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12/18/2010 c13 Santa
I really liked this poem. It wasn’t perfect, but you had so many aspects weaved into your writing that made it very enjoyable to read. Also, the subject matter that you talk about is extremely relatable, which is quality in any piece of writing that will instantly draw your audience in. The think the biggest thing was the emotions that you managed to convey without straight up telling the reader. I could tell that the narrator was confused, torn and even guilty. I felt their frustration as I read, which was wonderful.

The one thing I didn’t really like was I found the flow to be a little inconsistent. I felt a nice rhyme scheme and rhythm going, but then a certain stanza would stray away from it. I know you said that this piece wasn’t very ‘poem-y’ but I think it suits under the poem genre just fine. Nice work and keep it up!

From you Secret Santa. I hope you have a nice Christmas!
8/21/2010 c2 2Slave to Creativity
Hmm... I suggest inspiration? No, no, it's good. The random author notes make it kind of hard to read though.
1/15/2010 c13 1k+Faithless Juliet
You say that you don’t feel like this a poem, I would disagree, I think the rhyming scheme, and especially the formatting choices scream POEM! But maybe you could label this as a song instead; it might fit into that category.

What I really liked about this piece, was the continued since of choice and regret that you show to the reader. You even show guilt at times, and those emotions were always present in the piece, not matter which stanza I was reading. I really enjoyed that you managed to relay those emotions without actually telling the reader straight out, that that was how you feel. It’s always a strong piece when the emotions speak for themselves.

I think that the aspects that I didn’t like about it, was some of the verbiage that you used. It made the piece sound older than it really was - the rhyming for instance, although it’s good, it turns the piece in to a more solid concoction, and I feel like with what you were saying it would fit better if you didn’t age it so much by doing that. It just made the level of the piece conflicting, in my opinion. But that is not to say that I did not enjoy the piece, because I did. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.
11/19/2009 c5 4lookingwest
Hahaha, absolutely love your last stanza! I could really feel the emotion behind this one!
11/19/2009 c4 lookingwest
hmm, I found this one a little too cliche for my tastes, but by pretty much stating that in your poem it kind of transcends into a different meta-poem entirely...
11/19/2009 c3 lookingwest
"I am brave/yet still a coward"-that line was really great for me, especially because it reminds me of a character I'm trying to create in my story, and he borders a lot between this contradiction. So much to say in so little words!
11/19/2009 c2 lookingwest
Haha, I thought this was very playful and I really got the sense that you were doing this in class, so that came across loud and clear. I loved the end the best!
8/14/2009 c9 7Duckies
Interesting content. I loved some of your phrasing, they had a very unique quality to them.

A few problems I had with this poem were a)punctuation, b)flow and c)length.

As with the other poem I've just reviewed, I felt that the punctuation here was quite off - sometimes you used it, but most of the time you didn't. Especially with the use of the two ellipsis towards the end, this was very prominent. I also didn't think the second ellipses was needed, the meaning would have been more clear without it.

I noticed that some sentences felt a tad awkward, I think it might've been the order in which you wrote your words sometimes, and the transition between stanzas other times.

I have alos noticed that many of your poems are quite short - perhaps try to write longer poems sometimes? The stilted style works sometimes, but you also want to expand your repertoire - especially in this poem, where I thin a little extra length would've made the meaning clearer and the flow stronger.

I loved the last line though (apart from the ellipes) - it was a very cever idea you came up with. I'm impressed :)
8/9/2009 c8 2dragonflydreamer
Ah, new chapter :D

I love the last stanza. The way you describe his as family makes the connection feel so powerful.

[Not in reality/No epilogue, no sequel] Nice lines. The contrast of fact and fiction is demonstrated nicelt with the mention of "epilogue" and "sequel."

What I didn't like in this piece was the lack of contracions. It made those lines feel very stiff.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
8/9/2009 c8 7Duckies
I really like how incredibly emotional this is - the short, simple and straight-to-the point style of the poem adds to that effect perfectly as well (excuse the alliteration.)

"Some wish they could | Though it is impossible" - tense issues; perhaps change 'could' to 'can.'

I also noticed that you used chance twice very close to each other - that made the flow of the poem a tad awkward, perhaps use a synonym in place of one?

One thing I didn't like so much was your lack of punctuation, I think the overall emphasis on your main ideas could've been strengthened with the use of pauses and such.

I did love this though, you had a lovely flow most of the time and it I could tell that every word was truly heartfelt. You poured a lot of yourself into this, and it showed.

Keep writing :)

- Beatrice, from the Review Marathon
8/7/2009 c7 2dragonflydreamer
I like how you raise questions in the readers' minds as this goes along. Lines like "but that is the only way I'd have it" and "this world has stolen my purity" made me want to read on for explainations.

Great last line. It wraps everything up neatly, and is a very relatable feeling.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
8/7/2009 c6 dragonflydreamer
[There is no difference/There is no reason/There is no excuse] I like that stanza. The repeated structure really dug the point in.

I don't particularly like the word choice in this, though. Though the emotion is clear, the words fit together in a more conversational than poetic way.
8/7/2009 c5 dragonflydreamer
I like the perspective in this. It seems to be just a caring friend and not a jealous third prong or anything. Even though this is a common topic, that makes this unique.

[She’s just a bitch/Of that evil little witch] Those lines seemed to similar to me. It took away from the impact of the last line.
8/7/2009 c4 dragonflydreamer
I like the premise. Based on your author's note, I thought this was typical student angst, but you really broadened it to asking the meaning of life as a whole.

[My tale is short and dreary

I have nothing to tell

Life is getting weary]

Nice introduction. It feels almost sing-songy with the rhyme, which contrasts the rest well.
8/7/2009 c3 dragonflydreamer
I like the ending. The separation of the word "confusion" is effective, and the similar sounds of "conculsion" and "confusion" adds to the meaning.

The first four lines didn't do too much for me, though. They're obviously necessary information, but they're very blunt. I think you could do a lot more with them.
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