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for we are summer

10/25/2009 c1 1tonight we bloom
you are brilliant
6/20/2009 c1 Isca
"We're nothing but sandstorms." This line is incredibly profound. These two people, as suggested by the speaker, are not constant in their wisdom or their love, but are instead, ever-changing and energized.

"We have nipples. We have stars." It's as if the speaker deems these things to be enlightening and beautiful-how interesting. You compare the profane to sacred well here.

Keep up the good work. :)
6/20/2009 c1 36Kate Marshall
"while she lies on the wet grass, naming all the constellations in the summer sky."

I really liked all the alliteration you put into this. Like in the quotes above, "summer sky". It added a lot of poetic quality to the piece and made the poem overall seem like it had more rhythm.

Your mix of intelligence and sexuality and even stereotypes is interesting. The poem deals with a lot of different aspects. The theme was very complex; lots to think about in it.

I also liked "the ocean bites at my ankles". For some reason, it stuck out to me in the poem. Like how the ocean moves someone by the force of the wave, and then the word choice for "bites" made it seem like the speaker resented the ocean? Of course you mentioned she's allergic to salt, as well. But it went with the idea of hating being made to do something; having to be a certain way.

-Peach. from the Review Marathon (link's in the profile!)
6/19/2009 c1 5ElodieJ
I really like the, well, 'pop' a lot of the lines; the opening's perfect as an attention grabber, though I lost focus a few times in the rest.

(we’re nothing but sandstorms. / and pretty rain. / and remembering childhood) I loved the lines, but I think it might sound better without the period-pause at the end of the lines. It's a bit jerky going into the next lines with them. The line break should be enough to separate the thoughts, I think. (Though I'm on the fence about the period after 'rain.' It could go either way...)

Though the entire poem's uncapitalized, one line has a capital 'I'. (the ocean bites my ankles and forgets / that I am allergic to his salt; shriek,)

Lastly, the transition in (i am not that terrified. / she slinks under the sprinkler / like a cat, sleek, and her bathing) is really rather shocking, compared to the easy flow of the rest of the poem. Maybe find a closer connection? I had the same feeling about (i’m not a smoker. / just in it for the women. dancing) though it's not as distracting.

Anyways, lovely work aside from the aforementioned points. Your imagrey is astounding. ;D
6/19/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
This has such a strong essence of summer within this; I can feel the heat, and the dreamy young love vibe.

Your verses were perfect, as usual. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

6/19/2009 c1 80Jazzball
Hey, I love the first line... brass bones snapped back into,

BOOM... colloquial reminders! haha Sorry, that was just so amazingly done, similar to sitting at the summit of a roller coaster looking down then it all just free falls into some frantic writing that makes me read faster and faster then its over and those metal bars that hold me to the seats fold up and I say "Whow."

Take er easy
6/19/2009 c1 145young and the reckless
as usual, your imagery is superb.

i love the simplicity (yet it seems so very complex)

of "we're nothing but sandstorms"

it's so vague, yet so informative,

and for some strange reason, it gives me hope.

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