for Innocence and Petulance5/24/2009 c7 Binenthorne
Good start! Post soon...well you actually posted alot in a day, so take your time...
=)
Good start! Post soon...well you actually posted alot in a day, so take your time...
=)
5/22/2009 c4 Jadebright
I like what I'm reading, but i still think you should fill in certain paragraphs, such as the ones that speak about her growth from childhood to adulthood, as well as her relationship with Milo and the rough crowd he got involved in.
I also think that you rushed into the scene with finn. it wouldn't have hurt your story in any way to fill in the scene with the boys who attacked maggie, give their characters a little more depth.
As for the scene with her and finn, i think you should make it more believeable, or more detailed, because normally a woman would have been hysterical to find herself in another house (in another bed, no less) after what happened to her. and she wouldn't drink his blood. if there's an unspoken connection between them, then hint at it so that we wont be taken off guard by the fact that she just drank a stranger's blood so easily.
Lastly, I think that in some cases you use hyphens, you should use commas instead, and i see that you used asterisks to indicate page breaks. you can do this to indicate the page breaks of your previous chapters. I think there should have been a page break when maggie (the young version) woke up the next morning after seeing finn for the first time.
(This review is so long)
I still like maggie, i can easily relate to her. And finn is sweet, although he pretends to be such a badass.
I like what I'm reading, but i still think you should fill in certain paragraphs, such as the ones that speak about her growth from childhood to adulthood, as well as her relationship with Milo and the rough crowd he got involved in.
I also think that you rushed into the scene with finn. it wouldn't have hurt your story in any way to fill in the scene with the boys who attacked maggie, give their characters a little more depth.
As for the scene with her and finn, i think you should make it more believeable, or more detailed, because normally a woman would have been hysterical to find herself in another house (in another bed, no less) after what happened to her. and she wouldn't drink his blood. if there's an unspoken connection between them, then hint at it so that we wont be taken off guard by the fact that she just drank a stranger's blood so easily.
Lastly, I think that in some cases you use hyphens, you should use commas instead, and i see that you used asterisks to indicate page breaks. you can do this to indicate the page breaks of your previous chapters. I think there should have been a page break when maggie (the young version) woke up the next morning after seeing finn for the first time.
(This review is so long)
I still like maggie, i can easily relate to her. And finn is sweet, although he pretends to be such a badass.
5/22/2009 c2 Jadebright
I like maggie, i'll start off by saying that. it's going to be interesting to see how someone with her personality is going to become attached to such a troubled demon.
I'm thinking you could have put in something more for the readers to get a feel of what Finn feels when you mention the part about the silly made-up world with too much ecstasy.
And i'm thinking you could have put more of a background for maggie. I understand your reason for not telling finn's background, but maggie needs something for us to have a better connection with her.
also, I found it hilarious to imagine maggie's mother handing over a container of casserole to a demon. And although i shouldn't find it funny, I burst out laughing when he told the poor child to fuck off. What a bad boy...
Keep up the good work :)
I'm going to read some more.
I like maggie, i'll start off by saying that. it's going to be interesting to see how someone with her personality is going to become attached to such a troubled demon.
I'm thinking you could have put in something more for the readers to get a feel of what Finn feels when you mention the part about the silly made-up world with too much ecstasy.
And i'm thinking you could have put more of a background for maggie. I understand your reason for not telling finn's background, but maggie needs something for us to have a better connection with her.
also, I found it hilarious to imagine maggie's mother handing over a container of casserole to a demon. And although i shouldn't find it funny, I burst out laughing when he told the poor child to fuck off. What a bad boy...
Keep up the good work :)
I'm going to read some more.
5/22/2009 c7 
1Uniquely Proud
Pretty good work.
Rather crude sometimes but I guess that's your style of writing.
Look forward to read the next chapter.
Good pace with the story. *nods*
1Uniquely ProudPretty good work.
Rather crude sometimes but I guess that's your style of writing.
Look forward to read the next chapter.
Good pace with the story. *nods*
5/21/2009 c7 3SnowsxBitterxHeart
I like this story. For some one who hasn't written any fiction for awhile this is a pretty good start. Good work. Update soon please.
3SnowsxBitterxHeartI like this story. For some one who hasn't written any fiction for awhile this is a pretty good start. Good work. Update soon please.