for The Rain8/9/2011 c1 
2lucky-eclipse
I thought that this story was adorable, sad, and something I could relate to. There were a few words that didn't seem to fit, and I too was confused at what was going on at first.
In the beginning, I thought it was the dad who died. Somewhere around the middle, I thought it was the daughter. It took me forever to really know for sure who the narrator was.
The way you wrote the flashbacks were not confusing, and I thought they added a lot to the story.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. Very nice job. :)
2lucky-eclipseI thought that this story was adorable, sad, and something I could relate to. There were a few words that didn't seem to fit, and I too was confused at what was going on at first.
In the beginning, I thought it was the dad who died. Somewhere around the middle, I thought it was the daughter. It took me forever to really know for sure who the narrator was.
The way you wrote the flashbacks were not confusing, and I thought they added a lot to the story.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. Very nice job. :)
6/3/2009 c1 ROexx
Thats so adorably sweet. However your writing style is rather confusing but i love the dramatic effects it gives. that was adorable. :) love it.
Thats so adorably sweet. However your writing style is rather confusing but i love the dramatic effects it gives. that was adorable. :) love it.
6/2/2009 c1 anikam
For the opening the story has a decent pull, but I am hesitant to read on at first. I'm too distracted by words that really don't belong, like filtered, and a few other awkward things.
I loved the plot though, it wasn't cliche at all. I like the fact that she was a very strong girl, but that even when something tragic as losing her dad was happening she wanted to be strong. The emotions seemed real, but I feel that there's not enough description.
The writing was good, but I saw a few things that didn't really belong. Like the word filtered as I said above. However, it actually sounded like real and raw emotions at some point. It's not too flowery and easy to follow.
The techniques were great! I loved the flashbacks the most. Especially the one that has the girl crawling into her father's arms on a stormy night. The sheer thought makes me smile.
All in all, despite a few errors, I liked it.
For the opening the story has a decent pull, but I am hesitant to read on at first. I'm too distracted by words that really don't belong, like filtered, and a few other awkward things.
I loved the plot though, it wasn't cliche at all. I like the fact that she was a very strong girl, but that even when something tragic as losing her dad was happening she wanted to be strong. The emotions seemed real, but I feel that there's not enough description.
The writing was good, but I saw a few things that didn't really belong. Like the word filtered as I said above. However, it actually sounded like real and raw emotions at some point. It's not too flowery and easy to follow.
The techniques were great! I loved the flashbacks the most. Especially the one that has the girl crawling into her father's arms on a stormy night. The sheer thought makes me smile.
All in all, despite a few errors, I liked it.
5/31/2009 c1 1Crimson Dizzy
Opening
I thought the opening paragraph was beautiful, great choice of words. It made me want to read on.
Ending
I thought the ending line was very sweet. The way the boy and the girl interacted towards the end was cute and I felt fuzzy again.
Scene
The scene that stood out to me most was when she was remembering her Dad telling her to smile. It was obviously a bittersweet memory for her as he was passing away. This scene really displayed the father-daughter relationship well and added a lot to the plotline.
Enjoyment
I really liked this piece. It was very emotive and kept my interest the whole way through. I especially liked the use of the weather.
Characters
The girl's feelings were portayed perfectly. She was upset, angry even at fate for letting this happen to her. She acted like a lot of people would in this situation, so was very easy to believe.
1Crimson DizzyOpening
I thought the opening paragraph was beautiful, great choice of words. It made me want to read on.
Ending
I thought the ending line was very sweet. The way the boy and the girl interacted towards the end was cute and I felt fuzzy again.
Scene
The scene that stood out to me most was when she was remembering her Dad telling her to smile. It was obviously a bittersweet memory for her as he was passing away. This scene really displayed the father-daughter relationship well and added a lot to the plotline.
Enjoyment
I really liked this piece. It was very emotive and kept my interest the whole way through. I especially liked the use of the weather.
Characters
The girl's feelings were portayed perfectly. She was upset, angry even at fate for letting this happen to her. She acted like a lot of people would in this situation, so was very easy to believe.
5/31/2009 c1 37LaFarfalla
Wow. This story nearly made me cry and I never cry when I read stories. The mixture of memories and the present helped to emphasize the heart-breaking sadness of the story.
"My sheik echoed through the valley" should be 'shriek', I believe.
Your last line was lovely, bittersweet and full of hope. Excellent job!
37LaFarfallaWow. This story nearly made me cry and I never cry when I read stories. The mixture of memories and the present helped to emphasize the heart-breaking sadness of the story.
"My sheik echoed through the valley" should be 'shriek', I believe.
Your last line was lovely, bittersweet and full of hope. Excellent job!
5/31/2009 c1 3Kellybear
Hi Twin,
it was amazing. Although, I felt that the introduction of the best friend was a little sudden. It might just be me, but it sort of completely changed the whole direction of the story. But yeah I loved it.
3KellybearHi Twin,
it was amazing. Although, I felt that the introduction of the best friend was a little sudden. It might just be me, but it sort of completely changed the whole direction of the story. But yeah I loved it.
5/30/2009 c1 10MaeMaes
For the opening, you have a decent pull, but I get thrown off by how flowery the description of what's going on is. I think shorter sentences, though descriptive, may serve a better purpose.
Your word choice could be better in some instances (to depict your story better), such as:
"My feet filtered across the driveway pavement, as the cold burnt into my toes. "
That threw me off because if the narrator's feet filtered across the pavement... ouch, lol. Maybe change it up with a different verb? :)
"My jagged breathing didn’t supply my lungs with the life source they argued for."
Maybe "cry" would be better than "argue"? Because arguing implies that the narrator is arguing against it, and she's not. She's just too caught up in her emotions to think about the time she needs to catch her breath. Or at least, that's what I got. ^^;
For better impact of how sad she is, I think you should focus on her emotions than all the background setting. For example, when you're really sad, you don't tend to notice things around you (in the regard that you see everything). Typically, a person is really focused on their emotions.
So, stuff like: "I reached the edge of the bush, and moved from the road to the soil, which pushed and squeezed its way through my toes. A soggy mix of dirt and water. I walked on, and entered the sanctuary."
seems sort of out of character, to me. Having detail about the scenery and the setting is fine, but I think it leaves the reader focusing more on the character if you keep descriptions about soil and dirt short (unless it plays a greater role in the fic itself). ^^; Unless it adds to the fic, I say don't worry about it. :)
Grammar wise, you had some small punctuation issues. Such as: "“Its ok…” he whispered, lifting my face to his “The rain won’t last forever.”"
Needing a period after his. :) Little things that just make me pause for a sec, but nothing too distracting.
Anyway, the piece was moving and I thought it had a good ending. ^^ I hope you aren't discouraged by my review. This is all personal opinion, so feel free to disregard if you don't agree. :) Happy writing!
10MaeMaesFor the opening, you have a decent pull, but I get thrown off by how flowery the description of what's going on is. I think shorter sentences, though descriptive, may serve a better purpose.
Your word choice could be better in some instances (to depict your story better), such as:
"My feet filtered across the driveway pavement, as the cold burnt into my toes. "
That threw me off because if the narrator's feet filtered across the pavement... ouch, lol. Maybe change it up with a different verb? :)
"My jagged breathing didn’t supply my lungs with the life source they argued for."
Maybe "cry" would be better than "argue"? Because arguing implies that the narrator is arguing against it, and she's not. She's just too caught up in her emotions to think about the time she needs to catch her breath. Or at least, that's what I got. ^^;
For better impact of how sad she is, I think you should focus on her emotions than all the background setting. For example, when you're really sad, you don't tend to notice things around you (in the regard that you see everything). Typically, a person is really focused on their emotions.
So, stuff like: "I reached the edge of the bush, and moved from the road to the soil, which pushed and squeezed its way through my toes. A soggy mix of dirt and water. I walked on, and entered the sanctuary."
seems sort of out of character, to me. Having detail about the scenery and the setting is fine, but I think it leaves the reader focusing more on the character if you keep descriptions about soil and dirt short (unless it plays a greater role in the fic itself). ^^; Unless it adds to the fic, I say don't worry about it. :)
Grammar wise, you had some small punctuation issues. Such as: "“Its ok…” he whispered, lifting my face to his “The rain won’t last forever.”"
Needing a period after his. :) Little things that just make me pause for a sec, but nothing too distracting.
Anyway, the piece was moving and I thought it had a good ending. ^^ I hope you aren't discouraged by my review. This is all personal opinion, so feel free to disregard if you don't agree. :) Happy writing!
5/30/2009 c1 Stardrag
I'm diggin the water theme here as well as the expression of emotions, though I have to admit that around the beginning to the middle was a little bit confusing. I was tying to find out what was going on exactly.
Anyway, th good part!
I loved how the beginning went into seperate tones; like two opposing forces! You also switched back and forth between crying and composure which was cool to me! Even if I think it was a little cliche for her best freind, it still was awesome how she resisted at first and lost a little bit of control, then released her emotions on him...
cool...lol...
~SD
I'm diggin the water theme here as well as the expression of emotions, though I have to admit that around the beginning to the middle was a little bit confusing. I was tying to find out what was going on exactly.
Anyway, th good part!
I loved how the beginning went into seperate tones; like two opposing forces! You also switched back and forth between crying and composure which was cool to me! Even if I think it was a little cliche for her best freind, it still was awesome how she resisted at first and lost a little bit of control, then released her emotions on him...
cool...lol...
~SD
5/30/2009 c1 TymCon
I like this oneshot!
Opening-The opening was very well written. It had a very descriptive dark thing going on. It made the reader not being able to stop reading. Which is always good!
Characters-The main character was very aproachable. You didnt give too much imformation about her but just enough for us to get an image and a feel of the character.
Theqnique-Youre teqnique at the opening is very interesting. You describe the opening with a very depressed sad desription wich sets the pace for the rest of the story. I usually do overblown cliched writing so its interesting for me:P
Ending- The ending was half heartwarming and half sad. It was sad becuase well her father died but it was heart warming because she will actually get over it and not bottle it up.
Quick question did you just make this up or did you chanell something that happened in youre life? Just asking becuase it was very deep and personal.
I like this oneshot!
Opening-The opening was very well written. It had a very descriptive dark thing going on. It made the reader not being able to stop reading. Which is always good!
Characters-The main character was very aproachable. You didnt give too much imformation about her but just enough for us to get an image and a feel of the character.
Theqnique-Youre teqnique at the opening is very interesting. You describe the opening with a very depressed sad desription wich sets the pace for the rest of the story. I usually do overblown cliched writing so its interesting for me:P
Ending- The ending was half heartwarming and half sad. It was sad becuase well her father died but it was heart warming because she will actually get over it and not bottle it up.
Quick question did you just make this up or did you chanell something that happened in youre life? Just asking becuase it was very deep and personal.
5/30/2009 c1 16Long Island Iced Tea
I loved the descriptions. So delicate, but so beautifully drawn. They were truly heart-rending in a way and there was just such a bittersweet, poetic quality about them.
It's just perfect for a one-shot. Short, memorable, flowing gracefully, elegantly to a point. The message was beautifully conveyed. All in all, a truly unforgettable little piece!
16Long Island Iced TeaI loved the descriptions. So delicate, but so beautifully drawn. They were truly heart-rending in a way and there was just such a bittersweet, poetic quality about them.
It's just perfect for a one-shot. Short, memorable, flowing gracefully, elegantly to a point. The message was beautifully conveyed. All in all, a truly unforgettable little piece!