for Gemini7/5/2009 c1 
612simpleplan13
In the first stanza I didn't like how you repeated the word form. It sounded kind of awkward.
"Are they too beautiful/I wonder/Will they break me"... The phrasing hear seemed awkward to me. Are you wondering if they're beautiful or if they're going to break you? Even if it's both then one part would be a question.
I really liked the piece. Your descriptions were really great. The were unique and your word choices fit well too. I liked the formatting with woman. That was a nice touch. The only thing is I didn't really like the ending. I felt it was a tad cliched and it kinda confused me as to what the person used to think. Still, it's a really powerfully descriptive piece. Great job!
612simpleplan13In the first stanza I didn't like how you repeated the word form. It sounded kind of awkward.
"Are they too beautiful/I wonder/Will they break me"... The phrasing hear seemed awkward to me. Are you wondering if they're beautiful or if they're going to break you? Even if it's both then one part would be a question.
I really liked the piece. Your descriptions were really great. The were unique and your word choices fit well too. I liked the formatting with woman. That was a nice touch. The only thing is I didn't really like the ending. I felt it was a tad cliched and it kinda confused me as to what the person used to think. Still, it's a really powerfully descriptive piece. Great job!
6/7/2009 c1 she smolders
Oh.
I really don't know what to say because my words can't do this justice.
Just exquisite and vivid and more than beautiful. Take care.
Oh.
I really don't know what to say because my words can't do this justice.
Just exquisite and vivid and more than beautiful. Take care.
6/6/2009 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Wow, I don't know what to say. The way you wrote this, it was eloquent in its own way, sort of telling the tale of someone who would come to die.
[As her husband broke the ground open
A grave for her to shake in]
This stanza really stood out to me for some reason. It makes me think of someone dying before their time.
Very interesting piece, the end was perfect. Best of luck in the WCC this month!
Velvet.
13VelvetyCheerioWow, I don't know what to say. The way you wrote this, it was eloquent in its own way, sort of telling the tale of someone who would come to die.
[As her husband broke the ground open
A grave for her to shake in]
This stanza really stood out to me for some reason. It makes me think of someone dying before their time.
Very interesting piece, the end was perfect. Best of luck in the WCC this month!
Velvet.
6/6/2009 c1 15Denizen47
A very good poem indeed. The shifting between the phases of this pregnancy and her situation was smooth and unobtrusive. And for a poem of this length you managed to maintain a high quality of writing throughout.
Good luck in the WCC.
15Denizen47A very good poem indeed. The shifting between the phases of this pregnancy and her situation was smooth and unobtrusive. And for a poem of this length you managed to maintain a high quality of writing throughout.
Good luck in the WCC.
6/5/2009 c1 Fractured Illusion
Wow! A very good poem, you had a very poetic way of phrasing yourself which I appreciate. Didn't take the easy way out at all.
Fav lines:
"Wondering if fairy tales should be without princes"
- just because it was an interesting thought
"As her husband broke the ground open"
- sounds very powerful/dramatic in the good way
"Become flowers of stone
And twist into some strange bouquet"
- nice and strange imagery
On the negative side I couldn't quite follow what this was about... Did she die in childbirth after having twins? I'm still confused.
Otherwise: I liked it! good luck in WCC
Frac
Wow! A very good poem, you had a very poetic way of phrasing yourself which I appreciate. Didn't take the easy way out at all.
Fav lines:
"Wondering if fairy tales should be without princes"
- just because it was an interesting thought
"As her husband broke the ground open"
- sounds very powerful/dramatic in the good way
"Become flowers of stone
And twist into some strange bouquet"
- nice and strange imagery
On the negative side I couldn't quite follow what this was about... Did she die in childbirth after having twins? I'm still confused.
Otherwise: I liked it! good luck in WCC
Frac
6/5/2009 c1 Isca
"A grave for her to shake in." Oh my, the mixture of life and death imagery here is quite profound, as the the babe within the mother's womb is not even born before she steps into her open grave. Wow. The words 'elbows and knuckles rotting' were particularly chilling-the woman loses cannot 'support' herself or 'express' herself anymore, it seems.
"When the softness of towers...become flowers of stone." There's something so gentle and magical about this line-it's true that women carry both 'beauty' and 'rage' within them. I also liked the ending-the tone of that final line is so raw and awe-inspiring.
:)
(The Review Game - Poems - Easy Fix)
"A grave for her to shake in." Oh my, the mixture of life and death imagery here is quite profound, as the the babe within the mother's womb is not even born before she steps into her open grave. Wow. The words 'elbows and knuckles rotting' were particularly chilling-the woman loses cannot 'support' herself or 'express' herself anymore, it seems.
"When the softness of towers...become flowers of stone." There's something so gentle and magical about this line-it's true that women carry both 'beauty' and 'rage' within them. I also liked the ending-the tone of that final line is so raw and awe-inspiring.
:)
(The Review Game - Poems - Easy Fix)
6/5/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
Even though this is your WCC challenge, I'm still seeing the pregnancy/mother imagry that has been in your regular work of late.
In the opening you talk about twins, although later in the piece that shifts to the woman, and then the pregnant woman. A strong internal shift, as well as an external shift.
All of your verses were wonderful, I don't think I could pick my favorites without posting the whole thing. Excellent work. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietEven though this is your WCC challenge, I'm still seeing the pregnancy/mother imagry that has been in your regular work of late.
In the opening you talk about twins, although later in the piece that shifts to the woman, and then the pregnant woman. A strong internal shift, as well as an external shift.
All of your verses were wonderful, I don't think I could pick my favorites without posting the whole thing. Excellent work. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.