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for Homo Umbra

1/18/2010 c5 1Nanniko
Y'ello! Reviewers Alliance R&R (Request for Reviews) confirmed! :D

Interesting plot, but I'll stay away from that. I think that plot is given to the author and shouldn't be manipulated by anyone else (unless said author asks for help), so I'll leave the idea forming to you, which you seem to be farely good at.

Grammar. It's not bad, it's actually quite good compared to others I have read, but it can be better. Don't beat yourself up over it, though. it's just a pet peeve of mine.

Writing style. Nicely structured, good incorporation of logs, but a little weak in creativity (in my opinion). Seeing as it's a very lab-like scenario, a lab-like story-telling isn't very surprising. I know, you've written more chapters past this, but unless I intend to continue reading a story, I usually stop at chapter five. So, I don't know if you've changed anything or not in the proceeding chapters. I'm just sayin', it's a little stale.

Your plot moves quite quickly, but I hope that your story will incorporate other literature elements other than. It gets quite boring after a while, almost like you're reading a history textbook. Just be aware, it's not a problem at the moment.

Keep it up, nice species name, and my best wishes :)
7/4/2009 c3 Chancee
Oh poor things. I feel bad for our race at this moment. I wonder what these little things are doing. They seemed to be very mysterious and I would like to see when they get into action.

As for the young lady wanting to repopulate the world...Hm...I will leave my comments about that off due to well I think that leaves the door open for her and some unfortunate trials later on if the males get up the urge. Okay I'll keep this clean but the last line was griping and it carries the theme of hopelessness that you have which is good to stay consistent.

Good job! Sorry I have been busy so this review is late...

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it forward the Roadhouse
7/1/2009 c8 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
I can see the changes you've made here, and I'm not sure which version I prefer. This one has more emotions, and seems more personal, but I liked reading the Overseer's Log entries in the previous version! :)

~ Sakina x

(don't forget to pay it forward, from the Roadhouse)
7/1/2009 c7 Sakina the Fallen Angel
Reading this made me squirm, but also makes me want to shake her and tell her not to give up!

~ Sakina x
7/1/2009 c6 Sakina the Fallen Angel
Ah dear...Rose is causing trouble and she doesn't even know it!

~ Sakina x
7/1/2009 c5 Sakina the Fallen Angel
Oh, what an awful experiment! :'(

I can see her point of view though, but that doesn't stop my heart from aching for the poor puppy!

~ Sakina x
7/1/2009 c4 Sakina the Fallen Angel
Hey, if you're looking for detail in your story, then I'd suggest this correction:

I’ve dyed the homo umbra [Homo umbra should be italics, if you're gonna be pedantically scientifically correct, and the Homo should be capitalised :P] cells blue

Oh dear...the ending of this chapter makes Rose sound a bit creepy due to her sheer determination...

~ Sakina x
7/1/2009 c3 Sakina the Fallen Angel
I like the voice of the overseer ~ he has that weary resigned tone, yet there are still vestiges of a fighting spirit. Also, including these logs gives your story an epic feel to it, elevates the story to grander heights. I'm guessing Roswell's daughter is Rose?

~ Sakina x
7/1/2009 c2 Sakina the Fallen Angel
Yuck; I'd hate to have to eat the stuff Rose eats. The world you've created here seems very believable, and I even liked the detail you went to in showing how the lack of universities impacted upon her life.

~ Sakina x
7/1/2009 c1 Sakina the Fallen Angel
Saw your offer on Roadhouse and it was too good to refuse! This is a very interesting premise and definitely draws me in...onto the next chapter! :)

~ Sakina x
6/27/2009 c2 Chancee
This has a very steady pace to it. I like how you sort of slowed things down with the introduction of our MC I am assuming and the fact she is working in medicine. I also really like the way that you describe things around her.

I could see the poor dead sole in the bunker. I wonder what's up with the whole reproduction thing. Does she have a donor in mind?

I also like the way you talked about the food and the over all plight of the world now that the environment was horribly hostile.

You did a great job of giving the picture of this planet in horrid condition that I felt I was trying to breath in the nasty air too, especially when she said she was drinking merky water...YUCK!

Oh and the number of pills they have to take...Man that is just terrible. I think the pills could be harming the newborns too but I will wait to see what will happen next.

I will make sure I continue this for you, but I can't promise I will do it in one setting. I am making sure everyone in the bar gets served.

Overall still intriguing and smart.

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it forward the Roadhouse
6/25/2009 c1 Chancee
OH this is sort of creepy sci-fi! I like it!

Just the title draws you in and the line of the prologue that had me laughing was 'something like food if you were crazy...' That sounded like school lunch to me...LOL'D.

The voice that I heard when I read this was really good. I am not sure if it will continue but the way you set us up for the history of the shadows is really gripping. I like the way you wrote this in a narrative way and I look forward to reading more. Your concept of what our shadows really are is unique and I'm glad to see that it is so different. Bravo for that!

Great start and will be getting to more!

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it forward the roadhouse
6/20/2009 c7 6ephemeral dance
Wow... this is getting crazy intense. You're building things up perfectly and the pacing is nice. Good job, can't wait for more!
6/20/2009 c6 ephemeral dance
Nice! I do so love the bits with overseer's log, which I believe I already mentioned... Short and sweet. Well, er, not sweet exactly, but, you know what I mean. It gets the job done in an interesting way.
6/20/2009 c5 ephemeral dance
Oh... that was so sad. It hurt my heart to read. I was glad that Rose showed a considerable amount of remorse for what she had done, or else I would probably loathe her character completely now. Good job!
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