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7/8/2009 c4 11dreamercrys
Hehehe... I love it! I wish I could see Lucian's face when Afton asked him that...buit alas I can't...*sigh* Can't wait to see his reaction though...
7/8/2009 c4 ricemidget
I hope Tony doesn't die... 8O

Loving the story more and more!
7/8/2009 c4 Gwengwel
Ho, it's was not a long run. Sad, but the *moon* was funny loll.

I really want to know Romano answer about Afton question. Well, I can understand the why but Afton don't know Romano motive and to have the mafia want you... it's can be frightening.
7/8/2009 c4 2That Day Is Mine
Hullo again! I come with a new name this time, but I'm the same person, yeah. xD

Hmm, the chapter was okay. I suppose you have to build up the story a bit for the reader to sink their teeth into it. I'm still very excited to see where you take this but I won't lie, the bit where Tony and Afton attempt to run away from Lucian was rather lacking in action. There should have been a bit more of a spark in the getaway. Actually the whole getting away could have done with more action, or a little more, I guess spontaneousness? I hope you don't think I'm being rude or anything. I just found the chapter a little boring and you're not a bad writer. I love the idea you've got going and Lucian's speech mannerisms improved. You really cleaned up his dialogue, and I was very happy with that.

Otherwise, Nick kinda bothered me. I dunno why, really but he did. I guess I just found him a little annoying but that's okay. All the characters don't have to be lovable. xD

You did have one error: forgot the space between 'this' and 'strange' at the end of the second scene. I'm not really a grammar person, so sorry I can't be of any help technically.

I look forward to the next chapter!

T.D. Is Mine

P.S. I reviewed last time as An Eccentric Caffeine Addict.
7/8/2009 c4 Sekre
Poor conti, caught on the first night.
7/8/2009 c4 pinkeclipse
hope tony does enjoy NY for his sister.
7/6/2009 c3 rgrimes89
Arrg! Don't you hate it when you write a review and your signal cuts out as you press send?

So yes. Freakin' awesome story. One of the best stories on FP. I love it. Your two main characters and the dynamic between them is fantastic. I love the mafia theme meets slash story - already this has a plot to die for. All the other characters and the writing in general are pretty damn flawless.

If you don't update this I will go mafia on you and chase you till you do update! :P

But seriously. I'm dying to find out what happens. The whole notion of the impending chase is crazy exciting. Pulleese update!
7/4/2009 c3 greengarbage
I was going to wait to review but then you updated so fast. Love your characters, and I love that Afton isn't a victim. Where'd THAT name come from btw? Makes him sound like a snack cake; "let's go into the dining room for dinner and Afters!"

Oh well. Seems like there were some minor mechanics problems in ch1 & 2 but nothing major. Just distracting. Ch3 I think the line "either has my parents." should have been "neither have my parents." Made my eye tick a little and I kept going back to it. Out of curiousity, any chacne this story will be condenced when you finish, or when you get farther along? It gets so annoying to click through chapters when I decide to reread (and I have no doubt I will this one). Or there are websites that do it for you like WWOMB. I'm being annoying now so I'll be quiet, but I'm looking forward to your next chapter.
7/3/2009 c3 lakuniko
wow~ this story really awesome. The plot and writing totally great.

Thanks a lot for write this^^
7/3/2009 c1 Susan
Please update :)
7/1/2009 c3 Sekre
Love this story!
6/30/2009 c3 Spinning Jenny
O. Let the chase begin.

Update soon!
6/30/2009 c3 the cow on the box
This story is really great ! I'm so happy to have found it !

And I can't wait for the next chapter ^^
6/30/2009 c3 9An Eccentric Caffeine Addict
If you knew me, you'd know that I have a very extreme Mafia slash story fetish. It's kind of ridiculous but really, Mafia stories are hot.

Now for me to get to the actual reviewing. I loved the three chapters I've read so far and I really enjoy Afton's personality. I think the guy who the cool, sleek Mafia Boss's son picks has to be a "flame" and you did just that, so kudos. Also, I feel emphatic about his parent issues and the pressures he faces from them. I'm on the fence with Nick. You gave him a reprieve this chapter, what with him speaking up to his parents but I'm still stuck on the fact that he neglected Afton after he got his job. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see where you go with him, huh?

As for Lucien (nice name choice by the way xD), I like him as every teenage girl will because he's the mysterious Mafia Boss's son character. xD What I don't like is his dialogue. I can see that you're trying to make him sound a bit formal in his speech mannerisms but it just sounds awkward. I can't imagine anyone actually speaking like that. Not only is it awkward but it breaks the flow of the story and I have to re-read what he says to make sure I understood what he said. And occasionally Afton's inner narrative sounds a bit redundant. I think you've established he's neglected by his parents. Of course, mentioning it in the future is okay but try not to make him repeat it quite as much? I find myself skipping sentences and I'd rather not.

Otherwise, I quite like what you've started here. I look forward to the next chapter and I'll try to be a better critique next time. A bit more detailed, if you will.

Thanks for giving me something to look forward to,

An A.C. Addict
6/30/2009 c3 Gwengwel
I really like this chappy.

Can I give a smack to Afton parent? How can you don't remember you son birthday? Bad parent, bad!

I knew Lucian was not going to be happy loll Did he going to

appreciate the little chase Afton make him do? Hunting it's so much fun mouahaha! And the prize...a yummy Afton :) Ok maybe not yummy since he's pissed loll.

Now that he know...what he is going to do about the big-meanie-mafia?

Gwen

p.s. I just want to let you know...english's not my mother tongue, I hope that you can understand what I write :).
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