it is, then it's kind of brilliant.
2/26/2010 c1 3The Anarchy Pancake
Whoa, trippy.
Good story, very well worded. You should most certainly continue.
3The Anarchy PancakeWhoa, trippy.
Good story, very well worded. You should most certainly continue.
10/19/2009 c4 4jammi
This has gotten more surreal, but at the same time, not. LOL at them getting caught smoking weed. I think I'd be more irritated that the woman had the balls to be opening up my damn garage then the actual being arrested bit.
Funny that to her he's a bane on the town's existance just for smoking up, imagine how she'd react to his delusions of killing people. If they're are delusions... That whole bit always keeps me off balance.
I really liked that bit where he says something along the lines of either God's reeling him in, or casting her out.
He's gotten more poetic in tone, even when he's being crude. What is up with the red headed boy? I want to connect him to the red butterfly but I'm not sure he's even real. But neither are the butterflies.
And it's interesting that he says the butterfly speaks to him now but we never hear the butterfly say anything to him. I felt like once we accepted his delusion of the butterflies, something else started that is again outside of our comfort zone/knowledge.
i like it. Especially the fact that we have the are they real/aren't they, but yet he can follow them to find Rosemary. Tis strange.
And what is with the MIB presence? And this chapter seemed to have a larger religious overtone but it never felt preachy over too much, just more present.
Sorry if this isn't that cohesive, lol, I actually wrote up a review when you posted the first time, fp ate it, I got pissed and signed off and now I should be studying but I wanted to review before I forgot.
4jammiThis has gotten more surreal, but at the same time, not. LOL at them getting caught smoking weed. I think I'd be more irritated that the woman had the balls to be opening up my damn garage then the actual being arrested bit.
Funny that to her he's a bane on the town's existance just for smoking up, imagine how she'd react to his delusions of killing people. If they're are delusions... That whole bit always keeps me off balance.
I really liked that bit where he says something along the lines of either God's reeling him in, or casting her out.
He's gotten more poetic in tone, even when he's being crude. What is up with the red headed boy? I want to connect him to the red butterfly but I'm not sure he's even real. But neither are the butterflies.
And it's interesting that he says the butterfly speaks to him now but we never hear the butterfly say anything to him. I felt like once we accepted his delusion of the butterflies, something else started that is again outside of our comfort zone/knowledge.
i like it. Especially the fact that we have the are they real/aren't they, but yet he can follow them to find Rosemary. Tis strange.
And what is with the MIB presence? And this chapter seemed to have a larger religious overtone but it never felt preachy over too much, just more present.
Sorry if this isn't that cohesive, lol, I actually wrote up a review when you posted the first time, fp ate it, I got pissed and signed off and now I should be studying but I wanted to review before I forgot.
10/17/2009 c4 Brenda Agaro
I'm actually impressed with this story so far. The perspective is unique and I like how it's distorted. The butterflies were clever. It feels like reading what goes on in Kevin's mind. The characterization was clever and none of them feel like cardboard cutouts. I also like how you show and foreshadow events. The details were necessary and I thought your metaphors were clever as well.
I'm still reading Dear Imagination (I found you through that story XD ), so hopefully I'll give you a review for the story as soon as I can.
As for the corrections and feedback below, you don't have to agree with all of it. Just use what works and disregard the rest. :-)
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
Chapter 1:
{“How about a game sometime?” he knows I’m his new neighbor’s kid.} "he" should be capitalized since it's not a dialogue tag.
{I usually avoid it but today I was tired.} I believe there should be a comma after "it."
{My stitches have fallen out but the scar over my eye and across my fist tell the crowd that I’m one of them.} A comma after "out."
Chapter 2:
{My name is Kevin I will die after drinking spiked fruit juice.} A period or comma after "Kevin."
{Why I’m not in trouble yet.} I think there should be a question mark at the end.
{“Well can’t we do anything about that Swastika?”} A comma after "Well."
{Why’s her hair long.} I think there should be a question mark at the end.
Chapter 3:
{There are sounds of blood, or some liquid, I can’t be sure it’s blood it just sounds hot and thick, like blood.} I think there should be a comma after "sure it's blood."
{"Thank you Jimbo!"} A comma after "you."
{Lapses in and out if my thoughts.} "if" should be "of."
{"My mother would say you’re life’s purpose is to corrupt me."} your.
Chapter 4:
{"Well does God create the psychos?" someone asks behind us.} A comma after "Well."
{"Oh, well I do. But," she holds her hand up.} I think there should be a comma after "well", and a period after "But" since "she holds her hand up" is not a dialogue tag.
{"This isn’t really necessary, give the boys a fine or –,"} I don't think there should be a comma at the end.
{"What d’you think they’re here for?" I asked.} I'm wondering if the switch to past tense is intentional.
I'm actually impressed with this story so far. The perspective is unique and I like how it's distorted. The butterflies were clever. It feels like reading what goes on in Kevin's mind. The characterization was clever and none of them feel like cardboard cutouts. I also like how you show and foreshadow events. The details were necessary and I thought your metaphors were clever as well.
I'm still reading Dear Imagination (I found you through that story XD ), so hopefully I'll give you a review for the story as soon as I can.
As for the corrections and feedback below, you don't have to agree with all of it. Just use what works and disregard the rest. :-)
-*-
Corrections/Feedback:
Chapter 1:
{“How about a game sometime?” he knows I’m his new neighbor’s kid.} "he" should be capitalized since it's not a dialogue tag.
{I usually avoid it but today I was tired.} I believe there should be a comma after "it."
{My stitches have fallen out but the scar over my eye and across my fist tell the crowd that I’m one of them.} A comma after "out."
Chapter 2:
{My name is Kevin I will die after drinking spiked fruit juice.} A period or comma after "Kevin."
{Why I’m not in trouble yet.} I think there should be a question mark at the end.
{“Well can’t we do anything about that Swastika?”} A comma after "Well."
{Why’s her hair long.} I think there should be a question mark at the end.
Chapter 3:
{There are sounds of blood, or some liquid, I can’t be sure it’s blood it just sounds hot and thick, like blood.} I think there should be a comma after "sure it's blood."
{"Thank you Jimbo!"} A comma after "you."
{Lapses in and out if my thoughts.} "if" should be "of."
{"My mother would say you’re life’s purpose is to corrupt me."} your.
Chapter 4:
{"Well does God create the psychos?" someone asks behind us.} A comma after "Well."
{"Oh, well I do. But," she holds her hand up.} I think there should be a comma after "well", and a period after "But" since "she holds her hand up" is not a dialogue tag.
{"This isn’t really necessary, give the boys a fine or –,"} I don't think there should be a comma at the end.
{"What d’you think they’re here for?" I asked.} I'm wondering if the switch to past tense is intentional.
10/7/2009 c3 7Your Execution
Holy crap this is so weird. Like, really weird. If i were nicer I would probably say original. I like it.
7Your ExecutionHoly crap this is so weird. Like, really weird. If i were nicer I would probably say original. I like it.
8/20/2009 c2 hero.in.a.million.pages
freakishly amazing and beautifully stupid in the best ways. Kevin is pretty hot. REALLY hot. Please continue with it and finish it so that my snobbish sister can read it. She's too much of an asswipe to read unfinished stuff, and she'd really like it.
freakishly amazing and beautifully stupid in the best ways. Kevin is pretty hot. REALLY hot. Please continue with it and finish it so that my snobbish sister can read it. She's too much of an asswipe to read unfinished stuff, and she'd really like it.
8/18/2009 c1 emily
confusing at times, but all the more better for it.
confusing at times, but all the more better for it.
8/12/2009 c3 RT
This story is really and truly good. It's so dark, but it feels so real. Kevin is a very interesting character, and I want to see if or how he corrupts Rosemary. I can't wait to see what you do with the rest of this story.
This story is really and truly good. It's so dark, but it feels so real. Kevin is a very interesting character, and I want to see if or how he corrupts Rosemary. I can't wait to see what you do with the rest of this story.
8/2/2009 c3 Guest
I love this, please continue.
I love this, please continue.
7/31/2009 c3 4jammi
I don't know what's weirder, the fact that he's killing randoms, maybe, or the fact that he's not more freaked out by it. Reading this I get the same feeling I get when I used to watch Pinocchio and Alice in Wonderland, all these things are happening and you can see it but it doesn't feel real. It's all dreamy and daze like and right now, it works [i like the dream quality and not knowing if he's really killing people or if he's insane] but I think it's going to become an issue later on because it is slightly confusing. And I laughed when he said he sprinted his cracker ass right out of the house, hahah, then I was like 'he just killed someone's family!' On the other hand, I don't really believe it because who is that calm when they walk in on some random who has murdered their family?
Also, there was an author that writes likes this, a weird blend of past, present and future, in such a way you feel as disoriented as the speaker but not since it's correlated. I can't remember her name though, and she wrote fantasy. Oh, well, I do find this interesting even though I won't lie, not sure if I would be able to stick through it the whole way on something like fp since it's harder to keep track of everything when it's posted in pieces especially when the MC can't keep track of anything. Good luck with this.
4jammiI don't know what's weirder, the fact that he's killing randoms, maybe, or the fact that he's not more freaked out by it. Reading this I get the same feeling I get when I used to watch Pinocchio and Alice in Wonderland, all these things are happening and you can see it but it doesn't feel real. It's all dreamy and daze like and right now, it works [i like the dream quality and not knowing if he's really killing people or if he's insane] but I think it's going to become an issue later on because it is slightly confusing. And I laughed when he said he sprinted his cracker ass right out of the house, hahah, then I was like 'he just killed someone's family!' On the other hand, I don't really believe it because who is that calm when they walk in on some random who has murdered their family?
Also, there was an author that writes likes this, a weird blend of past, present and future, in such a way you feel as disoriented as the speaker but not since it's correlated. I can't remember her name though, and she wrote fantasy. Oh, well, I do find this interesting even though I won't lie, not sure if I would be able to stick through it the whole way on something like fp since it's harder to keep track of everything when it's posted in pieces especially when the MC can't keep track of anything. Good luck with this.