for Fast Cars and Freedom3/16/2010 c24 
6EmmaWoodhouse88
I read this story before you did the rewrite, and j liked it. But I love this verdin of it. It had a beautiful ending.
6EmmaWoodhouse88I read this story before you did the rewrite, and j liked it. But I love this verdin of it. It had a beautiful ending.
3/16/2010 c24 5BJArthur
well, it turned out to be okay. you finished this story a lot stronger then you started, with a solid, easy-to-read and rather enjoyable writing style. this story still needs polishing, but it does look like it's a good place to start. i would suggest (if you were ever to rewrite this) that you make it a bit more believable. an 18 year old would not be able to deal with everything that Stell went through. if she's supposed to be young, a good age would be 23-24, i think. and for Phoenix, almost 30-32. it takes a while to build up underworld connections and a reputation such as he had. there were no plot holes that i could see reading it the first go-around, but everything cleaned up a little too neat and tidy considering the mess they were all into. but everyone loves babies, so i can't fault you there.
i think that if you rewrote this, you could probably milk a sequel out of it. i'm not sure who you'd use for focus, maybe Ph.'s old fellon life coming back to haunt the new family he's made with Stell, or Dante comes back and tells Stell that he's madly in love with her (:D), but i could definitely see a sequel happening some how. if you're up for it, that is.
anyway, it turned out to be worth slogging through the first few chapters. it developed into a rather enjoyable story, one that i could easily see playing out in my mind. the characters (mostly) stayed true to themselves the entire way through and the plot kept a nearly constant pace. i think you could turn this into something really great.
good luck!
~BJ~
5BJArthurwell, it turned out to be okay. you finished this story a lot stronger then you started, with a solid, easy-to-read and rather enjoyable writing style. this story still needs polishing, but it does look like it's a good place to start. i would suggest (if you were ever to rewrite this) that you make it a bit more believable. an 18 year old would not be able to deal with everything that Stell went through. if she's supposed to be young, a good age would be 23-24, i think. and for Phoenix, almost 30-32. it takes a while to build up underworld connections and a reputation such as he had. there were no plot holes that i could see reading it the first go-around, but everything cleaned up a little too neat and tidy considering the mess they were all into. but everyone loves babies, so i can't fault you there.
i think that if you rewrote this, you could probably milk a sequel out of it. i'm not sure who you'd use for focus, maybe Ph.'s old fellon life coming back to haunt the new family he's made with Stell, or Dante comes back and tells Stell that he's madly in love with her (:D), but i could definitely see a sequel happening some how. if you're up for it, that is.
anyway, it turned out to be worth slogging through the first few chapters. it developed into a rather enjoyable story, one that i could easily see playing out in my mind. the characters (mostly) stayed true to themselves the entire way through and the plot kept a nearly constant pace. i think you could turn this into something really great.
good luck!
~BJ~
3/16/2010 c16 BJArthur
Dante should call Stell "tesora", not "tesoro." the -a ending is feminine. big fan of Dante, by the way. i liked what little we saw of him. i'd be interested in what kind of development you'd have for him if you were to re-write this story. i don't think that i'd take Phoenix back if i were Stell, not after meeting the Italian Stallion who totally does not seem to be doing illegal things. Team Dante all the way!
and again with the Ph. being too old for her. i don't see it.
~BJ~
Dante should call Stell "tesora", not "tesoro." the -a ending is feminine. big fan of Dante, by the way. i liked what little we saw of him. i'd be interested in what kind of development you'd have for him if you were to re-write this story. i don't think that i'd take Phoenix back if i were Stell, not after meeting the Italian Stallion who totally does not seem to be doing illegal things. Team Dante all the way!
and again with the Ph. being too old for her. i don't see it.
~BJ~
3/15/2010 c13 BJArthur
oh, the 350 GTV. that is one fine looking car. but from what i remember it was merely a prototype, a concept car, and they couldn't fit an engine in it until '64, at which point they solidified the design and the hood, dropped the 'V' and the horsepower dropped from 350 to 270, rising to 320 only with optional equipment adjustments/additions. that is a fine car, though, and rare from what i gather.
your grammar still needs work. you use a lot of unnecessary commas. but there is great improvement from the beginning of this story. it is coming together at this point.
good job.
~BJ~
oh, the 350 GTV. that is one fine looking car. but from what i remember it was merely a prototype, a concept car, and they couldn't fit an engine in it until '64, at which point they solidified the design and the hood, dropped the 'V' and the horsepower dropped from 350 to 270, rising to 320 only with optional equipment adjustments/additions. that is a fine car, though, and rare from what i gather.
your grammar still needs work. you use a lot of unnecessary commas. but there is great improvement from the beginning of this story. it is coming together at this point.
good job.
~BJ~
3/15/2010 c11 BJArthur
you almost had it this chapter. the cliched sister talk is... well, cliched. everything before that was on par with the end of 8, then 9 and 10. hit that talk, though, and it's almost like you regressed which worried me. the rest of the chapter, all the bits after that talk, were like you were building back up to where you were before. you didn't end the chapter as strong as you began it, but it was better then that silly talk. i can understand wanting to make Joz seem human and not a total Barbie, though. but i think if you went back and re-wrote the talk between Stell and Joz, make it less "well even a blind person could see that coming" in regards to Joz always envying Stell and wishing she could be as perfect as her sister, i think this chapter could be your strongest yet, structure-wise.
~BJ~
you almost had it this chapter. the cliched sister talk is... well, cliched. everything before that was on par with the end of 8, then 9 and 10. hit that talk, though, and it's almost like you regressed which worried me. the rest of the chapter, all the bits after that talk, were like you were building back up to where you were before. you didn't end the chapter as strong as you began it, but it was better then that silly talk. i can understand wanting to make Joz seem human and not a total Barbie, though. but i think if you went back and re-wrote the talk between Stell and Joz, make it less "well even a blind person could see that coming" in regards to Joz always envying Stell and wishing she could be as perfect as her sister, i think this chapter could be your strongest yet, structure-wise.
~BJ~
3/15/2010 c9 BJArthur
well, the last part of Ch.8 and most of this chapter show massive improvement. not only in development but in style too. i'm kind of seeing how it's along the line of Fast and Furious with the underground car world, but i like how it's got this high-end twist to it. and anything with a good NOS chase gets an A.
why is it such a big deal that he's older then her, though? we're never told Phoenix's age. i know that Estelle is 18, and Randi must be around 19-20 if he's at his first year of college. if Phoenix is Randi's age, then that's not a big deal. even if Ph. were 25, that would still be at least kind of okay. Stell is the age of consent; it would be weird if Ph. were 28 and she 18. sometimes he acts 28 and sometimes he acts 25, so i'm having a bit of a problem pinning him down. most likely, i probably missed the part where you said how much older he is than her.
there are some spelling errors (like 'straddled' not 'strattled' at the end of this chapter) and your grammar needs polishing, but as i said - your style is improving at this point, and very nicely, too (especially that lovely bit at the end of this chapter!)
~BJ~
well, the last part of Ch.8 and most of this chapter show massive improvement. not only in development but in style too. i'm kind of seeing how it's along the line of Fast and Furious with the underground car world, but i like how it's got this high-end twist to it. and anything with a good NOS chase gets an A.
why is it such a big deal that he's older then her, though? we're never told Phoenix's age. i know that Estelle is 18, and Randi must be around 19-20 if he's at his first year of college. if Phoenix is Randi's age, then that's not a big deal. even if Ph. were 25, that would still be at least kind of okay. Stell is the age of consent; it would be weird if Ph. were 28 and she 18. sometimes he acts 28 and sometimes he acts 25, so i'm having a bit of a problem pinning him down. most likely, i probably missed the part where you said how much older he is than her.
there are some spelling errors (like 'straddled' not 'strattled' at the end of this chapter) and your grammar needs polishing, but as i said - your style is improving at this point, and very nicely, too (especially that lovely bit at the end of this chapter!)
~BJ~
3/14/2010 c1 BJArthur
you do know that a Bugatti Veyron costs almost 2million US dollars, right? every part of that car is handmade, and replacement parts are virtually impossible, so it doesn't make very much sense to use it in a venue where it'll need constant maintenance, such as racing even though it is one of the fastest cars ever made - if not the fastest. the cost for replacement tires alone is enough to give someone a heart attack. as amazing as the Veyron is, it doesn't seem to be the kind of car a parent would by as a gift for their child. and i'm thinking that if Toni and Daphne could spend that much money on a high school graduation present, they probably could have afforded a nicer car for Estelle for her sweet 16.
other than that, the story seems a little hard to follow. the sentence structure is strange. and the characterizations are a little hard to believe. so far, though, it does seem like a good spring board, a good place to start from. if the characters could be a little less cliched (good twin/bad twin; parents who simply don't understand their sainted/martyred child), i think it could be very good. you've obviously put a lot of thought into this, a lot of love into this work. i'd be interested in seeing how you'd fix it up.
good luck.
~BJ~
you do know that a Bugatti Veyron costs almost 2million US dollars, right? every part of that car is handmade, and replacement parts are virtually impossible, so it doesn't make very much sense to use it in a venue where it'll need constant maintenance, such as racing even though it is one of the fastest cars ever made - if not the fastest. the cost for replacement tires alone is enough to give someone a heart attack. as amazing as the Veyron is, it doesn't seem to be the kind of car a parent would by as a gift for their child. and i'm thinking that if Toni and Daphne could spend that much money on a high school graduation present, they probably could have afforded a nicer car for Estelle for her sweet 16.
other than that, the story seems a little hard to follow. the sentence structure is strange. and the characterizations are a little hard to believe. so far, though, it does seem like a good spring board, a good place to start from. if the characters could be a little less cliched (good twin/bad twin; parents who simply don't understand their sainted/martyred child), i think it could be very good. you've obviously put a lot of thought into this, a lot of love into this work. i'd be interested in seeing how you'd fix it up.
good luck.
~BJ~
3/13/2010 c24 18DreamingAlwaysnForever
So you totally had me hooked through the entire story. I loved that the people were so real and none of it seemed fake like so many "romance" stories do. This really deserves to be published because it's just as good as, if not better than, most of the junk that passes for readable fiction nowadays. Beuatiful story and I am in love with Phoenix and Estelle. I liked that she wouldn't take any shit and that when he wouldn't tell her what was going on, she stuck to her guns and left him. She was feisty and admirable like any truly epic heroine should be! Awesome job and keep writing please, because you have a fan in me! Oh, and I have a book that I think you would like. The author's writing style kind of reminds me of you (but I think you're better!). It's called "Perfect Chemistry" by: Simone Elkeles
18DreamingAlwaysnForeverSo you totally had me hooked through the entire story. I loved that the people were so real and none of it seemed fake like so many "romance" stories do. This really deserves to be published because it's just as good as, if not better than, most of the junk that passes for readable fiction nowadays. Beuatiful story and I am in love with Phoenix and Estelle. I liked that she wouldn't take any shit and that when he wouldn't tell her what was going on, she stuck to her guns and left him. She was feisty and admirable like any truly epic heroine should be! Awesome job and keep writing please, because you have a fan in me! Oh, and I have a book that I think you would like. The author's writing style kind of reminds me of you (but I think you're better!). It's called "Perfect Chemistry" by: Simone Elkeles
3/13/2010 c24 animegirl214
aw!~
wow. that was a BIG re-write.
i didnt expect that at all!
thanks so much for this story! :D :D :D
aw!~
wow. that was a BIG re-write.
i didnt expect that at all!
thanks so much for this story! :D :D :D
3/13/2010 c24 1TammyS3
Amazing story, especially because even though bad things happened they dealed with it. Kudos!:)
1TammyS3Amazing story, especially because even though bad things happened they dealed with it. Kudos!:)
3/12/2010 c1 taylor057
How come there are only 10 chapters now werent there more last time? they seem all messed
How come there are only 10 chapters now werent there more last time? they seem all messed
10/9/2009 c17 Jester79
Great story so far. Hope you continue with it. I'm a huge car fan as well, I own a 71 Chevelle. Hope everything is going ok for your grandfather.
Great story so far. Hope you continue with it. I'm a huge car fan as well, I own a 71 Chevelle. Hope everything is going ok for your grandfather.