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3/3/2011 c5 20Twilight Starr
I like the title. I think that many children dream about flying. I think you really got into the character's mind. The descriptive detail was great. Excellent work.
3/3/2011 c4 Twilight Starr
This entry draws images to mind. Wow. This was well-written and made the reader wonder how it was going to end. It was excellent in describing survivor's guilt and sadness. I ca't think of anything that needs improved. Nice work.
3/3/2011 c3 Twilight Starr
Wow. This was sad. I don't really know what to say about it. It did express feelings of someone who feels hopelessness. I think people can relate to feelings of hopelessness. Sorry, no constructive criticism. I do think the poem is nicely put together.
3/3/2011 c2 Twilight Starr
Judging by this entry and the last entry, you are fantastic at expressing emotions. It makes me think of Lucifer. The ending sentence "Evil always wins" doesn't really fit as the ending for me. Even though it does fit with the entry, it seems strange to go there to me, but I don't know where it should be, so maybe I should keep my mouth shut. . .
3/3/2011 c1 Twilight Starr
I didn't find it confusing. I thought it was well-written and expressed the feelings of dying well. I wonder what happened to her boyfriend. Her final thought was expressed well because sometimes we don't get a clean ending to say everything we want to say or finish our sentences. Excellent work.
12/8/2009 c5 21Sercus Kaynine
The word choice and description worked well with this piece; it made it seem surreal. The theme of flying was catchy and was a sort of hook. :)

Good job and good luck with WCC! :)
12/4/2009 c5 9Narq
A very sad, piogant (is that how you spell it?) story indeed.

It was very good. I liked the idea behind it.

I do have critism to offer, however, and hope you are not offended. I realised that you were on a tell and not show tangent. A lot of this was telling, how the mother told the child she was the problem of all sources, how she cold the child everything and ect, You could have used dialogue, to actually show it. Dialogue not only helps showing, (which makes the story even MORe interesting), it also helps readers sympathise.

Here, let me demonstrate:

" So I stand still and allow her to rant and rage at me. She kicks me a few times, taking out all her pent up anger on me."

To show (sorry for the mistakes and probably it's a bit overdone):

My body went rigid, shoulders hunched.

"Stupid girl!" she shouted. She lashed out.

My cheek smarted.

"Bitch!" she screamed, and her hand flashed.

My shoulder met the wall. Thump. Sprawled across the floor she kicked me. My own mother.

yeah, and so on.

Good luck on WCC!

12/4/2009 c5 22Mizzuz Spock
I really like how we get into the character's head. We get a clear picture of how Alex is pushed towards suicide, though I, personally, found it strange that she didn't have any doubts while standing up there on the cliff, taking in the beautiful sights around her. That being said, it also opened up her personality: seeing how beautiful the world looks reminds her of how cruel life is, and she is instead encouraged by the beauty.

Your "wilderness" scenes painted pictures in my head that would probably go in National Geographic. Bravo! Very descriptive, though I didn't feel too over-the-top.

However, I didn't much care for the info-dumping about the mom and why she hates the daughter, especially since this is such a short story, though I see why it was necessary to tell the reader these things, so Alex's drastic move in the end would be justified.

This is a really depressing piece, but I enjoyed the ending. (Even though it isn't exactly the route I'd choose.) It ended the story on a sad note, but it was oddly satisfying to see her finally happy.

Good luck in WCC! :]
12/3/2009 c5 8Lea Ai
Wow...this was really depressing. ;-) That said, you are an amazing writer. Your word choices and descriptions are beautiful. I loved the line: "This is the loudest silence I have ever experienced." And your overall description of your character was unique-especially her eyes.

I truly felt for this girl that you created - so unloved, such a horrible life. In such a short story, you made her real. I do kind of feel like she gave in to her tormentors in the end-gave them what they "wanted". She seems like such a strong girl, having withstood so much pain with such high mental clarity for so many years-so the ending kind of seemed out of character to me. I was sure that her "decision" after the abuse by her mom was that she would run away and start her life. Not saying that you did a bad job with writing her motivation-the story definitely lent itself to the ending-I was just disappointed with her final choice. But then, I am a sucker for a good old-fashioned happy ending :-D. (And, for obvious reasons, I'm not a fan of suicide...)

Anyway, you are an amazing writer, and I definitely would not be surprised if you win for December. Good luck!

12/3/2009 c5 11HiddenFromYou
This was excellent. You got the feelings of pain, of despair, and finally of freedom across really well, and set the scene in such a way that I could almost see what was happening.

One small thing: why does she pack her bags when, the next morning, she leaves everything behind? Or am I missing something?
8/18/2009 c2 Disabled Account sdf
Nice take on 'Paradise Lost'! Very good. :-)
8/9/2009 c4 1k+Faithless Juliet
I enjoyed the overall theme of this piece; that mistakes can change a life, and there are always consequences to every action. I also liked the temperance message.

Personally, I’m not a fan of the snippet-type of structure to the piece. I actually think if you took out the line breaks it would have made the story more smooth. As is, I had to stop each time I saw one, and it made it hard to form a corilation between one section and the next. Overall, this was nicely done. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

8/7/2009 c4 2dragonflydreamer
Interesting idea. I've come across a lot of car crash stories with one person surviving and such, but they're usually about friends or lovers. The fact that he's family was a nice twist on this idea.

I like how how you started this. The description was beautiful and really drew me into the mood of the story. At the same time, I had little idea about what the story would be about. With all the mention of "beauty," I thought it might have something to do with aging, but I was immediately pulled in to read on and figure out.

My main confusion about this was your reference to the brother only as "he." Early on, I had no idea who "he" was, then later on with the mention of her lover, I thought the car crash had been with him until the end.

[She lwas silent for we] Just a typo.

Good luck in the competition! I haven't read any of the other entries, but this was very well-written. I think it definitely has a good chance :)

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
7/29/2009 c3 36Kate Marshall
At the end, I like how you used the prompt. "She knows her hour is past." The reference to the quote while comparing life to an hour is spectacular. Wonderful thought. I love that. ;)

"to the empty shell that is now her" I don't really like that line. First, because isn't "her" functioning as a predicate nominative? If so, it should be "she" for the nominative case. Second, because even with 'she', it doesn't sound right. The wording could be much better.

So I think there were some unnecessary words in there. The writing felt a little busy. I would get tripped up on certain lines while I read.

You had some nice metaphors! I thought those descriptions were tied in smoothly and didn't interrupt the flow. It added good imagery, too. Very nice!

-Peach. Review Squader for the RM!
7/29/2009 c2 Kate Marshall
I like this whole concept. The drawn-out scene sort of based on an internal struggle against 'good' or 'evil' (as cheesy as it may sound) was neat. I thought it was accurate. We as humans are sometimes weak like that, choosing our selfishness over anything else. I thought the concept was rather believable. :)

The writing may have been a wee bit too wordy here and there. Was this prose, by the way? It felt like that in places. (If it was, then I can excuse some of the wordiness for poetic diction. :P) But if it wasn't, some of the sentences could have been written clearer to make the words stronger.

I loved some of your lines! "we are many, and yet we are none." "together, we are life." You had some really cool lines in there that sounded *fantastic* in the context. :) Very neat.

-Peach. Review Squader for the RM!
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