for Nocturne draft11/21/2014 c5 chiakaiyuki
If this is set up for something big then jesus I need to slow down and get a grip on my emotions.
I'm with Law on this one, just how exactly is Alan coping with everything? I'm having a hard time simply reading it... (and I miss Keyd, stupid arsehole that he is).
Also, I just noticed this is in 1st person. I usually skip over stories not in 3rd person because I find them difficult to read and relate to. Major props to your writing that I didn't even notice until now.
If this is set up for something big then jesus I need to slow down and get a grip on my emotions.
I'm with Law on this one, just how exactly is Alan coping with everything? I'm having a hard time simply reading it... (and I miss Keyd, stupid arsehole that he is).
Also, I just noticed this is in 1st person. I usually skip over stories not in 3rd person because I find them difficult to read and relate to. Major props to your writing that I didn't even notice until now.
8/30/2013 c8 estarianne
I have been enjoying your drafts. I totally get that they are unfinished, please just consider my comments as suggestions toward your final copy. I have 3 scientific comments and a couple of philosophical/stylistic comments. I read a LOT so have ideas on pretty much everything.
1) Light as a consumable resource. The way it is written here doesn't really sound right, and I am not sure how much science background you have. Forgive me if I oversimplify. Light is a wave emitted from and absorbed by particles. The particles emit the wave as long as they remain in an excited state. Think of it as a can of silly string with the button taped down. You can use the end of the string, but more string will keep coming until the can runs out.
The way it is written here, it sounds like the light wave is stationary and can be eaten away. Now, I am an out of practice engineer, not a physicist, so there might be some esoteric law in astrophysics that allows light to be eaten (like black holes, but they eat everything) but most readers understand light as something that keeps going until it is absorbed or reflected. A dark zone doesn't make sense without absorbtion or reflection. Flying energy conversion particles, perhaps.
2)The reflection magic isn't very fleshed out yet, but even if they are multiplying light, if they are still consuming it wouldn't the results be the same?
3) You've mentioned different planets, but haven't considered different length days/months/years. Also, there is no reason a nonhuman society would break days into 24 hours. Just a thought.
On style. My main thought is that although the book is ostensibly about shades of gray in the fight between good and evil, you've given your characters very black and white options, mostly false dichotomies.
My second thought is that the "relationship between two people who dont know how to communicate" trope becomes annoying if the reasons for not communicating are not interesting and enriching to the character or plot. That's because in real life, these kind of relationships are annoying to watch, so if you use realistic reasons like "I couldn't think if anything to say" too often, you lose character interest.
Lastly, pure opinion. Alan's self-blame got irritating at the end. It needs a balance. (well, all of the style stuff was pure opinion, that just was not based on anything concrete).
Have fun in rewrites! I will be sure to check them out! Of course, by then, this whole book might have am different plot, but that's the fun part right?
I have been enjoying your drafts. I totally get that they are unfinished, please just consider my comments as suggestions toward your final copy. I have 3 scientific comments and a couple of philosophical/stylistic comments. I read a LOT so have ideas on pretty much everything.
1) Light as a consumable resource. The way it is written here doesn't really sound right, and I am not sure how much science background you have. Forgive me if I oversimplify. Light is a wave emitted from and absorbed by particles. The particles emit the wave as long as they remain in an excited state. Think of it as a can of silly string with the button taped down. You can use the end of the string, but more string will keep coming until the can runs out.
The way it is written here, it sounds like the light wave is stationary and can be eaten away. Now, I am an out of practice engineer, not a physicist, so there might be some esoteric law in astrophysics that allows light to be eaten (like black holes, but they eat everything) but most readers understand light as something that keeps going until it is absorbed or reflected. A dark zone doesn't make sense without absorbtion or reflection. Flying energy conversion particles, perhaps.
2)The reflection magic isn't very fleshed out yet, but even if they are multiplying light, if they are still consuming it wouldn't the results be the same?
3) You've mentioned different planets, but haven't considered different length days/months/years. Also, there is no reason a nonhuman society would break days into 24 hours. Just a thought.
On style. My main thought is that although the book is ostensibly about shades of gray in the fight between good and evil, you've given your characters very black and white options, mostly false dichotomies.
My second thought is that the "relationship between two people who dont know how to communicate" trope becomes annoying if the reasons for not communicating are not interesting and enriching to the character or plot. That's because in real life, these kind of relationships are annoying to watch, so if you use realistic reasons like "I couldn't think if anything to say" too often, you lose character interest.
Lastly, pure opinion. Alan's self-blame got irritating at the end. It needs a balance. (well, all of the style stuff was pure opinion, that just was not based on anything concrete).
Have fun in rewrites! I will be sure to check them out! Of course, by then, this whole book might have am different plot, but that's the fun part right?
8/12/2013 c7 rylaraves
Seems betraying Keyd is in Alan's blood. I really had high hopes for this series but this is just so disgusting. I knew there was a reason I kept skipping the series but a favorite author favorited the stories and I think I just wasted my time with Alan. I understand the logic of what Alan and even that plot is logical in the series. I just personally don't like it in my main characters especially when they do it to each other. I know that Alan is getting the brunt of my ire because the story is from his POV.
But you really have solid story-telling skills, world-building is awesome, and an eye for details. This would have been an awesome read if not for my personal and deep-rooted beliefs about betrayals.
Seems betraying Keyd is in Alan's blood. I really had high hopes for this series but this is just so disgusting. I knew there was a reason I kept skipping the series but a favorite author favorited the stories and I think I just wasted my time with Alan. I understand the logic of what Alan and even that plot is logical in the series. I just personally don't like it in my main characters especially when they do it to each other. I know that Alan is getting the brunt of my ire because the story is from his POV.
But you really have solid story-telling skills, world-building is awesome, and an eye for details. This would have been an awesome read if not for my personal and deep-rooted beliefs about betrayals.
5/5/2013 c8 Guest
So. You made me cry. Sign of how involved in your story I became, which is the true test of what I consider a good story. :)
So. You made me cry. Sign of how involved in your story I became, which is the true test of what I consider a good story. :)
7/19/2012 c8 
1quayjahn
I began to read the series in 2009 but somehow stopped, having other things to do. I re-discovered it and started to read it from the start. I'm pretty sure, I haven't read all of nocturne back than...but now I look forward to the last part of the series, wondering if alan will tell the others about ahiel, how the entities are leaving him and of course, will aleif keep her word, is earth safe...will there be a balance and can the relationship work
1quayjahnI began to read the series in 2009 but somehow stopped, having other things to do. I re-discovered it and started to read it from the start. I'm pretty sure, I haven't read all of nocturne back than...but now I look forward to the last part of the series, wondering if alan will tell the others about ahiel, how the entities are leaving him and of course, will aleif keep her word, is earth safe...will there be a balance and can the relationship work
3/28/2012 c7 2Dreams-of-Fairies
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i can't read it
i just can't
i can't go on
im about to have a heart attack
I've stopped right at:
((("Alan," Keyd said, carefully. "What did you do?")))
SHIT
EH!
I can't go on
T^T
but i must
2Dreams-of-Fairiesfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i can't read it
i just can't
i can't go on
im about to have a heart attack
I've stopped right at:
((("Alan," Keyd said, carefully. "What did you do?")))
SHIT
EH!
I can't go on
T^T
but i must
5/17/2011 c8 3why-eye-en
Thank you for a great story! I really enjoyed reading the emotional turmoil Alan went through. It really showed the character's depth. You are an excellent writer! I look forward to reading more =)
Also, don't mind the crazies/trolls who comment =)
3why-eye-enThank you for a great story! I really enjoyed reading the emotional turmoil Alan went through. It really showed the character's depth. You are an excellent writer! I look forward to reading more =)
Also, don't mind the crazies/trolls who comment =)
5/16/2011 c2 Blue
I guess I don't really understand his choice. I don't really feel that strongly about earth and I kind of feel like humanity is doomed to fail eventually anyways and so many are already fucking up the planet without a care. I would have probably stayed and tried to help plan and figure out the best way to save both worlds, maybe told Keyd that I want to visit my home before any major moves were made just to talk to the people close to me. Also, I think it would have been good for people if a bit of earth got destroyed, by an "alien" race no less, to increase human appreciation in our wonderful planet, but this has been my opinion for a while.
I guess I don't really understand his choice. I don't really feel that strongly about earth and I kind of feel like humanity is doomed to fail eventually anyways and so many are already fucking up the planet without a care. I would have probably stayed and tried to help plan and figure out the best way to save both worlds, maybe told Keyd that I want to visit my home before any major moves were made just to talk to the people close to me. Also, I think it would have been good for people if a bit of earth got destroyed, by an "alien" race no less, to increase human appreciation in our wonderful planet, but this has been my opinion for a while.
2/6/2011 c8 3lost in pale blue
What a roller coaster ride of emotions! Neither one of them had easy decisions to make, but I'm so glad they're back in a good place.
I'm a little worried, though, because Alan dreamed about being handcuffed and on the floor, which he apparently didn't remember. And he also dreamed something being wrong with Keyd, so I'm worried that dream will come true as well.
3lost in pale blueWhat a roller coaster ride of emotions! Neither one of them had easy decisions to make, but I'm so glad they're back in a good place.
I'm a little worried, though, because Alan dreamed about being handcuffed and on the floor, which he apparently didn't remember. And he also dreamed something being wrong with Keyd, so I'm worried that dream will come true as well.
12/26/2010 c6 4Amante dei Libri
Hello, I'm a new reviewer. I usually wait until I've gotten to the end of a story (or a series, in your case) to review, but this chapter, for some reason, made me break that rule. Particularly this line:
"Fuck, Alan, don't do that like you mean it," he said with a rough little noise in his throat, pushing me back a little more
I mean, what can I say? Something about this line-it was perfect for that part of the story. Made me tear up a little, actually. You are one of the best authors I have ever read, online or off, and your story is AMAZING. You have a way of verbalizing emotions without having to spell them out for the reader, and that is a unique talent. I hope I get a little spare time when I finish reading what you have posted to give you a more thorough review, but I hope for now my pointing out the line I think you did best (at least, that's what I think this exact moment) will tide you over until the. :) Keep writing.
4Amante dei LibriHello, I'm a new reviewer. I usually wait until I've gotten to the end of a story (or a series, in your case) to review, but this chapter, for some reason, made me break that rule. Particularly this line:
"Fuck, Alan, don't do that like you mean it," he said with a rough little noise in his throat, pushing me back a little more
I mean, what can I say? Something about this line-it was perfect for that part of the story. Made me tear up a little, actually. You are one of the best authors I have ever read, online or off, and your story is AMAZING. You have a way of verbalizing emotions without having to spell them out for the reader, and that is a unique talent. I hope I get a little spare time when I finish reading what you have posted to give you a more thorough review, but I hope for now my pointing out the line I think you did best (at least, that's what I think this exact moment) will tide you over until the. :) Keep writing.
10/28/2010 c8 10Golfbabe87
AW! yay they are back together, if a little unstable. They just overcame a huge milestone. I can't wait to see what will happen in terms of the war.
10Golfbabe87AW! yay they are back together, if a little unstable. They just overcame a huge milestone. I can't wait to see what will happen in terms of the war.
10/28/2010 c7 Golfbabe87
It doesn't suck it is amazing! God, Alan has been going through so much. He has been stuck in such a horrible position and now so is Keyd. Kir has a good head on his shoulders.
It doesn't suck it is amazing! God, Alan has been going through so much. He has been stuck in such a horrible position and now so is Keyd. Kir has a good head on his shoulders.
10/27/2010 c4 Golfbabe87
WOw, really nicely done. It really isn't necessarily about good or evil. I am so glad Alan got to have a talk with Eleon. It was nice to get to discover more about Rysa's family.
WOw, really nicely done. It really isn't necessarily about good or evil. I am so glad Alan got to have a talk with Eleon. It was nice to get to discover more about Rysa's family.