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for The Red Bus

3/26/2010 c1 Anise Cary
Right away I have to say I like the opening. I'm automatically thinking that this girl has been the center of many interesting stories. Great way to hook the reader.

Twice, she even brought a zip-lock plastic filled with cereal and milk, and used a plastic spoon to eat. - Now that's a very interesting image. I like it; I could see someone doing this, in fact I might have to try it myself.

but halts when I see the girl snapping her hands - This sentence reads a bit oddly to me. Clapping her hands or snapping her fingers would make more sense, well to me anyway.

Another small thing, I would think if the bus had a flat tire that everyone would be required to disembark so that it could be fixed.

This is a very interesting short story. I'd be interested in reading more about this girl.
1/28/2010 c1 faiswingedchronicles
hm mocha...coffee? lol they should be friends..will they?
6/23/2009 c1 7SoneAnna
Well that was an interesting little number. Makes me think of myself at school, hehe.

I liked very much how in the beginning you described the different things the girl would eat for breakfast and bring on the bus for her. It gave a nice little bit of a "background" (dare I say) to her.

I ALSO liked your style of narration, with the Mr. Seemingly-Normal-Bystander-To-Weirdness guy, and his tale of the strange girl. It's a bit overused, but you played it out nicely.
6/18/2009 c1 1CJ1985
Pretty good, but it doesn't feel complete. It needs additional chapters, or for the story to go somewhere. I like the quirky odd girl though, she's an interesting character.
6/17/2009 c1 4BlaznFangurl
Hello :) I just wanted to thank you for the review and the favorites and stuff, you rock. I am also here to return the favor :)

Lol, I liked it! It was completely random lol but I liked it. Nice job :)
6/13/2009 c1 Chancee
OH that was so cute! I liked that. You are a good writer. this was clean and to the point and I did not realize it was a little boy.

I like the little tone of childishness that was present in the use of your words and their little stare was adoreable. He was really well described and it wasn't too much and too little. I think you did a good job and you need to keep it up.'

I'll try to read your longer pieces okay. Great going!

Momo the author of My Queen - Pay it forward the Roadhouse
6/12/2009 c1 5Said Author
Hehe, this was very cute actually! :}
6/12/2009 c1 9Davvn
"Aw." -Me.

I really liked the dialogue and the simple descriptions; they brought a lot of feeling (to me anyway) without over-dramatizing any of it. Very good. (:

The only criticism I have is your phtrasing: you repeat words where you don't need to. For example, in the first paragraph you use the word "bus" three times, which would be okay except that it's such a short passage.

We already know you're watching her from the bus, so you don't have to specify that she is getting on a bus. You could just say, "I watched from my seat as she barely makes it to the doors of the bus." Or, "I watched from my seat on the red bus as she barely makes it to the doors."

Also, in the second line, I think it would flow better if you just said, "She was frantically running, probably late for school again."
6/12/2009 c1 28mikey magee
I loved the opening. It had a nice hook and made me want to read on.

You have to work on some of the phrasing though. It constructed a lot of really odd sentences. For example, the third paragraph should be apart of the second paragraph, and that period (at the end of the second paragraph) should be changed to a comma, otherwise it just reads like a sentence fragment.

I did like the dialog. It was short, too the point and got the information out quickly.
6/12/2009 c1 Enhancemynightmare72
That was a very... interesting piece.

And also very cute, I like the plot :)

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