for Of Proud Spirits and Losses at Night11/21/2010 c4 Holly Jay Platt
Chapter 3:
"Lilianna's long, dark, hair." - I was under the impression that she was blond. I may have just imagined it.
It's probably just because they're best friends, but Alyson is more than a bit too forward with Lili.
"He merely had to show up, saw his vows, and" - Your "saw" should be "say."
Thank you for explaining the gap between the wedding and Titanic's maiden (and only) voyage.
At the description of Lili's appearance, my thoughts changed. Less Alice in Wonderland (2010) and more Leo Tolstoy's "Anna Karenina." I congradulate you. :) One thing, though - shouldn't she be wearing gloves? Scandalous!
"You seem unimpressed with what you see." - You forgot the closing quotation marks.
"I will see you in two days time." - Apostrophe at the end of "days," please.
Note: Your heading (decorations, title, chapter) takes up too much space.
-Holly J.
Chapter 3:
"Lilianna's long, dark, hair." - I was under the impression that she was blond. I may have just imagined it.
It's probably just because they're best friends, but Alyson is more than a bit too forward with Lili.
"He merely had to show up, saw his vows, and" - Your "saw" should be "say."
Thank you for explaining the gap between the wedding and Titanic's maiden (and only) voyage.
At the description of Lili's appearance, my thoughts changed. Less Alice in Wonderland (2010) and more Leo Tolstoy's "Anna Karenina." I congradulate you. :) One thing, though - shouldn't she be wearing gloves? Scandalous!
"You seem unimpressed with what you see." - You forgot the closing quotation marks.
"I will see you in two days time." - Apostrophe at the end of "days," please.
Note: Your heading (decorations, title, chapter) takes up too much space.
-Holly J.
11/21/2010 c3 Holly Jay Platt
Chapter 2
I have to say, I had to refer to Chapter 1 right off the bat. I, along with many other people, don't pay any attention to dates when they're supplied. If I were you, I'd just note "so many days/months later..." blah blah blah. Something I noticed: will they not be going to Philedalphia until the next year? Or will they have already been to America, visited the family in London, then go on the Titanic to return to the US? My brain is reeling!
"Her parents had retired home hours ago to sleep" - take out "home." Better flow.
"shoving the covers aside as she hurriedly pulled her dressing gown" - ... I thought she doesn't know how to dress herself...?
"eyes to the ceiling, He wasn't sure why" - That"s a comma there. Fix it.
"What did one say to the woman they were to marry – when he knew nothing more than her name, and that she was supposedly "docile and sweet"?" - You started the sentence with "one", so continue it with "one." You changed to "he."
You should say how old Jane is. Sometimes, she seems 6, others, she seems 15 or 16.
"He had found plenty of ladies with pleasurable company." - Sounds like he's a man-whore.
-Holly j.
Chapter 2
I have to say, I had to refer to Chapter 1 right off the bat. I, along with many other people, don't pay any attention to dates when they're supplied. If I were you, I'd just note "so many days/months later..." blah blah blah. Something I noticed: will they not be going to Philedalphia until the next year? Or will they have already been to America, visited the family in London, then go on the Titanic to return to the US? My brain is reeling!
"Her parents had retired home hours ago to sleep" - take out "home." Better flow.
"shoving the covers aside as she hurriedly pulled her dressing gown" - ... I thought she doesn't know how to dress herself...?
"eyes to the ceiling, He wasn't sure why" - That"s a comma there. Fix it.
"What did one say to the woman they were to marry – when he knew nothing more than her name, and that she was supposedly "docile and sweet"?" - You started the sentence with "one", so continue it with "one." You changed to "he."
You should say how old Jane is. Sometimes, she seems 6, others, she seems 15 or 16.
"He had found plenty of ladies with pleasurable company." - Sounds like he's a man-whore.
-Holly j.
11/21/2010 c2 Holly Jay Platt
As I read, things I noticed:
"Now go find something to do and leave your mother and I in peace." - Should be "leave your mother and me in peace." Always take out the other subject when unsure and see if it still works. ("leave I in peace" versus "leave me in peace")
"or the sort to gamble away his money without much of a though?" - Should be "thought"
"But perhaps it would be enough to easy Alyson's concern somewhat;" - "easy" should probably replace the y with an e to make it "ease".
THANK YOU for not naming your main, female, British character "Elizabeth." It seems to be all the rage nowadays. :)
This feels very... Alice in Wonderland (2010). It's probably just because of Lili's charactarization thus far into the story.
I don't usually read historical fiction, but I'll be checking up on your little deails. (For instance, were scissors invented yet? Wikipedia!)
So far, I'm enjoying this story. Now... To the next chapter, away!
-Holly J.
As I read, things I noticed:
"Now go find something to do and leave your mother and I in peace." - Should be "leave your mother and me in peace." Always take out the other subject when unsure and see if it still works. ("leave I in peace" versus "leave me in peace")
"or the sort to gamble away his money without much of a though?" - Should be "thought"
"But perhaps it would be enough to easy Alyson's concern somewhat;" - "easy" should probably replace the y with an e to make it "ease".
THANK YOU for not naming your main, female, British character "Elizabeth." It seems to be all the rage nowadays. :)
This feels very... Alice in Wonderland (2010). It's probably just because of Lili's charactarization thus far into the story.
I don't usually read historical fiction, but I'll be checking up on your little deails. (For instance, were scissors invented yet? Wikipedia!)
So far, I'm enjoying this story. Now... To the next chapter, away!
-Holly J.
9/12/2010 c1 chermainey
beautiful.=)
beautiful.=)
4/2/2010 c37 Princessa
You should really get this published! It's really good and a lot of people would like it. Also, history is added into it. I never knew that the Carpathia saved the Titanic. It was interesting and you really redid the experience- there was heartache, sadness, grief, etc. The arranged marriage was a fun twist too. Especially at the beginning when they really didn't get along. Samuel was a different type of character to add to the story/plot too. I hope you get to finish other stories as great as this. It was wonderful and seemed real. I couldn't take my eyes off it!
You should really get this published! It's really good and a lot of people would like it. Also, history is added into it. I never knew that the Carpathia saved the Titanic. It was interesting and you really redid the experience- there was heartache, sadness, grief, etc. The arranged marriage was a fun twist too. Especially at the beginning when they really didn't get along. Samuel was a different type of character to add to the story/plot too. I hope you get to finish other stories as great as this. It was wonderful and seemed real. I couldn't take my eyes off it!
1/28/2010 c37 Moons
I was transfixed by the climax that I read through midnight xD I could care less for William's family, they're ignorant! But it's a pity that Harrison had to die, I can't help but imagine how their life would be if he'd lived. Well, an end's an end, a good ending nonetheless~ Even without Harrison, it just show how strong your heroin was.
I was transfixed by the climax that I read through midnight xD I could care less for William's family, they're ignorant! But it's a pity that Harrison had to die, I can't help but imagine how their life would be if he'd lived. Well, an end's an end, a good ending nonetheless~ Even without Harrison, it just show how strong your heroin was.
1/7/2010 c37 Maelys
I loved this story! It was intense and deep! I look forward to read anything written by you!
I loved this story! It was intense and deep! I look forward to read anything written by you!
1/6/2010 c8 
2OtoChan2009
Ah gawd, i just think liliana is so...unreasonable! i mean all this thinking about him hitting her is totally getting on my nerves =_=! damn her!
2OtoChan2009Ah gawd, i just think liliana is so...unreasonable! i mean all this thinking about him hitting her is totally getting on my nerves =_=! damn her!
1/3/2010 c7 OtoChan2009
This is a beautifully written story :) I've enjoyed it so far and i can't wait to read more of it. I'm surprised you haven't gotten more reviews for this :)! Thank you for posting it ^_^V
This is a beautifully written story :) I've enjoyed it so far and i can't wait to read more of it. I'm surprised you haven't gotten more reviews for this :)! Thank you for posting it ^_^V
12/15/2009 c24 Autumnne Rose Hyoushou
This is on my top 5 best written stories that I have found in my 5 years or so ever since I began reading on the internet.
The fact that Titanic was used, could have been a cause of a cliché but you broke that by adding another side of a picture that represents the unique kind of romance that can develop and blossom with the touch of a historical legend.
I hated and loved the characters, I was annoyed and yet I pitied some, I loathed other from beginning to end. To be able to bring such emotions to a reader, I consider it a great thing.
I feel bad for Kayleigh and would have wanted her to be with Harrison, but alas, all that ends too well, always seems boring and repeated. I actually thought William had died at one point, and felt almost the same sadness that Liliana had, though upon reading about his struggles to get to her... it made me jump from my seat and cheer on him, on both of them.
I recommended this to several friends of mine and will recommend it to those who wish to read such wonderful stories. I hope to see more stories from you. All the best wished from me... From a writer, to another. ^^
This is on my top 5 best written stories that I have found in my 5 years or so ever since I began reading on the internet.
The fact that Titanic was used, could have been a cause of a cliché but you broke that by adding another side of a picture that represents the unique kind of romance that can develop and blossom with the touch of a historical legend.
I hated and loved the characters, I was annoyed and yet I pitied some, I loathed other from beginning to end. To be able to bring such emotions to a reader, I consider it a great thing.
I feel bad for Kayleigh and would have wanted her to be with Harrison, but alas, all that ends too well, always seems boring and repeated. I actually thought William had died at one point, and felt almost the same sadness that Liliana had, though upon reading about his struggles to get to her... it made me jump from my seat and cheer on him, on both of them.
I recommended this to several friends of mine and will recommend it to those who wish to read such wonderful stories. I hope to see more stories from you. All the best wished from me... From a writer, to another. ^^
12/8/2009 c37 bookwrm
Gahahadjhsdjskh...
What a wonderfully written story!
I was so sad that not everyone survived from your characters, but I applaud the fact that its more realistic that way. It just made me a teensy bit sad :)
Excellent story and keep up the good work!
Gahahadjhsdjskh...
What a wonderfully written story!
I was so sad that not everyone survived from your characters, but I applaud the fact that its more realistic that way. It just made me a teensy bit sad :)
Excellent story and keep up the good work!
12/7/2009 c37 Moonlight1605
I was hoping for more chapters before the end. I was expecting more challenges for our heroes. This was a decent ending though.
I was hoping for more chapters before the end. I was expecting more challenges for our heroes. This was a decent ending though.
12/5/2009 c5 38Utah Dynamo
"i wash my hand of you" ouch disownment! i love titanic and the time period i''l keep on reading
38Utah Dynamo"i wash my hand of you" ouch disownment! i love titanic and the time period i''l keep on reading