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4/14/2013 c5 5TwistingSerpent
I'm really enjoying what I've read so far! I can't wait to learn why Caine is being trained.
4/13/2013 c1 TwistingSerpent
Great introduction to the story! Ryan's character is well-defined and the style of writing you use is easy to read, but not boring. I hate it when I try to read something and get too bored or confused to understand it.
9/16/2012 c35 4Krenaya
You did an amazing job with this. I haven't read something like it for a while.

(it is like a little gem on this website)
1/26/2012 c35 12Cwiseman123
As i have notice through reading this you do the say thing i do, you put some sort of variation of 'He said' after each line of dialog. But what i have been doing lately is instead of that i do it every other ine just to keep the reader on track of who is talking but i plan to casually work on making it clear with out using "he said or she said" or some variation of that. But i really like the story and can not wait to start reading part II. And if you could read, critique, and recommend some of my stories that would be great.Keep writing!

11/7/2011 c1 Cwiseman123
This is really good and i liked it, of you are into sci-fi stories you could read some of my stories. I have been interested in writing a 1st person narative but I didnt really know how to approach it, but this story sure helped. Again its good and i really enjoyed it, keep up hte good work!
8/21/2011 c1 6Devil's Playground
At first I assumed this was set on Earth, but the names of the countries and such suggest otherwise. That makes things interesting, giving you a lot of freedom. Can't wait to see where you go with the world you've constructed. :D

The information about the war, his father, etc. is kind of like a big infodump. I think you could include this information in a much more subtle way, without just throwing it all out there. For example, your narrator could be listening in on a conversation about the war, or he could be having a conversation with his family about politics, which would reveal where they all stand on the issue.

Also, throwing in information like "Jack – my year older brother" seems unnecessary at this point. You could easily mention the fact that he's a year older when you introduce him. Until then, it's not really relevant to the story. Same with "light golden brown hair that hangs over my hazel eyes" - I feel like that description throws off the flow of the narration and is a bit too much. Saying "golden brown hair" would be fine, but packing ALL of that together kind of disrupts my reading.

You do a really, really good job of characterizing Ryan. He has a very strong voice, and it stays consistent throughout the whole chapter. I really like him as a character already, and his sarcasm makes it very entertaining to read. He does come off Gary Stu-ish, though. He just seems... good at everything. He's smart, he's athletic, he's mature, he's rich, he always stands up for what's right, the bullies are scared of him, he acts mostly kind and polite despite his contempt for most people, he's a leader, he's attractive, he's a badass, teachers still like him... etc, etc. And honestly, with what you've shown here, it doesn't seem to make sense that his peers dislike him so much. Yes he's anti-social, but he honestly seems to come off as a cool-but-aloof loner, not the kind of weird kid who would be disliked and picked on.

And, actually, that seems to contradict itself a bit throughout the chapter. People call him a "freak" and such, yet it's also said that his peers "see him as a badass loner."

I really enjoyed the interaction between Ryan and Wade, it was believable and interesting and helped show a lot about both characters in a subtle way. And the way they interact is so cute! :)

These lines (and most of the paragraph they're in) seem unnecessary: "When I get through with dealing with a place, I get sarcastic. Also when someone accuses me of something I'm not, I stand up for the truth." You've already clearly showed that through his interaction with the teacher, you don't really need to tell us. In fact, I feel like a lot of the narration of Ryan's thoughts doesn't need to be included. You could stick more with the dialogue and action and still get your point across just as well.

"But I was more intelligent, mature, deep, and curious than my peers." - Well, he certainly seems full of himself. XD

The ending scene is very well done. I really like the pacing, it makes it very suspenseful and exciting to read! :) I enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to reading more. I'm excited to see where the story goes!

Spelling/grammar edits:

"her friends where all Asian" - where should be were

"Some of them being more tolerant, since I defend outcasts like myself." - this is a fragment, not a full sentence
6/1/2011 c13 8Kobra Kid
Woah, there was a lot of screaming in this chapter. I felt bad for Caine. He was just this innocent, average teenage kid who was dragged off the streets and forced to become something he didn't want to be, an assassin.

But I'm glad that he has people like Andre & Audrey to help him through this. I especially like Audrey because she helped Caine get through the night, and stood by his side almost the whole, entire time. Am I sensing a blossoming romance between them in the future? ;)

I hope that you can develop her and Andre a lot more in the future. It would be interesting for me, and the rest of the readers, to know the other "assassin" kids past and how they were taken by Ajim as well.

Great job with describing Caine's torment, pain and anguish! The poor kid can't even walk straight. Oh, I also enjoyed the dream sequence! Keep on writing! :)

-Kobra Kid, RH

P.S. Can you repay all three reviews on my story, Rise From The Ashes? Thanks so much!
6/1/2011 c12 Kobra Kid
Wow, you really like torturing Caine, do you? Seriously, this whole chapter was centered on Ajim beating him up non-stop, and how no one else could help him. Ajim is a big, douche-bag. Seriously, how the hell does someone become that twisted, cruel - EVIL?

Oh, and THREE CHEERS FOR MAKING OUR MAIN CHARACTERS SUFFER! Hahaha, Keira gets tortured a lot as you read on in my story...

But, anywho, this chapter was really hard to read. Not because it was bad! Only because Caine wasn't shown any mercy as he was being hit, kicked, slapped, smacked, thrown, punched, hurled, and slammed into the dirt by Ajim. That poor kid.

It was a good chapter, nonetheless! :) I hope Caine gets through this, though...

-Kobra Kid, RH
6/1/2011 c11 Kobra Kid
Ajim is one, scary BAMF. I would NOT want to meet that guy in a dark alleyway by myself. I wonder how he got so good at being an assassin, though. Did he go through the same process that Caine and the others are going through? Or maybe his father is a leader of an assassin organization or something? I hope you tell us about Ajim's past sometime :)

I really enjoyed this chapter! The game was creative, and tense at the same time! I wonder if anyone EVER didn't get caught in that game though. Guess I'll have to read on to find out :)

Oh yeah, and whenever I see the name 'Ajim' in your story, I think of 'Amir' from the collegehumor show, Jake & Amir. And then I laugh at the idea of Amir being a boss assassin, haha.

Anywho, wonderful work!

-Kobra Kid, RH
5/31/2011 c6 3toukenjen
Your consistent characters are really good! I really enjoyed the count down scene. I thought it worked really well in visualizing the struggle.
3/12/2011 c2 5thefaultinourpatronus
Woahh. Intense chapter, but I don't think i could properly sympathize with his situation, because it happened much too fast for the second chapter. Maybe lengthen it out a bit - add his personal life into his, a normal day for him at school, stuff like that! Then delve into the action. Otherwise, fantastic plot. Your descriptions are really good and easily pictures!

x mandy

3/12/2011 c1 thefaultinourpatronus
Hey there! So far I think you've got a really interesting plot! I like your main character. He's the awesome outcast slash mis-fit type! Awesome! I love it when losers make heroes XD I also liked the cliffhanger in the end, sudden but it worked well :) Overall, I'd love to read more of this in the future! Great start!

x mandy
2/24/2011 c12 99Dreamers-Requiem
OK, so again, the use of 'I' was a bit overdone here; "I did this, then I did that" sort of thing. The other thing I noticed was that you have a lot of repepition here; it just feels like Caine repeats and re-states, again and again, what's happened or just happened - for example, in the second half, "I fell...I fell...I fell..." You also repeat the 'dead' idea a bit too much, I feel. Parts don't make much sense; I know what you mean by [I was completely dead on the outside and inside] but you might want to change it; after all, he isn't actually dead? Just a few suggestions, but as always it's an interesting plot idea - I would say maybe put a few chapters together? They still seem quite short and it might help the pace to group two or three chapters into one?
1/27/2011 c10 Dreamers-Requiem
Sorry if this sounds repeptitive but, yeah, the main thing I'd point out here is the use of 'I' - again, just try varying it a bit? I like the action here, and I do like how he's progressing with his training but there is something that is bugging me - he seems to change how he feels in regards to what he's doing quite quickly, but that might be because we don't actually get a sense of what he's thinking/feeling, so maybe just try to expand on the emotions a bit?
1/26/2011 c10 8Kobra Kid
Wow, the training really is paying off. Caine is getting very good, and at a great rate! I loved how he would slip all of his squad members that lost a little food. It really shows who he truly is, and what he values the most. You described the fights fairly well, I would have liked more descriptions than thoughts, but that's just me, haha. Anyways, great chapter as always! Keep on writing1

Kobra Kid

P.S. Just updated Rise From The Ashes! Please review?
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