for The Last Adventure of Peter Ambrotious7/9/2009 c3 
1Viofor
I really like it so far. There are a few typo's but nothing a good twice through shouldn't handle.
Your characters actions are well thought out and seem natural in this unnatural place.
1VioforI really like it so far. There are a few typo's but nothing a good twice through shouldn't handle.
Your characters actions are well thought out and seem natural in this unnatural place.
7/9/2009 c2 Viofor
"...the kind of voice that would have done well as a narrator for television ads." This description doesn't seem to fit in with the story. I don't think Peter has been alive long enough to watch TV. Who would broadcast when the world is ending? I just think it's a description that the 'characters' can't relate to.
"...the kind of voice that would have done well as a narrator for television ads." This description doesn't seem to fit in with the story. I don't think Peter has been alive long enough to watch TV. Who would broadcast when the world is ending? I just think it's a description that the 'characters' can't relate to.
7/9/2009 c1 Viofor
"There is nothing more surreal or [more] terrifying than a sky with two moons." omit [more]. It becomes repetitious.
"It was said..." Aren't we on Mars? I'm assuming it's inhabitants are still very new. So who was saying all these things?
He has a very poetic mind for a scientist. I like his description. It's very original and unique.
"There is nothing more surreal or [more] terrifying than a sky with two moons." omit [more]. It becomes repetitious.
"It was said..." Aren't we on Mars? I'm assuming it's inhabitants are still very new. So who was saying all these things?
He has a very poetic mind for a scientist. I like his description. It's very original and unique.
7/8/2009 c1 bUtCHEr pEtE
"and a porn star mustache." Classic!
Do people still watch porn in the future? Bowchickabowow!
Nice chap, man! Great story.
"and a porn star mustache." Classic!
Do people still watch porn in the future? Bowchickabowow!
Nice chap, man! Great story.
7/6/2009 c1 15Eigenvector
I'm usually not a huge fan of science fiction, but I can make exceptions now and again- this is definitely one of those times.
Your description is top-notch: I appreciate how you took the time to inject some (sometimes surprising) humor into such a dire situation.
However, make sure (this was pretty apparent in the first chapter) that you cut down on some of the repetitiveness of some of the adjectives you used to describe the station (or was it purely stylistic?).
There's some really interesting character interaction in the second chapter- the tension was very clear between the man and his wife. I especially liked this sentence:
"In the midst of their replication 1950s suburban kitchen and fake chicken, Peter allowed himself to pretend human love still existed."
Keep up the good work!
15EigenvectorI'm usually not a huge fan of science fiction, but I can make exceptions now and again- this is definitely one of those times.
Your description is top-notch: I appreciate how you took the time to inject some (sometimes surprising) humor into such a dire situation.
However, make sure (this was pretty apparent in the first chapter) that you cut down on some of the repetitiveness of some of the adjectives you used to describe the station (or was it purely stylistic?).
There's some really interesting character interaction in the second chapter- the tension was very clear between the man and his wife. I especially liked this sentence:
"In the midst of their replication 1950s suburban kitchen and fake chicken, Peter allowed himself to pretend human love still existed."
Keep up the good work!