for Obligate Parasite6/6/2009 c1 
15Denizen47
Kudos to you for actually employing the prompt in a more literal fashion! Overall I liked the idea of the piece, the hinting at a greater story. Dozen and Serena and Kyle gaining sufficient depth of character in a short piece.
However I would ask that you remember the "show don't tell" mantra, this is especially relevant with your two paragraphs detailing Serena's friends. I was quickly bored of it and found it somewhat irritating at having these random facts thrown at me.
15Denizen47Kudos to you for actually employing the prompt in a more literal fashion! Overall I liked the idea of the piece, the hinting at a greater story. Dozen and Serena and Kyle gaining sufficient depth of character in a short piece.
However I would ask that you remember the "show don't tell" mantra, this is especially relevant with your two paragraphs detailing Serena's friends. I was quickly bored of it and found it somewhat irritating at having these random facts thrown at me.
6/5/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
Your writing style is very fluid, and natural, I felt very comfortable reading this, because the discription and tone didn't feel forced at all.
I really liked how at the beginning Serena gave the crew members nicknames. Not only is it a cute little thing that girls do, but it's also creative. It shows the reader the Serena's not just another cog in the machine early on. We can ruite for her with ease.
The only problem I had with the writing was the line: "You invited her? Actually, I should say that one out loud. “You invited her?”" The rest of the piece is written from 3rd person perspective, so it just felt weird to shove 'I should say that out loud' into the mix.
Overall you're story is great, keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietYour writing style is very fluid, and natural, I felt very comfortable reading this, because the discription and tone didn't feel forced at all.
I really liked how at the beginning Serena gave the crew members nicknames. Not only is it a cute little thing that girls do, but it's also creative. It shows the reader the Serena's not just another cog in the machine early on. We can ruite for her with ease.
The only problem I had with the writing was the line: "You invited her? Actually, I should say that one out loud. “You invited her?”" The rest of the piece is written from 3rd person perspective, so it just felt weird to shove 'I should say that out loud' into the mix.
Overall you're story is great, keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.