for Light in the Darkness10/31/2011 c24 
1celestial tears
I liked that the beginning of this chapter showed the effect that his incident had on him, rather than just telling it: that is, he is lying awake despite the eventful day he had and how his hand is very close to the hilt of his sword, ready to grab it, instead of simply saying-he was so terrified.
“…his mind breeding…” I like that you made the reader think about what happens when the mind gives birth to things.
Being sent to bed without food or only hard bread is a horribly stern punishment; I think that that punishment is a testament to his father’s occupation. It is good to show consistency in a character by using not only his/her actions but by decisions that he/she makes.
I loved how his mother was allowed to go out but not him. It was also great that his mom showed up with a sword.
I know people are curious, but if a large crowd is running away, I would probably run or stay in the house and peek out. It’s weird because on one hand, it seems perfectly natural for people to come out and see what is going on but at the same time it seems absolutely foolish.
Meldar seems pretty darn cool during the stampede.
The good: the woman was saved. The bad: the lights go out. The worst: Caught in a stampede of people who are running from dead people in complete darkness!
When Fedikin saw the light, I finally snapped out of my own panic and wondered: “where the heck are the guards?”
Yes! Zombies (of sorts)
I don’t know if it is Fedikin’s terror or not but if the face has no eyes, how can the decapitated head glare at him? Poor guy seems to be in a complete frenzy now.
O
h no, the head popped off and it didn’t die. Well there goes my idea, thanks for blowing my expectations.
One thing I would say, is to separate scenes with a line or something, maybe.
Well, Black Petal is a smart one since we realize humans panic first and think later.
“…enough to give easy entry to those demons waiting outside the city walls.” When I saw this, I thought, “OH CRAP”.
The scene with Black Petal and the wizard was fascinating and enjoyable.
Good chapter. Lots of action.
1celestial tearsI liked that the beginning of this chapter showed the effect that his incident had on him, rather than just telling it: that is, he is lying awake despite the eventful day he had and how his hand is very close to the hilt of his sword, ready to grab it, instead of simply saying-he was so terrified.
“…his mind breeding…” I like that you made the reader think about what happens when the mind gives birth to things.
Being sent to bed without food or only hard bread is a horribly stern punishment; I think that that punishment is a testament to his father’s occupation. It is good to show consistency in a character by using not only his/her actions but by decisions that he/she makes.
I loved how his mother was allowed to go out but not him. It was also great that his mom showed up with a sword.
I know people are curious, but if a large crowd is running away, I would probably run or stay in the house and peek out. It’s weird because on one hand, it seems perfectly natural for people to come out and see what is going on but at the same time it seems absolutely foolish.
Meldar seems pretty darn cool during the stampede.
The good: the woman was saved. The bad: the lights go out. The worst: Caught in a stampede of people who are running from dead people in complete darkness!
When Fedikin saw the light, I finally snapped out of my own panic and wondered: “where the heck are the guards?”
Yes! Zombies (of sorts)
I don’t know if it is Fedikin’s terror or not but if the face has no eyes, how can the decapitated head glare at him? Poor guy seems to be in a complete frenzy now.
O
h no, the head popped off and it didn’t die. Well there goes my idea, thanks for blowing my expectations.
One thing I would say, is to separate scenes with a line or something, maybe.
Well, Black Petal is a smart one since we realize humans panic first and think later.
“…enough to give easy entry to those demons waiting outside the city walls.” When I saw this, I thought, “OH CRAP”.
The scene with Black Petal and the wizard was fascinating and enjoyable.
Good chapter. Lots of action.
9/26/2011 c23 celestial tears
Oh, I just knew that something was going to happen on his way home.
The horrific experience of the dead, clawing hands was described to perfection and I felt a strange itching sensation after reading it.
The Blackpetal “loving” Lord Azriel was quite a surprise. Of course, I never considered that someone would/could love him; however, now that I think about it, the notion is completely plausible.
The dead rose was strange. The rose was dead and yet it smelled as it would if it were alive. So then, since fact that it once lived at all was the reason for it producing the smell in the first place, it’s strange that she regards death but not life as well. After all, how can something reach that state of permanence, death, if that something was never alive?
I had a sudden thought as I read the through the necromancy part. It would be awfully terrible if a certain young man’s dead parents were raised from the dead. =(
Oh, I just knew that something was going to happen on his way home.
The horrific experience of the dead, clawing hands was described to perfection and I felt a strange itching sensation after reading it.
The Blackpetal “loving” Lord Azriel was quite a surprise. Of course, I never considered that someone would/could love him; however, now that I think about it, the notion is completely plausible.
The dead rose was strange. The rose was dead and yet it smelled as it would if it were alive. So then, since fact that it once lived at all was the reason for it producing the smell in the first place, it’s strange that she regards death but not life as well. After all, how can something reach that state of permanence, death, if that something was never alive?
I had a sudden thought as I read the through the necromancy part. It would be awfully terrible if a certain young man’s dead parents were raised from the dead. =(
9/26/2011 c22 celestial tears
Oh I am absolutely terrible at reviewing in a timely manner. O.o
That Alsarvius is definitely a strange one and as much as I would like to think kindly of a child, even a fictional one, I just don’t trust that kid.
I would be so tempted to knock on of those highborns out of the way with my horse.
The image of the Cathedral with its white walls and gold etchings looks really beautiful in my mind’s eye.
I wonder why Fedikin will not take more notice of his dreams. If the nightmares keep reoccurring, surely he must begin to think that something is really wrong.
Wow, the description of the inside of the cathedral is also very beautiful.
I feel as if some of the things that the humans are experiencing, such as the voice of the Child of Purity, are too surreal. It seems as if there has to be some kind of price they must pay for being able to behold such a thing. Or at least, their hearts must be pure; however, the highborns and nobles do not seem to possess such a characteristic.
So, why is it that only the ones born into noble family or wealth are allowed to see glorious things while the rest are left to wonder if the Celestials is even on their side? I guess whoever has the power and money makes the rules.
I love the last line, “She was a human, not an angel.” I think it makes a necessary distinction for the reader.
It was a great chapter. The descriptions were wonderful of course, just like always. You created very nice scenes and although there wasn’t any action, there were important moments in this chapter.
Oh I am absolutely terrible at reviewing in a timely manner. O.o
That Alsarvius is definitely a strange one and as much as I would like to think kindly of a child, even a fictional one, I just don’t trust that kid.
I would be so tempted to knock on of those highborns out of the way with my horse.
The image of the Cathedral with its white walls and gold etchings looks really beautiful in my mind’s eye.
I wonder why Fedikin will not take more notice of his dreams. If the nightmares keep reoccurring, surely he must begin to think that something is really wrong.
Wow, the description of the inside of the cathedral is also very beautiful.
I feel as if some of the things that the humans are experiencing, such as the voice of the Child of Purity, are too surreal. It seems as if there has to be some kind of price they must pay for being able to behold such a thing. Or at least, their hearts must be pure; however, the highborns and nobles do not seem to possess such a characteristic.
So, why is it that only the ones born into noble family or wealth are allowed to see glorious things while the rest are left to wonder if the Celestials is even on their side? I guess whoever has the power and money makes the rules.
I love the last line, “She was a human, not an angel.” I think it makes a necessary distinction for the reader.
It was a great chapter. The descriptions were wonderful of course, just like always. You created very nice scenes and although there wasn’t any action, there were important moments in this chapter.
1/20/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Wonderful beginning. The descriptions are all great but one word of advice: There are some details that don't seem to help the plot much, I do that loads so I can recognize it easily. Make sure each point is valid through some time or the other in the course of the story.
I also really like the characters and the background through which this was set it.
Great chapter (:
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusWonderful beginning. The descriptions are all great but one word of advice: There are some details that don't seem to help the plot much, I do that loads so I can recognize it easily. Make sure each point is valid through some time or the other in the course of the story.
I also really like the characters and the background through which this was set it.
Great chapter (:
x mandy
1/18/2011 c21 1celestial tears
Haha poor Fedikin, a crash course in sword fighting before going to war has to be extremely stressful, not only on the body but the mind as well. I have never taken any type of lessons where wielding a sword was taught but I wonder if you can see an opponent’s attack coming by observing their muscles; the tension in a bicep or relaxation of the same.
I love the Sinsplitter. It just seems so darn cool.
Discovering that Lady Kithra is not allowed to leave the house not only helps me understand her but possibly other nobles who have little experience with dealing with people different from them. That being said, I still do not like her, haha.
I think it is a great idea to fortify the wall but I honestly hope that if they have a sewage system…I hope someone is guarding it. While it may seem impractical for an entire army to go underground and attack a city that way, there is always a chance of surprise. I feel as if the walls are not going to hold.
It is indeed a terrifying choice to make between a normal life and a legendary one.
T
he moment between the Lady and Hannell was a…..strange one. Yes, it is unfortunate for her mother to leave her but I still do not fully understand why her father does not allow her out. If anything, why would he wish for her to remain isolated from everything and everyone, it could simply turn her heart as cold as her mother’s.
All in all good chapter.
1celestial tearsHaha poor Fedikin, a crash course in sword fighting before going to war has to be extremely stressful, not only on the body but the mind as well. I have never taken any type of lessons where wielding a sword was taught but I wonder if you can see an opponent’s attack coming by observing their muscles; the tension in a bicep or relaxation of the same.
I love the Sinsplitter. It just seems so darn cool.
Discovering that Lady Kithra is not allowed to leave the house not only helps me understand her but possibly other nobles who have little experience with dealing with people different from them. That being said, I still do not like her, haha.
I think it is a great idea to fortify the wall but I honestly hope that if they have a sewage system…I hope someone is guarding it. While it may seem impractical for an entire army to go underground and attack a city that way, there is always a chance of surprise. I feel as if the walls are not going to hold.
It is indeed a terrifying choice to make between a normal life and a legendary one.
T
he moment between the Lady and Hannell was a…..strange one. Yes, it is unfortunate for her mother to leave her but I still do not fully understand why her father does not allow her out. If anything, why would he wish for her to remain isolated from everything and everyone, it could simply turn her heart as cold as her mother’s.
All in all good chapter.
1/18/2011 c20 celestial tears
Heya
The story of Malcion was very interesting and although disturbing, it was also sad in a way. Malcion seemed, almost pitiable in some aspects. The confrontation between Azriel and Malcion was also interesting. Even though Azriel appeared impatient by beheading the human he still managed to have enough patience not to behead Malcion. That being said, Azriel, as I have said before, is such a raging narcissist. I cannot help but smile at the way his mind works sometimes. It is strange that emotions truly seem…universal? In that, non-human beings still demonstrate “human” behavior or emotion or at least the author portrays them that way.
Oh boy, this is not going to be pretty huh?
Heya
The story of Malcion was very interesting and although disturbing, it was also sad in a way. Malcion seemed, almost pitiable in some aspects. The confrontation between Azriel and Malcion was also interesting. Even though Azriel appeared impatient by beheading the human he still managed to have enough patience not to behead Malcion. That being said, Azriel, as I have said before, is such a raging narcissist. I cannot help but smile at the way his mind works sometimes. It is strange that emotions truly seem…universal? In that, non-human beings still demonstrate “human” behavior or emotion or at least the author portrays them that way.
Oh boy, this is not going to be pretty huh?
12/17/2010 c5 this wild abyss
Hmm, it’s been quite a while since I’ve reviewed you. My apologies.
“The sun rose slowly from its abode amongst the distant mountains, bathing the land in rays of warm light, painting the white city of Elirith with a golden sheen.”
- There are two participial phrases close together in this sentence. One participle is all that should be in one sentence in the first place.
“The tranquility of the forest was what he very much needed at this moment.”
- The wording in this sentence was a little awkward. Suggest changing it to: “At this moment, the tranquility of the forest was much needed.” But then we’d have a problem as that immediately asks the question: “needed by who?” I’d just take out that sentence and completely rewords it.
“but they should be dealt with by the Elirithean soldiers by now.”
- Wrong verb tense; ‘should have been dealt with’
“He saw the archers raining arrows on them and he saw the horsemen riding out to cut down the rest.”
- This confused me a bit. Obviously he’s not seeing these things at that moment, so I really don’t understand. If he’s seeing this in a memory or vision, you should explain that to the reader.
“he gently dropped it before a group of [awe-stricken] workers.”
- Should be ‘awe-struck’
- So the brief interlude with Tenecus was interesting. I liked how you characterized both his endurance and his loftiness, like he was something above the others, which he is, obviously, but you made that gap clearer. The only problem I had with that scene was the end, where you mentioned the ‘feminine eyes’. That leads me to believe that you’re narrating this in third-person omniscient, when in reality for most of the time you aren’t at all. Just be careful of that sort of thing, since it can get to be a distraction if done too often.
- In some cases, I’ve seen formal dialogue written with great results, but I feel that while you’re trying to go for that effect here, it isn’t exactly working. The dialogue you use throughout this is very stiff and unrealistic, like your characters are puppets. And it’s not necessarily what they’re saying but the implied tone and mood. It’s just something you’ll have to work on, really.
- This chapter was fairly good, I thought. You included all the important things, and though at times it seems that you’re trying too hard on this, I thought you did a good job for the most part. It all makes sense, and there aren’t any fatal errors or plot holes that I can see. If anything, the problem is that this is a tad bit…boring? This has got the basic bones of a great novel, but it lacks that interesting spark that could bring it up to the next level.
Hmm, it’s been quite a while since I’ve reviewed you. My apologies.
“The sun rose slowly from its abode amongst the distant mountains, bathing the land in rays of warm light, painting the white city of Elirith with a golden sheen.”
- There are two participial phrases close together in this sentence. One participle is all that should be in one sentence in the first place.
“The tranquility of the forest was what he very much needed at this moment.”
- The wording in this sentence was a little awkward. Suggest changing it to: “At this moment, the tranquility of the forest was much needed.” But then we’d have a problem as that immediately asks the question: “needed by who?” I’d just take out that sentence and completely rewords it.
“but they should be dealt with by the Elirithean soldiers by now.”
- Wrong verb tense; ‘should have been dealt with’
“He saw the archers raining arrows on them and he saw the horsemen riding out to cut down the rest.”
- This confused me a bit. Obviously he’s not seeing these things at that moment, so I really don’t understand. If he’s seeing this in a memory or vision, you should explain that to the reader.
“he gently dropped it before a group of [awe-stricken] workers.”
- Should be ‘awe-struck’
- So the brief interlude with Tenecus was interesting. I liked how you characterized both his endurance and his loftiness, like he was something above the others, which he is, obviously, but you made that gap clearer. The only problem I had with that scene was the end, where you mentioned the ‘feminine eyes’. That leads me to believe that you’re narrating this in third-person omniscient, when in reality for most of the time you aren’t at all. Just be careful of that sort of thing, since it can get to be a distraction if done too often.
- In some cases, I’ve seen formal dialogue written with great results, but I feel that while you’re trying to go for that effect here, it isn’t exactly working. The dialogue you use throughout this is very stiff and unrealistic, like your characters are puppets. And it’s not necessarily what they’re saying but the implied tone and mood. It’s just something you’ll have to work on, really.
- This chapter was fairly good, I thought. You included all the important things, and though at times it seems that you’re trying too hard on this, I thought you did a good job for the most part. It all makes sense, and there aren’t any fatal errors or plot holes that I can see. If anything, the problem is that this is a tad bit…boring? This has got the basic bones of a great novel, but it lacks that interesting spark that could bring it up to the next level.
8/17/2010 c19 celestial tears
Oh no, it has been two whole freaking months. Opps…
Summer courses were brutal. I only had Chem. and Chem. lab but gah college Chem. sucks all things unholy.
Philosophy and Psychology, well I hope you enjoy the University. I changed my major to Psych and my minor to English, this way I can work in a field that I enjoy while going to med school.
Sir Cedric, as I have probably said before is a very good character. When you can examine your life, question your existence, weigh the bad and good and still come to the conclusion that you should be kind and do things for the good of mankind, you are a pretty great person.
Classic Berserk moments of Guts “sticking it to the man”.
It was a wise choice to give the spoiler; otherwise, something bad may have happen, not that I am threatening you.
As far as the Fedikin’s thoughts and feelings, they are not a bad thing. If anything, they add to his character to make him more relatable. There have been many times in my life that I have had “inconsistencies” in my thoughts and feelings. I think that when we experience these moments, we are being honest with ourselves in a sense. So, I did not point it out as a bad thing as long as it does not become some sort of weird contradictory multiple personality thing, unless of course he does have a multiple personality.
I like that evil has a chapter.
An army of the undead is like the second best army ever, so that was a great idea on the evil mastermind’s part. I also like how you give serious thought to each character, place and situation, e.g. the fact that it always rains and the dumping of the bodies. In this case, I’d invent the nuke and be done with it.
Ok, I know Azriel is an evil jerk but I like him too, hahahahaha. He was, however cruel, quite right about some things. A human’s life compared to his is as minute as a grain of sand and if the human had not disillusioned himself to think otherwise, Azriel’s words would not have come as such a shock. It would have been more like “Dude, tell me something I don’t know”, oh that poor human. I bet he wished that he had been endowed with some serious magical skills at that moment.
You did a great job at portraying the human’s diminishing…courage. He eventually fell into rambling and reciting things that he had heard all of his life; it did not seem like he believed what he was saying.
Great, Azriel spoke in third person. He seems to be suffering from the same disease as that guy from Inuyasha.
Oh no, it has been two whole freaking months. Opps…
Summer courses were brutal. I only had Chem. and Chem. lab but gah college Chem. sucks all things unholy.
Philosophy and Psychology, well I hope you enjoy the University. I changed my major to Psych and my minor to English, this way I can work in a field that I enjoy while going to med school.
Sir Cedric, as I have probably said before is a very good character. When you can examine your life, question your existence, weigh the bad and good and still come to the conclusion that you should be kind and do things for the good of mankind, you are a pretty great person.
Classic Berserk moments of Guts “sticking it to the man”.
It was a wise choice to give the spoiler; otherwise, something bad may have happen, not that I am threatening you.
As far as the Fedikin’s thoughts and feelings, they are not a bad thing. If anything, they add to his character to make him more relatable. There have been many times in my life that I have had “inconsistencies” in my thoughts and feelings. I think that when we experience these moments, we are being honest with ourselves in a sense. So, I did not point it out as a bad thing as long as it does not become some sort of weird contradictory multiple personality thing, unless of course he does have a multiple personality.
I like that evil has a chapter.
An army of the undead is like the second best army ever, so that was a great idea on the evil mastermind’s part. I also like how you give serious thought to each character, place and situation, e.g. the fact that it always rains and the dumping of the bodies. In this case, I’d invent the nuke and be done with it.
Ok, I know Azriel is an evil jerk but I like him too, hahahahaha. He was, however cruel, quite right about some things. A human’s life compared to his is as minute as a grain of sand and if the human had not disillusioned himself to think otherwise, Azriel’s words would not have come as such a shock. It would have been more like “Dude, tell me something I don’t know”, oh that poor human. I bet he wished that he had been endowed with some serious magical skills at that moment.
You did a great job at portraying the human’s diminishing…courage. He eventually fell into rambling and reciting things that he had heard all of his life; it did not seem like he believed what he was saying.
Great, Azriel spoke in third person. He seems to be suffering from the same disease as that guy from Inuyasha.
8/10/2010 c21 5Dr. Self Destruct
I enjoy how fast paced the battle in the beginning of the chapter is while Sir Cedric and Fedikin train/spar. It keeps my attention, and I can easily picture their movements in my mind. I'm glad you went the extra step and actually explained everything they did-too many times do I see too vague of an explanation in an action scene that makes it dull and uninteresting. Actually, now that I think about it, all of your fight scenes have been wonderfully paced. Great job to that. :)
Oh, and I love how Sir Cedric speaks. His words and vocabulary are always so intelligent, and it makes me think of how a knight really would have spoken back then. Even when he scolds Fedikin on not using his shield enough you can tell how kind of a person he truly is. I envy Fedikin's opportunity to learn how to sword fight from such a renowned individual-such has always been a secret desire of mine of a (now) useless skill that I had always wanted to learn.
Hannell is always so cute with how he tries so hard to prove to Lady Kithra that he's much more than just a slum dweller. It shows his determination and perseverance-Hannell is a character that I quickly began to enjoy and relate to. I would probably act in the same way he does, using all of my strength to show just how worthy I am of the training to become a knight. Lady Kithra is an interesting character as well, what with how she finds so much difficulty in detecting a joke. I am now very interested in why indeed she is now allowed to leave their house-Sir Cidric doesn't seem like the type of person to coddle his daughter, especially after he made her a knight...but I'm sure I'll see the answer to this soon enough.
Looks like I didn't speak a moment too soon! That is indeed an interesting reason behind her reclusive life-it does seem like something her father would do. I enjoy how Hannell attempts to make her see the good things in their city, which I find to be somewhat ironic considering he has experienced so many more hardships than her. I felt sorry for Sir Cedric when Lady Kithra mentions his broken heart-he is such a compassionate individual, and even though he isn't real, I feel sad that he had to experience such heartache.
On a side note, I'm getting close to the end of the chapters you have posted...you know what that means right? Yeah, you better update more soon! ;D
5Dr. Self DestructI enjoy how fast paced the battle in the beginning of the chapter is while Sir Cedric and Fedikin train/spar. It keeps my attention, and I can easily picture their movements in my mind. I'm glad you went the extra step and actually explained everything they did-too many times do I see too vague of an explanation in an action scene that makes it dull and uninteresting. Actually, now that I think about it, all of your fight scenes have been wonderfully paced. Great job to that. :)
Oh, and I love how Sir Cedric speaks. His words and vocabulary are always so intelligent, and it makes me think of how a knight really would have spoken back then. Even when he scolds Fedikin on not using his shield enough you can tell how kind of a person he truly is. I envy Fedikin's opportunity to learn how to sword fight from such a renowned individual-such has always been a secret desire of mine of a (now) useless skill that I had always wanted to learn.
Hannell is always so cute with how he tries so hard to prove to Lady Kithra that he's much more than just a slum dweller. It shows his determination and perseverance-Hannell is a character that I quickly began to enjoy and relate to. I would probably act in the same way he does, using all of my strength to show just how worthy I am of the training to become a knight. Lady Kithra is an interesting character as well, what with how she finds so much difficulty in detecting a joke. I am now very interested in why indeed she is now allowed to leave their house-Sir Cidric doesn't seem like the type of person to coddle his daughter, especially after he made her a knight...but I'm sure I'll see the answer to this soon enough.
Looks like I didn't speak a moment too soon! That is indeed an interesting reason behind her reclusive life-it does seem like something her father would do. I enjoy how Hannell attempts to make her see the good things in their city, which I find to be somewhat ironic considering he has experienced so many more hardships than her. I felt sorry for Sir Cedric when Lady Kithra mentions his broken heart-he is such a compassionate individual, and even though he isn't real, I feel sad that he had to experience such heartache.
On a side note, I'm getting close to the end of the chapters you have posted...you know what that means right? Yeah, you better update more soon! ;D
8/2/2010 c4 this wild abyss
“Elene held [on] a table to maintain her footing as she stumbled after her son…”
- The bracketed word should be changed to “onto”.
“Fedikin was relieved to see that his father was still breathing, he had feared the worst.”
- As it is now, this is a run-on sentence. If you fix it and write it as “…for he had feared the worst.” you’ll fix the problem.
“[Panting heavily], Meldar's face was covered in sweat.”
- Because of the positioning of this participle, you make it sound like it’s the face that is panting, and not the actual person. Be careful of where and how you use participle phrases!
- Remember to watch verb tenses during dialogue. They don’t necessarily need to stay the same, since it’s conversation, but always choose the one that fits best with the subject. I often see you trying to use “have” like the action is in the past, when in reality the character is still doing that thing.
- I don’t know if I can explain this to my satisfaction or yours, but I’ll try. When the father is telling his son about the Wrath that inhabits him, I felt that the explanation was clinical and emotionless. He stated the facts in a perfect fashion that made it seem like it was through route memorization. Considering the turmoil he must have been in at the time all this happened, I’m not sure that he would have been able to recall every single detail with such crisp imagery. It speaks well for you that as an author you are able to present a story in such a way, but as an author it is also your job to let the characters speak for you in a way that is believable and realistic.
“Fedikin, I beg of you only one thing in my life!”
- This sentence is awkward and unwieldy, and I think you could definitely rephrase this to your own benefit. Something like, “Fedikin, I will only ask this one thing of you for the rest of my life…” But on the same subject, Elene is his mother. She would have asked him to do a great many thing during their lifetime, so I don’t think that the idea behind the thought is well-founded.
“…he nearly [jolted] and his father began to elaborate.”
- First, you’re missing a comma after the first thought, as you have a compound sentence here. Also, I’m not sure that you’ve put the right verb here. It seems wrong and somewhat confusing, especially with “nearly” right before it.
“…from the most abominable side of [the] human nature.”
- The bracketed word isn’t really necessary to the sentence.
- When you mention that Fedikin’s meal tastes like dust, it would be a great place to elaborate on his thoughts instead of focusing only on his actions and those of his family.
- If I recall correctly, the family had adopted a boy whose parents had been killed. Where is he, then? Aside from the single scene where he appeared, I don’t think he’s been even mentioned slightly. If that young man had truly been adopted, I’m sure that the family would have talked about him in some way, even if he no longer lives in the house. I notice that you remember him once in regards to the room’s size and then about when he and Fedikin were children, but that’s it. Where is he now, that Fedkin cannot talk to him as he would like to?
- Another nice chapter. The explanation of Meldar’s sudden anger was well-placed, and I enjoyed learning more about the family’s relationship with one another. Tenecus is also an interesting character, and I look forward to discovering about him in future chapters.
“Elene held [on] a table to maintain her footing as she stumbled after her son…”
- The bracketed word should be changed to “onto”.
“Fedikin was relieved to see that his father was still breathing, he had feared the worst.”
- As it is now, this is a run-on sentence. If you fix it and write it as “…for he had feared the worst.” you’ll fix the problem.
“[Panting heavily], Meldar's face was covered in sweat.”
- Because of the positioning of this participle, you make it sound like it’s the face that is panting, and not the actual person. Be careful of where and how you use participle phrases!
- Remember to watch verb tenses during dialogue. They don’t necessarily need to stay the same, since it’s conversation, but always choose the one that fits best with the subject. I often see you trying to use “have” like the action is in the past, when in reality the character is still doing that thing.
- I don’t know if I can explain this to my satisfaction or yours, but I’ll try. When the father is telling his son about the Wrath that inhabits him, I felt that the explanation was clinical and emotionless. He stated the facts in a perfect fashion that made it seem like it was through route memorization. Considering the turmoil he must have been in at the time all this happened, I’m not sure that he would have been able to recall every single detail with such crisp imagery. It speaks well for you that as an author you are able to present a story in such a way, but as an author it is also your job to let the characters speak for you in a way that is believable and realistic.
“Fedikin, I beg of you only one thing in my life!”
- This sentence is awkward and unwieldy, and I think you could definitely rephrase this to your own benefit. Something like, “Fedikin, I will only ask this one thing of you for the rest of my life…” But on the same subject, Elene is his mother. She would have asked him to do a great many thing during their lifetime, so I don’t think that the idea behind the thought is well-founded.
“…he nearly [jolted] and his father began to elaborate.”
- First, you’re missing a comma after the first thought, as you have a compound sentence here. Also, I’m not sure that you’ve put the right verb here. It seems wrong and somewhat confusing, especially with “nearly” right before it.
“…from the most abominable side of [the] human nature.”
- The bracketed word isn’t really necessary to the sentence.
- When you mention that Fedikin’s meal tastes like dust, it would be a great place to elaborate on his thoughts instead of focusing only on his actions and those of his family.
- If I recall correctly, the family had adopted a boy whose parents had been killed. Where is he, then? Aside from the single scene where he appeared, I don’t think he’s been even mentioned slightly. If that young man had truly been adopted, I’m sure that the family would have talked about him in some way, even if he no longer lives in the house. I notice that you remember him once in regards to the room’s size and then about when he and Fedikin were children, but that’s it. Where is he now, that Fedkin cannot talk to him as he would like to?
- Another nice chapter. The explanation of Meldar’s sudden anger was well-placed, and I enjoyed learning more about the family’s relationship with one another. Tenecus is also an interesting character, and I look forward to discovering about him in future chapters.
7/31/2010 c6 TymCon
of this refreshing air", you could cut this to trim.
Okay do you know th ebit where you are describing the city and the surruonding area? You could describe the orign and the area at the start and cut the bit where you say he takes in the area. The character probably would do that, but why would he describe it to himself in that way? He does go out hunting usually. But i have no idea if that would work, it depends on your writitng style. But maybe you could describe the woods as you go on, since that sounds like something you'd notice.
"the fiery orb", wouldn't sun reduce the word count? Unless fiery orb is cultural of course.
"about all his pains", lol for a second i thought sentence said forget about his pants. Lol:P
was wont of their demonic nature", i'm very on the fence about that sentenceXD It's cool, but it sounds awkward.
"It had been fortunate enough that they did not do so in their previous sieges but this time, it could be different.", okay now that suprised me. Surely they'd do that anyway? It depends where they were and what they eat i guess. Okay if they were just outside the walls they might keep it to harvest, but if they were further away wouldn't they burn it in case of forages from the city?
to a potency of a protective father.", i'm bad at grammer so i could be wrong but shouldn't that say the in place of a.
if you want me to be honest you should do some heavy editing on the part where he hears the voice. it was okay but it has the potential to be so much better.
Her face reminded Fedikin of the depiction of angels.", perfect line. I could really imagine a slender, blond and blue eyed person.
Chaste awe", intresting sentence. Not entirely sure if it's good or not. Preety suprising he doesn't feel any lust, but i guess that would happen. It depends on your character if that was good or not. "quivered", can be used as a sensual word, I read it once and that kind of threw me off. Lol. Maybe just me:P
On the contrary, they looked benign.", that may be a bit redundant.
Wo wi really liked the ay she talked to her guards. It was actually kind of refreshing. And funny:P Really gave her a bit of dimension.
I have no idea what it's called but you're doing it a lot. Heres a few examples: "timid modesty", "Grim resolution", "Reverant formality", do you see what i mean. It really distracted me because you were doing it so much.
Hm i kind of liked your depiction of hope but at the same time i didn't. Um, i don't know how to explain it but i'm goign to tryXD You seem to be not lettign her speech describe herself, and instead using your description. um...Like you're describing her every time she says something. No, that's not right. It's good to describe her fascial patterns and mannerisms, but you're kind of describing how she seems to fedklin a lot. Yeah i can't really explain it.
"his expressive arms", sounds kind of awkward.
Wait a second. They let him out. But every Tra'killen in a wathever radius will converge on the purity. So if he's outside of it wouldn't he meet them. I imagined they'd be converging from all directions. Or are thye more organized and the paladins know where they are?
I'm a big fan of the way you described the demon:D I wonder how the paladins asked if he was an ency, does that envys look like humans, or is that the humans who have had their mark put on them by demons?
Okay. One last critism then i'll shut up and get on to the good stuff. You really have to be careful of the way you describe hope. You seem to be saying a lot about her, and yet you don't really need it. The first description was more then enough and just add a slight mannerism every once in awhile. Mystery is always good.
I really liked Hope. Yes most of my complaints are about her but i really like the idea of her character and just the awesomeness of forbidden loveXD
I must admit there wasn't too much character development for Fedklin here. Yeah you said he liked nature and peace but that, i dunno, wasn't really good for me. I must admit a lot of these critiscms are my opinion sort of things. So maybe everybody else loves it,:P
The dialogue was good for what it was. Hope spoke in very celestial talk which was very good. Since she was kind of brought up in that world it probably would rub off on her.
So that's it.:p I have no idea if i'm repaying a review or if you owe me oneXD If you owe me one after this can ask you to pay it back later when i put up a new chapter?
of this refreshing air", you could cut this to trim.
Okay do you know th ebit where you are describing the city and the surruonding area? You could describe the orign and the area at the start and cut the bit where you say he takes in the area. The character probably would do that, but why would he describe it to himself in that way? He does go out hunting usually. But i have no idea if that would work, it depends on your writitng style. But maybe you could describe the woods as you go on, since that sounds like something you'd notice.
"the fiery orb", wouldn't sun reduce the word count? Unless fiery orb is cultural of course.
"about all his pains", lol for a second i thought sentence said forget about his pants. Lol:P
was wont of their demonic nature", i'm very on the fence about that sentenceXD It's cool, but it sounds awkward.
"It had been fortunate enough that they did not do so in their previous sieges but this time, it could be different.", okay now that suprised me. Surely they'd do that anyway? It depends where they were and what they eat i guess. Okay if they were just outside the walls they might keep it to harvest, but if they were further away wouldn't they burn it in case of forages from the city?
to a potency of a protective father.", i'm bad at grammer so i could be wrong but shouldn't that say the in place of a.
if you want me to be honest you should do some heavy editing on the part where he hears the voice. it was okay but it has the potential to be so much better.
Her face reminded Fedikin of the depiction of angels.", perfect line. I could really imagine a slender, blond and blue eyed person.
Chaste awe", intresting sentence. Not entirely sure if it's good or not. Preety suprising he doesn't feel any lust, but i guess that would happen. It depends on your character if that was good or not. "quivered", can be used as a sensual word, I read it once and that kind of threw me off. Lol. Maybe just me:P
On the contrary, they looked benign.", that may be a bit redundant.
Wo wi really liked the ay she talked to her guards. It was actually kind of refreshing. And funny:P Really gave her a bit of dimension.
I have no idea what it's called but you're doing it a lot. Heres a few examples: "timid modesty", "Grim resolution", "Reverant formality", do you see what i mean. It really distracted me because you were doing it so much.
Hm i kind of liked your depiction of hope but at the same time i didn't. Um, i don't know how to explain it but i'm goign to tryXD You seem to be not lettign her speech describe herself, and instead using your description. um...Like you're describing her every time she says something. No, that's not right. It's good to describe her fascial patterns and mannerisms, but you're kind of describing how she seems to fedklin a lot. Yeah i can't really explain it.
"his expressive arms", sounds kind of awkward.
Wait a second. They let him out. But every Tra'killen in a wathever radius will converge on the purity. So if he's outside of it wouldn't he meet them. I imagined they'd be converging from all directions. Or are thye more organized and the paladins know where they are?
I'm a big fan of the way you described the demon:D I wonder how the paladins asked if he was an ency, does that envys look like humans, or is that the humans who have had their mark put on them by demons?
Okay. One last critism then i'll shut up and get on to the good stuff. You really have to be careful of the way you describe hope. You seem to be saying a lot about her, and yet you don't really need it. The first description was more then enough and just add a slight mannerism every once in awhile. Mystery is always good.
I really liked Hope. Yes most of my complaints are about her but i really like the idea of her character and just the awesomeness of forbidden loveXD
I must admit there wasn't too much character development for Fedklin here. Yeah you said he liked nature and peace but that, i dunno, wasn't really good for me. I must admit a lot of these critiscms are my opinion sort of things. So maybe everybody else loves it,:P
The dialogue was good for what it was. Hope spoke in very celestial talk which was very good. Since she was kind of brought up in that world it probably would rub off on her.
So that's it.:p I have no idea if i'm repaying a review or if you owe me oneXD If you owe me one after this can ask you to pay it back later when i put up a new chapter?
7/25/2010 c3 this wild abyss
Don’t tell me, I already know. I’m a horrible procrastinating jerk. There, now you know, too.
- “It was an inglorious hovel.” Good way to open a chapter. In fact, it’s so good that I suggest you switch the sentences around so that that sentence could be your opening line. It’s just that good.
- You use the term “slum-dwelling” and other variants a bit too often for my tastes. There are other words that would mean the same thing, so that way you wouldn’t have to keep using the same word over and over again, which is redundant and jarring to the reader.
- “Targrim's was only half, if [not third,] the size.” For this to make sense, you should put “a” between the two bracketed words.
- “But despite all [these,] Targrim never minded.” Should be “this” or “these things”.
- “Gimme a place to eat, sleep an' empty my [bowels] and I'm a happy man.” There should be a comma after the bracketed word.
- Watch out for compound sentences that don’t have a comma between the two thoughts. If that one piece of punctuation isn’t there, then the whole sentence becomes a run-on.
- “He must be economical with the truth.” Very nice line, that.
- It’s really sweet how Fedikin tries to protect his father, even at the cost of his own dignity. You’ve portrayed a believable father-son relationship here, and I’m glad to see it.
- You described the mundane task of creating a shovel with a beautiful simplicity. Nicely done!
- Grammar tip: in nearly every instance where you use the word “which”, you should have a comma preceding it. In some places punctuation is there, in other it isn’t. I suggest you double check those sentences.
- “It was a [bristling] town, even rivalling Elirith in its density.” Interesting adjective choice, though I’m not sure that I understand its meaning. Do you want “bustling” perhaps?
- You describe Meldar’s reaction very nicely and Fedikin’s subsequent emotions very believably and without emotion on your own part, a very nice thing when dealing with such an intense scene.
- Great last line, though I understand that this is only one half of the chapter itself.
- So, this story is turning out to be really amazing. You balance the two plotlines very nicely, and make the scenes long enough for us to be interested, but not so long that the reader grows tired of hearing about the one character’s separated journey. All in all, this is a brilliant story.
Don’t tell me, I already know. I’m a horrible procrastinating jerk. There, now you know, too.
- “It was an inglorious hovel.” Good way to open a chapter. In fact, it’s so good that I suggest you switch the sentences around so that that sentence could be your opening line. It’s just that good.
- You use the term “slum-dwelling” and other variants a bit too often for my tastes. There are other words that would mean the same thing, so that way you wouldn’t have to keep using the same word over and over again, which is redundant and jarring to the reader.
- “Targrim's was only half, if [not third,] the size.” For this to make sense, you should put “a” between the two bracketed words.
- “But despite all [these,] Targrim never minded.” Should be “this” or “these things”.
- “Gimme a place to eat, sleep an' empty my [bowels] and I'm a happy man.” There should be a comma after the bracketed word.
- Watch out for compound sentences that don’t have a comma between the two thoughts. If that one piece of punctuation isn’t there, then the whole sentence becomes a run-on.
- “He must be economical with the truth.” Very nice line, that.
- It’s really sweet how Fedikin tries to protect his father, even at the cost of his own dignity. You’ve portrayed a believable father-son relationship here, and I’m glad to see it.
- You described the mundane task of creating a shovel with a beautiful simplicity. Nicely done!
- Grammar tip: in nearly every instance where you use the word “which”, you should have a comma preceding it. In some places punctuation is there, in other it isn’t. I suggest you double check those sentences.
- “It was a [bristling] town, even rivalling Elirith in its density.” Interesting adjective choice, though I’m not sure that I understand its meaning. Do you want “bustling” perhaps?
- You describe Meldar’s reaction very nicely and Fedikin’s subsequent emotions very believably and without emotion on your own part, a very nice thing when dealing with such an intense scene.
- Great last line, though I understand that this is only one half of the chapter itself.
- So, this story is turning out to be really amazing. You balance the two plotlines very nicely, and make the scenes long enough for us to be interested, but not so long that the reader grows tired of hearing about the one character’s separated journey. All in all, this is a brilliant story.
7/23/2010 c20 Dr. Self Destruct
The evil which emanates from these chapters is astounding, you do a very good job with showing just how much of an unsavory character Azriel and all of his followers are with every passing sentence.
The history of Malcion was interesting. The way he and his people were linked through their minds only helped to strengthen the loss on his sanity. I thought it was ironic how it seems the desire to uphold his title and remain the best of any healer throughout history caused him to sacrifice his own people on that behalf. He killed them to save them, and stole their organs to do so. Very eerie, yet at the same time intriguing to the lengths the man would go to save those of that he deemed worthy people.
But maybe it wasn't something as selfless as that-perhaps he just wanted the chance to see what he could do with his power, and how far he could take his own experiments. It makes me think of the anime Full Metal Alchemist, when Shou Tucker sacrificed his daughter for the better research of Alchemy. He seems to me like he has the mind-set of a scientist-very interesting when plunged into a world of fantasy. I think it adds a nice touch.
I can only imagine what types of weapons he has thus far developed for the Necromancers, as well as I am eager to see them journey into Elirith and create whatever havoc their minds can conjure in their infinite evil. I have a feeling that I won't be disappointed.
The evil which emanates from these chapters is astounding, you do a very good job with showing just how much of an unsavory character Azriel and all of his followers are with every passing sentence.
The history of Malcion was interesting. The way he and his people were linked through their minds only helped to strengthen the loss on his sanity. I thought it was ironic how it seems the desire to uphold his title and remain the best of any healer throughout history caused him to sacrifice his own people on that behalf. He killed them to save them, and stole their organs to do so. Very eerie, yet at the same time intriguing to the lengths the man would go to save those of that he deemed worthy people.
But maybe it wasn't something as selfless as that-perhaps he just wanted the chance to see what he could do with his power, and how far he could take his own experiments. It makes me think of the anime Full Metal Alchemist, when Shou Tucker sacrificed his daughter for the better research of Alchemy. He seems to me like he has the mind-set of a scientist-very interesting when plunged into a world of fantasy. I think it adds a nice touch.
I can only imagine what types of weapons he has thus far developed for the Necromancers, as well as I am eager to see them journey into Elirith and create whatever havoc their minds can conjure in their infinite evil. I have a feeling that I won't be disappointed.
7/17/2010 c19 Dr. Self Destruct
Does it make me a bad person if Azriel's chapters are always my favorite? I hope not. =(
I enjoy how much thought and description you put into the Necropolis, especially with emphasis on its defenses. It sounds like the only way the place would ever be in danger is if there were some type of aerial attack from above.
That was indeed a unique way to torture someone-I very much enjoy your creativity and how sinister it can become. I think the best part was right before the human started to stab himself to death. The wording of the sentences created a perfect sensation of anticipation.
I'm eager to see if the Celestial really do exist, or if they're nothing more than unreal myths birthed from the corruption of religion. I, for one, really hope they're real-it would be extremely enjoyable to read a fight between the two forces if it ever happened.
Anyway, very good job, I think this is one of my favorite chapters. Keep at it. =)
Does it make me a bad person if Azriel's chapters are always my favorite? I hope not. =(
I enjoy how much thought and description you put into the Necropolis, especially with emphasis on its defenses. It sounds like the only way the place would ever be in danger is if there were some type of aerial attack from above.
That was indeed a unique way to torture someone-I very much enjoy your creativity and how sinister it can become. I think the best part was right before the human started to stab himself to death. The wording of the sentences created a perfect sensation of anticipation.
I'm eager to see if the Celestial really do exist, or if they're nothing more than unreal myths birthed from the corruption of religion. I, for one, really hope they're real-it would be extremely enjoyable to read a fight between the two forces if it ever happened.
Anyway, very good job, I think this is one of my favorite chapters. Keep at it. =)
7/12/2010 c17 Dr. Self Destruct
I'm really starting to enjoy the relationship between Hannell and Kithra. I could already tell as soon as the bandits jumped out at them that he was going to help protect her.
Damn bandits...maybe losing a hand will teach them a lesson.
Also, Dinus was hilarious in the last chapter. I enjoy reading anything with his accent, it really helps paint the picture of him being a dwarf. His little skirmishes with Ryn always make me chuckle.
I'm really looking forward to seeing what Tenecus is capable of.
I'm really starting to enjoy the relationship between Hannell and Kithra. I could already tell as soon as the bandits jumped out at them that he was going to help protect her.
Damn bandits...maybe losing a hand will teach them a lesson.
Also, Dinus was hilarious in the last chapter. I enjoy reading anything with his accent, it really helps paint the picture of him being a dwarf. His little skirmishes with Ryn always make me chuckle.
I'm really looking forward to seeing what Tenecus is capable of.