for Paid by Death4/22/2009 c1 
37TaltushMeiMei
What's strange about this poem is how unbalanced it is. It starts out very dramatic and strong, vivid and blunt. And then somehow, with the second part, it became almost less serious. "No it can't be him!" just feels melodramatic and overdone. The short, airy lines afterwords flow kind of awkwardly and the poem stutters a bit. "Just because of a flick of mistake" Perhaps "flick of a mistake"? Still, that line returns to the serious vein if only a short time. With "and even this little boy, my little boy", the poem seems to be in limbo again, partly melodramatic, partly strong. Something with words like "frantically" and descriptions like "puffy and almost drooping" changes the tone. I'm not sure what. I feel like perhaps the poem would carry more weight if it was a bit shorter and to the point while maintaining a bit of vagueness. It's not bad, it's just fairly unbalanced and flows strangely in the middle section. A good edit could turn this into a very nice, powerful poem.
37TaltushMeiMeiWhat's strange about this poem is how unbalanced it is. It starts out very dramatic and strong, vivid and blunt. And then somehow, with the second part, it became almost less serious. "No it can't be him!" just feels melodramatic and overdone. The short, airy lines afterwords flow kind of awkwardly and the poem stutters a bit. "Just because of a flick of mistake" Perhaps "flick of a mistake"? Still, that line returns to the serious vein if only a short time. With "and even this little boy, my little boy", the poem seems to be in limbo again, partly melodramatic, partly strong. Something with words like "frantically" and descriptions like "puffy and almost drooping" changes the tone. I'm not sure what. I feel like perhaps the poem would carry more weight if it was a bit shorter and to the point while maintaining a bit of vagueness. It's not bad, it's just fairly unbalanced and flows strangely in the middle section. A good edit could turn this into a very nice, powerful poem.