for The Plague9/4/2017 c1 Guest
please continue
love it
please continue
love it
4/3/2017 c1 Ben dover
i hate this
i hate this
10/13/2014 c1 Clayton
That was excellent, I am very impressed with this piece, you have me waiting eagerly for the next chapter.
That was excellent, I am very impressed with this piece, you have me waiting eagerly for the next chapter.
29/16/2013 c2 Emily
You are so good! I am currently writing a story on a zombie apocalypse! And mine starts out in a school!
You are so good! I am currently writing a story on a zombie apocalypse! And mine starts out in a school!
9/13/2013 c1 Nia
Ok, where do I start?
You don't really paint a good picture. Short stories need to be as descriptive as possible (I only read 'The First Wave'). You shouldn't always have that much speech in something like this and especially in zombie stories as the best way to really portray the scene and also characters emotions is to just use description and well written description as well. I mean, your grammar needs a huge check over! So much wrong I could point out with the damn grammar, if you are going to post short stories online it needs to be grammatically correct. In short stories you don't get much time to win over peoples opinions so it needs to be near to perfect or you wont get a good review.
Sorry to be so harsh, just there are so many short zombie stories out there at the moment and to make yours stand out the most it needs to have something different that no one else would think of! Just please for your sake check it over, change some speech, grammar and add a heck of a lot more description.
Ok, where do I start?
You don't really paint a good picture. Short stories need to be as descriptive as possible (I only read 'The First Wave'). You shouldn't always have that much speech in something like this and especially in zombie stories as the best way to really portray the scene and also characters emotions is to just use description and well written description as well. I mean, your grammar needs a huge check over! So much wrong I could point out with the damn grammar, if you are going to post short stories online it needs to be grammatically correct. In short stories you don't get much time to win over peoples opinions so it needs to be near to perfect or you wont get a good review.
Sorry to be so harsh, just there are so many short zombie stories out there at the moment and to make yours stand out the most it needs to have something different that no one else would think of! Just please for your sake check it over, change some speech, grammar and add a heck of a lot more description.
8/20/2013 c5 ha ha
You are a terrible writer, with terrible grammar, and random girls dont crash in through windows for no apparent reason with guns.
You are a terrible writer, with terrible grammar, and random girls dont crash in through windows for no apparent reason with guns.
8/16/2013 c1 Psuedoanonomous
Try a Little less Gore, Especially with the pink girl . Otherwise, I thought it was Great
Try a Little less Gore, Especially with the pink girl . Otherwise, I thought it was Great
8/5/2013 c5 mehwish
pls give the next xhapter plsplspls XD
pls give the next xhapter plsplspls XD
8/5/2013 c1 mehwish
awesome XD
awesome XD
7/16/2013 c5 Mythos
At first, when I read the synopsis, I was very interested. The setting of a middle school or high school in a zombie apocalypse is different. No one really likes to think about what happens to kids when they are forgotten in the chaos. So, in that regard, I liked it.
However, there are many issues. There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors. I lost count of how many times you used the wrong tense. Aside from that, I think the general problem is pacing. I realize that this is a short story, and there isn't very much room for proper story development, but I think that you could probably slow it down just a little bit. Most of the text in this chapter especially is dialogue. Take time to describe what's going on. I literally had no clue what was going on when the group was headed towards the lunchroom. Tell readers about the setting, the expressions on people's faces, what the main character thinks about what's going on. More importantly, try and stay on the same topic a little bit longer, or at least describe it. For example, when the main character and Jake get in that fight, I understood the portrayal of tension in the group. However, there was no build up to this. If the characters were getting a little pissed off in one situation, yelling in the next, and throwing punches in the next, it would be better. This leads into the character development. If there's going to be tension, who's on who's side? Who are the moderators? Who tries to calm everyone down? Who gets everyone riled up? Who's going to cry? Who going to pretend not to? Characters don't have, well, character. The seem to fill dialogue rolls at random. For example, the asian girl (forget her name, don't want to leave the page) is crying in one scene, and acting as a pillar of strength to the main character in the next. If Brook is the one who grabs the guns, will she be a mischievous or adventurous girl who makes things happen? Jake is the one who tackles Vannesa, is he going to be a hot head who tries to protect the group? Shilly, (also kinda forget her name) is she going to be Jake"s paramour, one he is very obsessive over? Establishment of personalities - even extremely cliche personalities - will ultimately make your writing more entertaining, and more importantly, easier to follow.
I think the best part was definitely the beginning. There was description, emotion. The line where 'some boys tried to act brave while others wept' was very powerful and really painted a picture of the situation and the emotions the characters were feeling.
Overall, I give the piece a 4/10. It had a lot of good ideas, and I liked it, have no doubt, but there were to many issues with grammar and development to give it a very good review.
I definitely want you to write more, keeping in mind the conventions of good writing. Try reading some good books, like Ender's Game. This will help your writing more than you think. I you really love to write, keep doing it. Publishing things on sites like this is actually great to hone your skills. Just keep at it and have fun, and don't forget to re-read your work and read challenging books.
At first, when I read the synopsis, I was very interested. The setting of a middle school or high school in a zombie apocalypse is different. No one really likes to think about what happens to kids when they are forgotten in the chaos. So, in that regard, I liked it.
However, there are many issues. There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors. I lost count of how many times you used the wrong tense. Aside from that, I think the general problem is pacing. I realize that this is a short story, and there isn't very much room for proper story development, but I think that you could probably slow it down just a little bit. Most of the text in this chapter especially is dialogue. Take time to describe what's going on. I literally had no clue what was going on when the group was headed towards the lunchroom. Tell readers about the setting, the expressions on people's faces, what the main character thinks about what's going on. More importantly, try and stay on the same topic a little bit longer, or at least describe it. For example, when the main character and Jake get in that fight, I understood the portrayal of tension in the group. However, there was no build up to this. If the characters were getting a little pissed off in one situation, yelling in the next, and throwing punches in the next, it would be better. This leads into the character development. If there's going to be tension, who's on who's side? Who are the moderators? Who tries to calm everyone down? Who gets everyone riled up? Who's going to cry? Who going to pretend not to? Characters don't have, well, character. The seem to fill dialogue rolls at random. For example, the asian girl (forget her name, don't want to leave the page) is crying in one scene, and acting as a pillar of strength to the main character in the next. If Brook is the one who grabs the guns, will she be a mischievous or adventurous girl who makes things happen? Jake is the one who tackles Vannesa, is he going to be a hot head who tries to protect the group? Shilly, (also kinda forget her name) is she going to be Jake"s paramour, one he is very obsessive over? Establishment of personalities - even extremely cliche personalities - will ultimately make your writing more entertaining, and more importantly, easier to follow.
I think the best part was definitely the beginning. There was description, emotion. The line where 'some boys tried to act brave while others wept' was very powerful and really painted a picture of the situation and the emotions the characters were feeling.
Overall, I give the piece a 4/10. It had a lot of good ideas, and I liked it, have no doubt, but there were to many issues with grammar and development to give it a very good review.
I definitely want you to write more, keeping in mind the conventions of good writing. Try reading some good books, like Ender's Game. This will help your writing more than you think. I you really love to write, keep doing it. Publishing things on sites like this is actually great to hone your skills. Just keep at it and have fun, and don't forget to re-read your work and read challenging books.
6/25/2013 c4 PerfectConcept
Very dramatic! I can't wait for the next one.
Very dramatic! I can't wait for the next one.
6/25/2013 c3 PerfectConcept
This chapter is my favorite one yet. Shilly looks like she's going to be my favorite character. She seems very realistic and aware of the situation the characters are in.
This chapter is my favorite one yet. Shilly looks like she's going to be my favorite character. She seems very realistic and aware of the situation the characters are in.
6/25/2013 c2 PerfectConcept
Uh...
*Behind, you accidentally said hehind.
Very nice. The character identifications are very awkward for me due to the fact you said "black guy"; it'd be more better if you said "African-American" .
Again, this might be due to your dialect so maybe it's normal for you.
Uh...
*Behind, you accidentally said hehind.
Very nice. The character identifications are very awkward for me due to the fact you said "black guy"; it'd be more better if you said "African-American" .
Again, this might be due to your dialect so maybe it's normal for you.