for The Hurricane of My Life4/7/2010 c13 
2Because I'm So Evil
*gulp* I'm curious, though, as to the moral, I suppose. Eventually you're going to get to the theme, and I'm starting to get... nervous...
2Because I'm So Evil*gulp* I'm curious, though, as to the moral, I suppose. Eventually you're going to get to the theme, and I'm starting to get... nervous...
4/7/2010 c12 Because I'm So Evil
Oh dear... Did he drug her? Hopefully not rape her. That would be... oh, dear, I hope they're not doing what I think they are.
Oh dear... Did he drug her? Hopefully not rape her. That would be... oh, dear, I hope they're not doing what I think they are.
4/7/2010 c11 Because I'm So Evil
This is without a doubt contrived- and I'm pretty sure you're aware of that. Why else would Kellie mention that Millar is pregnant? And Danny's reasons were unbelievably lame to be real. Oh dear...
This is without a doubt contrived- and I'm pretty sure you're aware of that. Why else would Kellie mention that Millar is pregnant? And Danny's reasons were unbelievably lame to be real. Oh dear...
4/7/2010 c10 Because I'm So Evil
Hm... mean idea, but this is just strange. I can't say I'm buying it. But I'll keep reading...
Hm... mean idea, but this is just strange. I can't say I'm buying it. But I'll keep reading...
4/7/2010 c9 Because I'm So Evil
Okay, something is seriously wrong. And you're going a bit too fast, I feel. It's just... strange...
Okay, something is seriously wrong. And you're going a bit too fast, I feel. It's just... strange...
4/7/2010 c8 Because I'm So Evil
Something about this is way too easy. If you're not plotting something (which needs to be drawn on and detailed a little more) than this plot is highly unrealisitc.
Something about this is way too easy. If you're not plotting something (which needs to be drawn on and detailed a little more) than this plot is highly unrealisitc.
4/7/2010 c7 Because I'm So Evil
If her dad isn't diseased, I don't know what's wrong with him. Since when do adults act like that? I mean, honestly, with those actions he's gotta be a little... *ahem* more challenged than the average working adult. So... I'd revise...
The drinking scene was rather funny and horrible. Hooray to Diana for standing up against peer pressure and not doing the wrong thing!
If her dad isn't diseased, I don't know what's wrong with him. Since when do adults act like that? I mean, honestly, with those actions he's gotta be a little... *ahem* more challenged than the average working adult. So... I'd revise...
The drinking scene was rather funny and horrible. Hooray to Diana for standing up against peer pressure and not doing the wrong thing!
4/7/2010 c6 Because I'm So Evil
Hm... I'll save serious comments til the next page. Once again, I'm not a fan of Julia. I do feel like there's more to her, though- something up her sleeve.
Hm... I'll save serious comments til the next page. Once again, I'm not a fan of Julia. I do feel like there's more to her, though- something up her sleeve.
4/7/2010 c5 Because I'm So Evil
I can tell you're not a professional writer. That is still not a good enough excuse for not trying to get this published (if you're using that). The opening lines of this chapter were so perfect. Heavens, what natural talent you have!
But honestly, Diana's "You're just like Evil Person X" come-back is a little weak. actually, that's an understatement. If you're trying to reveal that she stinks at coming back at come-backs, it's working. If you're not- that's what I'm getting. But honestly, the father needs to understand that's just an act of immaturity. It is really childish the way he handled that.
*glares at Julia* Stay away from Diana! She's a perfectly likeable narrator and you're a weak, not very interesting antagonist which appears to be transforming the plot into an unnecessary and, at this point, unbelievable copy of Mean Girls!
I can tell you're not a professional writer. That is still not a good enough excuse for not trying to get this published (if you're using that). The opening lines of this chapter were so perfect. Heavens, what natural talent you have!
But honestly, Diana's "You're just like Evil Person X" come-back is a little weak. actually, that's an understatement. If you're trying to reveal that she stinks at coming back at come-backs, it's working. If you're not- that's what I'm getting. But honestly, the father needs to understand that's just an act of immaturity. It is really childish the way he handled that.
*glares at Julia* Stay away from Diana! She's a perfectly likeable narrator and you're a weak, not very interesting antagonist which appears to be transforming the plot into an unnecessary and, at this point, unbelievable copy of Mean Girls!
4/7/2010 c4 Because I'm So Evil
CURSES! I lost my review explaining why the reference to Mary-sues did you more harm than good! I even put in a joke! *seethes* Anyway, I'd take that out because it's a fan-fiction reference and non-fan-fiction readers won't know that, and because it makes it sound like you intentionally made your character not a Mary-sue, which I don't really believe you did.
Anyway, you could really use an editor. I feel like, with the right person, you could really be making these words sparkle more than they already do. Also, I'm not sure I was gaga over the final confrontation between Diana and her Dad. It sounded kind of typical and contrived? I don't know; the whole "you're just like Evil Person X" seems a bit clichéd now-a-days and is more like the insult you say when you can't think of anything else.
But I'm still intrigued! Moving on!
CURSES! I lost my review explaining why the reference to Mary-sues did you more harm than good! I even put in a joke! *seethes* Anyway, I'd take that out because it's a fan-fiction reference and non-fan-fiction readers won't know that, and because it makes it sound like you intentionally made your character not a Mary-sue, which I don't really believe you did.
Anyway, you could really use an editor. I feel like, with the right person, you could really be making these words sparkle more than they already do. Also, I'm not sure I was gaga over the final confrontation between Diana and her Dad. It sounded kind of typical and contrived? I don't know; the whole "you're just like Evil Person X" seems a bit clichéd now-a-days and is more like the insult you say when you can't think of anything else.
But I'm still intrigued! Moving on!
4/7/2010 c3 Because I'm So Evil
Basically, all I've said previously applies here. There's no sense repeating things; besides, it's not like each chapter is going to get magically better without you correcting anything, is it? Lol So, I won't patronize. Anyway, interesting turn of events. Diana wonders if he's married? That's intriguing...
Basically, all I've said previously applies here. There's no sense repeating things; besides, it's not like each chapter is going to get magically better without you correcting anything, is it? Lol So, I won't patronize. Anyway, interesting turn of events. Diana wonders if he's married? That's intriguing...
4/7/2010 c2 Because I'm So Evil
Here a few big no-no's you need to avoid. First of all, for some reason, bold is a no-no. Underlines are even taboo a lot of times. So to do emphasis, use italics- apparently it's the more professional way of doing it. Also, use strong verbs as opposed to all caps, which look juevenile and messy and, again, aren't "professional." Although, on that note, I know I've seen them before- just not used like this. Your description of Chris is quite interesting. I'd almost say that why Rose couldn't see beyond him is ought of character- however, it really isn't. For some reason, I lot of pretty girls think that somehow their attractiveness and optimism will change selfish men with low-self-esteem and manipulative personalities. I love that she gets a wake up call; brilliantly realistic. Your grammar still has issues and I think you have a few mispelled words. Optimistices? I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's just optimists. I've never heard "optimistices" before. Another thing, the mother and father split over an abortion? That almost seems a little drastic- maybe it's not, though. If my wife prompted my daughter to get an abortion... yeah, I guess I'd do the same. And that the girl's not on the list. I have a somewhat hard time believing that. Perhaps I don't know the mother that well. I have a strange feeling this is based on real events.
Anyway, sorry if I sound overly critical, but you deserve critical. It appears that you are a promising writer, and as a fellow writer and critic, I want to help you rise to your full potential. So if I sound critical, take it as "you're worth it." So that's a compliment! (I feel liike it sounds insulting; it's not, though. Anyway...)
Your chapters are kind of bothering me, though. I can't help feeling that they seem more like journel entries than chapters. They're short, written in first-person present perspective (at least this one was... was the other? If not, they should always stay in the same perspective), and don't really seem terribly attached.
Anyway, moving on. Again, your narrator just sparkles.
Here a few big no-no's you need to avoid. First of all, for some reason, bold is a no-no. Underlines are even taboo a lot of times. So to do emphasis, use italics- apparently it's the more professional way of doing it. Also, use strong verbs as opposed to all caps, which look juevenile and messy and, again, aren't "professional." Although, on that note, I know I've seen them before- just not used like this. Your description of Chris is quite interesting. I'd almost say that why Rose couldn't see beyond him is ought of character- however, it really isn't. For some reason, I lot of pretty girls think that somehow their attractiveness and optimism will change selfish men with low-self-esteem and manipulative personalities. I love that she gets a wake up call; brilliantly realistic. Your grammar still has issues and I think you have a few mispelled words. Optimistices? I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's just optimists. I've never heard "optimistices" before. Another thing, the mother and father split over an abortion? That almost seems a little drastic- maybe it's not, though. If my wife prompted my daughter to get an abortion... yeah, I guess I'd do the same. And that the girl's not on the list. I have a somewhat hard time believing that. Perhaps I don't know the mother that well. I have a strange feeling this is based on real events.
Anyway, sorry if I sound overly critical, but you deserve critical. It appears that you are a promising writer, and as a fellow writer and critic, I want to help you rise to your full potential. So if I sound critical, take it as "you're worth it." So that's a compliment! (I feel liike it sounds insulting; it's not, though. Anyway...)
Your chapters are kind of bothering me, though. I can't help feeling that they seem more like journel entries than chapters. They're short, written in first-person present perspective (at least this one was... was the other? If not, they should always stay in the same perspective), and don't really seem terribly attached.
Anyway, moving on. Again, your narrator just sparkles.
4/7/2010 c1 Because I'm So Evil
Hm, this seems intriguing. Your grammar is a tad bit off, Diana seems like an instantly predictable High-School villainess, and if this isn't a prologue it's rather too short for a story. However, your narration is distinctively unique and realistic- really nice job on the tone and immediately establishing a character audiences can relate to and shape in their minds.
Hm, this seems intriguing. Your grammar is a tad bit off, Diana seems like an instantly predictable High-School villainess, and if this isn't a prologue it's rather too short for a story. However, your narration is distinctively unique and realistic- really nice job on the tone and immediately establishing a character audiences can relate to and shape in their minds.
12/10/2009 c27 5Ms. Poe
Oh, wow. That was just fucking awesome (sorry, but "freaking" is simply NOT a strong enough word to use for the awesomeness of this story). Can't wait for the sequel. Get it up soon! :D
And now I shall go PM you your English lesson of the day - I mean, the grammar/typo corrections ...
5Ms. PoeOh, wow. That was just fucking awesome (sorry, but "freaking" is simply NOT a strong enough word to use for the awesomeness of this story). Can't wait for the sequel. Get it up soon! :D
And now I shall go PM you your English lesson of the day - I mean, the grammar/typo corrections ...
12/9/2009 c27 2SiriusLives1234
that was awesome laurie! i really loved it a lot! i can't wait until the sequal comes out! hope i get to see you really soon! :)
~sizzle~
ps.thank you again for the bible! it means more to me than you will ever know :)
2SiriusLives1234that was awesome laurie! i really loved it a lot! i can't wait until the sequal comes out! hope i get to see you really soon! :)
~sizzle~
ps.thank you again for the bible! it means more to me than you will ever know :)