4/13/2013 c1 TwistingSerpent
Great introduction to the story! Ryan's character is well-defined and the style of writing you use is easy to read, but not boring. I hate it when I try to read something and get too bored or confused to understand it.

1/26/2012 c35 12Cwiseman123
As i have notice through reading this you do the say thing i do, you put some sort of variation of 'He said' after each line of dialog. But what i have been doing lately is instead of that i do it every other ine just to keep the reader on track of who is talking but i plan to casually work on making it clear with out using "he said or she said" or some variation of that. But i really like the story and can not wait to start reading part II. And if you could read, critique, and recommend some of my stories that would be great.Keep writing!

~Cwiseman123

8/21/2011 c1 6Devil's Playground
At first I assumed this was set on Earth, but the names of the countries and such suggest otherwise. That makes things interesting, giving you a lot of freedom. Can't wait to see where you go with the world you've constructed. :D

The information about the war, his father, etc. is kind of like a big infodump. I think you could include this information in a much more subtle way, without just throwing it all out there. For example, your narrator could be listening in on a conversation about the war, or he could be having a conversation with his family about politics, which would reveal where they all stand on the issue.

Also, throwing in information like "Jack – my year older brother" seems unnecessary at this point. You could easily mention the fact that he's a year older when you introduce him. Until then, it's not really relevant to the story. Same with "light golden brown hair that hangs over my hazel eyes" - I feel like that description throws off the flow of the narration and is a bit too much. Saying "golden brown hair" would be fine, but packing ALL of that together kind of disrupts my reading.

You do a really, really good job of characterizing Ryan. He has a very strong voice, and it stays consistent throughout the whole chapter. I really like him as a character already, and his sarcasm makes it very entertaining to read. He does come off Gary Stu-ish, though. He just seems... good at everything. He's smart, he's athletic, he's mature, he's rich, he always stands up for what's right, the bullies are scared of him, he acts mostly kind and polite despite his contempt for most people, he's a leader, he's attractive, he's a badass, teachers still like him... etc, etc. And honestly, with what you've shown here, it doesn't seem to make sense that his peers dislike him so much. Yes he's anti-social, but he honestly seems to come off as a cool-but-aloof loner, not the kind of weird kid who would be disliked and picked on.

And, actually, that seems to contradict itself a bit throughout the chapter. People call him a "freak" and such, yet it's also said that his peers "see him as a badass loner."

I really enjoyed the interaction between Ryan and Wade, it was believable and interesting and helped show a lot about both characters in a subtle way. And the way they interact is so cute! :)

These lines (and most of the paragraph they're in) seem unnecessary: "When I get through with dealing with a place, I get sarcastic. Also when someone accuses me of something I'm not, I stand up for the truth." You've already clearly showed that through his interaction with the teacher, you don't really need to tell us. In fact, I feel like a lot of the narration of Ryan's thoughts doesn't need to be included. You could stick more with the dialogue and action and still get your point across just as well.

"But I was more intelligent, mature, deep, and curious than my peers." - Well, he certainly seems full of himself. XD

The ending scene is very well done. I really like the pacing, it makes it very suspenseful and exciting to read! :) I enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to reading more. I'm excited to see where the story goes!

Spelling/grammar edits:

"her friends where all Asian" - where should be were

"Some of them being more tolerant, since I defend outcasts like myself." - this is a fragment, not a full sentence

6/1/2011 c12 Kobra Kid
Wow, you really like torturing Caine, do you? Seriously, this whole chapter was centered on Ajim beating him up non-stop, and how no one else could help him. Ajim is a big, douche-bag. Seriously, how the hell does someone become that twisted, cruel - EVIL?

Oh, and THREE CHEERS FOR MAKING OUR MAIN CHARACTERS SUFFER! Hahaha, Keira gets tortured a lot as you read on in my story...

But, anywho, this chapter was really hard to read. Not because it was bad! Only because Caine wasn't shown any mercy as he was being hit, kicked, slapped, smacked, thrown, punched, hurled, and slammed into the dirt by Ajim. That poor kid.

It was a good chapter, nonetheless! :) I hope Caine gets through this, though...

-Kobra Kid, RH

5/31/2011 c6 3toukenjen
Your consistent characters are really good! I really enjoyed the count down scene. I thought it worked really well in visualizing the struggle.

3/12/2011 c1 thefaultinourpatronus
Hey there! So far I think you've got a really interesting plot! I like your main character. He's the awesome outcast slash mis-fit type! Awesome! I love it when losers make heroes XD I also liked the cliffhanger in the end, sudden but it worked well :) Overall, I'd love to read more of this in the future! Great start!

x mandy

1/27/2011 c10 Dreamers-Requiem
Sorry if this sounds repeptitive but, yeah, the main thing I'd point out here is the use of 'I' - again, just try varying it a bit? I like the action here, and I do like how he's progressing with his training but there is something that is bugging me - he seems to change how he feels in regards to what he's doing quite quickly, but that might be because we don't actually get a sense of what he's thinking/feeling, so maybe just try to expand on the emotions a bit?