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12/27/2011 c1 floridapanther28
I'm kind of confused... sorry ^_^"
2/26/2010 c1 13Your-Magpie
oh, ominous.

i've read bits of your other work and they all have such a wonderful [and unique to the story] style.

this one, woah.

and you seriously need to update this. it seems to have all the key things to make this a seriously good piece of writing.
1/23/2010 c1 nothing
:)...that was different..and nice.. talking computer haha... are u gonna continue?
1/5/2010 c1 2DeathbyGarlic
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get a distinct image of the world this girl lives in while reading this:

This world appears as black and white, in my mind, the architecture is very streamline (similar to art deco, only more utilitarian than fancy) but technology such as the talking computer is nearly on par with today's tech (maybe bigger).

All that said, I like that you left very little description of the setting because if you describe what the world is really like, it could throw the reader off guard and thus make your story much more dramatic.

While I completely understand why you don't give us much connection to the girl (I assume she's the protag), it would be nice to read a little about her emotions once she sees the picture, not just her actions.

I'd like to see where this story goes, though I see you haven't updated in a while (indeed, most of your stories aren't very far in)... I'm holding out for a new chapter anyway.

One thing I will suggest - and this is in terms of style and therefore subjective - is that you can combine dialog with descriptions to prevent the piece from looking like a list (see below):

" 'No, no, no.'

The computer fell silent."

You could say:

"No, no, no," she uttered as the computer fell silent."

Again, your choice, it's all about the flow of the story and how you prefer to write. I personally just hate lists in my own writing.
9/2/2009 c11 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
I think the correct term for Streetlights is actually street lamps. As for the customer part, it's ridiculous to see people with an IQ of a retard and worst thing is that you can't fight back or reason with this kind of people, let alone letting the boss know the exact truth. Sometimes, it seems that the customer being always right is a major bs right in the face of human logic. :S But the car chase is pretty fun to read though albeit the whole thing being rather short in length. I truly though I'll only get to see that in cop dramas lol! :D Anyway, a short and interesting chapter here. Hope to see more of it soon. :)

P.S: The Eternal Grail is up with a new chapter now. Hope to see your review for it soon. :)
8/24/2009 c11 K. Weaver
Sorry, I stopped reviewing for a few chapters so that I could actually read all of them But no worries, there really isn't anything bad to comment on!

ha ! I really like this metaphor "Molly just blinked her eyes a couple of times, confused at what they were talking about like a witch at a Christmas convention, wondering if she just had the wrong color scheme and should have gone with a fake beard and a red pointed hat instead."

Btw, I'm really curious as to why the computer keeps mentioning the noise level. Is it important?
8/24/2009 c4 K. Weaver
Yep, I'm still confused as to what is going on. lol Is there a reason that japanese, french, and spanish are all mentioned in your story? or is it just because it is cool?

There's really nothing wrong grammatically that I can find. I'm really enjoying the story so far, but I hope that I will be able to figure out somewhat what is going on soon. I guess I'll have to read more!
8/22/2009 c11 19S. M. Saves
High speed shopping cart pursuit? Awesome! :D I'm still trying to imagine what that scene would have looked like, the characters propelling the cart with the streetlight.

Idean is so calm, cool and collect. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that he has a kid. Which makes me wonder about Molly's mom. Or is Molly really his kid? (O.o) Ooh! Speculations.

The lady you described in the beginning reminded me (for some reason) of the fat lady from Howl's Moving Castle. Don't ask why, it just did. "coffe burger", yuck! :P

If you get this published, you should try to get the guy who illustrated for Lemony Snicket to do illustrations for you. You did mention before that this was like Snicket's writing, which it is very much so (a little more mature style).

Update soon and good luck with school!
8/22/2009 c2 109ADSpencer
I have a habit of using () a lot, too, hee. It's annoyed some of my readers in the past...but what can you do? If the sarcasm is there, it's there. :) Nice chapter. I really liked some of the dialogue in this chapter. It flowed nicely and had a biting edge. Well done!
8/22/2009 c1 ADSpencer
EXTREMELY intriguing beginning! It practically screams "well I guess you'll have to read more of it then!"

The relationship with her hit, the repeated question at the end, the minimal physical description-all of it proves an excellent hook for a story. Nicely done!
8/21/2009 c11 tangerine dreamer
i'd love a coffeeburger, coffee pizza, coffee tacos, and coffee fries! i mean who wouldn't? *silly sarcastic smile* actually no, i'd much rather eat a snorkel while petting the dolphins in the storage room. =] but really how do you think up these random combinations of things?

and if only they could give u half a cup of something for half the price in real life. that would be great for those times when all i have are pennies.

"it wasn't a car or a granny on steroids, or a bull for that matter."

again your hilarity never ceases to amaze me.

i'm still confused where the bullets came from from the last chapter but it sounds like someone's trying to kill the gang. (can they be called a gang? i feel like that's too harsh... maybe crazy group of insanies?) but yes i do hope they find the shooter and duck tape him to a really tall tree. or a building. either one would be fun. ;]

until next chapter, toodles!
8/21/2009 c10 tangerine dreamer
more randomness! i've given up trying to understand everything that's going on in this story a long time ago, but i'm still finding it entertaining. =]

"why is your hair wet?"

"not sure. could be from the guinea pig i killed yesterday."

and to that i replied "WTF?" lol why would she kill an innocent cute lil guinea pig? and why would she say it so nonchalantly?

intermission was very strange. and who exactly are cher and mane? i've been wondering that this whole story but just came to the conclusion that i'd never find out what those convos were about. except choking on a seed and falling. and then getting all mushy. hehe

there's so much dialogue here that i can hardly keep up. all i can make out is that molly is a little spitfire, bryon likes slackers, and sara is i don't even know...

and then bullets come out of nowhere. again! what will happen next?
8/20/2009 c10 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Me again. :) Sorry for the belated review here. Got swamped by review favours and a dead PC. :S Anyway, I don't know why, but this chapter still seems so random to me like it's as if what was going on here was a result of random probability. But at least I think the shooting part might be a transition of this story into the main plot. I don't know to be honest. As for Meisme, she really reminds me of the standard school bully here. Nothing much to comment on her apart from that since I don't really have a deep impression of her. And lol tons of dialogue here. You actually did that part better than me. At least I can't really think up of any physical reactions while the person is saying something. :S Anyway, I will try to review the latest chapter ASAP. And yeah, I think I've paid you back in this review. PM me if you think I got it wrong. :)
8/18/2009 c5 2anabsenceofcreativity
A very strange chapter, but I thought it was good (and not particularly confusing). All your characters are just so... original, which matches your writing-style. Just little things like "sound of a thousand hummingbirds flapping in the air sounded through her ears as the disguised ringing she had heard earlier" are strange, but work well. And I love the slices of humour: "bits of clothes glued together, pieces of clothes unglued together" and "(Just like a man to try to silence a woman. Pff.)" - nothing like a lil' humour in a story.

I'm assuming this wrench is significant though... I'll just need to read on to find out.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, on a side note "So if you review and all that'd be awesome but I'm doing this because I want to. :}" Couldn't have put it better myself :)

~ aoc
8/17/2009 c2 6MantraMagazine
Hey now, I read the dictionary for fun, it's a wonderful past time. -Nods- This makes me think of Death Note for some reason, I've never read it before, or seen the anime so I guess I wouldn't really know. Oh, and : "They were two years apart from each other, making it easier for them to relate to each other or just hang out (if Sara weren’t tormenting Bryon)." Don't you think "wasn't" would work better there?
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