for My Reflection6/5/2011 c1 
7parameister
I like it, the characters are awesome!
There is a lot of dialog.. maybe try for more detail?
3 :)
7parameisterI like it, the characters are awesome!
There is a lot of dialog.. maybe try for more detail?
3 :)
10/5/2010 c1 11Lord Slayer
An interesting piece, however there are several things that could be improved.
First of all, you need to proofread carefully. Spelling wasn't really an issue, but you and commas don't seem to get along, especially in dialogue. The importance of proofreading is even more imperative if you are writing only a little bit at a time, which seems to be the case here.
The second and third problems go together: Setting and description. This is a common mistake with new writers, but it's critical. It is very difficult to understand where we are at any point in the story until Crystal moves on to the next location. We know nothing of the ship that they arrived in other than its picky about who flies her, we have no sense of the city or it's layout, or what the characters look like. This is especially frustrating in the case of the creature? man? who hates Russian.
Another important point is that you seem to forget stuff. For example,
"Sometimes it takes ages for the ability to activate, but once it does, it never goes away. As you can probably guess, the captain's ability is to turn into a cat."
In all truthfulness, no we can't. This particular instance, I'm assuming, goes back to description.
My final quip concerns the plauge that you mentioned.
"The kelshiræ plague hit everyone awhile back and caused a lot of deaths until someone randomly discovered that mint could cure the symptoms, and help recovery."
I'm sorry, but that's a little weak. Of course a plauge would cause a lot of deaths, and the description of what it does in the next paragraph or so doesn't go into much detail, especially these so-called fatal side effects. Worse is the thing about "some guy randomly discovered that mint is the secret cure." It implies laziness on the author's part, and even if it isn't a major part of the story, it at least deserves a bit more indepth explanation if you're going to bother mentioning it at all. It may even be better to just mention it in passing and then move on.
Now that I'm done nitpicking, I can say that I enjoyed this story. This strange new world is intriguing (which makes the lack of description about it all the more frustrating), and your main character is likeable and interesting. I have no idea how much experience you have in writing, but this is a really good early attempt and has a lot of potential to become a very fun and exciting story.
I hope that you are able to update soon.
11Lord SlayerAn interesting piece, however there are several things that could be improved.
First of all, you need to proofread carefully. Spelling wasn't really an issue, but you and commas don't seem to get along, especially in dialogue. The importance of proofreading is even more imperative if you are writing only a little bit at a time, which seems to be the case here.
The second and third problems go together: Setting and description. This is a common mistake with new writers, but it's critical. It is very difficult to understand where we are at any point in the story until Crystal moves on to the next location. We know nothing of the ship that they arrived in other than its picky about who flies her, we have no sense of the city or it's layout, or what the characters look like. This is especially frustrating in the case of the creature? man? who hates Russian.
Another important point is that you seem to forget stuff. For example,
"Sometimes it takes ages for the ability to activate, but once it does, it never goes away. As you can probably guess, the captain's ability is to turn into a cat."
In all truthfulness, no we can't. This particular instance, I'm assuming, goes back to description.
My final quip concerns the plauge that you mentioned.
"The kelshiræ plague hit everyone awhile back and caused a lot of deaths until someone randomly discovered that mint could cure the symptoms, and help recovery."
I'm sorry, but that's a little weak. Of course a plauge would cause a lot of deaths, and the description of what it does in the next paragraph or so doesn't go into much detail, especially these so-called fatal side effects. Worse is the thing about "some guy randomly discovered that mint is the secret cure." It implies laziness on the author's part, and even if it isn't a major part of the story, it at least deserves a bit more indepth explanation if you're going to bother mentioning it at all. It may even be better to just mention it in passing and then move on.
Now that I'm done nitpicking, I can say that I enjoyed this story. This strange new world is intriguing (which makes the lack of description about it all the more frustrating), and your main character is likeable and interesting. I have no idea how much experience you have in writing, but this is a really good early attempt and has a lot of potential to become a very fun and exciting story.
I hope that you are able to update soon.
8/13/2010 c1 allegro rao
Considering some of the stuff I put up for Varadon is like 10,0 per chapter, I don't know why I found this a little long. Then again the length was just fine. Needless to say I found this an interesting set up. Some of the 'chi' concepts and the cat captain if albeit a little confusing in my opinion but as with Velvet Sky, I am interested in this not to stop reading it. Doesn't mean I hate this. I quite like it acutally and would be willing to read more of this. It's an original story so far (in my opinion)and it's a fantasy story, which is the kind of genre I love 'cause on fictionpress, Fantasy stories can be more than just genericly themed sword n sorcery stuff.
Keep it up. If you decided to update, I shall be waiting to see the second chapter of My Reflection
Considering some of the stuff I put up for Varadon is like 10,0 per chapter, I don't know why I found this a little long. Then again the length was just fine. Needless to say I found this an interesting set up. Some of the 'chi' concepts and the cat captain if albeit a little confusing in my opinion but as with Velvet Sky, I am interested in this not to stop reading it. Doesn't mean I hate this. I quite like it acutally and would be willing to read more of this. It's an original story so far (in my opinion)and it's a fantasy story, which is the kind of genre I love 'cause on fictionpress, Fantasy stories can be more than just genericly themed sword n sorcery stuff.
Keep it up. If you decided to update, I shall be waiting to see the second chapter of My Reflection
12/6/2009 c1 15Cassie1521
This was really good. However, you're like me. You develop characters through dialog. This story craves more detail, more imagery to put the reader into the city with it's sights, smells, sounds, etc. Overall though, it was wonderful. However, you can nix some of the dialog and add more imagery I think. If you're adding me, make sure to PM me. I'm really into this story and can't wait for more. :) Well done!
15Cassie1521This was really good. However, you're like me. You develop characters through dialog. This story craves more detail, more imagery to put the reader into the city with it's sights, smells, sounds, etc. Overall though, it was wonderful. However, you can nix some of the dialog and add more imagery I think. If you're adding me, make sure to PM me. I'm really into this story and can't wait for more. :) Well done!
11/24/2009 c1 6ephemeral dance
There were some missing commas here and there, but I won't bog down a review with them, because I don't know if you like those kinds of reviews, ha.
Anyway, I think this is the set up for an interesting little story. Crystal is animated and fun; I really like her. The "Chi" power reminds me to Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicles's kudan.
Love your icon, btw. X3
6ephemeral danceThere were some missing commas here and there, but I won't bog down a review with them, because I don't know if you like those kinds of reviews, ha.
Anyway, I think this is the set up for an interesting little story. Crystal is animated and fun; I really like her. The "Chi" power reminds me to Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicles's kudan.
Love your icon, btw. X3