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for Captain Caine

12/16/2010 c6 8Kobra Kid
I like at the end the squad finally starts talking to one another. I was going to say when the other members are going to get involved, and hopefully that'll be next chapter even more so? Anyways, the only problem I had was the sentences. A lot of them are long and chunky, try to break them up a bit. Not all of them, but a few. A quick read through will help. I'll give an example...

[Once my stomach was numb from the pain and torture, I let myself lay there even though it was the worst decision I could make.]

you could turn that into something like...

[I couldn't bare the pain blazing in my stomach any longer. I let my brittle body fall on the ground, exhaustion taking over. It was the worst decision I could have ever made. Laying down sent more waves of pain through my body...]

Maybe something like that? It all depends on you, however.

Anyways, besides that, it was excellent! Caine is a great main character, and I really enjoy reading about his struggles. Hopefully, one day, he won't have anymore struggles. You describe intense pain very well, and I hope to have more time to read soon!

-Kobra Kid

Can you payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you!
12/16/2010 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Personally, I really think you could merge chapters together or just make them longer - as it is, they're not really chapter length, it makes the story a bit too choppy. Anyway, I liked the introudction of Rhonda, certaintly adds another element to the story, and the plot is building up nicely. Like I said previously, you might want to try different sentence structures rather than "I did this, I did that, we did this..." etc. It's too repeptitive at the moment, maybe just have a look at the different ways you can say the same information?
12/12/2010 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting chapter. Although maybe you could have another chapter between this and the first, or even make this longer, and show us a bit more of his life, let us, as readers, get to know him a bit before he's thrown into this situation. I don't really understand why they would have chosen him - if it's something you're going to reveal later on, maybe have him question it himself? The other suggestion I'd make is try to use 'I' a bit less - for example [I had a bleeding gash on my stomach that I didn't remember getting. I had a gigantic multicolored dot in my vision] could maybe be "There was a bleeding gash on my stomach that I didn't remember getting, and a gigantic multicoloured..." etc. Just suggestions. The plot draws you in, and it seems like a strong idea - I'm interested to see where it goes :)
12/11/2010 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
An interesting start, and I think the end of that chapter gives a great hook, a really good reason to keep reading. I would suggest however changing some of it - there seems to be a lot of telling going on here, and I feel like we're given a lot of information that way rather than being shown it. You seem to repeat the idea of him being a sort of loner, outcast figure - you could show that by having him at school, showing how he is treated there, or something? Something like [I don't really care what people think of me because of it] could be shown, and be more effective that way, than having the reader told it. It seemed to get a lot stronger towards the end - you just need a bit of a more punchy start, I think.

-from The Roadhouse
12/11/2010 c2 Stanleylouis
Huh, he sure gets knocked out a lot...

I'm never one for the straight action scenes, but this one seems good- comprehensible, sticking to the scene, etc. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like it's moving a little too quickly. However, that comment was a little stupid, since I don't know how to help you with that...

I'm also wondering about the setting, but in a good way. We got a short synopsis in the beginning, but maybe if you could weave in the conflicts to the actions some more... What I mean is, let the world's events at this time completely rule his life. Let his thoughts always revolve around what's happening. Maybe you're already doing this, but it might help to bring the conflict more into focus.

Again, interesting chapter! I'm sorry it's taking me so long to read DX

~Stanley Louis
12/5/2010 c5 8Kobra Kid
You keep on telling us things. Remember, show don't tell. At times, yes it is necessary for the author to tell the reader what is happening. But keeps things on edge. Make the readers hate you, as I put it, haha. Keep things a secret until later revealed.

Your writing is great, but if you don't tell things so often it would be fantastic!

Besides that, great job! The dialogue is very realistic and flows nicely, which I am envious of. Also, the characters are awesome. Keep it up! Love it!

-Kobra Kid

If you don't mind, may you please payback these two reviews via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you :)
12/5/2010 c4 Kobra Kid
This was a good chapter! You showed the intensity and suffering these new assassins are forced to endure, and how Caine is reacting to all of this. My own problem is that most of the sentences are very long, and they go on for a while. Short sentences are great for impact, and just getting the point across. Don't be afraid of them. They add even more intensity. Also, I think that when the leader of the assassins (guy in the black coat) pointed the gun in the face of that one kid, it was a little too much. I think a slap was more in order, haha. Just right across the face.

Besides those things, great job! Really love Caine, and hope he doesn't get killed :(

-Kobra Kid
12/4/2010 c1 flight06

You have a good grasp of the language. The character is more or less easy to relate to, although there isn't really all that much to go off from, considering a lot of people have varying similarities to him.

To improve upon:

You have almost 90% of the writing here as "telling". You need to fix that if you're going to get anywhere. You can get somewhere with it, like here, but as soon as you want to put your stuff out to the world, there is a very high chance that you'll get turned down. Sad, but true. You have given us a lot of information about the character and his life. How about letting us decide those things for ourselves? Great works of art never force information into your head, but let you come to it on your own. Let the story tell itself.

Good luck!
11/7/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
The plot is interesting and has potential. I liked the attitude of the main character - he is direct and does not candy coat facts.

The only problem, though is the style. The world has been represented in pure facts as they come - there are facts about the family which 'tell' but don't 'show'. It would've been commonplace if you had not added instances that support his statement.

Overall, it seems pretty good, and I'm interested to know what happens in the story.

Happy Diwali!

-via the roadhouse
11/3/2010 c1 Stanleylouis

Well, this story looks pretty nice so far! Maybe some things to look out for-

Make sure that the sentances aren't run on. I know, I know, this isn't english class. XD but it's amazing how much splitting up a sentance

(such as [My mother doesn't mind wasting money in the recession (due to the oncoming war) to taxi her youngest son, who is capable of walking home alone, especially having experience in self-defense, compared to my brothers.])

can really help he story flow. :)

The story throws a lot out at you in the first chapter, doesn't it? Everything looks interesting, though... Can't wait to see how it ties in. :)

Be sure to keep it in the same tense, though! :D

~Stanley- from RH (although, your chapters are so short! Don't think you have to repay me back for each chapter or anything XD)
11/3/2010 c3 8Kobra Kid
I really love the addition of Rhonda/Audrey. She seems like she's going to be a very promising character, and I hope that her and Ryan/Caine escape before they get tangled up in this assassin thing.

My only suggestion for this chapter is to expand it via descriptions of the girl, setting, and Caine's thoughts. We have no idea whatsoever of where they are, what it looks like, and the vibe of the place they are located. Sometimes, places can give people either the chills or happiness - show it. Same thing with the character descriptions - inconspiciously add in descriptions of Ryan/Caine, don't just bluntly state 'I have black hair. It is thick. I have green eyes.' That won't work.

Besides that, great job! I really hope what this whole assassination organization is about, and why they recruited Rhonda and Ryan. They must have evaluated them (stalk? o.o) and decided that they were capable of whatever they have in store for them. Keep up the great work!


Can you please payback these two reviews via Ace Of Spades? Thanks!
11/3/2010 c2 Kobra Kid
Okay, you got an excellent plot here, but I think you rushed it a little. We barely know the kid, and already he's thrown into this dire situation. I did the same exact thing with Rise From The Ashes, or the old draft of it. Build up to this moment, let us get to know the character, his personality, his interests, his friends, his life, etc.

Besides that, you have a fantastic plot-line in your hands. It's a really cool idea, and I really love the name, Caine. :)

11/1/2010 c1 Kobra Kid
Oh wow. Intense chapter! I really like this kid, your main character. He's an outcast, a loster, a misfit - the unlikely hero, which I simply adore. So, great job with that! :D!

Another element I loved was his mentality, thoughts and emotions. I HATE clingy boyfriends, like the one you were describing about how he hates them as well. So, I can relate to that - which is a great thing.

So far, from the introduction, this seems like a very intriguing story. Once I have the time, I shall continue reading! Until next time, however, keep up the fabulous work!

~Shayyde from the RH

- When you have the time, can you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Take your time, I'm not THAT bent over reviews. :) Thanks!
11/1/2010 c1 1esthaelum
Nice! I found no problems here and your writing is actually very good! Usually, I dont like first person stories because they dont tend to go into enough detail, but you did a good job with the narrating and telling us about the character's life and story. This is a good start so far! I like the cliffhanger in the end. Very sudden, but effective!

10/30/2010 c34 7KuroKage1717
Great to see an update from you! Still enjoying this story, and now I really want to know what Caine's up to. I think you could have been more detailed with the meeting, as I was curious to as what the leaders were talking about more specifically. Still, things are moving along nicely - looking forward to the next chapter!
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