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8/26/2010 c4 2deerka-m
i very much so like the concept of this story but i've got one question. Do you intend to finish it? i mean, you haven't updated since last year so... D8

Anyway. Just reviewing to review. Awesome concept, like i said. I likes it muchly.
8/21/2009 c4 1patsylooj
Hey, if you take the 'derm' way from 'dermis' and replace it with a 'p', it spells 'penis'. I only say this because when I read the title I chuckled in a dirty way and didn't quite know why.

What's wrong with Prudence? Or Prue...I adore that nickname, so cute. Anyway, she's praying all intensely (Great opening scene by the way. I could imagine the light casted on her really well and there was something truly wrenching about it.) "Dear Prudence" keeps resurfacing in my head, which leads to thoughts about Asian lesbians. Across the Universe reference, sorry. "...so helpless when she wishes for things she cannot have back." All this wishing, though, is it about her father? Or maybe how she's known her family until recently?

"Droplets of shower water drip down his cheek, reminding Verity too much of the hot burn of someone else's tears landing there." Sweet ass mofo line. I bet Verity looks like a hottie mctottie when wet.


P.S. This whole kitchen scene...just...well, it's something simple and potentially boring, but the tension in there and the cracked perfection makes it really good and actually realistic. You do well with the details most people leave out in fear of boredom - like me - but with this I feel like I'm sitting at the table.

"Splashes of agonized emotion paint her face. Anger, suffering, confusion — it is the look of someone desperate to find driftwood to cling to in the middle of a tempestuous sea."

Cool line. Poor Prue, I want to know what this donkey did to her. And her refusal of Verity's embrace? Gaw.

Hee hee, I liked it when Verity threw the pillow. I don't know, don't judge me.

"Mindless wandering can't cure any of his afflictions but the pretty landscape of picture-perfect houses and well-trimmed lawns distracts him from the brain-bending conundrums of life."

Conundrums? Come on, how amazing is that word.

Verity walking through that immaculate suburbia as night falls instilled this cool feeling the instant I read it. Something about that just made the scenery so easy to imagine and really heightened my READING EXPERIENCE. (I had to put that in caps because it seemed like a really dramatic thing to say. I think it’s the word experience, but...) Come on, if a character is walking around anywhere and night falls...foreboding, man. I had this whole American Beauty thing going on in my head, like the cow bell theme music and stuff. I seriously went and downloaded music from that movie in the middle of reading this - so perfect.

Nice comparison between the booming house and coursing blood.

I love Verity’s random appearance at parties. Like, he just happens upon one and busts inside then gets molested by a girl with blue nail polish - another detail I was attracted to in particular, can't say why.

Verity, Verity, Verity. You knew you were going to screw Vice, Verity. What else is he supposed to do to get out of his skin? (Liked the line about that by the way.) I'm really interested to see how Verity germinates as a character.

"The vortex that is Vice threatens to suck him in, but he doesn't plan on allowing the maelstrom to trap him once again."

Tempestuous sea, maelstrom, you're on a roll.

"For now, he needs to plunge headfirst into the deep end, even if he has to smash himself to pieces to get there."

Stomach-churning thought. Verity, Verity, Verity, gotta find a way out.

But I love how Vice stops him from drinking anymore. I mean...they go sex it up, but he still stops him! Those little things Vice does intrigue me so much. His "human" side, I guess.


"It muddies the melodious quality of her voice and, suddenly, she is all bite."

Beautiful prose.

Like I already said, I am so FASCINATED by Vice and his screwy little traits that shine through. You even say he laughs in a secretive manner. Another thing I laughed at for some reason: When Verity wants to figure out the "puzzle" of Vice, he moves to touch him, and I was immediately like, so all the answers are procured through making out? Epiphanies during sex. Well, I'm not sure as to what he was about to do, but I love it. Sometimes that's the answer.

Sunday mornings suck balls.


Aw, good ol' Prue. Let me tell you, waking up on Sunday with an extremely strong desire to NOT go to church: The worst. I felt Verity there, man. Soul to soul. Except for the alcohol scented clothes and hickey part.

Let me just finish off with saying that I am thoroughly jealous of your ability to write something that flows so amazingly well. It just...goes. You're writing is freaking eloquent.

Ugh, I am so fuhckin ready for autumn, too! God forsaken land of Mickey Mouse is more like a boiling lava pit.

I'm so glad to help you dearie. :) I seriously enjoy your writing so much.

I want more.
8/17/2009 c3 patsylooj
First off, sweet ass chapter title. And I'm a ridiculous mood.

I hate it when kids hands hover over food. I imagine them picking their nose or itching their butt beforehand.

PRUDENCE GONNA GET RAPED. I really want Verity to beat the sneezes out of someone.

Mm, I love the description of a "serrated edge voice". Verity's anger amuses me. He's just horny. Or maybe he was molested by a priest in his past.

WHAT DUMB KID WANTS OATMEAL COOKIES? Freak. Beat his booty, Verity.

Father Thomas definitely molested him, and Mary knows. Just putting this out there, that girl skeeves me out. Maybe if she wore shoes that weren't part of a Catholic girl's uniform...Nice girl, nonetheless.

HAHA YES. Bible quotes. So fun. And, seriously, trust me, hearing quotes from your mother when you're about to explode...torture.

Oh, Verity, escaping to the grocery store like a housewife.

"Fury is a cycle: it takes energy to be angry and anger drains energy."

Wise words.


P.S. Vice Blake has a catchy ring to it. And I absolutely adore him at a market. There's something alarmingly perfect about it.

I like how Verity gets hit on by this terrifying human being then rushes away pushing his cart. Like, I don't know if anyone noticed, but this whole thing has an undertone of hilarity.


:D Love that boy.

"Embarrassment and rage sparks, burns, sizzles on his face."

Notable way of describing such a thing.


Oh, Vice. I really wanted him to add "FOR MY JUNK" at the end of the sweet tooth statement.

God, they get all touchy-touchy in the most inappropriate locations.

So...WRITE MORE PLEASE. This was absolutely lovely. You just write so damn well. No clutter, and there's nothing plain about the writing. I really like what you have going between these two here, because it's like...not the generic, COME RAVAGE MY SOUL/BUTT SATANIC SEX GOD from Verity. He actually has honest issues, and it's like when he's trembling at the end, I don't immediately think, oh, it's because he wants Vice so bad, and with many others stories that would be the case. No, there's more between them. They're kinda screwed in a special way. Okay, I can't think of much more to blabber about at the moment.

8/10/2009 c3 That's All She Wrote
Amazing-ness story. Keep it up!
7/25/2009 c1 sareglassgmail.com
For the sake realism, you probably shouldn't refer to the head of their church as "reverend", that's more of a Southern Baptist term.

Catholics usually call their priests "father". Like Father Joe and Father Kelly etc.

Also, Catholics go to "mass" instead of "church". Not that it makes much difference either way.

These details are really minor, but they tend to take away from the story a bit. (I've been subjected to ten years of Catholic schooling, so it's probably slightly more obvious to me.)

Forgive my ranting if you knew this already.
7/21/2009 c2 patsylooj
Oh, you added so much! What a treat.

The first sentence is just so cool. I mean, that sound so gay, but seriously, it's cool. The wording and everything. It's very unconventional, which makes it all the better. I can't stress it enough that you accomplish an insanely difficult style in this story.

"...skewer of juicy topics..."

Awesome, awesome imagery.

I adore the Mary Santos scene, with the connotation of her name and the shoes and...something about it just makes you mourn terribly for Verity.

"Everybody's just a secondary source of a secondary source of a secondary source of a secondary source of information."

:) God, one of my favorite ways of expressing something. A repetitive train of one phrase.

"From afar, Verity Whyte is the spitting image of an angel. "Speak of the devil," Vice murmurs, chuckling under his breath."

Irony, FTW.

And, damn, I forgot that Verity could get feisty. I'd like to see that boy go bonkers. The whole touchy scene between the boys was just like...constant shivers. Your writing doesn't let up at all in the presence of...um...sexual tension, to be blunt. And I think a lot of people forget to try in parts like that, assuming that the simple fact of touching will keep the reader interested. Which is true in some cases. Sadly. You give a point to it.

Prue is an adorable nickname. Poor dear.

"Dad - the taboo word seems to echo in the silence."

That's the way to do it, man! In the face of stereotype, acknowledge it.

The sibling relationship...I like it. It's good to have, especially in a story like this.

Oh, I checked out the dream dictionary and tried to see if it matched up with the dream sequence in my story. Kind of failed. No matter, that nightmare was busted already.

I really can't adequately review this story. Every single line is so well written; you seriously have devotion to this thing.. I'm itching to read more and see Vice eat out Verity's soul. ;D (I actually did not mean for that to sound dirty. But it does.)
7/16/2009 c2 110001110101010101101
Excellent, excellent chapter-the gossip similie rocked. One thing-I like the Mr. Right Now/Mr. Good Little Church Boy thing, but be careful not to overuse it.

Also, is Ellen the brown-haired girl? It's kind of unclear.

The word choice in this chapter is simply fantastic; everything flows, and it sounds great. I was tempted to read it allowed.

Verity is an excellent character. He might be my favorite to read because of the sheer amount of anger he radiates. It's mesmerizing in a realistic way, and it's yummy.

Vice and Ellen's conversation is really well-done, as is Verity and Vice's encounter. A bit of advice there: I think Verity was a little too responsive. He'd hate himself WAY too much for that. My one piece of advice is to watch overdoing your minor characters, Ellen/The brown-haired girl (same person) are excellent, but Mary didn't do it for me.

Prudence was good too, but a little one-dimensional-everyone has at least a *bit* of a backbone when their family is concerned unless they're abused or something of the kind. Also, I feel like Verity should be a bit more of a good brother, a sort of I-can't-tell-you-anything-but-it's-us-against-the-world kind of thing. Or maybe I'm just telling you what to do with your story. It's totally your call, I just felt like their dynamic was too unrealistic. It was good overall-especially the end-but no one's just gonna sit there and watch their sister cry without doing anything, even if the response is bad (I think.)

It was seriously awesome, though. I feel like this is definitely your most realistic slash-fic to date, and also probably the best. Looking forward to the next chapter :)
5/10/2009 c1 patsylooj
I said it before, I'll say it again:


Seriously, you have improved tremendously. You're taking a leap into this style that calls for some more coherent thought and concentration, so I really admire you for that.

Random description I love: "He's stuffed into a crisp button-down, trapped in dress slacks, noosed by a black tie."

1, 2, 3. ;]

There are seriously too many lines to quote. I can see that you actually CARED when you wrote this, haha. Even after reading it twice, I keep noticing new things that were even there initially. That's some fuckin' substance, man.

:3 I'm enormously ecstatic to read more.
5/10/2009 c1 1angst muffin
favorite line: 'They could be a regular Romeo and Juliet. But Vice doesn't star in love stories; he wrecks them.'

this is awesome! :) i can't wait for the next chapter! (and chuck palahniuk kicks ass. ;D)
5/10/2009 c1 110001110101010101101
Wow. It works.

I think this is probably the best piece of slash you've ever written-I'm impressed :D I really like the characters, especially the girl. It really switches moods very well-I was seeing different colors behind my eyes when we switched from the party to the church. The atmospheres were pretty perfect, especially since I don't think you know either of them too well.

Awesome job. I like how you do this kind of writing; more? * puppyface *

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