for The Perfect Face2/10/2010 c9 Koolgirl
AWESOME!
AWESOME!
1/20/2010 c8 
13blurrylights
"So I just wanted to say that I won’t update unless I get more reviews… (I know that it sounds a bit selfish and all, but it’s true. Besides, I’m not the only one who does it :P)"
-That line just totally turned me off this story. You, as an author, should not be writing solely for the purpose of reviews. You should be writing because you love it. Giving readers who are loyal to you an ultimatum like that is unfair, and uncouth. And just because other people do it, doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do. It's selfish and rude, to be frank. Writing should be an escape for you. Not something you do just to win the FP popularity contest.
Now that I got that out of my system, onto the review:
I feel like your story has very little continuity. You skip around from event to event so quickly that the reader doesn't get a chance to empathize with the main characters. That's what you want your readers to do. Actually care about the people they are reading about. Currently, I don't particularly care for any of the characters.
Hand in hand with the lack of continuity is the lack of description/development of the places and people. I feel like i know nothing about Lily and Max, and I feel absolutely no chemistry between them either. They've known each other for less than a week, and weren't even together for like three of those days. You didn't explain the beast thing either. It felt forced, and not like in published novel where everything (should) make sense.
The way you introduced the mind-reading thing made it feel like it was an afterthought of yours that you just threw in to make it more interesting or whatever. The transition should be much smoother. Also, how come in the first chapter she was like "omg, there's something wrong, they aren't really from the gov!" and then in the second chapter she was acting all high and mighty because she "knew" that there wasn't imperfection in their community? If she had known, she would have known from the beginning. Another part that requires a bit of editing.
Also, her dying and going to heaven? That doesn't make sense whatsoever. There was no need to put that in, and truthfully, it made your story seem a whole lot more juvenile.
I also thought the Challenge was too easy. Aren't they supposed to make it difficult for the people? And also, where did her scar even come from? I don't remember reading about her getting hurt in the neck. If it happened, it certainly happened way too fast.
GUMS is something else that I think takes away from your story. You have too many simple sentences in a row, and then too many complex sentences in a row. You need to learn how to mix them up and juxtapose them to make it sound better. Run-ons also seem to be a problem.
"I smile, wider than I thought was possible for such a small mouth, and fling my arms around him, so happy that he feels the way I do."
-It could be: I smile, wider then I thought was possible for such a small mouth. I fling my arms around him, so happy he feels the same way I do.
See, a lot of these things can be fixed if you find a beta. They'll point out all these errors and assist you to make it the best you can.
I feel like you do have potential. The idea is interesting (but rushed), the characters seem interesting (but aren't developed enough), and integrating this story into a dystopian society is a good idea (just not explained enough).
This review wasn't meant to hurt you, it was only meant to point out the flaws in an objective manner so you can improve your writing. Like I said, this could become something amazing because you have the building blocks. It just requires more work on your part.
I'm curious to see what you do (if and) when you update.
13blurrylights"So I just wanted to say that I won’t update unless I get more reviews… (I know that it sounds a bit selfish and all, but it’s true. Besides, I’m not the only one who does it :P)"
-That line just totally turned me off this story. You, as an author, should not be writing solely for the purpose of reviews. You should be writing because you love it. Giving readers who are loyal to you an ultimatum like that is unfair, and uncouth. And just because other people do it, doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do. It's selfish and rude, to be frank. Writing should be an escape for you. Not something you do just to win the FP popularity contest.
Now that I got that out of my system, onto the review:
I feel like your story has very little continuity. You skip around from event to event so quickly that the reader doesn't get a chance to empathize with the main characters. That's what you want your readers to do. Actually care about the people they are reading about. Currently, I don't particularly care for any of the characters.
Hand in hand with the lack of continuity is the lack of description/development of the places and people. I feel like i know nothing about Lily and Max, and I feel absolutely no chemistry between them either. They've known each other for less than a week, and weren't even together for like three of those days. You didn't explain the beast thing either. It felt forced, and not like in published novel where everything (should) make sense.
The way you introduced the mind-reading thing made it feel like it was an afterthought of yours that you just threw in to make it more interesting or whatever. The transition should be much smoother. Also, how come in the first chapter she was like "omg, there's something wrong, they aren't really from the gov!" and then in the second chapter she was acting all high and mighty because she "knew" that there wasn't imperfection in their community? If she had known, she would have known from the beginning. Another part that requires a bit of editing.
Also, her dying and going to heaven? That doesn't make sense whatsoever. There was no need to put that in, and truthfully, it made your story seem a whole lot more juvenile.
I also thought the Challenge was too easy. Aren't they supposed to make it difficult for the people? And also, where did her scar even come from? I don't remember reading about her getting hurt in the neck. If it happened, it certainly happened way too fast.
GUMS is something else that I think takes away from your story. You have too many simple sentences in a row, and then too many complex sentences in a row. You need to learn how to mix them up and juxtapose them to make it sound better. Run-ons also seem to be a problem.
"I smile, wider than I thought was possible for such a small mouth, and fling my arms around him, so happy that he feels the way I do."
-It could be: I smile, wider then I thought was possible for such a small mouth. I fling my arms around him, so happy he feels the same way I do.
See, a lot of these things can be fixed if you find a beta. They'll point out all these errors and assist you to make it the best you can.
I feel like you do have potential. The idea is interesting (but rushed), the characters seem interesting (but aren't developed enough), and integrating this story into a dystopian society is a good idea (just not explained enough).
This review wasn't meant to hurt you, it was only meant to point out the flaws in an objective manner so you can improve your writing. Like I said, this could become something amazing because you have the building blocks. It just requires more work on your part.
I'm curious to see what you do (if and) when you update.
1/5/2010 c6 2Lullaby Street
hello there. and welcome back!
anyways, I had to re-read the whole thing to remember it fully and liked this chapter. Confusing, but well like you said cliffhangers are needed sometimes.
I take it Max is going to either be the person in the prologue? That's just a wild guess.
Also, I think she right now is, obviously, with him and he might have some sort of power/ability.
the susanna chick's ability was very unexpected but I didn't get it. She can tell what a person is like, or what is going to happen to them in the future at first glance? was that her power?
anyways, awesome story. very interesting. Keep it up!
~Andy
p.s. I changed my name but I was manola before.
p.p.s. Do you think you could review my stories too? Thanks!
2Lullaby Streethello there. and welcome back!
anyways, I had to re-read the whole thing to remember it fully and liked this chapter. Confusing, but well like you said cliffhangers are needed sometimes.
I take it Max is going to either be the person in the prologue? That's just a wild guess.
Also, I think she right now is, obviously, with him and he might have some sort of power/ability.
the susanna chick's ability was very unexpected but I didn't get it. She can tell what a person is like, or what is going to happen to them in the future at first glance? was that her power?
anyways, awesome story. very interesting. Keep it up!
~Andy
p.s. I changed my name but I was manola before.
p.p.s. Do you think you could review my stories too? Thanks!
10/25/2009 c1 2and she knew love
Hey there! I think this is a great start, and since I don't really know what to write yet, I'm just going to go ahead to the next chapter. I like your descriptions though - very vivid. And I'm curious. Okay, going on now...
2and she knew loveHey there! I think this is a great start, and since I don't really know what to write yet, I'm just going to go ahead to the next chapter. I like your descriptions though - very vivid. And I'm curious. Okay, going on now...
8/18/2009 c1 Little-Mad-Fairy
hm an interesting start i am interested, will have to read more :)
Corey x
hm an interesting start i am interested, will have to read more :)
Corey x
7/31/2009 c2 1Cari Barrymore
Hmm, so that's the story. I wonder what's gonna happen. I feel bad, thios is an intersting story.
1Cari BarrymoreHmm, so that's the story. I wonder what's gonna happen. I feel bad, thios is an intersting story.
7/31/2009 c1 Cari Barrymore
I wonder what she is? Beast? Can read minds? Hair face? Wow, I don't know anything like that. I can't wait to fund out what she is.
I wonder what she is? Beast? Can read minds? Hair face? Wow, I don't know anything like that. I can't wait to fund out what she is.
6/22/2009 c5 14musicalemz74
Nice chapter. I feel like I know Lily pretty well, but not the others as much. I'd love to see what their personalities are like more by showing what Lily has found out of them by reading their minds.
14musicalemz74Nice chapter. I feel like I know Lily pretty well, but not the others as much. I'd love to see what their personalities are like more by showing what Lily has found out of them by reading their minds.
6/21/2009 c5 2alexa-xox
LOL...you're message was nice to read; it's nice to know that you are eager to take in other people's reviews into account! Though by means of a constructive review i doubt i'll be much use.
Okay now onto a review ^_^:
I think Lily's character is great, she seems realistic and has a great leadership quality about her. She care's about the people she's just met and her special abilities make her really interesting to read about. Max is also really amazing...i dunno I always find myself liking one of the male characters the most :P I also like Tomo. I dislike Shusanna the most, i don't know why - it's most probably her attitude towards Lily, especially when she was acting so impatient.
Kepp up the great work!
Have a superb summer!
xox
2alexa-xoxLOL...you're message was nice to read; it's nice to know that you are eager to take in other people's reviews into account! Though by means of a constructive review i doubt i'll be much use.
Okay now onto a review ^_^:
I think Lily's character is great, she seems realistic and has a great leadership quality about her. She care's about the people she's just met and her special abilities make her really interesting to read about. Max is also really amazing...i dunno I always find myself liking one of the male characters the most :P I also like Tomo. I dislike Shusanna the most, i don't know why - it's most probably her attitude towards Lily, especially when she was acting so impatient.
Kepp up the great work!
Have a superb summer!
xox
6/16/2009 c1 14musicalemz74
Oops, sorry I meant it would be nice to be able to see whatever Lily is hearing when she reads someone's mind.
14musicalemz74Oops, sorry I meant it would be nice to be able to see whatever Lily is hearing when she reads someone's mind.