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for Captain Caine

1/17/2011 c8 99Dreamers-Requiem
You brought up some interesting questions here to keep the reader hooked, so good job with that. There are, however, just a few things bothering me; I know Ajim is meant to be brutal and evil, but part of me thinks it's just too much. They're meant to be training these kids to be assassains (why these kids?) yet he seems too keen to dish out punishment and demand the impossible from them. If they're important enough to kidnap and train, then surely they would want to keep them in some state to do the job they've kidnapped them to do? Also, yeah, Caine seems able to do the impossible; it kind of jerks you out of the story when he does something that, with a shot hand, you shouldn't be able to do.

And, I have to question his intelligence - surely he must have realisied there is something different about him when he was shooting the targets? I'm surprised he doesn't question that more.

You repeat things quite a bit; maybe try to vary the sentences and cut down on the repepition? Just a few suggestions. Like I said before, I am enjoying this but some of it is just a bit...unbelievable, I suppose :P
1/15/2011 c35 16a-random-writer
Interesting story. You have me hooked and waiting for part 2.

I'm curious to find out what Skeller and Ajim are. Caine is a pretty realistic character, even though he's annoying sometimes. The only thing I have a problem with is in the thirty-five chapters you have, there's not a lot of character building for the rest of your important characters. I'm able to grasp Caine/Ryan, but Shawn, Andre, Aubrey, and heck even Pasha just seem like mindless followers.

I was glad to see Caine and Aubrey get into a little argument about how he should treat his hand, it showed a little personality on Aubrey's part. But other than that, you haven't given the reader a chance to 'get' your characters.

Others have pointed out the grammatical erros/typos so I won't. Plus, I'm too lazy to go through and point them out.

Hope you keep writing and I can't wait for part 2!

-arandomwriter, the roadhouse(:
1/14/2011 c9 8Kobra Kid
I really loved the dream sequence in the beginning. Your descriptions of his pain were gut-wrenching and very well-written! As for Ajim, I'm surprised he didn't kill him for passing out or whatever. I guess he realized how skilled Caine is at guns, and decided to keep him as his little shooter. Creep. Anyways, I really like what Caine said about the men in black suits. It added another dimension to his character. Anyways, keep it up!

Kobra Kid

If you don't mind, can you payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks!
1/9/2011 c6 99Dreamers-Requiem
At the risk of repeating myself, I still think you need to vary your sentence structures a bit. Something like

[I forced my body to move and stood facing Ajim. He punched me solidly in my left cheek and I flew, as if I didn't weigh anything. I landed somewhere in the grass that surrounded the field maybe twenty-five feet or more away.

I tumbled after I landed. Besides the grass, there were also plants with thorns. So not only did I become bruised throughout my entire body, I was covered in thorns. When I finally had stopped tumbling and was lying on my back, trying to breathe, I looked up at the sunny sky.]

could be changed to; "Forcing my body to move, I stood facing Ajim. He punched me solidly in my left cheek, causing me to fly as I weight nothing. I landed somewhere in the grass that surrounded the field, maybe twenty-five feet or more away.

Tumbling after I landed, I noticted beside the grass there were also plants with thorns. Not only was I now bruised throghout my entire body, I was covered in throrns. Lying on my back, trying to breathe, I looked up at the sunny sky."

I liked seeing more interaction between Caine and the other memebers of the squad, however I'm confused about how he knows Andre's name. I thought it was a bit unrealistic, too, how he completed the sit ups quickly when he's clearly suffering quite a lot.

The other suggestion I'd make is maybe changing something like [Andre didn't say anything more to me, so I figured out that my mouth tasted of blood mixed with dirt.] to "Andre didn't say anything more to me, and I figured out that the taste in my mouth was of blood and dirt."

Just some suggestions.

I do like the way the plot is moving forward, and it's got a strong hook to it. Great job with that.
1/3/2011 c17 2Betty-wa16
I am currently on chapter nineteen. I really don't like anything that isn't a Twilight FanFic but this story is just too good to give up on. I really enjoy it, I should be sleeping and preparing for my dreadful day tomorrow but I just can't stop reading! Amazing story I think I might be in love with Ryan.
1/3/2011 c1 1Jess Megan
I think that you went into a lot of detail about Ryan and his character seems realistic and for the most part, consistent. I think that maybe you could condense it, but I also know you’ve gone through several revisions. I am going to point out a few mistakes, I’m sorry if I come across as mean or if I’m too critical, but I hope this helps.

“It was chilly, breezy October day when it all started.” – should be “it was a chilly.” It might also be better to say “it was a cold breezy October day when it all started.”

“That morning I was sitting in isolation in what had become "my" hallway.” – It might be better to italicize “my.” – “ On the end of the hallway on my right, stood a group of girls who were giggling and talking with each other. At the other end, a bunch of "popular" jerks were glancing at me and probably talking crap. But I had my iPod blasting out those various conversations in this building that I'm through dealing with. I'm so glad I'm a senior. “

First, a group of girls would be standing AT the end of the hallway, not on. It might be better trying to rephrase these sentences to say something like; “A group of girls who were giggling and talk with each other stood at the right end of the hallway while on the left a bunch of popular jerks were glancing my way, probably talking crap. But I had my iPod blasting out their conversations-“ and the second part of the iPod sentence doesn’t make sense with the first…I would figure out a way to rephrase this.

“High school: I hate it. It's full of immaturity, disrespect, and clingy, ignorant jerks who don't ever seem to grow up… When in the "real world" most of those luxuries have a chance of disappearing or fading in value.”- you’re really repetitive in this paragraph. Also watch out for your narrator being too negative in the beginning like this.

I think that this chapter could have been more powerful if you just reorganized it. You could start by talking about how the government has changed and then introduce that your narrator is a high school student.

Watch out for your over use of commas. Sometimes you use them in the wrong place (example:” Epirstet has already surrendered, and Nirsceva is thinking of doing the same thing, even though they haven't been formerly threatened yet.” There is no need for a comma before “and” ) or you don’t use them where they are necessary (example: “My father who is the senate majority leader – Russell Walker – felt the same way as our neighbors when he's been questioned what Cambria will do when the time comes” which instead should say something like, “My father, Russell Walker (the senate majority leader), felt…).

“If they took over, he'd be out of a job: for one. Two: he's willing to sacrifice this country's history and beliefs by acting like a coward?” Should be as something like, “For one, if they took over he’d be out of a job. And two: he’s willing to sacrifice this country’s history and beliefs by acting like a coward.”

“For today it's the only morning class were”- were should be “where.”

Watch out for your tenses, you tend to switch between past and present. Example: “I came into the empty room, notebook in hand, pen, iPod, and hand in the pocket of my sweatshirt. I go to my seat;” Either it should be “come/go” or “came/went.” You switch tenses a lot, so I would just read over this and revise.

Also, Ryan “chuckles” a lot; he doesn’t really seem the laughing type. So watch out for saying that too much. It shouldn’t be noticeable.

There were a few other typos too.
1/2/2011 c1 2Betty-wa16
I actually like this story. I like the character you've built and the rest of the 'zombies' are predictable but in a good way. I like the words you use and I like the flow as well. :)

I will be continuing this story and it's rare that I like anything that isn't a Twilight FanFic. Gay, I know.
1/2/2011 c1 7Liya Smith
Hi! I'm sorry for the very late review, but here I am. Okay so what I noticed was that you do use italics A LOT and sometimes it gets to be too much. A couple italics here and there is good, but if your italicizing a lot of words it kind of ruins the flow. I also saw that you overuse the verb "chuckle." I think you used it twenty times in this chapter. Try replacing it with "laugh" "snort" "snicker" "chortle" or other synonyms.

"The girls followed me online" - online should be on line.

But don't get me wrong - I really liked this. In fact, Ryan seems really interesting and I'm wondering what direction his relationship with Mallory will go. Sorry for being so critical, it's a habit from The Review Game. Anyway, good job!
1/2/2011 c3 1esthaelum
I remember reviewing this some time back!

Aah, that girl doesn't seem so bad. She's rather friendly! I hope her and Caine and her end up being close friends or whatever... They have a potential to be nice friends... Then again, it's too early to assume anything, lol. Anyway, a pretty short chapter, but it was nice to see some conversation between Caine and Rhonda/Audrey.

1/2/2011 c8 8Kobra Kid
This was a good chapter! I'm glad Caine is finally getting on Ajim's good side. Well, a little. He amazed him and the others with his precise shooting abilities. My only criticism is that you start a lot of sentences with "I". Try to mix it up a little. I know its difficult with a first person narrative, but you are definitely capable. :D. Great job, nonetheless!

-Kobra Kid

If you don't mind, can you payback via RFTA? Thank you!
12/26/2010 c7 Kobra Kid
This was a good chapter. Caine stayed in character, as did Ajim. Also, you described things relatively well. I would take a quick look over the opening paragraph, however. It seemed sort of awkward. My only criticism in this chapter is well, when will the story start up? All the past chapters have been about training, and it's the same thing over and over again. What happened to Rhonda, also? She just like, disappeared. Besides that, though, everything was fine. Good job!

-Kobra Kid, Roadhouse

If you don't mind, may you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you!
12/22/2010 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
I like how the plot is advancing, it's moving on at a steady pace and I like how the pressure is now put fully on Caine. However, I think you repeat a lot here - you might want to try varying the way you word the sentences as well as how you say certain things. I think a lot of it feels like "I did this, I did that" etc and we don't really get a feel of the emotions involved; maybe expand on how Caine feels before the running? Spend a paragraph describing his feelings on being put in the posistion of Captain?
12/21/2010 c35 7KuroKage1717
Nice ending! Although, I'm still wondering just who and what those guys in black are, and what they really want. :) Hopefully, that will be explained in upcoming chapters. Also, I thought Caine's hand was just badly injured - he didn't really lose it, did he?
12/21/2010 c1 G.M.Smith
very nice so far, the end of the chapter keeps you wondering, I wonder who this guy is that grabbed her in the alley and where did he take her? guess i'll have to find out. The only thing i don't like that kinda catches me off is the way you used the first person, i love first person, but when its 'i did this, i did this, i did this, and i did this' it gets kinda monotonous, add a little more color to it and it will be great :)
12/21/2010 c2 1esthaelum
Woah. He sure passes out a lot...

This is progressing a bit fast for me. Because we hardly know much about Ryan (or Caine), it's a bit hard to sympathize with him. I get that his situation is unfortunate at the moment, but I dont really feel sorry for him because I havent had the oppurtunity to grasp at his personality yet. Aside from all that, Im intruiged as to what would happen next and how he would cope with all this!

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