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9/19/2010 c1 natmarie
Interesting twist on the lists. I was thinking fluffy happiness, but got reality instead. A welcome change and well-written. :)
5/29/2009 c1 13BlackxValveteen
ok, all the work that i was writing to you, all the feedback, was some how lost which is a damn shame so i'm just gonna keep this one brief.

It is excellent because it really drew me into the story and that's a component of a good, successful story. While i was reading i didn't once think to stop and the story had a powerful effect on me because it gave me a sense of fear, and relief when they walked down the hallway.

Couple of things to keep in mind;

The first few lines gave me the impression that the couple were an older couple, maybe in their mid 30s to 40s.

When i read the hall scene, that imagery was gone and replaced with a younger couple.

Now im not sayin the first part was badly written, i'm sayin that it put a different picture in my mind, different to the image that i was supposed to see, probably different the image you intended me to see.

So basically at the start, I thought the characters were old but when I read the things like “the bell rang,” it changed my thinking.

At the start, maybe you could add a few words that relate to a younger generation so we get a rough idea about how old the couple is.

I was just a bit confused at the “two weeks previous” mark, when you write this " When she ignores you, she wants your attention." at the end of that section the couple turn out fine and happy with each other and i'm wondering whether the two sections (the fighting section and the hallway section) are the same couple or if not have any sort of link. Does it mean that one person can make the difference in a relationship? as in break it apart or have no such effect at all? Is it distinguishing the difference between people who try to break things apart but have no effect on others to those who actually have an effect?

I hope the feedback made sense. I'm from australia and its 11.21pm and i'm really tired but i really hoped you understand the feedback and i really would like to hear from you, hopefully my questions made sense also so that you can answer them!


Monique xx
5/28/2009 c1 14mezzles
A cute interpretation of the guys laws (if only they all followed them haha =O); one tiny thing, "When she’s at her worst, tell she’s beautiful." I think it's missing the second "her". Still a cute story, I certainly liked the ending. After all, real love should never be torn apart by lies =] Thanks for the read and congrats on your story!

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