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for Too Late

7/17/2009 c1 3Kristin Li
Hmm. I liked it. I liked how you described the character's emotions without being super angst (OMFG I want two cut maself). Though, I did find the transition between the arguement and the kitchen scene to be a little awkward. The mood changed a little quicky for me, but other then that I liked it.
7/17/2009 c1 9Sakina the Fallen Angel

I really liked the opening bit in italics ~ the way you built up the picture of such a destructive relationship, and then throw it in our faces with the "besides" comment was simply brilliant. Go girl!

Something else I liked was the portrayal of the characters here ~ both males are immediately identifiable, and both have little snippets of personality that make them memorable. I can't say I like her ex ~ he makes me shiver, and if that's the reaction you are going for, then well done!

OK, just found a few errors that you could fix which will improve this:

After two hissy fits and a [don't need the a] three broken mugs

As we smiled at eachother, [missed out a spacing]

This chapter seems to be more like a prologue, and as it's so short, I can't really find much else to critique, apart from the typos!

~ Sakina x
6/30/2009 c2 JC
nice to see the second chapter up, like the switch in POV, devolops Chris's charecter and it seems that this chapter is also paced a little bit slower than the last. cant wait to see this story develop. great work as usual beat.

6/29/2009 c1 Danielle Gin
I like how you started out the story with such an interesting readers catch. “If I can just get him to hate me - forget me, then maybe he’ll finally leave me alone.” It instantly hooks the reader and sets the scene up very well.

I did notice, though in your sixth paragraph you have that she places her groceries on the table, when groceries hadn’t been mentioned anywhere else before. This could be clearer. Also, when writing dialogue it needs to sound natural. “I’ll leave you alone, to become the slut we all know you already are. Just live your life then, enjoy what time you have left, because let me tell you, it isn’t long.” This sounds kind of staged, you know? Just making it sound more natural will help with this though.

Over all interesting work! It seems that you’re setting it up for a neat love triangle! Good luck!
5/25/2009 c1 25Faint Daydream
I like the way that this is going, and I'm very intrigued to know more. I love the contrast between the italics and the rest of the text, it involves me more into the story. Please continue! :-)
5/25/2009 c1 Disabled Account sdf
Great introduction!

I loved the creepiness of James' character, which was a nice contrast to the humorous way that the protagonist woke up! Funny! :-)

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