for Mafia Runner7/3/2009 c3 lakuniko
wow~ this story really awesome. The plot and writing totally great.
Thanks a lot for write this^^
wow~ this story really awesome. The plot and writing totally great.
Thanks a lot for write this^^
7/3/2009 c1 Susan
Please update :)
Please update :)
6/30/2009 c3 the cow on the box
This story is really great ! I'm so happy to have found it !
And I can't wait for the next chapter ^^
This story is really great ! I'm so happy to have found it !
And I can't wait for the next chapter ^^
6/30/2009 c3 
9An Eccentric Caffeine Addict
If you knew me, you'd know that I have a very extreme Mafia slash story fetish. It's kind of ridiculous but really, Mafia stories are hot.
Now for me to get to the actual reviewing. I loved the three chapters I've read so far and I really enjoy Afton's personality. I think the guy who the cool, sleek Mafia Boss's son picks has to be a "flame" and you did just that, so kudos. Also, I feel emphatic about his parent issues and the pressures he faces from them. I'm on the fence with Nick. You gave him a reprieve this chapter, what with him speaking up to his parents but I'm still stuck on the fact that he neglected Afton after he got his job. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see where you go with him, huh?
As for Lucien (nice name choice by the way xD), I like him as every teenage girl will because he's the mysterious Mafia Boss's son character. xD What I don't like is his dialogue. I can see that you're trying to make him sound a bit formal in his speech mannerisms but it just sounds awkward. I can't imagine anyone actually speaking like that. Not only is it awkward but it breaks the flow of the story and I have to re-read what he says to make sure I understood what he said. And occasionally Afton's inner narrative sounds a bit redundant. I think you've established he's neglected by his parents. Of course, mentioning it in the future is okay but try not to make him repeat it quite as much? I find myself skipping sentences and I'd rather not.
Otherwise, I quite like what you've started here. I look forward to the next chapter and I'll try to be a better critique next time. A bit more detailed, if you will.
Thanks for giving me something to look forward to,
An A.C. Addict
9An Eccentric Caffeine AddictIf you knew me, you'd know that I have a very extreme Mafia slash story fetish. It's kind of ridiculous but really, Mafia stories are hot.
Now for me to get to the actual reviewing. I loved the three chapters I've read so far and I really enjoy Afton's personality. I think the guy who the cool, sleek Mafia Boss's son picks has to be a "flame" and you did just that, so kudos. Also, I feel emphatic about his parent issues and the pressures he faces from them. I'm on the fence with Nick. You gave him a reprieve this chapter, what with him speaking up to his parents but I'm still stuck on the fact that he neglected Afton after he got his job. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see where you go with him, huh?
As for Lucien (nice name choice by the way xD), I like him as every teenage girl will because he's the mysterious Mafia Boss's son character. xD What I don't like is his dialogue. I can see that you're trying to make him sound a bit formal in his speech mannerisms but it just sounds awkward. I can't imagine anyone actually speaking like that. Not only is it awkward but it breaks the flow of the story and I have to re-read what he says to make sure I understood what he said. And occasionally Afton's inner narrative sounds a bit redundant. I think you've established he's neglected by his parents. Of course, mentioning it in the future is okay but try not to make him repeat it quite as much? I find myself skipping sentences and I'd rather not.
Otherwise, I quite like what you've started here. I look forward to the next chapter and I'll try to be a better critique next time. A bit more detailed, if you will.
Thanks for giving me something to look forward to,
An A.C. Addict
6/30/2009 c3 Gwengwel
I really like this chappy.
Can I give a smack to Afton parent? How can you don't remember you son birthday? Bad parent, bad!
I knew Lucian was not going to be happy loll Did he going to
appreciate the little chase Afton make him do? Hunting it's so much fun mouahaha! And the prize...a yummy Afton :) Ok maybe not yummy since he's pissed loll.
Now that he know...what he is going to do about the big-meanie-mafia?
Gwen
p.s. I just want to let you know...english's not my mother tongue, I hope that you can understand what I write :).
I really like this chappy.
Can I give a smack to Afton parent? How can you don't remember you son birthday? Bad parent, bad!
I knew Lucian was not going to be happy loll Did he going to
appreciate the little chase Afton make him do? Hunting it's so much fun mouahaha! And the prize...a yummy Afton :) Ok maybe not yummy since he's pissed loll.
Now that he know...what he is going to do about the big-meanie-mafia?
Gwen
p.s. I just want to let you know...english's not my mother tongue, I hope that you can understand what I write :).
6/30/2009 c3 susan
The scene with the phone was priceless. It gave luian a very dark and dangerouse kind of look.
Just hope they can get to NY.
Please update soon.
The scene with the phone was priceless. It gave luian a very dark and dangerouse kind of look.
Just hope they can get to NY.
Please update soon.
6/29/2009 c3 ShootMeStaRs
YAY a mafia romance story!Always wanted to read one like this.
Hope Lucian wont be too rough with Afton? I hope there will be more updates to come^^
YAY a mafia romance story!Always wanted to read one like this.
Hope Lucian wont be too rough with Afton? I hope there will be more updates to come^^
6/29/2009 c3 Chasing.Hanako
This story is seriously cute! The main is portrayed very believable and very sympa and Lucian is the kind of wicked, wicked boy, that's always enjoyable!
This story is seriously cute! The main is portrayed very believable and very sympa and Lucian is the kind of wicked, wicked boy, that's always enjoyable!
6/29/2009 c3 Guest
O.o Afton that sounded very dark and sexy!XD i can't wait for you to update and see how Lucian hunts them down. I wonder what the boys gonna do?...
O.o Afton that sounded very dark and sexy!XD i can't wait for you to update and see how Lucian hunts them down. I wonder what the boys gonna do?...