for Atelier12/8/2009 c6 
1Tomoyuki Tanaka
Good luck to your exams! And please write a Flameheart/Atelier Christmas Special! Thanks! I'll look forward to it!
It does not matter if it was supposed to take place chronologically before Flameheart. The readers, or at least I personally, can make sense of what's going on. It's a great chapter, one filled with emotions and differing perspectives.
I really look forward to the next installments of Flameheart and Atelier now. I can't wait for them! See you then!
1Tomoyuki TanakaGood luck to your exams! And please write a Flameheart/Atelier Christmas Special! Thanks! I'll look forward to it!
It does not matter if it was supposed to take place chronologically before Flameheart. The readers, or at least I personally, can make sense of what's going on. It's a great chapter, one filled with emotions and differing perspectives.
I really look forward to the next installments of Flameheart and Atelier now. I can't wait for them! See you then!
12/5/2009 c6 No not really a troll
Your writing is absolutely amazing, it really is. There was one typo, where you put baring where you most likely meant barring, but that was it.
This entire chapter really helped with the Corinthos psyche and their motivations, and it makes them all seem much more human and real.
In all: awesome. This is the kind of writing quality that I aspire to.
Your writing is absolutely amazing, it really is. There was one typo, where you put baring where you most likely meant barring, but that was it.
This entire chapter really helped with the Corinthos psyche and their motivations, and it makes them all seem much more human and real.
In all: awesome. This is the kind of writing quality that I aspire to.
12/5/2009 c6 Tawny Owl
I would quite like to see you cast in Christmas hats.
There was a lot of talking in this chapter, but it seemed to show the differences between them more than the last chapter. Before they seemed more on an even footing, both being angry and trying to explain themselves. In this one it was more obvious that Yiazmat was older than Atelier, and more reasonable. Although maybe that was because he was in his head and the man seems damn cool in a crisis.
What is the age difference anyway?
The 'bulls8it' moment was fun because he had been all polite up to that point. It made me laugh and I could imagine Atelier's shocked face.
I'm beginning to think (like most religous fanatics) that she could be quite annoying if left to run riot. There were moments when I wanted to shake her as well, but then I am a hypocrite and really intolerant of people who are intolerant. If that makes sense.
and waiting for the Vizier to resign? Crazy. But it was good to get a deeper insight into Atelier's culture seeing as I already feel like I know the Daim quite well. And her admission about why she was fighting too.
The background to Yiazmat and the fact that he spent so long as a private because of his heritage was insightful as well. If he's had to fight to get where he is it makes alot about hime make sense.
I would quite like to see you cast in Christmas hats.
There was a lot of talking in this chapter, but it seemed to show the differences between them more than the last chapter. Before they seemed more on an even footing, both being angry and trying to explain themselves. In this one it was more obvious that Yiazmat was older than Atelier, and more reasonable. Although maybe that was because he was in his head and the man seems damn cool in a crisis.
What is the age difference anyway?
The 'bulls8it' moment was fun because he had been all polite up to that point. It made me laugh and I could imagine Atelier's shocked face.
I'm beginning to think (like most religous fanatics) that she could be quite annoying if left to run riot. There were moments when I wanted to shake her as well, but then I am a hypocrite and really intolerant of people who are intolerant. If that makes sense.
and waiting for the Vizier to resign? Crazy. But it was good to get a deeper insight into Atelier's culture seeing as I already feel like I know the Daim quite well. And her admission about why she was fighting too.
The background to Yiazmat and the fact that he spent so long as a private because of his heritage was insightful as well. If he's had to fight to get where he is it makes alot about hime make sense.
10/18/2009 c5 Tomoyuki Tanaka
I think you should write whatever you want, not what the readers want. Where do you think this story should go, and how you proceed is entirely up to you. I'm fine either way, I'll read whatever you write because they're interesting and fun, as well as emotional, so you don't have to worry.
That said, how old is Yiazmat and Atelier anyway? 26 and 18?
I think you should write whatever you want, not what the readers want. Where do you think this story should go, and how you proceed is entirely up to you. I'm fine either way, I'll read whatever you write because they're interesting and fun, as well as emotional, so you don't have to worry.
That said, how old is Yiazmat and Atelier anyway? 26 and 18?
10/18/2009 c4 Tomoyuki Tanaka
As again, I apologize for being late. Should have read this before Flameheart. Doesn't matter.
Oh, and I've changed my name to Tomoyuki Tanaka, so it's no longer Shiranui Akatsuki. Don't be surprised because I'm the same guy.
One more note, you might want to edit it more carefully. Try to be more consistent, because I see that you're switching between past tense and present tense really often. One moment Yiazmat is using present tense, the next thing Elias "said" or "replied". Thought you might want to know.
Great story, though! I love where it's heading!
As again, I apologize for being late. Should have read this before Flameheart. Doesn't matter.
Oh, and I've changed my name to Tomoyuki Tanaka, so it's no longer Shiranui Akatsuki. Don't be surprised because I'm the same guy.
One more note, you might want to edit it more carefully. Try to be more consistent, because I see that you're switching between past tense and present tense really often. One moment Yiazmat is using present tense, the next thing Elias "said" or "replied". Thought you might want to know.
Great story, though! I love where it's heading!
10/14/2009 c5 Tawny Owl
I really, really loved the sharing of CV’s, mostly the bit right at the end, and the way that yes it showed they were so much alike, but hated each other anyway. It sought of set up the impossibility of the situation. They start of being sad, especially Atelier but Yiazmat seems fairly melancholy about it as well. How are they speaking when they end though? The fact that the dialogue has no description makes it read quicker and that gives me the impression that they are talking faster and louder. The things they end on as well are who they are and what they belief in. What they do and who they owe their allegiance to are things theya re proud of and they sound almost like they have drawn themselves out of the dumps and are speaking affirmations. Especially on Yiazmat’s part. You mention Atelier is wary. If it was me I would have made more of that though.
And to be fair I was kind of hoping that Yiazmat would slap her – Atelier seems to be the more passionate, irrational one of the two. Therefore the one who is going to be harder to reason with or to be sensible when her beliefs are challenged.
The slap was interesting actually because ok, the poor little girl was tied down and all, but you had me expecting it, and thinking she deserved it. Normally things like that make me cringe, but Yiazmat was almost a gentleman about if that makes sense? I don’t think it does? Let’s just settle for the fact that he head a reason for going it, explained what that was and it didn’t seem necessary of gratuitous.
I think it’s up to you what you do with this. Personally I’d be happy to see if you could put more depth into this as I’d like to see what happens as they get closer. I could imagine it would be fun to write as well.
I really, really loved the sharing of CV’s, mostly the bit right at the end, and the way that yes it showed they were so much alike, but hated each other anyway. It sought of set up the impossibility of the situation. They start of being sad, especially Atelier but Yiazmat seems fairly melancholy about it as well. How are they speaking when they end though? The fact that the dialogue has no description makes it read quicker and that gives me the impression that they are talking faster and louder. The things they end on as well are who they are and what they belief in. What they do and who they owe their allegiance to are things theya re proud of and they sound almost like they have drawn themselves out of the dumps and are speaking affirmations. Especially on Yiazmat’s part. You mention Atelier is wary. If it was me I would have made more of that though.
And to be fair I was kind of hoping that Yiazmat would slap her – Atelier seems to be the more passionate, irrational one of the two. Therefore the one who is going to be harder to reason with or to be sensible when her beliefs are challenged.
The slap was interesting actually because ok, the poor little girl was tied down and all, but you had me expecting it, and thinking she deserved it. Normally things like that make me cringe, but Yiazmat was almost a gentleman about if that makes sense? I don’t think it does? Let’s just settle for the fact that he head a reason for going it, explained what that was and it didn’t seem necessary of gratuitous.
I think it’s up to you what you do with this. Personally I’d be happy to see if you could put more depth into this as I’d like to see what happens as they get closer. I could imagine it would be fun to write as well.
10/12/2009 c5 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, on your A/N question, my personal take was that you should try to flesh Atelier out further as a character. Ditto for Yiazmat as well. As for the possible implications with Flameheart, I don't think it should be a problem if you're wanting to create a riveting nature within both stories. As for the nature of racial hatred portrayed here, I do think it's a good start in trying to include a certain depth in this story. All in all, it's a good chapter albeit I think you could have done a detailed Yiazmat POV on this area as well. As for Yiazmat's attraction towards Atelier, I think you should have done some inner exploration on his own part beforehand. I'm not too sure if you've worked on this aspect in the previous chapters, but I do think that reminding the reader on this area if you truly have done that in the previous chapters would be a good idea since there's pretty much of a large gap in between the update timing for this work. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuWell, on your A/N question, my personal take was that you should try to flesh Atelier out further as a character. Ditto for Yiazmat as well. As for the possible implications with Flameheart, I don't think it should be a problem if you're wanting to create a riveting nature within both stories. As for the nature of racial hatred portrayed here, I do think it's a good start in trying to include a certain depth in this story. All in all, it's a good chapter albeit I think you could have done a detailed Yiazmat POV on this area as well. As for Yiazmat's attraction towards Atelier, I think you should have done some inner exploration on his own part beforehand. I'm not too sure if you've worked on this aspect in the previous chapters, but I do think that reminding the reader on this area if you truly have done that in the previous chapters would be a good idea since there's pretty much of a large gap in between the update timing for this work. :)
9/30/2009 c3 22Erich Sturmburg
Heya, Outlaw02Extreme here,
This chapter is surprisingly a refreshing change compared to the previous two chapters. And the perspective used in this one really intrigues me as no one except yours used it. A good read on this one. I've never managed to pull off a good 1st person view of a prose, so it's interesting how this one goes.
22Erich SturmburgHeya, Outlaw02Extreme here,
This chapter is surprisingly a refreshing change compared to the previous two chapters. And the perspective used in this one really intrigues me as no one except yours used it. A good read on this one. I've never managed to pull off a good 1st person view of a prose, so it's interesting how this one goes.
9/30/2009 c2 Erich Sturmburg
Long time no see o.o
I finally moved my butt off the typing and set on a reviewing spree... at work. O_o
Onto the chapter review. I must say, the first half, it had that chaotic feel, and as I said from the last chapter, had the feel of 'Jeanne D'Arc'. The one on one battle is proably the best part of the chapter, though you may need to differnciate the actions by shifting past and present tense. It may be my weakness of grammatical errors, but it did feel odd when most of the actions were in present tense, when some attacks executed were done after evades, parrying.
Overall, you really have the feel of the battle nailed in. I like how you show that wars at that time were more to a 'Gentleman's war' unlike in recent times where war is just... war.
Keep it up, and I'll head on to the next chapter to review. Don't forget to review back :P Europa Theatre or Anna (WWII Fiction, German side) will do XD
Long time no see o.o
I finally moved my butt off the typing and set on a reviewing spree... at work. O_o
Onto the chapter review. I must say, the first half, it had that chaotic feel, and as I said from the last chapter, had the feel of 'Jeanne D'Arc'. The one on one battle is proably the best part of the chapter, though you may need to differnciate the actions by shifting past and present tense. It may be my weakness of grammatical errors, but it did feel odd when most of the actions were in present tense, when some attacks executed were done after evades, parrying.
Overall, you really have the feel of the battle nailed in. I like how you show that wars at that time were more to a 'Gentleman's war' unlike in recent times where war is just... war.
Keep it up, and I'll head on to the next chapter to review. Don't forget to review back :P Europa Theatre or Anna (WWII Fiction, German side) will do XD
8/23/2009 c4 Tawny Owl
I know Tiamat is a girl’s name, but I’d just learnt how to spell it! I’m quaking at trying to get Yiazmat right without resorting to copying and pasting.
Ho hum.
Getting to see Arcatraz from the outside was exciting. (Hope that doesn’t make me too geeky, but we’ve only ever seen the inside of Maia’s cell before – and a sky prison should look impressive). It didn’t disappoint the whole rabbit warren thing and the creative use of ‘speed cameras’ in the corridor. It came across as a formidable and inhospitable place. And thoroughly unpleasant.
Interesting to see the impact the Corinthos have had on Daim culture too.
Due to my…? The fact that he’s a half breed? Or does he have other embarrassing skeletons in his cupboard?
I liked the pathetic joke of the soldier doing a job that makes him feel uncomfortable. I like how he was completely different from the first soldiers who visited Atelier in the medical centre. You are doing a good job of showing us that things (or people) can’t be put in to boxes. I wonder if we’ll get to see some more Corinthos or Crusaders as well so that Atelier’s isn’t the only perspective that we get.
The character formerly known as Tiamat’s (I’ll attempt it next time) presence at the interrogation could be a good way to develop the characters. Especially as he has admitted to feeling sorry for his prisoner and not approving of torture, and given the shady and sinister reputation of Arcatraz.
The undertaker observation made sense. Having all those people locked up beneath you would have a similar feeling of unknown creepiness.
Hehe – the presumption that the magus would be a man. I’m beginning to wonder if I should be reading this as well as Flamehart though, seeing as in Flamheart Maia hasn’t got to meet Elias yet. Although it could be fun seeing the same scene from different points of view.
Most interesting….
I know Tiamat is a girl’s name, but I’d just learnt how to spell it! I’m quaking at trying to get Yiazmat right without resorting to copying and pasting.
Ho hum.
Getting to see Arcatraz from the outside was exciting. (Hope that doesn’t make me too geeky, but we’ve only ever seen the inside of Maia’s cell before – and a sky prison should look impressive). It didn’t disappoint the whole rabbit warren thing and the creative use of ‘speed cameras’ in the corridor. It came across as a formidable and inhospitable place. And thoroughly unpleasant.
Interesting to see the impact the Corinthos have had on Daim culture too.
Due to my…? The fact that he’s a half breed? Or does he have other embarrassing skeletons in his cupboard?
I liked the pathetic joke of the soldier doing a job that makes him feel uncomfortable. I like how he was completely different from the first soldiers who visited Atelier in the medical centre. You are doing a good job of showing us that things (or people) can’t be put in to boxes. I wonder if we’ll get to see some more Corinthos or Crusaders as well so that Atelier’s isn’t the only perspective that we get.
The character formerly known as Tiamat’s (I’ll attempt it next time) presence at the interrogation could be a good way to develop the characters. Especially as he has admitted to feeling sorry for his prisoner and not approving of torture, and given the shady and sinister reputation of Arcatraz.
The undertaker observation made sense. Having all those people locked up beneath you would have a similar feeling of unknown creepiness.
Hehe – the presumption that the magus would be a man. I’m beginning to wonder if I should be reading this as well as Flamehart though, seeing as in Flamheart Maia hasn’t got to meet Elias yet. Although it could be fun seeing the same scene from different points of view.
Most interesting….
8/20/2009 c4 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Yeah I think I know where the link between this chapter and Flameheart's next chapter will go lol! XD As for the Treaty of Havan, it really seems super identical to the UN nuke treaty. But I guess it's more of a coincidence. And I might have said this before here, but Arcatraz really reminds me of Gitmo lol! :D
Anyway, nothing much of Yiazmat's character being shown here except for snippets of his feelings towards Atelier, which by everybody's guess will trigger into a romance. As for the Doctor, I guess he will play a vital role in both this story and Flameheart. That guy really reminds me of Chemical Ali for some weird reason. If you don't know who this guy is, go wiki. I believe you can find his information here. But I can say for sure that he's actually an important member of the previous Saddam dictatorship who was guilty of gassing tons of Kurds to death if I remember correctly. ;)
Well, it seems that Aldor's decision to sue for peace will meet tons of oppositions from the Senate. I wonder if he's got the power to overturn any vetoes though. That plus Greed might be pulling some strings to ass things up. If he can drive people crazy, then chances are that he can manipulate people to do his bidding as well in a rational state. :S Anyway, it seems that things will be getting really fun here with Elyanna and Atelier being thrown into the fray as well. ;)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuYeah I think I know where the link between this chapter and Flameheart's next chapter will go lol! XD As for the Treaty of Havan, it really seems super identical to the UN nuke treaty. But I guess it's more of a coincidence. And I might have said this before here, but Arcatraz really reminds me of Gitmo lol! :D
Anyway, nothing much of Yiazmat's character being shown here except for snippets of his feelings towards Atelier, which by everybody's guess will trigger into a romance. As for the Doctor, I guess he will play a vital role in both this story and Flameheart. That guy really reminds me of Chemical Ali for some weird reason. If you don't know who this guy is, go wiki. I believe you can find his information here. But I can say for sure that he's actually an important member of the previous Saddam dictatorship who was guilty of gassing tons of Kurds to death if I remember correctly. ;)
Well, it seems that Aldor's decision to sue for peace will meet tons of oppositions from the Senate. I wonder if he's got the power to overturn any vetoes though. That plus Greed might be pulling some strings to ass things up. If he can drive people crazy, then chances are that he can manipulate people to do his bidding as well in a rational state. :S Anyway, it seems that things will be getting really fun here with Elyanna and Atelier being thrown into the fray as well. ;)
7/22/2009 c3 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
Yeah, I can see that. First Maia and now Tiamat.
By the way, Tiamat is a female name, did you not know that? She was the mother of dragons, though I forgot which mythology that belonged to (it definitely isn't Greek, Roman or Norse).
Well, even if you did lose interest, your story remains as awesome as ever.
1Tomoyuki TanakaYeah, I can see that. First Maia and now Tiamat.
By the way, Tiamat is a female name, did you not know that? She was the mother of dragons, though I forgot which mythology that belonged to (it definitely isn't Greek, Roman or Norse).
Well, even if you did lose interest, your story remains as awesome as ever.
7/12/2009 c3 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Me again. :) Well, I'm not too sure about how hard you've experienced in writing this chapter, but I'll have to admit this is my favourite in this work so far on a personal basis. You see I really enjoy a good fantasy read that has a certain depth in human nature, which is why I consider RA Salvatore's Dark Elf trilogy and The Hunter's Blades trilogy as two my my top few reads so far. All in all I truly like the way you portrayed the negative aspects of humanity during war here. In a very real sense, it really reminds me of the historical conflicts between the Protestants and Roman Catholics. Rarely in conflict can one retain his rationality and you present this part of history very well. I'll be truly interested to see if you've got any positive aspects of humane nature coming up for this stpry in the near run, but at the same time, I think this work will be darker than Flameheart in a certain sense. And when Tiamat is going to appear? Anyway, I wonder what will happen to Atelier next. Guess I'll only have to wait. And yeah, I don't like the term hybrid tbh. Reminds me of some random experiment result. tbh I prefer the term half blood. :D
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHerro there. Me again. :) Well, I'm not too sure about how hard you've experienced in writing this chapter, but I'll have to admit this is my favourite in this work so far on a personal basis. You see I really enjoy a good fantasy read that has a certain depth in human nature, which is why I consider RA Salvatore's Dark Elf trilogy and The Hunter's Blades trilogy as two my my top few reads so far. All in all I truly like the way you portrayed the negative aspects of humanity during war here. In a very real sense, it really reminds me of the historical conflicts between the Protestants and Roman Catholics. Rarely in conflict can one retain his rationality and you present this part of history very well. I'll be truly interested to see if you've got any positive aspects of humane nature coming up for this stpry in the near run, but at the same time, I think this work will be darker than Flameheart in a certain sense. And when Tiamat is going to appear? Anyway, I wonder what will happen to Atelier next. Guess I'll only have to wait. And yeah, I don't like the term hybrid tbh. Reminds me of some random experiment result. tbh I prefer the term half blood. :D
7/7/2009 c3 Tawny Owl
Hot lead? Really? Yuk. A good way to show us why Atelier feels so passionately about her cause, and I liked the way it was tied into her being knocked out by the Daim drugs as well, rather than just a wavy screen moment. The classic light and disorientation when she woke up was well done too.
I liked the thought you put into the characters of the nurse and the doctor. They were contrasted well. The way you start challenging Ateliers assumptions straight away makes it feel like the story is going to move quite quick now that we’ve had the initial introductions. There are some bits, mostly with the nurse where it felt like you were changing between present and past tense, and that confused me a bit.
I may be making a fool of myself, but was the mystery man at the end Tiamat? I just don't remember him being a hybrid.
If it was he seemed a lot more, urm, relatable, easier to sympathise with. Possibly both. The first impression I got of him was that he was a bit hard edged, but this softened him up a bit. He seemed genuinely sad, and that made him less intimidating then when we first met him.
If not there's still an interesting character there and I look forward to seeing more of him.
Hot lead? Really? Yuk. A good way to show us why Atelier feels so passionately about her cause, and I liked the way it was tied into her being knocked out by the Daim drugs as well, rather than just a wavy screen moment. The classic light and disorientation when she woke up was well done too.
I liked the thought you put into the characters of the nurse and the doctor. They were contrasted well. The way you start challenging Ateliers assumptions straight away makes it feel like the story is going to move quite quick now that we’ve had the initial introductions. There are some bits, mostly with the nurse where it felt like you were changing between present and past tense, and that confused me a bit.
I may be making a fool of myself, but was the mystery man at the end Tiamat? I just don't remember him being a hybrid.
If it was he seemed a lot more, urm, relatable, easier to sympathise with. Possibly both. The first impression I got of him was that he was a bit hard edged, but this softened him up a bit. He seemed genuinely sad, and that made him less intimidating then when we first met him.
If not there's still an interesting character there and I look forward to seeing more of him.
6/19/2009 c1 2Jonathan Moriarty
Hey anti-climax!
It's been a while. I have a lot of catching up to do with your story. Hehe. I'm finally free of school, so I basically have all the time in the world - sort of. I hope to catch up on Flameheart soon.
Great job at the beginning introducing Atelier. It has a very smooth flow and we get to see a bit of who she is a person.
The word "Doombringers" brought me back to warcraft. By any chance you play DOTA? hehe.
I like the use of familiar historical names and geographic places here. It works very well.
Have to say though that I got confused when the first part was written in past tense, then shifted to present tense somewhere in the middle, then kinda shifted back to past tense at the end. I'm not sure if you intended this though, so just let me know about that.
The seige of San Basamento was written very well. Good job on that. All the imagery and the action was a great read.
Yeah, I myself have never tried a first person point of view before. I tried to recently, but it ended up in third person view in the end. Haha. Will read again soon... :)
2Jonathan MoriartyHey anti-climax!
It's been a while. I have a lot of catching up to do with your story. Hehe. I'm finally free of school, so I basically have all the time in the world - sort of. I hope to catch up on Flameheart soon.
Great job at the beginning introducing Atelier. It has a very smooth flow and we get to see a bit of who she is a person.
The word "Doombringers" brought me back to warcraft. By any chance you play DOTA? hehe.
I like the use of familiar historical names and geographic places here. It works very well.
Have to say though that I got confused when the first part was written in past tense, then shifted to present tense somewhere in the middle, then kinda shifted back to past tense at the end. I'm not sure if you intended this though, so just let me know about that.
The seige of San Basamento was written very well. Good job on that. All the imagery and the action was a great read.
Yeah, I myself have never tried a first person point of view before. I tried to recently, but it ended up in third person view in the end. Haha. Will read again soon... :)